A New Devious Chapter

 Over the past months, I've managed to stick to the things I've been doing to help take care of myself physically.   I've been working out almost every day, and while I notice the difference in how I feel if I don't, there isn't a feeling of guilt if I take a day to rest.  Likewise, I'm noticing progress in the things I am doing to exercise.  While I was using the ring fit every day, even though I was almost through my first run of new game+, I decided to start in on the new just dance, since we got it for Squishy.  I've since been working on some of the songs that have alternate versions to unlock, but will have the same goal of the last game to get the highest rank on every song, because it's very easy to see progress, and give myself something to figure out with small changing goals. At the same time, I've managed to also keep track of what I'm eating, and it's made at least for me, a noticeable difference.  My clothes are fitting differen...

 For the first time in almost seven years of having this blog, I didn't post.  I didn't keep my schedule, didn't write, didn't look at it. During the initial week or so, I felt guilty.  I wasn't keeping up with something that I hadn't taken any breaks from.  I had a perfect streak for so many years.  When it came down to it though, it had become something I had to do.  Something I had to wrack my brain for, which wasn't doing anything for me in the long run.  And when it became a thing of stress, it was no longer serving me, but doing the opposite. Once the guilt subsided, and it sunk in that this was my own space, and I could come back to it whenever I wanted, or change what I was doing with it to how it would benefit me, I relaxed, and took the time I needed. So, for a while I may only be posting once a week.  And that might just be the permanent change.  Something a little easier to keep up with, and now that I have more concepts and thing...

We've hit that point where Lux and I are more seeing silly symptoms of stress.  Life has happened (and continues to happen) and we're both going through a ton.  As a result, we're noticing some of the standard responses from our brain. It means we're both super horny, while we're apart, and craving all the things. Well, he's craving all the things.  I'm apparently at a point where it's all a bit more specific.  I've stopped wanting violence the same way I normally would.  Instead I'm wanting controlling force, that comes from a place of possessive power exchange.   It's not that situation which is near a stereotype of wanting something different.  It's not that I feel like I need to let go of being in charge.  Hell, with things going on, I'm feeling out of control of everything around me, and the entirety of my day. I want the comfort of having control in the hands of someone I trust.  To feel the steadiness that I'm doing what I ...

 With the exception of only a couple of days, I've managed to work out, and track my food for over a month.  I now have the motivation of seeing progress, both in my endurance, and in little changes in my body. Because I keep clothing until it dies, and I don't have a terribly massive amount to start, some of the clothing I wear for exercise is beginning to fall apart.  I also have no actual dedicated work out tops.  So I'm reminded to go through the things I have, and likewise, I got myself some new things.  Not a ton, just two tops and two bottoms.  The leggings are more of the very inexpensive kind I've found that fit well and I like.  The tops, however, are a bit pushing.  I love the designs, and think they're both fantastic, but they're crop tops, which I normally would hate wearing.   I can dance in cholis with a bare stomach, but I always feel like with everything else I'm wearing, and with also dancing, there is so much distracti...

 I think I'm just used to dealing with things that would knock most people on their ass, even when they're constant.  That, and knowing what will help and recharge me no matter what is happening.   With everything exploding, which is still exploding, don't get me wrong, I'm managing to kick myself in the ass and try to get ahead on things.  I have all my books planned for next year, am well into progress on them, and I'm managing to get ahead on the holidays as well.  Given the pandemic, I don't even have the same timeline that I normally would, because we won't be having extra people for Channukah, but we're almost completely ahead through everything. I have a ton of ideas of things I want to start.  I know I recently mentioned starting a new blog, and while that idea is great, it's entirely dependent on me constantly doing new things.  For the weeks where I have a ton of things going on, that's wonderful, but I do have times where things lull, ...

A bit more than a week ago, I had asked Lux to come visit.  While I was doing what I could to take care of myself, I knew mentally that I needed some contact and time.  He said that he couldn't give an answer either way, given that work was being incredibly demanding of him, but he understood, and honestly, just him responding that much was helpful for me. And then Friday happened, to which I no longer expected him to show up, and wouldn't blame him.  I wouldn't ask anyone to come visit and be around after something like that.  So, I was very prepared to try and slog through the day on my own, no matter how difficult that would be. I didn't hear from him all morning, but tried to send him some messages to just keep him updated on my safety and mental state.   When I had the chance to sneak downstairs for some lunch, I finally heard from him, and he told me he was still coming for a night.   Whatever tears were left, started then.  I was so gr...

 I'm writing this because although I knew I had to write earlier, I was a bit compromised. Friday, my father started a conversation with me.  He asked me something, and because he directly asked me, I couldn't just ignore things and stay quiet in order to not deal with what I knew would be the response.  So I let the conversation move.  And it turned into me trying to explain BLM, white privilege, inherent racism, and a myriad of other things. On his side, it started with him telling me that because I didn't like Trump, I was the same as people who said they would kill a puppy to get him out of office.  Then moved onto him saying that cops should follow me around places because I look different so I don't belong anywhere.  He then in response to me explaining to him that I deal with things he wouldn't, due to my gender and appearance, said with every bit of condescension you could imagine "I'm sorry, I didn't know you were so oppressed", and later ...