A New Devious Chapter

A couple weeks ago, Puppy came to spend a weekend here.  I suggested he stay here because of some changes to his living situation, that might make some of what we had planned a little more difficult.  It also gave us a chance to do more things around here, because he's rather clueless to the area since moving away, as both his parents don't really have interest in going to do things. What we did have planned though, was starting the D&D campaign he's running.  I  still feel a bit awkward being part of the game, because the rest of the players are all his brothers and their spouses.  I'm also the person with the most experience, so it's a bit of a process to make sure I'm not just taking over anything going on. It's also the first time seeing Puppy since really mentally processing not having feels for him.  I'm sort of trying to guide things so he understands where I'm at without being so blunt it fucks him up.  It's also a process to navigate

 I was sitting in another room one morning in the beginning of the month, having my coffee, and getting myself sorted for the day.  There wasn't anything on in the room I was in, so I could hear everything else going on in the house, and noticed my father mention my mom getting cards for Valentine's Day.  She said she only got a card for him, and didn't get anything for anyone else this year. And then it started.  He was suddenly super concerned over who was going to get me something this year, asking if it would be Lux.  My mother, in the most condescending tone, commented that he's never gotten me anything for Valentine's ever.  My father was surprised, then asked if Puppy would get me anything.  She said that I wasn't dating Puppy, and they started on about how he seems like he's trying. Then it turned into them saying that he's already done more for me than Lux ever has, and started a huge shitfest on saying that I'm being strung along, and just

 As one would imagine, and with what I've mentioned, I have a lot that I'm juggling to get prepared, or to get caught up on how I prefer to be.  With all of it, I picked up a new planner, that way I can keep track of everything I want to do each month, and week, while making notes on what gets done every day.  I'm managing to keep up, and even get ahead on things conceptually, but it's still a lot. And unfortunately, because my parents don't see me as people, my mother has piled a handful of additional things onto me.  Little dumb things she's demanding I prioritize, due to her dismissing anything I might actually be doing with my time.  Yet more things to juggle into the mix. As if that wasn't enough, the other day she said she wanted to make bread, and asked me to pull down the bread machine.  I asked her about the yeast we have, because I bought it for her at the beginning of the pandemic.  We still had a ton, because I bought a full pound of yeast, so I

 In the midst of everything that I'm juggling (which had more piled onto it) I had a day of a ton of running around recently.  Picking up things for my mother demanding my time, as well as some grocery store stops to get stocked back up on many things.  While out, we decided to get lunch, which had a silly moment where I thought I wouldn't get what I'd ordered, then wound up getting it with extras. On the way from lunch to the next store however, I had something click in my head.  Something that finally made sense after contributing to the anxiety I've been dealing with for the last month.  I don't have feels for Puppy.  I want to keep him around as a friend, but there's more pressure from many angles that I should have feels for him that made me so anxious.  He's not so gently pushing for me to say we have a serious relationship, and other people are waiting for me to say there's something official.  Not to mention that I don't think he's in a s

 The beginning of this year was tough for me.  I made sure to be fairly ahead on everything coming into the holidays, but only had a small buffer as we rolled into the new year.  That meant having to work with everything I have my hands in to ensure I could keep the space I prefer to.  It lead to me feeling very overwhelmed and anxious about everything I was doing, and everything new that I wanted to take on in the coming year, especially when also juggling the mental aspects of what has been going on. It's difficult sometimes, knowing that once I do get ahead, I will have the time for everything I want to do, including all the projects I intend to take on.  And I know I try to keep a larger buffer for everything than most people, considering I've been trying to have things finished through all of winter by the end of this month.  But getting there when I had used up all my previous work is tough, and I don't want to be constantly trying to keep everything afloat and barely

 Finally, we hit the end of the holidays here.  All the birthdays are done, and big obligations.  Sure, we still have things coming up, but they're smaller, and don't require actual work.  I'm looking forward to the little things that those involve, and just getting to have fun. Squishy had some friends over for her birthday.  They both live right down the road, and while as loud as you would expect three young barely teens to be, they're good kids.  I'm glad she's made some better friends than she had, and has settled into the middle school fairly well.  I've unfortunately had to have words with my mom a few times about them though, because she keeps insisting that they're all girls despite being told otherwise multiple times.  It's irritating, and I try to be extra attentive of my language with them to help them all feel better. The weekend after, I went out to Philly for Puppy's birthday, because apparently I'm never allowed to find people

 A few years ago, I tried to do some things that I'd previously only had poor experiences with.  To reframe them under more positive circumstances, and give myself the chance to change my mind clearly. And with the things that have happened in the last year, I think I'm due for another year of that again.  To ignore my past experiences, because of the way that would sway my feelings.  That might be a big part of it honestly.  I need to let myself feel again, in regards to a lot of things.  More often than not, I pride myself on being as logical as I am, but it's hit a point where it becomes a deterrent.   There have been so many times lately where I have used logic to not even let myself try something, or force a wall into place, so I only feel in a small little safe range, which is beneficial for no one.  I cut myself off from learning and exploring, or cause myself anxiety in the process.   I need to remember to let emotion and logic work alongside each other, to try old