A New Devious Chapter

You would think that after this long to adjust, and not being busy prepping for time away for anything, I would have far more time to get things done.  A few weeks ago, I felt like I had a good grasp on my time, and was taking advantage of it.   This last week or so, I feel like I'm running on fumes again. Squishy has been infinitely difficult, even before losing her grandfather, or knowing he was sick.  She's been sneaking things, lying, and trying to pushing limits to the point where she's spent several days stuck in her room if she isn't eating or doing school work, because I gave her literal weeks to just do what I had asked her to do.  Because of that, I have to spend most of my day quiet, often having to stand over her, or listening to make sure she isn't trying to do something she knows she shouldn't, or to get her school work done in a decent time (because I've caught her many times just deciding to do something else). That has eaten up such a chunk ...

For a few weeks, Squishy's paternal grandfather was in the hospital.  The gnome was quiet about it, until one day he had Squishy hand off the phone, and told me some things that weren't true about his diagnosis, but said that he probably wouldn't last the week.   And I was a bit upset that he wasn't telling her.  She should know what's going on with family members, especially in harder situations like that.  She should have had time to mentally sort it out.  While the gnome's mom had passed away a few years ago, they had never met or spoken.  Squishy had regularly seen her grandfather, even if he didn't really know how to interact with her. The gnome eventually said that he had tested positive for Covid, which I could tell from what he had been saying previously.  Two days later, he passed away.  I made sure the gnome was the one to tell her, because he shouldn't have to dump that on me like he does everything else.  And then I had to ta...

While being holed up at home, I'm finding my mind wandering about different things.  And lately, again, the concept that if I could change anything knowing what I do now, would I? And, the more I think about it, the more I don't know either way.  Would I love to not have dealt with abuse?  Of course, but then how far do I go?  Some of my oldest memories are being manipulated and gaslit by my parents, normalizing that treatment, and being what led me to the shitty relationships I had before learning better.  And in that learning, taught myself how to communicate more clearly, and how to help cultivate a healthier relationship, whether it be friendship or with a partner. Do I avoid the gnome, who caused me to be homeless, threaten me to have a child I didn't want, endanger my health, trap me in an unsafe place, as well as rape me?  Would I then wind up with all the skills I've developed as a person, or meet the people who I keep in my life now? I feel...

I worry about a lot of things through this.  I don't worry about all the economic bullshit, outside of small businesses surviving until everything opens back up again.  I don't worry about wanting things to open back up soon, because I would rather deal with one long shitty situation than seven shorter ones. I worry about mental health.  The rise of domestic violence that's already occurring.  The number of breakups and divorces due to people finally having to exist around each other, rather than being distracted by another person.  Suicide rates are going to rise. Squishy is still sad about how different things are, and it's making her day to day difficult.  My parents aren't coping at all.  My mom is eating so many sweets as a diabetic that it's giving her extra depression and anxiety symptoms, on top of her lack of stress management to the point where she's burst blood vessels in her eye. Something that's been the most noticeable to me thoug...

I started this lockdown ready to work out, and clean, and do a ton of things.  Even with Squishy being home, I was determined to do as much as I could, and be productive, while also having a kid home, and everyone else. And the first couple of weeks went pretty well.  I was doing solid exercise, did a deep clean on my room, and was a machine with drawing.  I felt like I could maintain it, and wasn't pushing too hard. Then around the third week, I just wasn't feeling it.  And I know part of it was because I was drained from no social contact.  I let physical activity slip, I was feeling burnt with art, and a ton of other things. The following weeks I've been trying to do lots of different things.  Make sure I have extra projects, do little bits of cleaning, and taking breaks from drawing.  I've started playing more video games, and even for just a couple of hours a day, it's helpful.  It's a small thing that helps me do something just for m...

A week or so ago, a group chat was made up to throw the idea out there of a game night with all of the fire team at camp.  We spent time connecting a bit, and all realized that in the lockdown, we've heard from each other more than we would have if things were normal.  We were all happy to have that supportive desire for connection and time. We picked a day, and I noticed an overlap with another friend who had a social thing happening.  However, this had many people, including partners that actively wanted to add me to their time.  As the week went on, I wound up setting up social time with a few more things, and was looking forward to all of it.  It just took six weeks for the extrovert to figure out how to be social in an apocalypse.  And then Friday night came, and Squishy had a little spa night.  Somehow, she went from being out of extra bath things, and fancy face masks, to having a surplus because Dansa sent her a ton by surprise.  At ...

The other day, I got caught in a bit of a thought loop, that I'm still not quite able to get myself out of. What is the most accurate way for me to describe my sexual orientation? For years, I always just said I was straight.  Saying that I was female bodied, and attracted to male bodied people.  And that was fine for a long time, but even though my attraction hasn't changed, the reasoning may have.   Using that phrasing sounds trans-exclusionary, both for others, and myself.  It starts to sound like I would only be attracted to cis-men, and while I haven't met a transperson I have been sexually attracted to, it isn't off the table.  Likewise, from a societal perspective, it starts to invalidate my own gender, and creates the assumption that I am a ciswoman, which isn't true either. Were a gun pressed to my head, and forced to choose in the binary, I would say I'm a binary trans man every day.  That's not the most accurate thing for me e...