A New Devious Chapter

A little over a month ago, Kitty had a friend over, who had asked for help with some serious stuff.  We talked about it, and discussed about how she would likely start attaching herself to him, and that he needed to be aware of that. Well, gave it a couple weeks, and she wants to be a serious partner of his.  He's saying that she's making legitimate progress on making herself a better person, and someone who he would consider dating, but mostly just says she's cute.  Sometimes, old habits die hard. However, he already has three partners, and still has trouble balancing that many.  He knows this, and often talks to me about how badly he feels for not being able to give proper time to everyone.  Of course, he barely thinks about that when considering taking on another partner though. And it makes me think about how after a while of having two partners, that I'm still completely poly-saturated.  I can't imagine taking on another partner.  Both because I doub

Along with all the normal holiday stress, this year also brings about the cookiepocalypse, and making a ton of gifts for people. This year the cookiepocalypse happens to be a little smaller than normal.  I was initially told to barely make any, and when I pointed out how little it would be, I then said I would be making more, and it was understood.  The house is full of a ton of cookies, but unfortunately, there's been very little healthy stuff in the house as well, which has been turning my mood to garbage. I have also put together a whole box of stuff for Kitty, and the house down there.  I need to remember to mail it, and at this point it likely won't make it for Christmas, but it will make it there eventually.  I think it's all stuff they will enjoy, and can't wait for them to see everything. I've made some super cool stuff for Lux, and it's been really hard to keep it a secret.  I'm looking forward to spending time with him over the holidays, and

I've mentioned how Pyre and Lux are going through a lot of stuff right now.  There's chaos on all sides of my polycule, and it's creating a lot of stress. Kitty has been using what time he can to help with Pyre, and I've been trying to give him time and presence through it to process things.  Also discussing my view on the situation as a whole.  He's been helping Pyre, because they're living together, and she's his partner. I've also been talking a lot with Pyre through everything.  Even though she doesn't effect the stability or health of my relationships, she's still important to one of my important people, and someone I know would be a good friend regardless of us having a mutual partner.   Side notes: When Thrax was trying to win over Bit, I didn't approve of her at all.  She had no ambition, no respect, and barely took care of herself.  If Thrax wasn't trying to get into her pants, I never would have given her the time of

The last week has been rather weird.  Sure, the weekend was good, but this week overall has just been a lot of stuff coming from everywhere. Apparently things exploded down south with Kitty, and now a lot of things are very shaky.  I've spent a lot of the week trying to talk to Pyre and Kitty about everything going on, and give my view on it all.  Unfortunately, it either has a lot of potential for harm, or people to be very upset for a good while.  It has me feeling rather protective of many people, and with them being far away, makes it worse. Lux is having some family issues, which has him incredibly stressed, and makes me very concerned for his family as well as for him.  He has a lot of anxiety over it, and I'm trying to help him stay calm and help where I can. Many things are going on, and not for the better.  A ton of things are in the air right now, and many others are exploding. While I may be trying to deal with things in my own house, it's times like this

So, stuff I'm thankful for and junk. This year has been weird, and I'm not in the best mental place when I'm writing this, so this one might be a little weird. I am thankful for getting to learn new things about me.  That while I don't get subdrop, I do get poly drop.  That I will always find ways the abuse of my past will creep in, and that I can get past it all.  That I am far better at communicating than a lot of my friends, and that I truly won't stand for any of the shit I've dealt with in the past. I am thankful for having safe people to do new things with!  And then to find my space in those things, and discover what I enjoy about them.  I am thankful for my love of a challenge, and always wondering just how far I can push myself. I am thankful for getting to learn how poly works for me, and having two absolutely wonderful and patient partners, who I can't imagine having ones that I care for more.  Who are supportive, and fun, and no matter how

Kitty and I talked about a lot of things when we were together.  A lot of rolling conversations that just flowed.  One morning, while still avoiding getting out of bed, he mentioned beatings before coffee and breakfast, which I said isn't an option, because I need to be awake to process and read what's going on properly.  He agreed after a minute, and said that morning kidnappings at camp or something would probably work better. I explained that things like that are how people get stabbed.  If someone is in bed with me when I go to sleep, and is supposed to be there, I have no problem being woken up for sex at any point.  My mind knows they should be there, and everything is cool.  However, if someone wasn't there when I went to bed, and wakes me up, I will wake up swinging, and generally have a lot of weapons within arms reach of where I sleep. He amusedly understood, and then questioned that middle of the night sex was ok.  I was honestly surprised that this even need

Last weekend I got to spend with Kitty, and while we had talked about a ton of things, it wound up being a weekend of decompressing together and snuggles. He never even made it over to the con, even though he had talked about buying new toys.  Instead, we were silly, and comfy, and just enjoying time. Needless to say, he overpacked.  He packed a ton of his impact toys, which we never even got around to.  But more on that later. When we finally met up, it was that reminder of how we need to spend time together more often.  The instant snuggly hugs that just don't feel like enough.  We had an adventure to the hotel, and babbled, and talked about a ton of current things in the first evening.  Kitty kind of pouted at not getting to have his first choice of dinner, but we still had a fun day. Saturday we waited forever to get out of bed.  Lots more snuggles, and deciding what to do with the day. At breakfast, Lux texted Kitty, which he first thought that meant conspiring agai

This last week has been really helpful for me on a lot of levels. Before Lux went back home, he visited for a little bit.  He wasn't in the best mindspace due to things with his family, but I still enjoyed the time, and it seemed like having that time together was good for him.  There's so much going on for him right now, and I feel like just being present is helping compared to how most people have been in the past for him.  Which, in a way is easy for me, because I always try to be present with him.  Kitty actually said the other day that Lux and I have a surprisingly open level of communication, especially compared to how he is. Speaking of which, I get to spend this weekend with Kitty!  I'm so excited, and we don't even have anything planned. We're just looking forward to time, and little things, like late night talks and snuggles. Because I am smart, and don't want to deal with an undercaffeinated Kitty, I made a ton of cold brew.  Which might be doub

Lux comes back from travelling this weekend, and I couldn't be happier about it.  Sure, he lives further away than I'd like him to all the time, but after a few days, I was done with the time difference.  Him being six hours later meant we got no real time together.  I woke up when he was halfway through his work day, and when he was getting out of work it was close to when the beast gets home from school.  By the time he's going to bed, I'm not even at the point of making dinner, and it's just too much of a difference for us to really spend much time.  I'll be very happy for us both to be back to a very similar time table, and can't wait to see him again as well.  I even made him some little toys to play with. In less than a week I see Kitty again, and I am made of excitement.  I am super happy to get to spend time with him, regardless of what we're doing, and really am just looking forward to having solid time together.  We've both had a lot goin

Lux may be across an ocean, and many countries away right now, but the week before he left, I felt so much better, and like we were both getting what we needed.  We spent a lot of time throughout the week on Discord together, and I watched streams of him playing games, so that if we couldn't be curled up on a couch together, we would still have that presence with each other. And while we may message each other constantly, having that time to actively do something together helped so much.   To make it better, before he left, he visited his parents, and spent the night with me.  I was so happy to just have the chance to be snuggled up with him, and spend time with him before he went so far away, and we had to adjust to the massive time change.  I think we both needed the time, especially because he had so much going on throughout that week. We've both been more present, and attentive, and it's definitely helping. Plans with Kitty are also coming together, and I'm

When I was with Thrax, I hated going to anything with him.  As soon as we'd get there, he would literally be telling me to go away any time I was in the same room as him, regardless of what I was doing, because he'd be trying to hit on someone else, or manipulate someone.  I usually wouldn't see him until he was too drunk to walk, and I needed to get him to bed.  I always found other people to spend time with, but still, I hated the fact that any time other people were around, or we were doing anything, he wanted nothing to do with me.  Yet more things that I've been taught about poly and balancing through having to deal with it from the worst side. There's a reason I point this out, I promise. Kitty and I have been planning to go to GKE.  It'll be our first weekend have time focused on each other in a year, and we're both looking forward to it.  We still need to finalize some plans, but it's coming together. And Lux will be just back from h

If my brain were a room, It'd be a big space, with lots of random things.  Space to dance, and work tables, and big bookshelves, and big boxes where cute boys live.  Normally, it's got lots of things being worked on and thought about but all in their respective areas, where they stay organized, and let me work on everything I want. Right now though, it's a mess.  A mess of different things. I miss spending time with Lux and Kitty.  Even though I've been talking to them both more regularly, I haven't had time to relax with either of them in person for months.  Lux was planning to come down last weekend to spend time with his parents, and we would have found some time for quiet snuggles, but he was sick, which means I won't be seeing him until after he gets back from travelling to far away lands for work.  Pretty much all I want at this point is time to actually physically snuggle up with them. I'm worried about Lux with everything in his life right now.

I've been trying to have more time talking to both Kitty and Lux.  Regular chats with Kitty have been helping a ton, and have had a very positive impact on my mood.  Lux has been stressed though, and even though we recently saw each other when we went camping, we got very little time to relax together. And that's what I want. I want time to just curl up and relax with someone.  Time when we're not running around trying to get stuff done, and I can actually have physical contact and comfort. It's been a couple months since it's happened at this point, and it's definitely affecting me.   Things like this cause me to be cranky more easily, and I lose my place in thought, or just feel off.   While there's possible time I'll be spending with both boys in the next month, I don't know about either of them definitely yet, and it makes me feel worse in a way.  Because at this point, I've more or less learned not to expect the happier op

I had that talk with Kitty a while back.  One that honestly had me worried if it would have any effect. Much to my happy surprise though, even throughout camp he kept up some level of communication, which I didn't expect at all given how busy he would be.  It continued past then, and we finally got time to have a long video call. We also talked about keeping up with them while he's not in an office, and even after.  With the beast in school, lunch dates are seeming like a plan to become a regular thing, and I can't wait. Apparently, he had been aware of his lacking in contact, and was planning on saying something when he got back from camp.  I just got to it first. We're also talking about possibly seeing each other again soon, which I'm really looking forward to. A little while ago, I was feeling so incredibly frustrated with him, to the point where if it was anyone else, I would get rid of them without a second thought.  With how he's responded thoug

One day last week was particularly draining for me, though it had a lot of good come from it. Lux and I wound up talking through a bunch of stuff, and at the same time, I was feeling very frustrated with Kitty.  Over the summer, there were countless times when we'd planned to talk, and I'd sat waiting to hear from him, or even though I would send him regular messages trying to keep up communication, I had only got a small scattering of responses, usually with no actual information about his goings on. It had me feeling such a mix of bad things.  I felt ignored, and like he was taking advantage of how loyal he knows I am.  I felt like he was just leaving me aside as he tried to balance his other partners, that I could simply be dropped while he tended to them.  It felt like even after I spoke up from my visit, I was just hearing less and less from him.  Like he was leaving again, but more slowly this time. I had planned to bring it up to him after camp.  He had enough on h

So, Pyre and her wife crashed over this weekend before going on their mini tour.  Kitty was of course super happy that we were hanging out, and I was helping the people he cares about.  At the same time, he was a little worried. See, I might not be considered the best influence for the behavior of others.  I never endanger people, or pressure them into things that would be seen as harmful, or damaging.  I however, put bugs in their heads to say things that might not be the most appropriate, or would be more entertaining to everyone.  This has a tendency to get Pyre in trouble with Kitty, which I am remarkably ok with. He also apparently barely talks about everything that's happened to him before moving to DC.  He only mentioned me before I really actively came back into his life seriously, and so there is a massive chunk of his life that he either doesn't remember, or doesn't mention. And then along comes a good partner like me, who fills in some of those holes.  Some

When Thrax was trying to convince me that we needed to date Bit, I constantly told him that I didn't want it to happen.  I told him that if he was going to bring in another partner, it had to be someone I approved of, because with how often we spent time together, and that he wanted her to live there, it would be like me dating her too.  He swore that I wouldn't be dating her, but then also said that "our" relationship needed a girlfriend in the same breath, hoping that would make him look less like a selfish asshat. Well, y'know, I didn't want someone who lied, stole, did drugs, had a bunch of unprotective sex already with STDs, and was generally disrespectful in our dynamic.  Oh damn, look at me being the bad guy. Now, while I don't really care if my partners become super besties, it is significantly easier for me if they get along.  I'm really lucky that Lux and Kitty approve of each other, and hit it off pretty well. And, Kitty feels the same

I'm sitting in homeroom.  It's early in the morning, and I'm digging out my drawing stuff from my backpack while sitting on my desk, getting ready to draw through geometry class and the review for the final.  As I shuffle through, I'm talking to my friend Nano.  Talking about my going to the larp that month. He tells me that if I see a person playing a character named "Kage", to challenge him and kick his ass.  That he had beaten Nano, and I had to get back at him.  I laugh, and agree rather sarcastically.  Out of our little group, I'm probably the best fighter, but I don't really care about getting back at anyone, and it isn't something my character would do. I'm sitting on a picnic table, late at night, with only the light on the porch of a building to go by.  There with me are two guys, one who is a couple years older than me, and wound up being a total skeezball, and one older than that, who found himself very pretty, and later admitte

With Lux and Kitty both being busy, I really haven't had much time with them.  I haven't seen either one of them in months, and only now have been managing to find time to talk to Kitty on the phone because he's at home getting things finished up for the move.  However, they've both been so busy during the day that I'm barely able to talk to them. It definitely has an impact on me.  I'm trying to be supportive and helpful, and stay present and consistent.  While that might not be helping them much, I think it does help, and sometimes I get time where they are responsive in return. However, the lack of time with them, even if things are relatively calm here right now makes me feel like I need some sort of presence.  These lengths of time away make me want simple affection even more than I want the sex, and more than anything, I crave just having time with them.  Those silly and simple moments that don't really involve anything other than time together.

Now that summer is about here, it means clusterfuck mode is starting. This weekend, Lux is visiting and we're off to an SCA event for the day.  I'm looking forward to watching him fight, and running around causing a bunch of trouble.  We're also supposed to discuss everything for Pennsic, and finally get to planning.  It should be some much needed fun time together. After that, it's Kitty's birthday before he finally moves, and that has me feeling incredibly bummed that I'm not getting to see him for it.  During that time, the beast will be with the gnome, so I'll be distracting myself with plenty of Pennsic prep.  Then, the week before mine and Lux's birthdays, the beast is back with the gnome, and I'm hoping to get up to spend the time with Lux, because I miss being up there and spending time snuggled up with him. And then, birthdays.  Which, even though I want to do something, there's still a part of my mind that makes me want to run from