A New Devious Chapter

Everyone was all over the place last weekend.  With the holiday, so many things were banking on the extra time to throw events. I however, live on the shore, and frequently avoid leaving the house over Memorial Day weekend because it's so insane here. Weeks ago, I decided to have a bonfire, and invited a ton of people.  One of which was a friend of mine and Lux's which was apparently having his birthday.  I offered to make him a cake, and he jumped on the opportunity. Lux however decided to take his new gear for a spin, going to a big SCA event to hit people.  I would have planned to go, but I had the beast for part of the weekend, which makes things like that difficult.  Which means even longer without a cute boy to snuggle.  Which sucks, but it saved him a lot of driving, and that's more important for him.  Give him more time to have fun out. Kitty was off to PDF, with it being his last burn before the move.  The day he left to head out, the movers were there packing

I was thinking the other day, of how Thrax was so vehemently against anything he deemed to be submissive.  This included things like doing favors for me, or even education in order to be safe during play.  He would refuse to do things like self tie while I would do the same in order to teach him basic single and double columns, because he would swear it made him submissive. And, really, this is just fear on his part.  As a switch, I've always been very aware that any act has the potential to be done with any side of power exchange, or with none at all.  Treating an act as though it can only be done one way, is going without looking at the possible fun in it.  Yes, there is an obvious top and bottom to any act (unless, you know, the same thing is being done to both, in cases of mutual violence, or molestation) but to say that an act inherently gives or takes control absolutely makes no sense.  Things like when I dig my hands into Lux, doesn't mean I'm in charge.  It's

Both of my last two relationships were incredibly emotionally, and at times somewhat physically abusive.  To be honest, it's something I've dealt with my entire life, and currently as well from my parents, but I'm focusing more on those last two relationships in this case.  And while a lot of it had a shitty effect on me, it's also helped me become a better partner I think.  I know the effects it has, and I don't want people to ever feel that way.  Fortunately, or unfortunately, I feel like you can't really be conscious of it all unless you've been through it. Things like balancing partners, and making them both feel cared about, even though it's something I've pretty much gotten used to, is something I still worry about and make sure I manage.  I know how it feels to be tossed aside just for the prospect of something new and shiny, or because someone has decided to stop giving a shit.  I hate the idea of ever doing that to a partner, and if I ever

Prior to this weekend with Lux, it had been a really long time with the absolute minimum affection, and time with partners.  I wanted sex of course, and snuggles, and just contact.  However, I found myself realizing I wanted very specific things. After the rope time with Kitty, I wanted connective, primal violence.  I wanted those endorphins, and contact, and sensation.  To be left tired, and feeling connected, my body overstimulated, and my mind floating in catharsis.  That rope just didn't do it, and it left me craving what would. I've wanted those quiet intimate evenings with my partners.  Time when Lux and I curl up mostly naked, playing video games and being silly.  With lots of sex breaks, and just being us and enjoying that.  Time with Kitty where we turn on a movie, and snuggle up, eventually making out like teenagers, and giggling more than anything else. There have been random nights where I've gone to bed and just wanted someone there to wrap myself around. 

Because I haven't been in a good mood for a while, and I get to see Lux tomorrow, I figured I would put down a collection of short little stories which make me giggle about him.  Some of those little moments that are just too funny not to keep around to tell when the timing is right. Background: So, Lux has giant schween.  Like, similar to, or larger than most porncock.  I generally don't mention this, because I care more about him than his genitals, but it apparently is something that brings about humor, so hooray. First, one of our favorite stories, from while I was living with Thrax.  It was just before the weekend that I was going to move out, and there wasn't much food in the apartment, because I did the shopping, and saw no point in filling the place with food if I was leaving in a couple more days.  The following exchange occurs: Thrax: Hey, is that sirloin still in the freezer?  Is it cool if I bring it out to PA? Me: Yea, but the filet in the fridge is defrosti

A while ago, the same friend that has been full of so many other issues posted to Tumblr about it's fine to live off fast food if you work because you might be tired, and cooking for a family is hard.  That there's no problem with living off it, and no one should have to cook to feed themselves after taking care of loved ones. Mind you, she, and her husband often have a completely empty house with no food when I stay there, live off junk food, and when she claims she's going to "cook" for a party or just to feed us there, it's a meatloaf.  Now, I have no problem with meatloaf, but that's all she makes.  Nothing else.  So we have small bowls of that, which are expected to keep us fed and happy for a weekend.  Oh, and if she makes breakfast, it's often bacon.  Yes, just bacon. This is how she feeds guests.  In incredibly small amounts, and just with meat.  I leave there and crave vegetables for days. And, she works from home.  There's no commute. 

It's been a little while since I got tied up with Kitty, and now that I can properly relfect on it, I can tell how it fits into the way I like to play. I'm not terribly patient when it comes to a lot of things, and play is one of them.  I know Kitty was trying to be very thorough about the harnesses he was putting me in, but sometimes I felt like I was just standing there as a mannequin rather than being played with.  I wanted to be doing something, not waiting for the next step in going in the air.  I've also talked about how play and sex in general for me is about who I'm with, and the connection and vibe therein.  Being in the air got rid of that chance, and made it so I couldn't do anything I wanted to, and not in a fun way, cause, well he doesn't control shit when it comes to me.  It created a desire to play rather than feeling sated.  I came down, curled up, and wanted to get beaten up, and to tear Kitty apart. I think, in the right mood, I could enjoy

Since getting back from my week with Kitty, I've been thinking about how that lack of time felt, and a more exact interpretation of what I do need to feel content and cared for with my partners.  Lux and I generally take quite a bit of time showing each other attention, so it goes well beyond what I need, and makes me often feel rather spoiled (which I am not one to complain about, nor do I take it for granted).  However, when with a partner who has several other partners who he is used to giving attention to, I need to be more aware of what exactly I need, so I can get what is necessary for me. I like being busy and taking care of a partner.  Being right there next to them while being social and working on stuff is fulfilling to me, but I think it's pretty normal to need breaks.  I need little moments where I get affection without prompting it.  It doesn't matter if it's a hug, or a grope, or whatever, but quick little moments are necessary a couple times a day, just

(Written on the train home) So, I'm currently dropping from some last minute cherry popping, but I'll get to that soon. I anticipated the week to be filled with a lot of time to myself, and plenty of snuggles in the evenings, with some play and adventures.  Lots of time utilized with Kitty on what will be likely the last time I'll see him before the move. The Saturday before Easter I managed to get in a couple hours with Lux.  He was in a messy mindspace, but we had some good snuggles and time together.  I didn't want him to leave, and wished that after a month without him, I could have the night, considering I have no idea when I'll see him again. Sunday was the long trek in the evening south, and by the time I got in, all there was time for was a quick tour, some hugs, and bed.  The rest of the week, unfortunately didn't go so well.  Instead of time snuggled up, I had to listen to Kitty and Fox argue about their wedding, and watch him with one of his othe

For the longest time my body had a sort of defence mechanism against my sex drive.  Because all of my partners showed no real interest or attraction toward me for whatever reason, after about a week without sex, my brain would kind of shut that part of itself down, and I wouldn't think about it.  It was better for my own mind to ignore that part of itself, because it wasn't like there were really options for me (for a multitude of reasons). Welp, having partners that actually match my sex drive (some of the time at least) has definitely proven how much showing interest is important for me.  It was about a month between seeing Lux or Kitty both, and while Kitty still sees me as an awkward teenager, Lux was very vocal about that timespan's affecting him as well.  Those regular expressions of desire made that month rather difficult, and the distance wasn't helping. And, it's not as if I didn't have opportunities with people over the course of that month.  To whic

I happen to be just outside of DC right now, and up until last week, it almost didn't happen.  Back when Kitty cancelled his visit due to a snowstorm, he said he would have me down here some time this month to make up for it.  Shortly after I suggested visiting over Squishy's spring break, because it would give me way more time.  We agreed, that was the best course of action. The trip in February went by, and we were both excited to already have the next visit lined up, anticipating more time together.  Except then I could barely get a hold of him. And we had never ironed out any details. Also, any time we made plans to talk, something came up, so there really was no chance to figure any of it out. It got to the point where I asked Lux if he would mind having me visit, because if Kitty was going to bail, I wanted time with him instead.  Not because he was second best, but because I didn't want to lose out on time with both boys, considering how little I get with them la

It's been a really weird week for interacting with old friends. I had a weekend with a couple of my oldest friends, catching up, and playing games.  This went well, and I'm glad that it happened.  I stayed up far later than I should have, but it was fun, and that's what matters. However, one of my friends who was causing issues last fall has been trying to get me up to visit.  And, recently, Felix's mother passed away, and they are having a get together to support him, and she's trying her damnedest to have me there.  To the point where she changed the date to work with my schedule.  The thing is though, I don't really want to be around her anymore.  The last half dozen times I've been there, while simply trying to keep up with conversation, she's reacted to what I say with complete irrationality, attacking me, telling I'm wrong, and horrible, predjudice, and a shitty person.  Everyone that I explain this to says that I deal with similar enough at

Kitty and I used to have a very interesting dynamic in our unacknowledged relationship.  Even though we never discussed it, we had this incredibly strong support structure for us both, and in an odd way, became this weird non-controlling form of d/s.  He at the time did a lot to take care of me, and I tried to do as much for him as I could while being an awkward teenager.  It really looked like this solid healthy and caring relationship that was very obviously with someone in their teens and early twenties.  We'd argue and be at each other's throats over something dumb, and then the next minute, we'd be working like a well oiled machine, acting as the other's hands, and snuggled up as soon as we were done, not needing an apology, but simply moving on from it. And now, things are different.  We've both grown as people, and magically, it's been in a similar enough way that we still just mesh right.  Then there's Lux and I as well, who have a still different d

While making out with Kitty when we were together last, he mentioned feels making his current situation difficult.  That he was used to how we felt about each other way back when, but now taking in his best friend, partner in crime, and a relationship that clocks in over a decade, as well as feels being far beyond what they were, it takes some processing.  And also, as he put it "that l-word we skirt around without really mentioning, but feeling", which I said that we've always told each other when it was needed, but neither one of us felt like we had the place to say it all the time. And then we did the math.  Six years since I'd said it, and longer since he had. There are very few people I've told that I loved since my mid teens.  Probably a half dozen, and rarely was I the first one to say it.  I wait until there's no chance of it being a crush, or a rebound, or any of that, and until that long term shine comes through.  And, I don't say it often.  N

It's been a few months, and after having time with my partners separately and together, I've learned a lot, and figured out many things in regards to how poly balances practically for me. Distance sucks, and even moreso with two partners.  They're both near the same distance from me, but one north, and the other south.  Which means that spending time with either of them is difficult, and they're both just out of convenient weekend visit range.  It's a lot easier to manage with boys as good as Lux and Kitty though.  Day to day I miss them both, and find myself wanting time with each of them, for reasons specific to who each one is, because I do get very different things from both of them.  However, I make sure to keep contact with them both, stay on top of what is going on, and support them as much as I possibly can. Lux texts regularly, but I need to square away phone dates with Kitty, which sometimes is easier said than done.  It's become much easier to give

Last weekend was one of those times when the world just gives you something amazing to let all the shit seem a little easier to deal with.  It started with more delay than any of us wanted, but holy fuck, it was fantastic.  Kitty and Lux got along well, and Fox is better than most of the past partners Kitty has had.  Whenever they were left alone for time to shower or whatever, there would frequently be giggling heard when I was done, or very comfortable and trusting conversation.  Also, within about a half hour of us being all together, Kitty and I both started laughing about the fact that we both have a type, and it becomes incredibly apparent when we have multiple partners in the same place.  Friday night, we had intended to stay in and play games.  Instead, we stayed in, got pizza and beer, and wound up just talking and being silly.  Lux went to bed around one in the morning, and then Kitty and I snuggled a bit, and we continued talking about a myriad of things.  I explained to t

I remember sitting in Kitty's old car.  We were at a gas station, heading out to go to one of his favorite places for dinner, as I told him about the insanity of my parents.  He looked me dead in the eye, and with that slight crack in his voice that happens when he gets into his protective mental panic, said "Y'know, I really am surprised you haven't started drinking or doing any drugs." I was 17 at the time, and just a few months after, my parents would force me to see a therapist because I demanded to be treated like a person, and with respect, and they saw that as "unruly and uncontrollable behavior".  The therapist said I was oddly clear headed and well adjusted for how badly they treated me, and once I turned 18, they didn't see me needing to go to them.  My mother said the therapist was a "waste of space, and did nothing", because I didn't turn into the moronic slave they treat me as though they want me to be. Needless to say, I

This weekend, I'll be spending time on adventures with Lux, Kitty, and meeting Fox, his primary, for the first time.  It'll also be the boy's first exposure to each other in person, and my first time being around both of them at once. Needless to say, I'm incredibly excited. However, this weekend has taken quite a bit of work to put together. Initially, we were all supposed to head up to Flea.  Lux has a bad taste for the event after the last two years though, and so we decided to take a break from it, and see if he misses it next year.  We however still wanted adventure together, especially given losing out on the time with Kitty, and the amount of time since I've seen Lux. Just deciding on the weekend was a project.  We had no real idea what to definitely do, so the weekend was in the air.  It wound up coming down to Fox's schedule, and then I had to get the gnome to watch the beast a different weekend, as I'd already planned for Flea.  That was diffic

The other day while on the phone with Kitty, we were discussing how I've never outwardly propositioned, or initiated anything with him.  I told him about how I'm constantly groping on Lux, and trying to get him out of his clothes as often as I can.  And, it's had me thinking since then about how differently I act around them both, and why.  Not that I'm any less myself with either of them, but how they act around me certainly brings out different traits in me. With Lux, he is incredibly forward with me, and while we do just snuggle a lot, the vast majority of the time, he's grabbing my ass, or pulling me against him, or having me suck his cock.  Because being this forward is the comfortable normal, I'm always doing similar to him.  Even with little cute affection, we are far and away more blatantly sexual with each other. Kitty on the other hand is very used to handling me when I was an awkward teenager.  We are constantly holding hands, and taking time for s

I saw a post on Tumblr the other day saying that no one finds people with physical "flaws" attractive.  That everyone only sees those with modelesque figures to be desireable, and anything other than perfection should be surgically taken care of, or altered. And, yes, there was a counterpost showing what most models look like when they aren't being photoshopped, but still, it was only these high fashion models being featured, and in pictures meant to make them look unattractive.  It didn't show at all how people who don't have the figure of an Adonis can be viewed as desirable.  Which, I have to say, both Lux and Kitty are two of the most beautiful men I've ever had in my life, and when I met each of them, they were both overweight, and far from what society deems as sexy in men.  However, Lux may still be overweight, but he has gorgeous curvy, long legs, and broad hips and shoulders that make him look like a walking brick wall.  He has big solid arms, and