A New Devious Chapter

We're expected to have someone.  Dating sites, social networking, online forums; we're all obligated to have a significant other. We have apps designed to pair together people just of appearance alone. These apps throw us together, and we chat once. Well, we don't hate each other, and there is a physical attraction. Dating begins. Facebook official. Selfies making out. Constant communication. Posting of how they are meant to be. Seeing the happiness of everyone. Expecting perfection. Expecting to give up everyone else for the sake of a one week old "serious" relationship. Talking to friends leads to jealous fits. Not instantly replying creates paranoia. Personality clashes because you never took the time to see how you meshed. Thinking you're doomed, because you only see the good in everyone else's lives. I hate what relationships have turned into at this point.  We go from a friend request online, to engaged, to hatefu

Recently, especially with the beast, I've been realizing how much I enjoy having hand made things.  Whether making them myself, making things for others, or seeing what others create, I love having things made by human hands, with love and energy and history in every fiber and piece.  It makes me think of them, and the skill and talent they have. And being able to pass those things on, makes it all even better.  To have things, and remember seeing them from years ago when they were someone else's and now they've found their way to you, still able to serve some purpose, and bring joy. I love to make things. For myself, or for others.  It's one of the biggest ways that I show affection, and I will run myself ragged making and doing for others, because I want to help them, and do what I can to make their world a better place. And sometimes it's just a doodle. Sometimes it's a plushie. Sometimes clothing. Sometimes a piece of jewelry that leave my hands in

It's a recurring thing with certain friends of mine that I can't stand, especially being friends with so many guys.  Even Thrax had the same issue, even though he refused to admit it.  And of course, because I'm the more understanding friend, they talk to me about it, thinking I'll just smile and nod and be all about it. For some reason, a large percentage of my male friends tell their girlfriends that they can go and have sex with other girls or "cheat on them" with girls, and it's ok.  But not guys.  They aren't even allowed to talk to other guys. Also that they are trying to convince their girlfriends to find a girlfriend. Without skipping a beat, I always respond with "So, does that mean you're looking for a boyfriend, and are fucking other guys, while not talking to other girls?" To which they say no, of course not, but they think their girlfriend with another girl is hot, so it's ok. COMMENCE ME FLIPPING MY SHIT. Che

For a few days after Christmas, I went up with Lux to visit his place, and have some time to ourselves.  We had planned to go to the movies, have a ton of sex, be violent, and snuggle with a bunch of movies.  It was going to be some solid time of killing stress, and taking care of all the cravings we'd had over the holidays. Well, we killed stress and snuggled.  There was still some sex, though no where near as much as normal for us, because we were both happy just curled up playing video games, and felt at peace enjoying hanging out together.  Half the movies we wanted to watch fell to the wayside for gaming, and shorter youtube videos, and the desire to simply lounge on the couch cuddled and naked won out to putting on clothes to see what we had planned to out. And it was perfect, honestly.   No real worries of trying to get things done, or scheduling anything.  There wasn't even power exchange other than how we normally wind up handling things, and there didn't need

While perusing the Tumblr, I saw something on one of those random little surveys that someone had done.  A question that asked if the person had ever cheated on a partner before. Their response was that they hadn't physically, but they had emotionally. And this got me thinking about when the gnome accused me of cheating on him emotionally with Felix.  After he had been cheating on me with some unknown number people, lied to me constantly, treated me like shit and a myriad of other things. No, I'm not saying cheating should ever be a justifiable option, but his accusation was based purely off of his own insecurity.  He was being an asshole, so he assumed I must be too. Cheating is a conscious decision.  You make the decision to do something, the decision to follow through, and the decision to keep it from others.  Drunk isn't an excuse, depressed isn't an excuse, you yourself make the decision to do something you feel you need to keep a secret. And developing f

It's a normal thing for me to look back near the end of the year and think about everything that I've learned. Sooooooooo, OBLIGATORY NEW YEAR POST! This year I learned that: A downside of having old friends means they may get "old" faster than you do, and it's not a bad thing, but means they are not meant to stay in your life any longer. People with addictive personalities will treat you like shit in order to act in the way they are used to.  Those new behaviors will then become habit, and they will always treat you like shit. Many people who either marry early, or do not keep up a social circle that changes, will stop maturing emotionally.  This becomes difficult to deal with as they get older. Toxic people will always be toxic.  Random better treatment is a fluke. Keep the people in your life that kick you in the ass to be inspired, always tell the truth, and go along with your random ideas. People do not know how to process something outside of the

It's coming close to the end of the year, and so I've been thinking about all the new things I want to learn and do next year. I generally don't make resolutions like the bulk of people, but rather think of many small goals to accomplish, and things to learn. For 2015 my list includes Learning to bake shortbread Being able to do a headstand Learning viking wire weaving Figuring out more belly dance moves Working more on my flexibility Getting to have Eat Like a Hobbit Day Getting suspended, by either rope or flesh hooks It's not a long list, but most of those things will take time. Let's see how much I can knock off that list!

Since it is Christmas, I thought I would share something for everyone who may read this. Porn! But not normal porn, with genitals, and all.  Oh no.  I would never share something that simple. Voice porn! In case you didn't know, I develop crushes on people just due to their voices.  Either their normal speaking tone, or the way they say a certain something.  I will manifest panties, just so they may drop through the floor, and I swear there are times I could get off just listening, without any actual stimulation. So, here are a few of my favorites. http://youtu.be/vFV1QvnLVsM http://youtu.be/OnUhnr6MsS8 http://youtu.be/OnGoHU3tfg4 Welp, have fun with that.  Hope everyone enjoys the gift of eargasm.

I haven't had time to actually think about things I want for Christmas this year.  I've been so busy, and have really had a year of just not caring about material things, and far more about experiences and function. I told my family all I wanted was to go to Pennsic, which is in August, but with how they are, I need to start poking now if I want them to possibly remember it. Otherwise, I want the chance to relax.  I want time away from home. I want to not be treated like a piece of shit. Luckily, I'll be getting just that in a few days, which should help me out a lot. Hopefully I'll get a solid beating in, and enough violence to take care of the craving I've had for a bit now. Oh, and I want to have more chance to just cook or bake whatever I want. Which I will also get to do. I know, I'm so difficult. On a side note, I'm almost out of loose tea.  That would actually be a good thing for me to have told people for gifts.

Now that we've gone about celebrating Channukah in the house, things are calming down. I don't have to crochet ten thousand things. I have baked every bit of cookie dough in the house.  Which added up to around 1500 cookies. The big cooking and wrapping and figuring of things is done. Yes, we still have Christmas, but that's simple in the scheme of things. So, this week I can focus on the two presents I have left to finish, and start making the changes I want to toward being healthier. Because I don't have every moment of my day claimed to do something for the holidays, I'm finally starting to work out again.   No lie, it already has me feeling more active, and I do enjoy the sore muscles I have the next day. Also, noodley arms are fun. I can focus on the things I want to make for myself, and that I want to accomplish in the near future. I can also look toward what is going on in the next couple weeks.  Which involves some time adventuri

Oh the nerdiness it will take to understand that title. So, I've noticed that in the last year or so, for those that only see me online, or haven't assumed that Lux and I are dating (which we are still quick to clarify that we don't want the formalities, expectations, and obligations that go along with it, and so we are not actually dating) I am constantly asked if I am "looking for someone". To which, I tell them I'm not, and then I realize that I've never actually been looking for a partner.  Even if the pool is small (and I don't think it's ever been a large number at any point), there's always been at least one person.  Dating included, before I ever feel like I want a relationship, someone comes along and shows interest.  This may however, explain why I dated just as a change of scenery in my teens. Honestly, I can't imagine going actively looking for a partner, whether for a relationship, or purely for sexual reasons.  I have no

I enjoy reading tags on posts.  Sometimes they are funny, or provide insight to how a post is meant to be viewed.  There are times when I find the tags themselves more interesting than the post. Sometimes on Tumblr though, I see a pile of people just humping each other, each with the tag "Romantic". It makes me think of how the gnome would say he was being romantic with me any time he wanted to fuck and was trying to kiss me. Then I see pictures of people holding hands.  Of one person resting their head on the chest of another.  Of pouncing on a partner and giggling.  And these are simply given the tag "cute". I see far more romance in these moments than any picture of people fucking.  Snuggling up shows trust, care, and compassion.  While these may be present while fucking someone, it's certainly not always the case. We don't hold hands with people we've just started having sex with.  We don't curl up in their lap and let down walls.  We d

I noticed yesterday how hard I am on myself when it comes to what I work on. My father and I have been working on a set of bog chairs for me to use at events.  Two large ones for Lux and I, and one small one for the beast (or me if I don't want to lug all the big chairs).  We've got them cut, sanded, and I just did some work with the dremel to put pretty designs into the wood before painting and staining. Well, I went to do the lines with a paint pen on the one for Lux, and the paint exploded out, all over the wood, seeping in and staining it. A freak out later, and my dad was giving me some sandpaper to see if I could sand just the paint off.  It worked a bit, but I could still see it there.  Big blobs of blue, standing out and screaming at me how terrible they looked on something meant to be taken out in public. Then my father looked at it, and said he couldn't really notice it that much, and once we got a good coat of stain on it, it would look good. I sent a pictur

The holidays are never really a happy joyous time for me.  They often just act as a reminder of how unbalanced things are with my parents, and a cultivator of stress. This year is acting as no exception. My mother decided that me making gifts is cheaper than buying them so for three weeks I did nothing but crochet, when I had my own things to work on.  My hands got to the point where they ached, but my constantly throwing finished products at my mother had her more or less off my back.  My father however thinks that I just look at yarn and it magically transforms though, so he's constantly trying to get me to do things that would honestly just create more work than help. I've taken over most of the holiday preparations as a whole.  I'm currently in the midst of the cookiepocalypse, and losing even more time to work on my own things. Really lately I find that I'm so busy working on things for my family while being dragged down by them, that I'm losing myself

I've mentioned previously that Lux and I had started accepting the accidental dynamic that fell into place between us.  It's only been a step at a time, and carefully at that, knowing that he is still off kilter from his last relationship, and all the shit I dealt with while with Thrax.  We've had no real problems thus far, making sure to take care of each other along the way, and maintaining a good balance. In person, it's smooth.  Like a well oiled machine, it just works.  Lux is often the one to feel off at points, and with plenty of snuggles and reassurance, we're both back to a happy exchange. When we're apart (which has been more often than not lately) we text through the day, and occasionally, the exchange becomes more apparent between us.  He refers to me as his slave (and that possessiveness honestly makes me just want to snuggle in with him and squee) and I call him master in response, because he does make me feel all safe and content.  I feel at p

As it is Thanksgiving, I thought today should be spent doing the obligatory post of everything the I am thankful for. Positivity: I have far more positive influence in my life than I think I ever have.  I have this mix of people who have been around forever, people who have only grown close in the last couple years, and people who are newer to my life that encourage me and show such affection and love. Dance: I am grateful for the ability to dance, and the fantastic experience it brings.  Being able to teach and spread what is essentially a language of movements, as well as being able to shake my ass around while cleaning, or spending time on stage, it has helped me build more body confidence, and be healthy. Beast: The little beast teaches me so much, and truly is a little ball of squishy love.  She's at the age now where we actually discuss philosophy, and it's done with a clean slate of someone who hasn't been influenced by random things they hear.  She gives me th

Lately I've been thinking over different ways I could be happy.  Things I enjoy, and how I feel most content. I remember hanging out with Zero, when I was only about fourteen, and telling him that I don't really want someone to do everything for me, and I would much rather take care of someone else. Well, you know, the more things change, the more they stay the same. I enjoy doing for people, which I explained in very early in this blog.  I show affection and care through service, and enjoy doing all the little things for people, to take a bit of weight off their shoulders, and so that they know they don't need to do for me. This carries over to power exchange for me I find.  On either side, I look into ways to take care of those I share a dynamic with.  Which is difficult to explain when I have a dominant role, or at least less common, but gives me a comfy spot into some form of domestic servitude. I enjoy taking care of a home.  I enjoy feeding people, and creat

With the holidays coming up, things have been hectic at home.  So, a more vanilla update of things going on. I've basically taken over the majority of the work for the holidays.  I'm planning the large meals, and organizing shopping lists and making sure we have everything.  I've made my plan for the cookiepocalypse, and have been put in charge of all the baking, because about half the recipes are now my own which no one else knows.  My mother realized how quickly I can crochet, and so I'm making gifts for everyone. Then top off with everything I wanted to make for people otherwise, writing here, cleaning, and still teaching dance, I'm a bit busy lately. This is also paired up with long (for me) dry spells from sex, which has me feeling frazzled and cranky.  I notice it kicking in, and try to fight it, but it creeps into my mood regardless. I feel myself falling away from social media lately.  When I log on, I notice it's all just negativity and mindless

I spent last weekend up with Lux. We hadn't seen each other in three weeks, had no plans to go anywhere, and just wanted time to relax and reset with each other. I was supposed to be able to spend an extra couple of days there, but due to the gnome, I wouldn't have those days without the squish.  So just a normal length weekend for us then. On Friday, I rode up north with the squish, and then met with Lux for the second leg of the trip.  We wound up not being able to grab proper food on the ride, so a quick snack, and once we were done, we were molesting each other in the car, unable to wait until we got back to the apartment. When we did finally get back, we began the near constant fucking, and mission to break in all the areas of the apartment that we didn't get to last time.  Which included a giggly failed attempt at fucking in his super tiny shower.  During the small windows of time we weren't having sex, we were often snuggled up close on the couch, enjoying

Today. It's been ten years today, and it hurts like it just happened even still. A full decade since one of the closest people I've ever had in my life killed himself.  The anniversary of his death is still a bad day for me every year, and I'll likely sleep with the doll he made me again, just like I do every year to have some part of him near me. He was actually my sister's friend first, but as he was around longer, he shifted to being more my friend than hers.  He wasn't just getting stoned with me like he would with her, but going on adventures, and discussing abstract topics and literature.  We barely hugged, but the way we simply acted like we'd never be apart spoke of our care for each other. Across the street from him were some mutual friends we would hang out with most days.  He pretty much lived there rather than with his dad, and we all did pretty much everything together. On the weekends we would play lasertag and sing karaoke.  Yes.  In the