A New Devious Chapter

Recently, the game Catherine has been stuck in my head.  It's something that covers the idea of relationships in modern Japanese culture, communication, and morality. The game flat out asks your opinion at regular intervals on various subjects pertaining to relationships. And, I find that it becomes really hard to figure out how I would answer these questions, because they very much bank on the idea of monogamy.  That textbook cookie cutter relationship idea that is the standard in Japan. Even as a nerd, I have difficulties due to non-monogamy. Luckily, the game is being remade, and set to come out in the next year or so.  Maybe then it'll have more aspects of polyamoury in it, which I think will even add further complexities to the game overall. Either that or from now on I just need to tell everyone to fuck off in the game, because they're honestly all lying bitches. Yup, that sounds like the best idea. No bitches trying to corner me into what they want by l

I made the mistake of looking at an article on the internet. It talked about all the things that should happen in a healthy relationship, and, I found it angered me more than anything.  It made claims that were so unrealistic, I knew it would do more harm than good to the world. It talked about how when you have the right partner, there is no work, and you never disagree.  That you never get nervous or second guess yourself. All relationships take work.  Every single one of them.  Constant work, through good times, and through bad.  And in those bad times, while we process things, it's normal to worry about your partner and how they're doing, or what you can do to help.  It's going to be harder than others at some points, but it's never effortless. Not only that, but no two people are exactly the same in every way.  There's going to be some things people disagree on.  That's what makes us all unique and dynamic beings.  Looking at it and being open to di

Lux came down last weekend so we could have time together before he gets sent off for work again.  We hadn't seen each other in almost two months, and we didn't want to add at least another month to that. Needless to say, he and the pup got along well, and they snuggled a ton.  In fact, when he went to leave, Oliver tried to sit on his feet to keep him here.  They were adorable. We had a ton of stuff we wanted to do and talk about and all that.  Things to discuss for the year, and start plotting.  Of course, we did none of that.  We snuggled, and babbled, and took time to just not be doing.  Because in a way, that was what we needed. And I noticed, just how bad my mental space is.  I was with someone who brings me so much happiness, and I found very little peace just being there with him.  That I'd hit an almost numb state. Which just means working harder and doing more to break out of it. Shit to be done.  Happiness to make.

I've noticed more and more lately, that in the midst of my mind slowly getting back to normal I'm finally wanting play and kink again.  I want forceful play for the fun of it, and to enjoy the time with people.  I want more opportunity to do the things that bring me mental peace, and help me clear my head. And I notice that in the last few days, I want very possessive power exchange.  Less of the passive exchange we're used to, which is rarely brought up unless attached to an action.  More active emphasis on the dynamic, control, and ownership. It's rather unsurprising honestly.  I've been feeling rather alone lately, and barely having contact with others, or a positive influence.  In my day to day, I have several people telling me negative abusive things, and while I don't believe them, I don't have much if anything telling me otherwise. I'm craving something to make me feel wanted.  Something to make me feel like I make a positive impact, and lik

A while ago, I noticed a small dry spot on my eyelid.  It was weird, but stayed pretty small, and was barely noticeable.  I used moisturizer, and it seemed to keep it from getting worse.  Well, weeks later, another spot appeared, which was a bit more visible.  I kept going with forms of moisturizer, in hopes it would take care of it. Fast forward to about two weeks ago, my eyelid is red and patchy.  It's very obviously eczema.  On my eyelid.  Luckily, it's easily covered by makeup if I need to go out.   I wake up last weekend, and my right eye is swollen half closed.  The eczema is bright red, and has covered my entire eyelid.   Well, as if I needed something else to kick my dysmorphia up some more. I found out coconut oil is amazing for eczema, and safe on my eyes, and it's been helping, but still. I'm barely able to work out right now due to Oliver being here, and I have a cold.  Now, my eye is exploded. I spent the weekend wanting to curl up i

One more post on consent, because it has been an explosive topic here right now. With Lux and I being so close to a lot of the issues right now, we've been discussing a lot of the things going on.  A few days ago, we were discussing how many of these people aren't malicious in their abuse.  They aren't purposeful predators, and that while they need to acknowledge the things they do, leaving them completely abandoned doesn't do anything to help that.  We also discussed how every circle, and at any time in my life has been full of abusers, and rapists, and complete assholes. It made me bring up how often people would excuse away abusive behaviors years ago.  Sweep them under the rug in order to not make it a big deal.  Doing this was so normal, that we allowed minor toxic behaviors, and made everyone think these were perfectly ok.  And then those behaviors became acceptable, only to slowly roll along, with more and more of these things occuring, in different forms f

With Valentine's coming up soon, I'm finding collections of fancy lingerie all over the internet.  While I think it's silly, I do sometimes check them just out of curiosity for society is pushing as necessary and attractive. And, I don't like any of them. Once in a while I see a cute bra, but all in all, I don't really like any of them.  It's all very feminine and shaped for super thin people with giant tits and little natural curves.  It also all looks like it's uncomfortable, and would feel awkward. So, I looked up men's lingerie. In the beginning of course I saw silly elephant thongs, and weird suspender undies.  After just a little scrolling though, I found some really fantastic stuff.  Pieces that were cotton, but with cute cut-outs, or big supportive garters.  Mostly short cuts, which seemed less confusing to put on, and more comfortable to wear, without the risk of them all being devoured by my butt. If it weren't for the pouch on th

With everything going on, Lux and I have been talking about safety at events.  How we both agree that we don't feel safe at any kink event right now. Even he, as a very large top isn't safe.  And not only could he be targeted to have his consent violated, but have someone spread lies for whatever reason, and attack him in that way. And he is in a situation where because he is a big tall menfolk, and being kinda black, he can't do much to fight back. I mentioned that usually at events we tend to keep an eye on each other, and that's probably our safest option.  Because if someone tries something with me, and I can't get myself out of it, I know he'll be able to help. And if he's in a situation where he needs help, I have no problem stepping in and raising hell to whatever level he needs.  Where they can try to claim something about his size or being domly or whatever, they can't use that on me. Luckily, he appreciates the fact that I will pull

Welp, the east coast is exploding.  We have tons of people coming out of the woodwork, talking about tons of consent violations, and abusive behaviors, and how horrible every top ever is. But not about anyone fighting back. Just that some person was being bad, and without correction, they continued to be bad, and they're bad, and I don't want to talk to them. The problem with this, is that if you point it out, you get viewed many times as the villain.  You're victim blaming, and encouraging the abuser. Except, here's the thing.  This is everyone's responsibility. I've dealt with abuse for as long as I can remember.  I have memories of emotional abuse as far back as my daughter's age.  And I've been fighting to be treated as a person for that long. While I was with the gnome, having had no example of a healthy relationship, I took a lot more than I should have without speaking up.  I will fully admit that I encouraged those behaviors at that t

Last year my social life took a hard dive.  It absolutely caused part of crash in my mental state, and why I felt like I haven't even had fumes to run on for almost a year now for the most part. Such is the downside of being an extrovert. This year, I want to spend more time with lots of people.  I want to get them together for movies.  I want to bring people around and do lots of cooking, and gaming and casual things. I want to help create a space, no matter where we all are, where people can decompress and enjoy what's going on. I need to find opportunities for this more often. Sometimes, my being service oriented can't be denied in the slightest.

This week is made of a ton of birthdays, and marks the end of the holidays for us.  My brother, father, and Squishy all have birthdays this week, which makes for quite a busy week between dinners and celebrating. And from here, we actually slow things down for quite a while.  Most people finished their holidays weeks ago.  Not for us. However, this means I have more time and chances to spend time with friends, and make fun social plans, which is good to help my still horrible mental place.  This is how we get better.  Find the good in the now, and work toward things improving even more.

Lux the other day started joking that he wanted a harem of anime waifu.  I thought about how all harem anime tend to go, and pointed out a lot of problems.  And upon this, noticed how unhealthy of an example of poly most harem anime is. There's unhealthy amounts of competition, everyone fighting for attention, where the center of the harem is too oblivious generally to try and balance them all.  There is also usually either pressure from inside the group, or even an external force trying to make the protagonist choose one romantic interest. It both creates an idea of fantasy, as well as the pressures of our monogamist culture. While yes, I will continue to giggle at harem tropes, but appreciate healthy poly practices in real life.

Long before I was born, my older brother was attacked by a dog.  In an attempt to keep him from being afraid of dogs, my parents decided they needed to get one.  Back then, ads in the paper were still safe, and they found a "free to good home" which they responded to.  The owners had to move to a small apartment, and didn't have space for him. Well, no apartment would have been large enough for this dog, as he was a husky/malamute mix, and basically a big fluffy lion.  We found out the old owners were trainers, and when he saw my brother, licked him from feet to head, and walked over and sat at the door.  His name was Max, and he had picked us. We had him for a long time, through a move, and the first few years of my life.  He died of old age, and it broke all our hearts.  My parents couldn't stand having another dog, so we went without for a long time. Years later, my brother went through a bad break up, with a girl cheating on him and leaving without tell

I fell off my workout habit a lot over the holidays.  Being busy for everything going on made me start having excuses, and on the few weeks that I got good amounts of time in, holy shit I learned the difference it makes. It affects everything for me. My mental state, my body image, how I feel physically, it changes everything. So this last week, even with the snow and everyone being home, and everything going on, I've forced myself to get in at least a half hour.  No excuses, and making sure I build the habit back up. And I feel a world better.  I still feel very drained and in a shitty place, but nowhere near where I was last week, and noticing that I feel way better about the curves of my figure, and seeing how much and how quickly they change. I still need to see more people, and actually get some time to recharge, but this is a step in the right direction. And today we go see a pup that might just be coming home with us soon.  More on that later though.

It's another new year, and a good thing for it.  The last year has been hard for me, in a lot of ways.  I didn't do a lot of what I had wanted to, and it took my mental state which was already poor, and made it even worse. So this year, I want to focus on a lot of the things that make me happy. Learn to make things I enjoy that I don't have recipes for yet. Finish the coloring books I wanted to publish last year, and figure out a way to show more of my art to the world. Dance more, both publicly and in spare time. Spend time with the people I care about. Adventure more Find a way to feel healthy again, both physically and mentally We're also currently looking for a dog, which has me very excited.  I'm being very stern with myself to keep to the things we need out of it, while looking for the pup that chooses us as its family. I want this year to go well, and I want it to be far more positive.

Unsurprisingly, while Lux was streaming the other day, I was sending fun little things to him and our friends. At one point, in the middle of the raid they were on, while dying a few times, I sent a snarky thing to Lux.  When he found it, he made sure to tell everyone he was playing with, obviously just seeing it as our normal routine of behaviors, and treating it that way. Not having as much knowledge of us together, one of them comments "Is there some way you can punish and correct that behavior?  I'm sure between all of us, we could help bounce ideas and figure something out." Lux is quiet, as everyone giggles over both my comment, and in agreement of the correction. Meanwhile, far away from any microphones, I am laughing so hard my face hurts.  Something they'd probably all see as defiantly bratty, confident in the fact that people don't stop me from being me, and that includes my snarky troublemaking behavior. It was a small moment that act

Sometimes, Lux streams himself playing video games with his friends.  I get to giggle at silly things, sometimes help, and enjoy seeing and hearing from people. He always tells them, just in case someone pops onto the stream that we don't know, so they can censor any personal stuff.  Usually though, I'm the only one watching, and he tells them.  And in the cloud of folks saying hi, if there is someone new, I will hear a "What's a [Loki]?" And, last time, one of our friends just said "It's complicated" Lux was quick to correct him, but rather than letting Lux get to explaining, or simply asking for a title we use, said that. But, it's really only complicated if you only want to use titles that wouldn't apply.  There are many things that would work at this point and be perfectly acceptable. Long term partner Primary partner Submissive Best Friend All things that would work, but just don't hold stereotypical romantic relations

In the week of everything blowing up, my mom got a call from her brother for Channukah.  They caught up for a bit, and during that talk, he told her that he'd volunteered our house for a birthday party in April for both him and his twin brother.  Y'know, the physically abusive one, that I'd been promised I would never see again. You'd think given the promises made to me, and wanting to actually protect your own kid, my mom would have told him that my one uncle isn't welcome. You'd think. When I was told this, I brought that up.  My mother's response was simply "Well they decided." So, because they volunteered our house, and us to throw them a party, it doesn't matter that they're abusive apparently. I told her that I would find a way to be absent as soon as I found out the dates. She threw a huff, and said that Squishy was staying so she could see the one decent uncle. Except, I spoke to Squishy, and she repeated

I'm not sure if I've mentioned my pseudo nephew here, but know I've mentioned his parents.  His father was my brother's best friend literally since I was born, and his girlfriend has been around for over a decade. Their son, Red, is a couple years younger than Squishy, only being in first grade where she is in third. And, in the just over a year he's been in school, he's assaulted at least four kids.  Not just a small shove either.  The last one he smashed another kid's head into a bench. He's continually attacked Squishy, and destroyed her things, lying to us repeatedly about it afterward when we'd either seen it happen or his reasoning were things we knew couldn't happen. Some of their friends no longer allow their kids near him, because he attacks them so often. And you know what her response is? "Well, he's just a boy.  He's just like his dad.  He isn't violent at all." Are. You. Fucking. Kidding. Me.

With everything going on lately, I'm reminded of how careful we all need to be.  That no matter what side of what we're doing, there's a risk with every person we involve. And while there is a little more to worry about as a bottom, since it adds in the physical risk, so many things are shared. Both parties need to be responsive in the moment.  They need to be honest, and receptive, and unafraid to speak up at any point.  Limits need to be respected for everyone, and any aftercare necessary needs to happen, with both parties responsible for it. What's also important though, is honesty and clarity afterward.  I find that many bottoms want to look tough in the moment, and then cry out after.  The problem with this is that you never know which one is the truth. I'm reminded of the time someone accused Lux of beating them beyond their limit and walking away.  An accusation made of an event I was in the room for, which was an absolute lie, to the point where we b