A New Devious Chapter

While this wasn't the easy, joyous trip I may have wanted, there was still a lot of good from it.  Time with the people I care about, trying to build and rebuild connection.  Time to be silly, and get things done.  Trying new things, and helping make experiences. And that means that coming home, without the knowledge of when I'll see any of them again, came with some drop.  Which meant a couple of days of feeling like I just couldn't get into routine again.  Didn't want to do the things I knew I should, and forcing myself, only because I knew it would mean I would be swamped if I didn't. Along with that, we're trying to get Squishy ready for school again, and she isn't doing the best with things.  It's creating even more stress and anxiety for me, which compounds with drop.  To top it off, my parents went right back to abusive gaslighting tactics with me, and within 48 hours of being home, threatened to kick me out. I'm trying to get back to

The rest of my time down with Kitty was a project.  Pyre is back down with him, sort of.  Lux helped move her back down, which meant getting some time with him, even if it was a short bit of time.  I would have liked to get some more time with him in, but he is digging out of his own life to get things managed, so I'm hoping we get time soon, but wasn't going to push. At the same time, Kitty was trying to deal with Fox leaving for some number of months.  Not just with the emotional aspect, but the mess that was the packing and prep process.  It was a long stressful situation that had Kitty running beyond fumes, and then the days afterward left him very not ok. It was hard, because half of my time there he really didn't have the spoons for me to be there.  It wasn't until the last day or so of my visit that he was prepared to actually have time with me, or contact, or anything.  There was this long period where I wanted nothing more than to help him, or try to make t

It's been a strange trip so far. Fox is off for work, leaving for three to six months.  Kitty is sad about it, overly stressed, and sort of letting himself wallow.  Pyre is going to help him, but I'm wondering how much that will do for him with how much he is fighting everything. Kitty also needs to check his privilege.  On more than a few occasions over the last week or so, he's responded to things with some manner of mansplaining, treating me like I'm an idiot, or simply not being aware that I didn't grow up with an affluent, intelligent family.  He's starting to try and argue with everyone on how to do things, and not just with me, but with Lux when he was here as well.  It's hard.  Because I do love him, and I know how he can be, but he's lost so much of himself trying to just be his career, and do what society defines success as, that it'll be really hard for him to dig out a sense of self that isn't so tied into societal competition a

It's the last real block of time I have this summer before Squishy starts school again.  While a few people had taken off time in the window of what summercamp would have been, since I generally can't be at that event, I didn't feel offput by the lack of opening in everyone else's schedules.  However, I did find out that Kitty had a week off during the time that I would be able to adventure. So, I tried for the longest visit yet this year, and Pyre came to pick me up.  I spent the weekend with her, and got to see Lux for a short period, but for the first time since Pax.  I however, got no sleep, because Pyre's kitten somehow got swapped for a shit gremlin, and so she kept us up for two nights.  It meant that shortly after getting unpacked upon getting to Kitty's, I promptly passed out like the dead. And now, we get to enjoy a fairly quiet week with it just being the two of us during the day, even if dealing with some major life things.  It will be benefici

After returning home from my last trip to see Kitty, in the middle of drop I noticed my brain wandering a few different things.  It started with how my parents, and my siblings think of the pandemic.  Legitimately thinking it's some sort of political hoax, and while following the rules they absolutely have to, thinking it's all one giant lie.  That near the election everything will magically clear up in some attempt to sway the votes. Yea, I know. I thought about the bubble I've made with my polycule.  How even though I am staying home between visits to track if any symptoms arise in the house, and not adding extra sources of exposure, I'm still traveling to another state to see the people I have made a bubble with. And that risk is constantly calculated.  Every time I decide to have a visit, it is in a mindset of making sure it's done in a way to keep others safe.  Yet, I woke up one morning feeling guilty.  Guilty that I was just as bad as my relatives w

Almost two weeks ago, the big storm hit here.  Technically, I don't think it was a hurricane by the time it was here, but there were definitely winds enough count as one. We hunkered in, knowing this particular storm would be short.  It didn't look like it would be too harsh, breaking land well before getting to us, and hopefully dispersing into a less violent event. And by about noon that day, we were out of power.  I told everyone when the lights started heavily flickering, so they would hopefully understand that I may go silent soon after.  When the power went, the cell towers also became unreliable at best.  By that evening my parents could barely get calls to my siblings so we could all check on each other. Because of this, I was unable to actually get a hold of people to let them know I was ok.  Up to the first night, I didn't feel too badly.  Upon waking up the next day, still with no power to be found, I started feeling worse.  At that point it was a good whil

Coming out of the most recent trip to Kitty's there's been an odd swirl of feelings.  Some of which I've already spoken about, but others I've had to take time to process through. Once I had a day home without any of my polycule present, drop started to hit like a brick.  I was exhausted, and doing anything for the first day or so was a project.  Squishy wasn't being easy to deal with, and that certainly didn't help as the I trudged my way through a few days. I wasn't dealing with the usual symptoms though that also accompany that mental state.  I was anxious over not knowing what would happen in the next few weeks.  Overthinking the options that depended on others, possibilities for when Squishy goes back to school, and a thousand other things.  Enough that would overwhelm most, but instead all of gave me a sense of anticipation.  Wanting to know what would happen, and feeling a bit like spinning wheels, but enough possibility for good that it wasn'