More To Find

 Just when I thought it was done.  I honestly thought I had found all the shitty moments from Thrax, the things burrowed into my brain like land mines.  The ones that no matter how much he tries to tell himself that he did nothing wrong, did lasting damage to my brain.  I thought I'd found so many that I'd found them all.

But apparently that wasn't the case.  Underneath all the other things that had been done, was at least one more, undiscovered and covered in dust.

Until my last visit with Kitty.

And it was small, but when he did it accidentally, and then made more comments not knowing what he'd done, it hit like a truck.  Burst from the dust, and I couldn't do much but lay there and cry for a few minutes.  And while trying to navigate what was happening, also trying to tell myself that I was with Kitty, someone I trusted.  Just like every time it's happened with Lux, that didn't matter, and I just tried to navigate back to a level space.

It was a week or so before I got to explain it to him.  To tell him about the situation, and how he had inadvertently created a situation that I had forgotten about.  Something that made a situation where honesty didn't matter, often resulted in a disregard for my consent, and on top of it still, created a situation where parts of me were villainized, and gaslit like I was always being a problem.

It was something he was caught off guard with.  Especially when I got to the last part.  I explained that I've had very few partners who didn't get insecure with me to a point that verged on abuse.  That outside of my current partners, there was only one other, and he fucked up elsewhere, or I probably would have been good for him.

Kitty wasn't exactly the most supportive when I explained everything, but hearing the situation, I could see that it was something he needed to process.  It hit him hard a few times, and he really started to understand that I had very real trauma for a long time.

I assured him that while that was something that was very serious, usually once I know those triggers exist, they're much easier for me to pass over if they happen again.  That just an awareness of them means that I can usually be ok in the future.

And maybe, just maybe, that was the last of the landmines left to be found.