A New Devious Chapter

So, I said I would talk more about Zero, and things going on with him that have me rather cranky. I had to be all pride though, cause it's the thing to do. Last time I talked to him, I was trying to make plans for us to hang out, because it's been a while, and he keeps saying he's missed me.  I made a few suggestions of dates that worked with his schedule, and he started saying that he wasn't sure, and might be hanging out with "the girlfriends". To which, I asked if this new girl had flat out said she wanted poly and to date.  He said "Not yet, but just taking it day by day".  Bitch, if you already started calling this person your girlfriend, when she isn't, and hasn't yet said she wants to be, you aren't taking it "day by day".  You're reaching for an ideal situation in your head, and don't want to accept that things might not be that way. We continue talking though, and he fills me in that this girl has a ton

Is Polyamory day! I always want to type polyarmoury.  Nope, that's Lux's closet. Poly is something I've had to do a lot of talking about lately.  With Zero in his situation (more on that later on because holy hell) it's been kind of awesome to realize that this is an aspect of my life I can actually reflect on and talk about, rather than only having shitty experiences, or flailing with nerves. Also, I still swear I'm the only person who could manage to accidentally poly.  No idea how to pick up partners even if I wanted to.  Cute boys fall into my lap apparently, and then I decide I like them.  Could be worse.  I think being a nerd that cooks helps. Now, I'm the kind of person who doesn't preach any particular lifestyle as being better than any other.  So long as it's healthy, and fulfills the people involved, then it's awesome.  If it came down to it, I could probably have one partner again and be happy, so long as things were done in a resp

Lately, Zero has been coming to me a lot with issues about poly stuff. Mind you, he still hasn't actually been in a poly dynamic, but is striving for it. And, I'm finding that he's becoming more reclusive, and at the same time just hunting for a third.  Like, giving people job requirements when meeting them of "This is the only role I'm looking for to have someone fill in my life right now" And I looked at everything he was saying, and the issues he's having, and confronted him about them. He wants a local support network.  People close by that he can confide in, and spend time with.  Well, I might think he needs to get rid of his current partner, because that relationship is toxic, and the things he says he wants he refuses to give to his current partner because he doesn't feel happy around her, but maybe meeting more people will help with that. I told him though, that he doesn't need a romantic partner to create a support network.  Some

So, I'm pretty open with the general public about the goings on in my life.  About kink, and poly, and gender, and all those things.  Obviously, I don't let it take over conversation with my vanilla friends, and am able to keep things professional and appropriate when needed, but I don't feel a need to hide that from every other aspect of my life. At home though, I deal with listening to my parents spewing all the bigoted shit about how so many people who aren't almost completely heteronormative are broken, sick, looking for attention, or a thousand other things.  I listen to them reference things I identify with, and that they believe those people demented.  They tell me that because I don't have a stereotypical relationship, I'm being taken advantage of, and that I'm just being stupid. And so even though I'm not gay, or trans, I'm in the closet at home, with so many aspects of my life. It's stressful honestly, and I don't know how so

Quite a while ago, Lux and I were talking about some of the effects of his being hurt by past partners.  How it affected us, and our dynamic. And while yes, that hurt did cause our dynamic to change a lot, as well as take some steps back in several ways, Lux is the kind of person who thrives when he has multiple partners.  I've noticed a few times that when he has a pool of active partners, he tends to be more affectionate and connected and move further with all of them.  When it's just us, he's present and attentive, and I don't feel ignored in any way, but there is massive change when he has another partner there. It's amazing in some ways.  To see how someone thrives as a partner, just by having someone else there.  And I know I'm not lacking in any way that I don't bring that out in him, but simply that he is wired in a way where he best fits into a open poly situation. I'd need to ask Lux to be certain, but I feel as though it doesn't

Someone was talking to me the other day about how she actually kicked her husband's partner out of the house a while ago.  He has had serious health issues for months now, and is unable to drive for a good while longer.  So, his other partner has to come to the house to see him.  Apparently, she was coming by so often to act as a supportive partner that his wife felt like she was "shoved into a co-wife situation" and his partner was acting like she wanted a "mommy dom". Now, this person is bad with people.  Like, she pretty much shuns anyone outside of a handful of people away, and is so closed minded in seriously radical ideas that she shoves most of those away as well.  Having not been there, but knowing her, I'd say she just got tired of having someone else female in the house, and threw a fit. To which, she then told me that she actively wanted to avoid talking to or seeing her metamour, and was only ok with her husband having her around when he

Usually, Kitty and I make time for each other on Mondays.  We spend some amount of the evening  talking, and going on tangents, and being silly.  We still have some problems staying connected and communicating with the distance through the rest of the week, but generally this is pretty reliable time together. The Monday before Valentine's, I got a message from him saying we wouldn't be able to talk, because it was his anniversary with Pyre, and he wanted to go out and celebrate with her.  While I thought to myself that they probably have the worst date for an anniversary ever, I'm never going to stop him from spending time with a partner, or him from celebrating something. It happened to be a particularly bad day unfortunately, and so he was being a bit more present than usual as we talked about several things, including how Pyre absolutely loved the present I made for Kitty.  That he bought her a chain starter kit and some scales so she could play around with learni

A lot has been going on in the last few weeks.  Some of it will finally start calming down, and others are going to continue creating anxiety. Things at home are worse than ever.  The gnome has just started making empty promises and not telling me he's breaking them, so I've lost out on plans, and means I'm getting very little time out with anyone.  This is even more heavily changed by the fact that he is seeing the beast during the week, which means her entire schedule during school is getting fucked with.  My parents have just decided t completely ignore me as a person unless they're telling me I'm stupid or worthless because I'm either trying to point something out, or have a different opinion than they do. I've gone through a lot of my clothes to start dressing in a way that makes me feel more like me, as well as cracking down on my diet, and working out more.  I will find a way to stop hating my body this year, and stop the anxiety attacks that my d

It's Valentine's Day soon, and I have very mixed feeling this year. I'm feeling incredibly lonely lately, and my mental state is much lower than it has been in a while.  It's been a long time since I've had any chance to decompress, and longer since I've had real time with my partners to just enjoy them.  At the same time, I've been doing as much as I can to help them, as they both have massive stressful things going on, and need presence in whatever ways I can provide. At the same time, I've pushed aside all the commercial bullshit of this holiday.  If it isn't obvious, I don't need a holiday to show people affection, but it gives me an excuse, and a desire to do a ton of little cute and fun things for everyone I care about.  No pressure of grand things, or feeling of obligation.  However, I want everyone, from just friends, to partners, to feel cared about, because that's incredibly important. I've decided that holidays aren't

I finally got to the post office last week to send off the box of things for Kitty and everyone in the house down in Florida.  After I very impatiently waited for the two days it took to get there, I got to enjoy all the happy messages from all of them, snuggling their new things, and flailing with them, and having them oogle everything.  I was so happy that everyone found joy in the little things I made, and that it brought peace and happiness to house that has had a lot of anxiety all around lately. Afterward, I was talking with Kitty in the moments before he wound up falling asleep on the couch.  I reminded him to enjoy the happiness of the house today, and use it as time to relax and reset.  Apparently, his anxiety was so high, he hadn't even thought of that, and thanked me for the reminder.  I joked that it was part of my job, and something I had signed on for a long time ago.  That he had dealt with so much of my shit long ago that he didn't have to worry about things n

This year may be ending on a sour note, but more on that later.  In the meantime, I want to try and push more positivity by looking at everything I want the new year to bring. In the next year I want to: Dance somewhere new Finally get into a scorpion pose Spend way more time on an endorphin high Try something new Play around with a new coloring book Be around friends and partners more Go on adventures Continue growing beyond all the shit in my life Try to be as healthy and supportive as possible Become happy with my body That's a hell of a list.  Let's see if I manage.

A little over a month ago, Kitty had a friend over, who had asked for help with some serious stuff.  We talked about it, and discussed about how she would likely start attaching herself to him, and that he needed to be aware of that. Well, gave it a couple weeks, and she wants to be a serious partner of his.  He's saying that she's making legitimate progress on making herself a better person, and someone who he would consider dating, but mostly just says she's cute.  Sometimes, old habits die hard. However, he already has three partners, and still has trouble balancing that many.  He knows this, and often talks to me about how badly he feels for not being able to give proper time to everyone.  Of course, he barely thinks about that when considering taking on another partner though. And it makes me think about how after a while of having two partners, that I'm still completely poly-saturated.  I can't imagine taking on another partner.  Both because I doub

Along with all the normal holiday stress, this year also brings about the cookiepocalypse, and making a ton of gifts for people. This year the cookiepocalypse happens to be a little smaller than normal.  I was initially told to barely make any, and when I pointed out how little it would be, I then said I would be making more, and it was understood.  The house is full of a ton of cookies, but unfortunately, there's been very little healthy stuff in the house as well, which has been turning my mood to garbage. I have also put together a whole box of stuff for Kitty, and the house down there.  I need to remember to mail it, and at this point it likely won't make it for Christmas, but it will make it there eventually.  I think it's all stuff they will enjoy, and can't wait for them to see everything. I've made some super cool stuff for Lux, and it's been really hard to keep it a secret.  I'm looking forward to spending time with him over the holidays, and

I've mentioned how Pyre and Lux are going through a lot of stuff right now.  There's chaos on all sides of my polycule, and it's creating a lot of stress. Kitty has been using what time he can to help with Pyre, and I've been trying to give him time and presence through it to process things.  Also discussing my view on the situation as a whole.  He's been helping Pyre, because they're living together, and she's his partner. I've also been talking a lot with Pyre through everything.  Even though she doesn't effect the stability or health of my relationships, she's still important to one of my important people, and someone I know would be a good friend regardless of us having a mutual partner.   Side notes: When Thrax was trying to win over Bit, I didn't approve of her at all.  She had no ambition, no respect, and barely took care of herself.  If Thrax wasn't trying to get into her pants, I never would have given her the time of

So, stuff I'm thankful for and junk. This year has been weird, and I'm not in the best mental place when I'm writing this, so this one might be a little weird. I am thankful for getting to learn new things about me.  That while I don't get subdrop, I do get poly drop.  That I will always find ways the abuse of my past will creep in, and that I can get past it all.  That I am far better at communicating than a lot of my friends, and that I truly won't stand for any of the shit I've dealt with in the past. I am thankful for having safe people to do new things with!  And then to find my space in those things, and discover what I enjoy about them.  I am thankful for my love of a challenge, and always wondering just how far I can push myself. I am thankful for getting to learn how poly works for me, and having two absolutely wonderful and patient partners, who I can't imagine having ones that I care for more.  Who are supportive, and fun, and no matter how

Kitty and I talked about a lot of things when we were together.  A lot of rolling conversations that just flowed.  One morning, while still avoiding getting out of bed, he mentioned beatings before coffee and breakfast, which I said isn't an option, because I need to be awake to process and read what's going on properly.  He agreed after a minute, and said that morning kidnappings at camp or something would probably work better. I explained that things like that are how people get stabbed.  If someone is in bed with me when I go to sleep, and is supposed to be there, I have no problem being woken up for sex at any point.  My mind knows they should be there, and everything is cool.  However, if someone wasn't there when I went to bed, and wakes me up, I will wake up swinging, and generally have a lot of weapons within arms reach of where I sleep. He amusedly understood, and then questioned that middle of the night sex was ok.  I was honestly surprised that this even need

Last weekend I got to spend with Kitty, and while we had talked about a ton of things, it wound up being a weekend of decompressing together and snuggles. He never even made it over to the con, even though he had talked about buying new toys.  Instead, we were silly, and comfy, and just enjoying time. Needless to say, he overpacked.  He packed a ton of his impact toys, which we never even got around to.  But more on that later. When we finally met up, it was that reminder of how we need to spend time together more often.  The instant snuggly hugs that just don't feel like enough.  We had an adventure to the hotel, and babbled, and talked about a ton of current things in the first evening.  Kitty kind of pouted at not getting to have his first choice of dinner, but we still had a fun day. Saturday we waited forever to get out of bed.  Lots more snuggles, and deciding what to do with the day. At breakfast, Lux texted Kitty, which he first thought that meant conspiring agai

This last week has been really helpful for me on a lot of levels. Before Lux went back home, he visited for a little bit.  He wasn't in the best mindspace due to things with his family, but I still enjoyed the time, and it seemed like having that time together was good for him.  There's so much going on for him right now, and I feel like just being present is helping compared to how most people have been in the past for him.  Which, in a way is easy for me, because I always try to be present with him.  Kitty actually said the other day that Lux and I have a surprisingly open level of communication, especially compared to how he is. Speaking of which, I get to spend this weekend with Kitty!  I'm so excited, and we don't even have anything planned. We're just looking forward to time, and little things, like late night talks and snuggles. Because I am smart, and don't want to deal with an undercaffeinated Kitty, I made a ton of cold brew.  Which might be doub

Lux comes back from travelling this weekend, and I couldn't be happier about it.  Sure, he lives further away than I'd like him to all the time, but after a few days, I was done with the time difference.  Him being six hours later meant we got no real time together.  I woke up when he was halfway through his work day, and when he was getting out of work it was close to when the beast gets home from school.  By the time he's going to bed, I'm not even at the point of making dinner, and it's just too much of a difference for us to really spend much time.  I'll be very happy for us both to be back to a very similar time table, and can't wait to see him again as well.  I even made him some little toys to play with. In less than a week I see Kitty again, and I am made of excitement.  I am super happy to get to spend time with him, regardless of what we're doing, and really am just looking forward to having solid time together.  We've both had a lot goin

Lux may be across an ocean, and many countries away right now, but the week before he left, I felt so much better, and like we were both getting what we needed.  We spent a lot of time throughout the week on Discord together, and I watched streams of him playing games, so that if we couldn't be curled up on a couch together, we would still have that presence with each other. And while we may message each other constantly, having that time to actively do something together helped so much.   To make it better, before he left, he visited his parents, and spent the night with me.  I was so happy to just have the chance to be snuggled up with him, and spend time with him before he went so far away, and we had to adjust to the massive time change.  I think we both needed the time, especially because he had so much going on throughout that week. We've both been more present, and attentive, and it's definitely helping. Plans with Kitty are also coming together, and I'm