A New Devious Chapter

I know, I usually take this post to be the cop out list of things I'm grateful for.  This year though, something recently happened that I wanted to touch on instead. Lux and I had that talk a bit ago, and I mentioned I would possibly talk more on it.  Well, usually a few times a year we sort of check in on things, and see how we are doing, what needs to be done, and if anything is going wrong or needs attention. With everything going on for each of us separately, we haven't really gotten around to that. And it's the sort of thing that can be fixed now that we're aware of it, and I'm very willing to do that maintenance, and make sure things are clear, and ok.  It's a reminder of how much work a healthy connection with anyone is, and how grateful I am that we've tried to continue to do that work, and not get complacent despite everything that's happened. I don't know a lot of people who will actively try to put in that work for that healthy space...

The other day, I sent Squishy outside to get the mail.  I was expecting some things, so she wanted to run out and grab it.  As she pulled things out, I noticed an extra tiny padded envelope.  She came back into the house, and I wondered what it was, noticing it was addressed to me. I took it upstairs with the rest of my mail, and opened it up.  Inside, was a necklace with a pendant that I thought was rather pretty.  There was also an invoice, which I unfolded, and checked. It showed a user name for the buyer, which I recognized as the character name of someone I used to larp with.  He was a friend, but someone that I hadn't connected with in a while.  I took a picture, and looked for him on facebook messenger.  Rather than make assumptions of the item itself, I sent the picture, asking if he was responsible for it. He had ordered it and accidentally selected my address, since he had ordered me something years ago.  I told him that I cou...

The other day, I was talking to Lux (more on that later maybe), and I mentioned how Squishy is very susceptible to marketing, and societal expectation.  There have been many times when she's asked for something, and I know it isn't something she actually wants, but something everyone else has, or something that seems like the cool thing to do at her age. Most recently, because she's going to be going through puberty soon, she's talking about how she wants a big butt and big boobs when she gets older.  Lux immediately asked if she has access to Instagram, and wondering where she got the idea.  I told him that she didn't, but figured it was something she saw somewhere else that was to blame.  I also told him that I had explained to Squishy the practical reasons against it. And it's happened a lot with things, for years.  She goes through these phases of wanting what is pushed by the kids in school, or by what she sees online.  She says she wants to like...

Last year for Christmas, we got Squishy a switch.  The main thing she wanted on it was Just Dance, and honestly, I still play it more often than she does.  The new game just came out, and to help market it, they were releasing new songs on the older games to play. One of the new songs was Lizzo's "Boys".  I had noticed Lizzo being mentioned in headlines and such, but had no idea who she was, or what was so amazing about her music.  I however am not one to turn anything down without giving it a shot, and the preview looked fun, so I gave the song a try. Now, if you haven't heard it before, I highly recommend it.  Go on, give it a listen. Did you go? Ok. This song is fantastic.  It's very modern, but also carefully written.  In many ways, I found the song affirming. It creates an idea that people (most  contextually female) can be sexual without wanting to be an object, but wanting to pursue men.  That women can want se...

I was standing at the bus stop waiting for Squishy a while ago, and heard a couple outside.  As one of them walked out to their car, I heard them tell their partner they loved them.  Then, in that cutesy way you see in shows, they went back and forth with saying they love the other more. And it went on for a few minutes, that exchange keeping them from moving, but rather than hearing endearment in their voice, it sounded just like routine.  Like they were doing this just because they were expected to.  The words held less and less meaning over time, and  honestly seemed like the same sort of gesture as washing your hands after using the bathroom.  Like it was something done so often that it was just habit.  Something ingrained and expected, rather than something felt. Mind you, I've been trying to be more mindful about being affirming to people lately.  Trying to tell people that I care, and give positive messages more often to help both ins...

A few weeks ago I woke up to see a message from an old friend, Felix.  He had apparently felt a random urge to say hello to me when getting out of work.  I sent him a response, and things were quiet. Fast forward a couple more days, and he was saying that he wanted to catch up, which I had no problem with.  He mentioned coming down, and I suggested going for coffee, spending some time, and just a normal hangout.  Less than a minute later, that turned into him talking about getting a hotel for two nights, and all manner of things.  I reminded him that we had to plan around Squishy's school schedule.  I figured that would let him know that while I would be open to spending time with him, I wasn't putting my life on hold.  He still seemed receptive, and at 10:30PM, decided it was a good time to ask what I was doing.  Because I needed to get up in the morning for Squishy, I told him that at that point, I was getting ready for bed, because I was....

Lately, a lot of things haven't been going the best.  The holidays have already been a bit of a mess, as well as all the changes from what I mentioned previously.  I'm feeling a bit stagnant in a lot of ways, and it's getting to me, despite knowing I am being productive.  As well, yet another time that I thought I would get to see Lux fell through.  There's been a lot of time that I haven't gotten to spend with people for one reason or another, and may friends are busy right now with a ton of different things.  It's giving me a huge lack of security in how I feel, constantly.  It's making brainbugs kick up again, and I know it's starting to have an effect on my day to day.  And part of it is being an extrovert.  While people think extroverts are just loud boisterous people, really it's that we recharge by being with others, regardless of the behavior.  It means that this time without others, and especially only around people who constan...