A New Devious Chapter

There's a lot of toxicity in my family.  A lot of inconsistencies, untruths, broken promises, and negativity.  It creates a shattering amount of stress, and is terrible for me in every way. I enjoy being submissive because I enjoy taking care of partners.  I love the comfort that comes with putting myself in someone else's hands, and having someone to give me the drive to grow, and make them proud of who they have. But I absolutely can't have what I do at home.  I need to know I should constantly be working to please my domlyperson.  If I feel like I'll be ignored, or shit on no matter what I do, I'll do whatever I want, because there's no reason for me to be unhappy and get nothing out of it.  I need positive reinforcement to counteract how I'm constantly told negative things.  While I don't need a lot, that stern, but positive manner is absolutely vital.  It centers me, keeps me obedient (well... mostly), and does all manner of good for me.  Things

A few weeks ago, Lux brought up a thought he'd had about power exchange.  Who the responsibility belongs to start it, and which party should keep it going.  He said the answer of both is a cop out, but it's probably the most honest. Domlyfolk need to acknowledge the submission of their property.  Even if they aren't always actively taking control, they need to see that those actions are present, and make their findings known.  Simple affirmations can be enough, just to encourage it to keep going, without spouting orders and punishment. Likewise, the submissive needs to keep in mind their little rules.  Asking permission, small acts of service, verbal reminders, all work to keep the domlyfolk happy, and able to keep the exchange in mind.  A smoothly working power exchange doesn't need to always be in focus to be present, but the actions should continue on all parts involved.  No need for constant kneeling, orders, or grand expression.  They're fun yes, and they do

When it comes to normal play, especially of a nonsexual sort, I lean incredibly heavily toward the top side of things.  I want to be the one to illicit the screams of another, and have fun tearing someone up. When it comes to sex though, at the very least in my past, I've fallen into more of the role of a bottom with partners, and it's something I questioned for a long time.  I've found that I'm much more of a sadomasochist when it comes to sex.  I equate force with desire, and direct physical force most specifically.  It's definitely where my primal orientation kicks in.  When I've been with submissive men, and we're fooling around, they'll ask me what I want them to do, and it's seriously the biggest turn off ever.  I'll take control and speak up if I want something specific, but otherwise, I just want to work on instinct.  If someone feels the need to ask what to do, or feels like they need to be gentle, it reads to me that they don't wa

This last week was really hard on me.  I've had a lot digging at me, and not much actually helping me relax, or reset at all. It has me wanting power exchange as a more regular appearance in my day.  Whether to be service, or little reminders of dynamics that make me feel wanted.  I don't know why, but when I have my family trying to control me, and actively treating me like shit, I crave having someone that I can just relax and serve and take care of, and just have tiny little reminders that I am wanted, and appreciated, and owned, and not the piece of shit that they tell me I am.  It lets me completely reset, and actually have positivity to lift me up more. And it doesn't even need to be anything huge.  I'm not a fan of micromanagement and insane dehumanizing levels of control.  Just little expressions and acts will do way more for me, and make me feel incredible amounts better. Feeling like I'm wanted, and having positivity in my life is so different from my

This last week was really hard on me.  I've had a lot digging at me, and not much actually helping me relax, or reset at all. It has me wanting power exchange as a more regular appearance in my day.  Whether to be service, or little reminders of dynamics that make me feel wanted.  I don't know why, but when I have my family trying to control me, and actively treating me like shit, I crave having someone that I can just relax and serve and take care of, and just have tiny little reminders that I am wanted, and appreciated, and owned, and not the piece of shit that they tell me I am.  It lets me completely reset, and actually have positivity to lift me up more. And it doesn't even need to be anything huge.  I'm not a fan of micromanagement and insane dehumanizing levels of control.  Just little expressions and acts will do way more for me, and make me feel incredible amounts better. Feeling like I'm wanted, and having positivity in my life is so different from my

So, last weekend Lux, Nessa, and I went off to Flea.  The whole weekend was a fun time, with lots of giggles, new toys, and a generally chill vibe. I also realized how much Lux and I confuse people. Apparently, I was putting off a very toppy vibe.  As a switch, I usually seem very toppy, but being a tiny female, people sometimes instantly peg me as just a submissive.  I find that how I dress can change this up a lot.  I've stopped wearing collars as a form of jewelry, but will sometimes wear something that is obviously a choker.  Even when wearing more skimpy stuff, there is enough masculinity to how I dress that it stays pretty level. Usually people talk to me like a top, because I generally look at product for my own use.  And if it isn't, I'm generally running off to grab someone else.  I also tend to have obvious energy of how I feel towards those around me.  If there is one thing true about me, it's that I absolutely cannot send mixed signals. So, I'm a

I was listening to a podcast the other day, and it started discussing the idea of switches in power exchange relationships.  It talked about how a switch can be very capable of having a stable and static dynamic with one person, which I absolutely agreed with, and enjoyed hearing, because a lot of people claim it isn't the case. What I didn't like about it however, was that it very adamantly pushes that switches must have open relationships, and need to have multiple partners so that they can constantly be satiating both sides of a power exchange. And while this may be true for some switches, I absolutely do not fit into that category. I can very happily have one partner, a steady dynamic, and not feel an unwavering need for more.  Admittedly, I do on occasion get slight cravings for the other side when this is the case, just because I haven't had the chance to indulge in it for a while, and it becomes apparent.  Usually, it comes out for a bit in the relationship I d

I notice a lot of popularity in the scene tends to be around people finding space where they become someone else.  Age regression, Pet spaces, and other forms of dehumanization seem to be everywhere lately, and I'm never quite sure how I feel about it. I know every case is different, but I never know whether to look at it more as having to remove themselves from a situation to embrace sexuality, or that they are so comfortable with themselves that they can be someone else as well. I know that personally, I could never do it.  When it comes to my sexuality, and even switching, I'm always me.  I have to be.  I could be snuggled up with Lux, fixing him coffee, and kneeling at his feet, while giving tasks to another submissive, and never once feel confused or lose myself in the process. I've got a lot of self confidence issues (surprise!) that may have become less apparent, or even barely existent over the years, but have impacted my sexuality as a whole.  I need to know

There are many reasons why I do not speak about sexuality, or sex in general with my parents.  The following are a few of those reasons. We have a lot of people in and out of the house normally.  It's always been the case, and lately, we've had the family of my brother's childhood best friend (who is basically my adopted brother) here all the time.  As an adorable side note, their son who is just younger than the beast, is her best friend.  Friendship down generations is the cutest. So, girlfriend of said adopted brother comes over for dinner a few days a week.  She missed one of her normal days, and so we checked in with her, and she said she was at a sex toy party, and would be over that night for leftovers. When she came over, she and my mother were talking, discussing how she intends to throw a party herself, and wants me to go (which I would rather not, for a multitude of reasons), and that she is throwing the party so that she can get the vibrator she wants, whi

Last weekend I had a somewhat impromptu trip up to Lux's apartment with a mutual friend (the one I posted about a couple weeks ago)  to help him get settled in.  This of course also involved getting to break in his new place by fucking as much as we possibly could in every room.  I went through the week prepping a box of some things he needed, and plotting with him all the wonderful sexy thoughts that go through our heads every day. I have to say, I was a bit nervous at first.  Not even so much for how sex would go, as Lux is incredibly respectful, and often paranoid of me and how I'm doing, but of simply being around Nessa for that long of a drive, and then for the remaining time.  I often have problems being around people for extended doses.  This is especially true when I don't have other people to use as a buffer.  I however packed up my tablet to read, and my pliers to play with Lux's rings, and told myself that so long as I could manage the drive I'd be fine

One of the things that contributes most to people mistaking my sexual orientation is the fact that I will still play with girls.  I am often heard saying that I love beating up girls, and have no issue tying them up, breaking their minds, or beating the shit out of them. And then when I say I'm straight, they just don't understand. Even when I offer to play with female friends, they don't quite get it. Because I offer them non-sexual playtime. For some reason, the ability to separate play and sex is such a rare thing in my area.  And sure, sometimes I want all the kink in my sex. But more often than not, there is no sex in my kink. I'm not talking about the occasional play session that doesn't end in me bouncing on a cock. I mean that a good majority of my experience with play barely involves removing clothes.  There is no interaction with genitalia, no smooches, no sex at all.  And this concept confuses the fuck out of people. Until they pl

Oh yea, that's right, I actually feel the need to type this up lately.  Never assume anything about me.  I will surprise you.  From the first moment, to years later, there will be things about me that you will not expect, and assuming the wrong thing, and treating me that way will only kill your chances.  Common things that occur with this are my sexuality, orientation, or gullibility. Don't try and get anywhere the first time we hang out in person.  Sure, we can talk sex, and play and all of it, but don't suggest anything.  I've got a very strict "No play on the first date" policy, and trying to break it, will result in me breaking you. No means no, but yes does not mean push further.  If I'm cool with something, enjoy that.  I'll take things further if I'm comfortable with it.  Trust me, I have no issue taking the initiative sexually. Make the first move.  Yes, this means after we've hung out at least once.  Even just a small comment o

You know that post I had a couple weeks ago about thinking I capable now of things I was completely broken over a year ago? Yea, well, I had the chance to actually test some of  that out recently. It went fantastically. It wasn't really set up beforehand, but everyone was aware of everyone else's situation, and limits to respect.  It was comfortable, and everyone involved walked away happy. Honestly, I've never had a threesome actually go that well before.  Had I not been packing up from performing at a faire, I would have wanted to just snuggle and revel in it for an hour or so afterward. It gives me so much hope for the future, and really proves to me that people can make all the difference with every interaction. Also, knowing how nervous Lux was and how happy he was afterward just over the fact that I was as good with it as I was made me find him that much more amazing. On a side note, this was the first time that I've done anything to a girl and had it

Ok, so very few people are going to understand that title.  Nerdcookies to those who do. I've got a few buttons on my person that can actually change my demeanor completely. No, I don't quite mean in the way that harmful triggers do.  Not the things that cause others to curl up, panic, and need to calm themselves. They're buttons that when someone makes contact with them, a certain part of my mind takes over, and it's completely different with each one. No, this isn't a cheat sheet to where they are.  Really, that's just taking out all the fun. However, I've got three, so learning where they are can be really handy for the right person.  Or dangerous, considering... The first one brings about violence.  It's technically two buttons at once, but they are easy and convenient to hit at the same time.    The slightest bit of pressure on them will have me swinging in a blood rage, trying to tear apart whoever was so (un)fortunate as to hit them.  T

I've recently been thinking about some of the things I thought I simply wasn't capable of as far as sex and play had been concerned.  Not my limits mind you, but just certain scenarios that I didn't think I could ever deal with due to my past, and how it would affect me now. Thrax and the gnome left me pretty heavily fucked up about a lot of things.  Between rape, being put down for my sex drive, being told my asking to play every few months was pushy and too forceful for a slave it didn't leave me in the best mental shape. Then add in the lies, disregard for my well-being, attempts at manipulation, and totally ignoring what I'd clearly asked of them.  It adds to that pile. I was at a point a year ago where I couldn't imagine co-topping ever again, submitting to any real extent, having someone else present while I topped someone, or having another girl as a third in any way, or my being a third. And it's been a year, I've had a lot of good

I know I've mentioned being a sociopath on here. It's not a joke when I say it.  Be around me for more than a day or so, and you'll start to see it.  I won't bother to censor my comments, and it'll become startlingly obvious. Due to this, and my love of psychology in and of itself, when something comes up about how the average person perceives a sociopath or a psychopath, I jump at the opportunity to read it, and often giggle at how they believe the mind works. But I'll let you in on a secret. Most of that is wrong. Yes, we do tend to be highly intelligent.  For me at least, this is because of a highly logical mind.  I can think through things with a complex process, which doesn't get clouded by emotionally driven thoughts.  If fact, I don't feel many emotions that other people do.  I often have to fake emotion while I'm with other people because I don't actually feel it myself, and know that not reacting in a similar fashion will cause i

I've managed to get to the end of all my pre-typed, and scheduled posts, hooray! This last weekend, I spent with Lux at his place.  We both went into it with the intention of violence, snuggles, productivity, and obscene amounts of sex.  He however, was under a ton of stress with everything going on in the next couple weeks, that it turned into more just productivity, some sex, and a lot of snuggling. To be honest though, I enjoyed it all the same.  It was a fantastic escape right after my birthday, and I got to help him get through a lot of things he needed to do.  We'll find time to get around to the violence soon, as it's much more a case of needing to get free time, rather than finding the desire at this point.  He gave me some wonderful gifts (some of which I unfortunately already had, but oh well, he can enjoy them himself) and I saw the chain piece he is making for me, which while still in progress looks gorgeous, and I can't wait to see it finished.  I helpe

So, I was one of those switches that started thinking I was only a sadist.  For the longest time, I just enjoyed hurting people who wanted it, seeing how much they could take, and experimenting on the reactions to different pains at different levels.  That was all I needed to be perfectly fulfilled. Then I had a friend ask if I wanted to try mixing power exchange with it.  That he trusted me to be safe holding all the control of a situation. And well, that was fun too! All this, and it still wasn't sexual for me though.  Keep this in mind. At this point, I was content in just being the toppy/dommy/sadist side of things. Until, one day someone fought back.  Just for fun, they tore me up as I took them apart. I realized then, pain was pretty fun on both sides! One more thing I found I enjoyed.  Hooray!  This also made me acknowledge that I was in fact a switch in at least one aspect. That friend that suggested I try being domly?  He then asked how I would feel about giv