A New Devious Chapter

One of the biggest things about this camp, was getting to see Kitty for the first time in way too long.  I'd missed him, but at the same time, was trying to make space to be less frustrated with his lack of contact even when we weren't sharing a physical space. I won't lie and say that I wasn't excited to see him again though.  To see if we could fit together the way we always have. When Pyre went to pick Kitty up from the airport, Lux was also heading to a class a friend was running.  I had wanted to go take the class with him, but we all agreed it would be better for me to be a surprise at the airport.  I got into the car with Pyre, and while riding off, we had a long talk about some things that need to be addressed soon.  While we tossed the idea around of making that happen at camp, it never did. As we rolled up to the gate, I dove into the back of the car, laying down as flat as I could.  I thought he would come up to the back of the car, but instead opened t

I'm home from Fusion, and this last week was a whirlwind.  Juggling multiple groups, being a switch, managing poly, teaching, performing, friends, and everything else. There's a lot for me to write about in the coming weeks, and I'm going to need to figure out how to spread it all out into coherent topics. My classes went well, although one wound up falling right in the hottest part of the day, and so it didn't happen. While Lux and I are thinking about putting together one new one for the future, I think four classes is definitely my maximum.  I kind of want to develop a rotating roster of classes to present, so I can be known for bringing far more things to the table. My double sword set went incredibly well.  I forgot one move, and got a little tangled at one point, but didn't drop the swords, even while rolling around on the ground.  I was nervous to the point of shaking while dancing with my swords, and it absolutely made me more confident in what I could

Last Tuesday, as Lux went to take a shower before his first meeting, I went to really wake up.  Went to the kitchen, and grabbed some small breakfast.  Refilled my coffee, and grabbed my phone to scroll through bits of social media. As I scrolled through, I saw a post about a group of friends not having been together in too long.  It was written in a worrying way, so I went to look, and found that the night before they had committed suicide.  One of the people who had first taught me to play D&D, someone in the group that would cause me to meet Kitty, and likely down the line lead my life to where it is, in so many ways. I took a moment to process that.  Because even though we didn't talk for a while, he was still someone who had had space in my life at one point. And as I went back to my feed, I immediately saw something saying that it was two years since the loss of another friend.  Someone who had been newer to my life, but was genuinely good.  I had found out about hi

I've been waiting to see how this resolved to post on it.  This is a bit of a big one. A few weeks ago, Kitty was telling me that he had a long night with Fox, after they had done a full week of overnights, and not much sleep.  They were depressed, and not in a good mental state. Well, that weekend only got worse. It wound up with not feeling safe to have Fox home, and they wound up having them put somewhere. A few days later there was no improvements.  A week later, they were brought home because the facility was fucking some things up. All the while, everyone is in crisis mode, afraid to try and relax, and Kitty of course taking too much blame for himself.  Needless to say, I spent that time wishing I was there to try and get them both to take care of themselves.  To help where I could, and be my normal jewish mother self. Well, it's finally in some form of resolution, and now it appears Kitty isn't attending Fusion at all because he isn't up to being

Squishy, being a kid, often writes some interesting things on school work. Things like in kindergarten, where all the other kids wrote "family" or similar around Thanksgiving, Squishy wrote that she is thankful for pumpkin pie.  This was cute, and lighthearted, and something we kind of expected. They're not all this way though. So, since she was an infant, Squishy has enjoyed getting her back patted.  Not just light gentle patting though.  Good solid thumps to the shoulderblades.  Genetics!  Even now, if she hugs me, she will fall asleep if I start thumping on her back. Last year at Mother's Day, she wrote in a book that she likes "When mommy hits my back".  Needless to say, when she told me she wrote this, I regularly asked if she was questioned about it at school, because to anyone not aware, that looks real wrong.  Luckily, if you haven't guessed, everything was fine. This year, knowing that she has written this in the past, I was a bit wo

This week has been a collection of having people feel like they in a downturn.  I spoke with Kitty Sunday night, and when I reminded him of his age (he forgot how old he is) it triggered thoughts of how he hasn't been making the same strides he was professionally, and how his current job has been nowhere near the situation he thought it would be.  That with the choices he's made, he doesn't know if life will even give him the chance to make that professional growth any longer, and feeling like he's burning out.  He's also been dealing with not being able to enjoy his hobbies due to his shoulder turning borked, and a ton of other things that I don't agree with much and have tried to voice. Lux is dealing with his work crumbling apart, and trying to find a new gig.  He's picking up the work of a ton of people in the meantime, and feeling frustrated, and like he can't really live up to everyone else.  This while juggling things with family, and attempt

These last couple weeks have involved me working on planning a lot.  Planning more published projects, planning adventures over the summer, building classes, trying to pick out performance music, and the like. I've also found myself wanting to play a lot more, and that's one of the biggest factors to show how much better I'm doing. I asked Lux if we could play soon, or at Fusion, or preferably both.  We run the idea by each other a lot, but it falls to the wayside far too often.  We wind up doing other things, or accidentally having too much sex (which still isn't actually enough sex) and lose time to play. But we both want to pursue it more, and make time, and prioritize better.  We're both working to grow and make improvements.  And so hopefully we will have more happy violence. I've also looked at tying with a friend of ours, because he'll be at Fusion and camping in the same area as us.  I still need to have some serious talks with him though, fo

After the last week, I'm feeling motivated, and drawn to teach. Which is a good thing, because I'm handing in my classes for both Pennsic and Fusion this week. Last year Kitty was very intent on the idea of me just teaching one class, and even though I wound up not going, being limited in that way made me a bit upset.  According to him, he wanted to make sure I wasn't overextending myself, and wanted to make sure I had time for me, and time with Lux.   Except that dance isn't work for me, and these classes don't take a ton of prep on site.  I'm getting to dance and share and have fun.  It's something that helps me keep going. And as an extrovert, decompression time alone isn't much of a thing I need.  I'm going to be running around full of energy the entire time.  It'll be halfway home that I run low, and Lux will see me slump down in my seat, out of energy from finally stepping away. So I'm teaching what I want, and that f

This last week has been a whirlwind for people in my life, and it has me worrying about so many. Zero discovered that the girl I expressed to him my dislike was manipulating him, taking his money, and using him to feed her drug addiction. Kitty is stretched beyond his spoons, making excuses, and feeling battered in his own home. I have friends being attacked on all sides, in life changing ways, over what was likely some dumb mistakes being taken far out of proportion. Lux is still dealing with family insanity. And all I want to do is have physical presence for all of them.  Be with them, hold a calm environment, and help however I can.  Talk things out to death, reassure them, provide comfort and support, and remind them all that sometimes they're dumb boys with good intentions that simply want to see the best in people.  They're good boys, but there's too much crazy elsewhere in the world for them to keep their intentions sometimes.

Kitty and I have a very long-standing relationship, even if it's taken many forms throughout the years.  Changing needs, and spoons, and lives and events which have made us become who we are, both separately and together. And, unfortunately, it's caused me to become even more of his voice of reason and calm than I have been for a long time.  Constantly reminding him that he needs to worry about and take care of him.  What's more though, reminding him that he can express things to me, always, and will never be without my care and presence.   He's been rather poor at keeping present lately.  Just not enough time and energy to put toward anything.  It sucks, I'll fully admit, but it happens.  He's aware of it though, and does want that to change.  What's worse though, is that because of this, he doesn't think he deserves any sort of presence during this time.  That he's only kept around because his lack of presence makes them feel like a better p

The other day, I mentioned to Kitty that the morning was weird, simply because things were happening a bit differently than they normally would.  He was instantly worried, and started to take my reassurances as trying to brush things off.  It took a while for him to realize that I truly did mean that nothing bad was happening. He said that it was him simply being paranoid.  That he was broken, and it was just the way he is. Well, I jumped on that without hesitation.  I rather forcefully told him that he is not broken.  Maybe a little weird.  And certainly not pristine, but not broken simply for who he is.  Not only that, but having genuine worry and concern for a loved one should never be something that counts as being broken.  Eventually, he said that while he may not believe that all the time, he did then. At the same time, I look at Lux, who is somehow managing more and more crisis in his life, and trying to hold himself together.  When he hugs me, he tells me he's broken.

When being poly is good, it's really good.  Partners are supportive, and present, and things are awesome. And yea, sometimes things are going on with one or the other, and you shift your focus as necessary without the other one feeling left out, because everything is cool. But, when shit goes down with one, it's never only one. Lux has some incredibly serious and horrible things going on right now, and is a mess.  I've been being present where I can, but it's a mix of him not wanting people around, or me not being able to be there, or a ton of other things. On the same hand, Kitty was stuck in Irma, hunkering down at home, where I had no way to see if they were safe as I watched footage of the area where he works flooding. And here I am, in the middle, unable to help either one. So, needless to say, earlier this week I was a mess. Not only do I have one boy to worry about, but multiple.  And it sucks. But damn it, they're cute. Poly is dumb.

Is Polyamory day! I always want to type polyarmoury.  Nope, that's Lux's closet. Poly is something I've had to do a lot of talking about lately.  With Zero in his situation (more on that later on because holy hell) it's been kind of awesome to realize that this is an aspect of my life I can actually reflect on and talk about, rather than only having shitty experiences, or flailing with nerves. Also, I still swear I'm the only person who could manage to accidentally poly.  No idea how to pick up partners even if I wanted to.  Cute boys fall into my lap apparently, and then I decide I like them.  Could be worse.  I think being a nerd that cooks helps. Now, I'm the kind of person who doesn't preach any particular lifestyle as being better than any other.  So long as it's healthy, and fulfills the people involved, then it's awesome.  If it came down to it, I could probably have one partner again and be happy, so long as things were done in a resp

This week has been incredibly draining.  Every day there has been something else happening that has just left me more and more fried. The old man has been throwing screaming fits telling me how I'm too stupid to function.  This is after I am asked to literally put cookies on a plate for him to offer people who come over and prepping a pot of coffee, because he admits he "can't handle doing that" himself. Gnome has been bringing Squishy home super late on weekends he takes her, both on a holiday (so she spent none of it with us, making my mom a pissy pain in the ass to boot) and on a school night.  Not only that, but I sent her with a school project over her spring break, and in that week, and the weekend after they had barely anything done, but swore they'd get it done this weekend.  I told him to just bring it down, and we'd finish it.  Well, there was so little done, and almost all incorrect, which meant we needed to do it all over, in a week before it was

To start off, a short story: Kitty left the larp we attended before I did.  He was done there, and no longer having fun, and so he needed to leave.  As we were both doing logistics at the time, I took over, and continued to attend.  However, given the amount of time we spent together at events, no one really bothered trying to do anything with me because he was always there. Well, literally the event after he left I'm walking up to where some people are hanging out to join in on conversation, and a guy who is a known douchebag walks up to me.  He cuts me off in my tracks, grabs me by the shoulders, and tells me he's high, and that he wants to drag me into the woods to fuck me. Needless to say I'm a little put off by this and say something to the president of the larp.  He comes back to me later, telling me that he said he was just joking. Um, excuse me, the fuck?  He's not my friend, and if he was, he'd know that any sort of joke like that would be me

The other day, I started having a serious conversation with Kitty, and told him that I didn't think I could really get much positive from it until I got my baseline at a better state.  That we're all in a shitty place, and we all need to make these steps to get better, and then start making bigger improvements. Later in the week, I was talking to Lux, and mentioned that I think a beating to catharsis would be good for me.  I also said that I wasn't sure if he was in a place where he would be comfortable beating me to that point.  That I was worried if he were to try, and he pushed himself too much I wouldn't be able to take care of him afterward.  That he wasn't in a state to be able to do that safely, even if he said he can. And, it's a big thing to beat me to that point.  Honestly, I don't think it's ever been managed.  I hold on for too long, unable to relax, and let go, and with too high a pain tolerance for most people to get me there. It'

Usually, Kitty and I make time for each other on Mondays.  We spend some amount of the evening  talking, and going on tangents, and being silly.  We still have some problems staying connected and communicating with the distance through the rest of the week, but generally this is pretty reliable time together. The Monday before Valentine's, I got a message from him saying we wouldn't be able to talk, because it was his anniversary with Pyre, and he wanted to go out and celebrate with her.  While I thought to myself that they probably have the worst date for an anniversary ever, I'm never going to stop him from spending time with a partner, or him from celebrating something. It happened to be a particularly bad day unfortunately, and so he was being a bit more present than usual as we talked about several things, including how Pyre absolutely loved the present I made for Kitty.  That he bought her a chain starter kit and some scales so she could play around with learni

A lot has been going on in the last few weeks.  Some of it will finally start calming down, and others are going to continue creating anxiety. Things at home are worse than ever.  The gnome has just started making empty promises and not telling me he's breaking them, so I've lost out on plans, and means I'm getting very little time out with anyone.  This is even more heavily changed by the fact that he is seeing the beast during the week, which means her entire schedule during school is getting fucked with.  My parents have just decided t completely ignore me as a person unless they're telling me I'm stupid or worthless because I'm either trying to point something out, or have a different opinion than they do. I've gone through a lot of my clothes to start dressing in a way that makes me feel more like me, as well as cracking down on my diet, and working out more.  I will find a way to stop hating my body this year, and stop the anxiety attacks that my d

Recently Fetlife went through and made a ton of words forbidden.  Made groups with vast sources of information invisible, and removed them from searches.  Some of the list includes things that we can pretty much all agree were not things to discuss on the site itself, and happen to be illegal in every sense. A lot of them though, were my major kinks.  I looked through that list and realized that all that was left of my interests were some very popular surface things, and it gave me a reminder of how many things I enjoy are considered taboo and edgeplay. And then I think about how often people acknowledge what they do as edgeplay.  That there is such a large chance for error if someone isn't educated or doesn't keep their focus.  To be honest though, that applies to so much of kink. If Kitty gets complacent with fire, he could give someone serious burns that require hospitalization and skin grafts.  If he gets greedy with hypnosis, he can completely reset someone's min

I finally got to the post office last week to send off the box of things for Kitty and everyone in the house down in Florida.  After I very impatiently waited for the two days it took to get there, I got to enjoy all the happy messages from all of them, snuggling their new things, and flailing with them, and having them oogle everything.  I was so happy that everyone found joy in the little things I made, and that it brought peace and happiness to house that has had a lot of anxiety all around lately. Afterward, I was talking with Kitty in the moments before he wound up falling asleep on the couch.  I reminded him to enjoy the happiness of the house today, and use it as time to relax and reset.  Apparently, his anxiety was so high, he hadn't even thought of that, and thanked me for the reminder.  I joked that it was part of my job, and something I had signed on for a long time ago.  That he had dealt with so much of my shit long ago that he didn't have to worry about things n