A New Devious Chapter

 One of the things that I was concerned about with this last visit to Rabbit's, especially with his still being injured, was getting to be able to get work done.  I'm used to holing up at his place when he has a long work day, but having to get things done with him there hasn't worked the best in the past.  Between wanting to spend time with each other, him not being able to do much without my being present, and things going on in the house that have some spaces less friendly right now, I was incredibly worried about getting things done. The last visit, when he first wound up out of work resulted in me not getting anything done other than necessary product postings for two weeks.  I couldn't take that time off again, knowing that while I was ahead on some things, I was also quickly catching up to deadlines on others.  It wasn't going to look good if this visit also resulted in my not being able to get things made and done.  So I told him leading up to the v...

 I got home from my long visit with Rabbit and found myself missing him, despite all the anxiety and lack of space due to his injury and being out of work.  At the same time, I was swamped with things at home and the stress there.  Top that off with needing to catch up from two weeks of not working, and it meant I was no recovering well from the mental state I went home in.  For several days I barely got anything I needed to finished at all, just because I was being dragged around for whatever my parents wanted. After about the first week, I managed to be able to get some work in though, and was getting back to some routine.  I was just about on top of things as much as I needed to be, and then things changed.  Rabbit had people moving in and out of the house, who weren't doing anything near what they needed to.  He couldn't move much, or lift anything, which had him feeling horrible, and didn't help the situation we were trying to get out of. On my en...

 After waiting and contemplating, I pulled the trigger.  I spent a miniscule amount next to most, but ordered one of the most important things I probably ever would.  They were coming from Ukraine, which I found endearing considering the current situation, and the shipping window meant I could reliably have them sent to Rabbit's address, and know they would show up while I was there. And then, the wait.  We knew about them, and I told him about it, which had him exceedingly joyful despite the pain he was in.  I then had the moments where the excitement wore down, and I learned how much that love ebbs and flows as a choice, and one I found myself continuing to happily make rather than simply being attached.  Weeks went on, and then I went off to Rabbit's, wondering still when they would show up. A few days later, I got notice that they were delayed by a few days.  Worry set in, due to the delivery window.  I didn't want them to show up right after ...

 Months ago, I picked up tickets for what I had wanted to do for my birthday.  Initially, it was supposed to be open well beforehand, but then as time crept forward, I noticed myself being more set on what normally happens, and didn't expect it to open.  I was sad, but tried to find a backup plan, and unfortunately couldn't find something.   Then with Rabbit's leg and back, and him going out of work, I knew that most things we wouldn't be able to do.  However, where we had thought we only had a certain day, this meant we had more time if we did find something.  That's when I saw a message about the soft opening of where I had bought tickets for.  Rabbit offered to still go, but he could barely do ten minutes in the car, and the thing involved crawling and exploring.  I wanted the both of us to be able to run around and explore, so as much as he pushed, I told him that because the tickets were good for a year, we would have plenty of time. So ...

 I'm home from my month with Rabbit, and while not the month we wanted, it was certainly eventful, and an overall good experience.  We both came out of it happy to not feel done with each other, and still wanting to curl up and spend time together after so long.  At the same time, it was a tough month overall. Rabbit has had some issues with his back and leg since we went to Israel.  They started to get better after a few weeks of us being home, and then it started getting worse again.  A week or so into my visit, he could barely get through a work day, and often came home early.  After some plans went awry with one doctor, we finally got to a chiropractor to start having him get better.  The one we wound up seeing actually wound up being fantastic, and told us that it was something that would completely heal, but wound take time. That meant he would be out of work, which started with a single week off, and has now turned into short term disability whi...

 I've had a lot of general anxiety lately, over the past weeks and months, creeping into almost every day.  It makes it difficult to get through a lot of things, with the chasing feelings of guilt, shame, and lack of worth.  Needless to say, it makes a just getting through the day an uphill battle some days, and there's only so much I can do to help. Just before heading to Rabbit for this long month, I was reminded of something called a "Glimmer" which is like the opposite of a trigger.  It brings joy to see, hear, or experience, in it's truest form.  While anxiety means that sometimes it's hard to remember these things exist, or that I should seek them out, I've been thinking about them more, and trying to remember to keep them on hand. Simple things like reading a fun book, or blasting weird music.  Getting to play with recipes, or find new projects.  The feel and smell of leather, or getting to enjoy a cigar.  Sweet fresh fruit, or just getting...

There's been some weird things going on in my brain leading up to this long visit with Rabbit.  I'd been coming to grips with how much I was people pleasing, and losing track of my ability to figure out and feel the things that I actually want.  It's had me second guessing a lot, for a lot of reasons. I had times when I doubted how I felt about Rabbit as a whole.  Leading up to telling him about the beans, and eventually ordering them, I had that digging excitement that I wanted to tell him, and I was so excited about the decision.  Worrying about when, or how to say it, and everything in the vein.  The day I told him I felt more sure of it than anything before in my life.  And then as the couple of months after it went on, that digging excitement left, and as the novelty of our relationship has worn off with a big trip under our belts, and real life taking the forefront, there's less of that constant giddy love in my brain all the time. And it had me think...