A New Devious Chapter

Lux and I made it to Pax and home again, after a lot of difficult obstacles and things.  I've even managed to get through my first one without catching any sort of pax flu, despite how common it is for everyone to catch. Mostly, we were there to spend time with friends.  It was a good social time, even if a reminder of how I am far more extroverted than everyone else.  There were also reminders that how Lux and I work is far more subtle and unique than the other dynamics often around us.  It often makes me happy that people don't quite get how we work.  Like a reminder that we really have made something that just fits us. However, it was my first pax, and it was a really interesting sort of event.  I don't think this year was as busy as intended due to corvid, but there were so many fantastic cosplays, and still plenty of lines.  I saw a ton of smaller titles that caught my interest, and had a bunch of tabletop games brought back to the front of my mind that I had wa

About a week ago I went onto Facebook. At the top of my feed, was a picture memory.  A photo of a shoot I had done to help a photographer in the area who was starting a new project.  I was in some amount of dance stuff, and I saw how my body has changed over the years, and how I presented my body. And yes, my body has changed.  I some ways that I'm both happy, and unhappy with, even without my dysmorphia speaking for me.  I also present myself a bit differently.  And I noticed that as I went into all my old pictures.  Looking at the things I had changed that I thought I needed to do differently in order feel more put together. I noticed, looking at those pictures, exactly what I was trying to change about my body when I made that change, and wondered if I was helping or hindering with what I had done.  Was I making the change in my body more noticeable, or was I actually avoiding the look that I feared due to my dysmorphia. The thoughts and concepts spun in my head, but not

I remember for a long time there was this hunt in the kink space for female bottoms to find the perfect smudgey makeup.  Something that would creep down the face, leaving trails and big black patches when their eyes watered.  It was a huge thing, and I remember seeing people celebrate it when they found just the right products. And then there was me.  Someone who performed on stages, and in direct sunlight, and wanted makeup to stand up to all the sweat, heat, and time.  I've found quite a pile of products over time, and while I have some reliable ones I stick to for years, every once in a while I try something new. This time, I saw a blue liquid eyeliner that claimed to be waterproof.  Knowing how most colored liners are horrible, and disappear quickly, I was curious, but grabbed it. I brought it home, and looked it up, and it claims to be semi-permanent. Not just long-lasting, but semi-permanent.  I have to say, I got a little worried at that.  Worried that this would be

So, we decided against Winterfire this year.  Lux was destroyed by work, and needed to take time off the week before, and it was a lot of extra time and money to worry about, so we figured it would be best to skip it.   And while I didn't feel any sense of loss by not going, I did feel like I wished I could have done more with the long weekend than I did.  I relaxed, and caught up on a couple things, but didn't really feel super productive.  I know I don't need to be constantly doing, but this just seemed like time I should have been taking advantage of. However, we have decided on doing Pax, and seeing a bunch of friends there.  It's my first time there, and while I have wanted to go to this show for a long time, I'm a bit nervous with how big it's apparently gotten.  I don't know how this event works, and it's a little disorienting going into the prep so short notice. I've been pestering Lux with silly things, and while he's telling

It's been about a month now, but there have been other things I've wanted to talk about in the meantime here before writing about this particular moment. Lux sent me a link to a Reddit post, saying there was something attractive about what was behind it.  I checked it out quickly, because he very rarely sends me things like this that aren't just giggly porn.  The post was a short video, mentioning training someone, and a small video with a gesture that is sometimes shown being taught to pets.  And I immediately could tell what he liked about it, and I liked it too, in a very lighthearted way.  It wasn't taking choice away from anyone.  They were still free to express themselves, but had that moment of handing over control. It's the sort of thing Lux and I both talk about often.  That we never want to feel like there is a lack of voice, or any loss of self.  That we are people at our core, complex and unique.  He doesn't want to take that away, and doesn

Lux and I threw around the idea of going to Winterfire, with a lot to talk about.  We were unsure about timing, and how we would want to travel, and a big pile of things.  Those were easy enough to figure out, but he brought up something that was causing him a little anxiety. He didn't want me to have the same reaction as when we were at Fusion, knowing he would be pulled around to spend time with his other partners.  Even when I told him that I would have people there to spend time with, he was unsure, acting like he didn't even want to risk the chance of it. And, I had a lot of reactions, although I don't think he realized it. Fusion taught me to speak up as soon as something is wrong, and not to let it sit until it's a problem that overflows. It taught me that having needs doesn't make me a bad partner, because I've spent so long having to be ok with everything, and in every situation, in order to make partners happy about how little space I take up.

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.