A New Devious Chapter

I remember for a long time there was this hunt in the kink space for female bottoms to find the perfect smudgey makeup.  Something that would creep down the face, leaving trails and big black patches when their eyes watered.  It was a huge thing, and I remember seeing people celebrate it when they found just the right products. And then there was me.  Someone who performed on stages, and in direct sunlight, and wanted makeup to stand up to all the sweat, heat, and time.  I've found quite a pile of products over time, and while I have some reliable ones I stick to for years, every once in a while I try something new. This time, I saw a blue liquid eyeliner that claimed to be waterproof.  Knowing how most colored liners are horrible, and disappear quickly, I was curious, but grabbed it. I brought it home, and looked it up, and it claims to be semi-permanent. Not just long-lasting, but semi-permanent.  I have to say, I got a little worried at that....

So, we decided against Winterfire this year.  Lux was destroyed by work, and needed to take time off the week before, and it was a lot of extra time and money to worry about, so we figured it would be best to skip it.   And while I didn't feel any sense of loss by not going, I did feel like I wished I could have done more with the long weekend than I did.  I relaxed, and caught up on a couple things, but didn't really feel super productive.  I know I don't need to be constantly doing, but this just seemed like time I should have been taking advantage of. However, we have decided on doing Pax, and seeing a bunch of friends there.  It's my first time there, and while I have wanted to go to this show for a long time, I'm a bit nervous with how big it's apparently gotten.  I don't know how this event works, and it's a little disorienting going into the prep so short notice. I've been pestering Lux with silly things, and while he's telling ...

It's been about a month now, but there have been other things I've wanted to talk about in the meantime here before writing about this particular moment. Lux sent me a link to a Reddit post, saying there was something attractive about what was behind it.  I checked it out quickly, because he very rarely sends me things like this that aren't just giggly porn.  The post was a short video, mentioning training someone, and a small video with a gesture that is sometimes shown being taught to pets.  And I immediately could tell what he liked about it, and I liked it too, in a very lighthearted way.  It wasn't taking choice away from anyone.  They were still free to express themselves, but had that moment of handing over control. It's the sort of thing Lux and I both talk about often.  That we never want to feel like there is a lack of voice, or any loss of self.  That we are people at our core, complex and unique.  He doesn't want to take that awa...

Lux and I threw around the idea of going to Winterfire, with a lot to talk about.  We were unsure about timing, and how we would want to travel, and a big pile of things.  Those were easy enough to figure out, but he brought up something that was causing him a little anxiety. He didn't want me to have the same reaction as when we were at Fusion, knowing he would be pulled around to spend time with his other partners.  Even when I told him that I would have people there to spend time with, he was unsure, acting like he didn't even want to risk the chance of it. And, I had a lot of reactions, although I don't think he realized it. Fusion taught me to speak up as soon as something is wrong, and not to let it sit until it's a problem that overflows. It taught me that having needs doesn't make me a bad partner, because I've spent so long having to be ok with everything, and in every situation, in order to make partners happy about how little space I take up. ...

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The holidays are officially done and over with for a bit now here.  We get the extra bonus of a week of birthdays just after the new year, which makes the season of stress just a tiny bit longer. I've been trying to juggle all the tiny things I want to do, which also includes small tasks popping into my head.  It's kept me busy, but at the same time I'm doing a lot of these things just for me.  Lots of the things I'm taking on are things I've either neglected or not thought of, and I notice each one makes me feel a little better. Admittedly, I know I said that there needed to be work towards not having to constantly do, but by having the chance to do these little things, and keep myself organized, it is helping me a lot.  I'm moving out of routine, and doing more of the things that I know make me happy. I'm dancing more, and having more music on.  I'm studying random things, and trying to consume more books.  I'm looking forward to the coming w...

I have no idea what brought it into my head.  Strange moments of feeling off in my mind, bringing things up from long ago, and noticing how my mind has changed. Out of nowhere, I remembered being out with the gnome.  Before he and I had even started dating, walking through South Street in Philly.  Passing by a store, and seeing a choker in particular design I had wanted for a while at the time.  I remembered pointing it out, and when he asked about the one I wore every day, I mentioned it was one I liked, but wasn't the exact type I wanted, and had been given to me by an ex. He responded by taking the one I was wearing off, throwing it in the trash, and going into the store and buying the new one.  At the time I was still a teenager, and wasn't entirely aware of everything behind this act.  I thought him hopping on me mentioning something I had really wanted was endearing, because usually the things I make a point to say are something I have wanted a...