A New Devious Chapter

As I've mentioned, I've been trying to take more pictures of myself to help with my dysmorphia.  One of the things I noticed with the new camera I'm using, is that it distorts images a bit, and I've been learning to work with it.  At one point I joked that since I had a camera that did some funky stuff, I should learn to take instagram butt pictures, and how to pose for them, and learn that I have a better butt than most of the butt models on there. Well, I did, because it seemed like something fun to do that day, and I thought it would be a good way to push myself.  And honestly, I didn't hate the pictures.  They didn't make me happy at all, but looking at them when I took them didn't make my skin crawl.  I decided to share them with Lux, because he would appreciate them. While he did, he also made comments about me taking pride in them, or showing off, or whatever.  And I know that was his brain trying to make the situation hot, but as he made those co

One of the biggest things I've noticed with how I've been feeling, is how active my dysmorphia is.  How little I want people to see me, and how that feeling of panic over having someone take my picture has returned. I had it to a point where it wasn't terrible for a while, but in the last year or so, it's gotten bad that even having people see me in public makes me anxious, not for how I dress or my hair or anything, but for my body itself. And, I can't live like that.  I try to keep my dysmorphia from actually stopping me doing anything, but the anxiety is still there, and no one can survive with that. So long story short, Lux did way too much for me, and now I have a far better way to take photos.  With this, I've decided that I need to not only take more photos of myself, but try to take interesting ones, and post more online. And I've been doing so. It's hard.  Like, really hard. Taking pictures of myself isn't the worst, but I get ni

Tonight starts the Jewish new year, and honestly, it couldn't be better timed.  I've been thinking a lot about my mental state, and how I want to give myself the kick in the ass for more positive thoughts and processes.  Making steps to work towards it, and push myself away from things that I know will only perpetuate the negative brain space. It's convenient in a way.  I get to claim an extra new year.  An extra time to start over.  That landmark we all use to decide that it's the time to grow as people, and make ourselves better. And, I'm not using this on purpose, but it is amusing how that timing worked out. So, go have apples and honey.  Go tell people you care about them, and go figure out something you can do to better yourself.

I'm pretty sure I mentioned recently, that my parents were going to be out of town earlier this week.  Well, Lux didn't make it down for the visit to take advantage of the time, but I did what I could to make the most of it, which I'll discuss in the coming weeks. I did however, try to get as much done every day as I could, which included going out of my way to take care of the house however I could anticipate.  Squishy even commented on how much she liked the quiet of them being gone, and how involved she felt in the day when she got home. My parents called, and were talking to Squishy as they were on the way home.  She was talking about all the things we had done, and my mom asked why I was so much nicer when they were gone. When the call ended, Squishy repeated it all, as kids do, and I pointed out that it's a lot easier to be in a good mood, and do more, and go out of the way to do things when I don't have two people spending every day telling me I

I remember when I first started really getting into the scene, long long ago, all the domly doms wanted to be called "Sir".  It was the standard honorific for dynamics, and super commonplace.  We put emphasis on these super serious committed and collared exchanges, like it was the ideal dynamic. And now, fast forward to the last year or so, and I notice things are very different.  Now, more often than not, I hear everyone using "Daddy" instead.  It's become likely the most common title for domly doms that I see and hear. It makes me think about why I don't use it with Lux.  On top of it not feeling correct for our dynamic given our sort of power exchange, I've been exploring my own personal issues with the term. Daddy feels very superficial.  Like a title of impermanence, that places very circumstantial power.  It feels fleeting, and far less committed, much like how vanilla dating and relationships have become.  To make these very surface connecti

Lately, I've been thinking about my brainspace.  Why exactly I've hit this point that I have, where my mental state is as poor as it has been. And one of the biggest thing I think about is all the things I can't seem to pick up, which I know bring me some sort of positivity.  How I put down so many things that I had made growth with.  How slowly, over time, I've curled up in this ball of horrible cycles, negative thoughts, and complacency. It took me far too long to realize that while I'm in a shitty state for many many reasons, I haven't done enough to make it better. I haven't done enough to create change. And change won't happen in my mind, growth won't occur, and I won't get out of this dark little ball unless I make it happen. Time to kick myself in the ass, and make some change.

There was a good amount of traveling over the summer, which inspired a lot of writing, and kept everyday life off of this blog for a bit. Welp, we've had a lot of everyday life going on, and a bit less adventure, so it's time for a general update. Squishy has started a new school, which starts an hour earlier than her old one.  It means a change in morning routine for she and I, and it's been going fairly well, but is still not the easiest yet.  Overall, she's enjoying the new school, and getting to meet new kids, which is great news. I am rebuilding a project I had made for Dansa earlier this year.  It didn't fit as intended, so I tore half of it apart, and I'm fixing it to fit differently with the rest of the yarn she had given me a while back.  Hopefully I have enough yarn with the changes. My parents are going out of town to visit a friend next weekend, which means a bit of a mess while I keep reminding them of everything to do in the short amount of