A New Devious Chapter

 Finally, we hit the end of the holidays here.  All the birthdays are done, and big obligations.  Sure, we still have things coming up, but they're smaller, and don't require actual work.  I'm looking forward to the little things that those involve, and just getting to have fun. Squishy had some friends over for her birthday.  They both live right down the road, and while as loud as you would expect three young barely teens to be, they're good kids.  I'm glad she's made some better friends than she had, and has settled into the middle school fairly well.  I've unfortunately had to have words with my mom a few times about them though, because she keeps insisting that they're all girls despite being told otherwise multiple times.  It's irritating, and I try to be extra attentive of my language with them to help them all feel better. The weekend after, I went out to Philly for Puppy's birthday, because apparently I'm never allowed to find people

 A few years ago, I tried to do some things that I'd previously only had poor experiences with.  To reframe them under more positive circumstances, and give myself the chance to change my mind clearly. And with the things that have happened in the last year, I think I'm due for another year of that again.  To ignore my past experiences, because of the way that would sway my feelings.  That might be a big part of it honestly.  I need to let myself feel again, in regards to a lot of things.  More often than not, I pride myself on being as logical as I am, but it's hit a point where it becomes a deterrent.   There have been so many times lately where I have used logic to not even let myself try something, or force a wall into place, so I only feel in a small little safe range, which is beneficial for no one.  I cut myself off from learning and exploring, or cause myself anxiety in the process.   I need to remember to let emotion and logic work alongside each other, to try old

 Sure, we may be past the new year, but the holidays aren't quite done yet, like every year for me.   This year got an extra bonus though, with so many people acting like the pandemic is over, I felt like multiple times a day the week before Christmas I saw friends announcing they were covid positive.  Two days before Christmas, my sister told us she was exposed, and we had to tell her multiple times that she wasn't to come over on Christmas day, and we would deliver her food and gifts.  On the same day, the gnome's family tested positive, and so he couldn't take her for her break.  I had already made plans with Puppy, so last minute I needed to shift things around and ask my parents to spend the time with her.  Honestly, this wound up making everyone happy, so somehow it worked out for the better. Christmas wound up quiet, and about like normal.  Puppy showed up a little early, and that let us wind up back in Philly that evening, to have the longest window of time we&#

 Coming into this year, I'm trying to be realistic about a lot of things.  I want to do more, don't get me wrong, but I also want to be aware of the state of the world and what can be done safely. Most importantly, I want to work on the things I can control, and that's me. I want to hold myself accountable for things, in a way that builds positivity, and doesn't feel like something that will sink into guilt over time. Likewise, I want to do more of the things that I know will benefit me in the long run.  Seeing people, making space for others, forming connections, and loving freely, and maybe not entirely logically all the time. I'm creating a project to help myself learn to be more body-neutral, and maybe by the end of the year body-positive.  I want to force myself to take a selfie every day, for at least this month, and at least one a week has to be some form of nude.  I want to play with creativity, so I'm not taking the same photo every time.  I want at lea

 I want to end this year with something that I've been thinking about a lot lately.  Especially with what I spoke about last time in regards to Felix, I've been doing a lot of contemplating on the concepts of relationship anarchy. Realistically, this is something I've been doing for years.  Just in having the dynamic I do with Lux, where we are happily cultivating our own sort of relationship, without the usual expectations and steps like cohabitation and the like.  We've instead focused on doing what's healthiest for us both, so that we can be sure that whatever we're doing is best for us in the long run. I love unique relationships.  Things that are free of the normal ideas of how partnership is shaped, and instead created based on the needs and resources of those involved.  I love letting things shape themselves organically, without putting someone into a pre-labeled box. When everyone knows they have their own form of relationship, it helps create a space fr

 Last month had that one week of the year where I keep losing people.  The anniversary of Frankie, and numerous others. And while I was doing my rewatch of Buffy, I got to the musical episode.  Something I had been looking forward to from the moment I decided to do the rewatch.  It didn't quite work as intended though.  What started off as me singing along loudly, quickly turned into a thought spiral.   Last year, Felix passed away.  Right in the beginning of the pandemic, when it was one thing and another, without the time to process any of it.  And as much as I made some comments about him when it would come up in conversation, I never really took the time to sit with losing him.  Suddenly, I was singing along to something he and I shared together.  We would randomly full songs together, had plans to do with that episode, and felt true joy when singing together.  And in a moment, I went to gleeful, to confronting the fact that I would never sing any of it with him again.  That al

 About a month ago now, I finally had some time to have Zero over for the birthday fire we had planned to have in the summer.  It wound up being a long evening with him and his spouse, who no one is terribly fond of.   And every time I see him lately, I realize more and more how little growth he's done. He's on medical marijuana now, and claiming it's made him all better.  But he's still not doing anything he knows he should until he's told that he has to.  It's made it not so he has an urge to do better, but made him happy with complacency.  He traded drinking as a coping mechanism with one a doctor told him was ok, and telling himself that it's fixed everything. I also took the time to look at his relationship.  His spouse has only become more and more of an empty human.  She has zero interests that aren't ones he had first, and all of those are things she barely touches.  To top it off, anything she does she has minimal skill with, but thinks she'