A New Devious Chapter

While Lux was here last weekend, we continued the process of small renegotiations and creating a much more coherent understanding of how our relationship and needs work. Part of that was figuring out what we should, and shouldn't do with other people.  More specifically, if there should be anything that is exclusive to our dynamic that we don't share with others. I've talked about this before I believe, how I think keeping something special to a dynamic, which doesn't get shared with anyone else can be a good way to create security, or make each dynamic unique.  Lux has had one thing of his which was a need for a long time on his behalf, which we talked about and made a bit clearer, although it likely won't change how I do anything. And then I sat, and wondered if there was anything on my side.  Part of me wanted just something.  I actually went to fetlife and looked for something that I would only want us sharing with each other, and couldn't find anythin

While Lux was here last week, as a strange change of pace we wound up not having sex. I know, let that shock process for a minute. However, with the feeling burnt from everything going on, and some situations that Lux had dealt with recently, I wanted to be sure he had some amount of security from me.  Something settling, and a feeling a safety. That's not to say that I didn't want sex.  While I have some seasonal brainbugs going, I still definitely wanted to bone.  However, I knew that he needed care first, and I'm nowhere near that selfish to not consider what he needed at the time. And honestly, in the scheme of things, his care is simple.  Provide support, be present, show care and concern.  Lux just requires basic affection and patience when it comes down to it, and I think that's what frustrates me with others when it comes down to it. There's always time for sex, or beatings, or whatever I want.  But when he needs something from me, it's never s

Lux is making a couple of short visits this week.  He's being sent somewhere near me for a couple days for work, so instead of just flying down, he's driving and using me as a middle point.  He's also using some of that time to look for a new apartment/house.  Which means I've been looking around for places up by him, or inspecting places that others send and getting ideas about what might or might not work for him. We've both also become rather burnt on everything going on.  There's just a ton of stuff right now, and while none of it is particularly horrible, it's just a pile of draining things to keep up with on both sides.  So, these short visits will be a good break in things, to help level out a bit. And luckily, things should calm down here in about a week or so.  Which means that with every day I can mark more off my list, and relax a bit.  It also means that when Lux is here, we can focus on enjoying time and recharging together. And then after t

A while ago, the big thing being pushed with poly was compersion.  It was the most important trait in having a poly relationship, and was almost treated as an "us vs. them" type of feeling.  That you had to have compersion in order to have healthy poly, and that only poly people could feel it. It goes so, so much deeper than that.  Not every poly person is going to feel compersion all the time.  I won't lie, with all the times Lux has been burned by other partners, I feel like I need to be critical and objective of his time with partners.  I can't just inherently feel that compersion, due to how often he tells me he had a great time, but this handful of hurtful things happens.  I often have to keep track of these things, to be able to keep him in a more realistic mindframe for the safety of us both, and not let him get too caught up in NRE.  That alone makes it very difficult for me to feel romantic compersion with him.  However, when he has a solid meeting at w

While I was with Zero a week and a half ago, Lux was with one of his newer partners.  His second time spending time with her, though they talk fairly frequently.  And unfortunately, for the second time, she caused him harm.  Hurt him in ways that he was messed up for a couple days afterward, and tried to manipulate him in a few ways. Needless to say, finding out about this caused a lot of feelings on my part.  I know I'm overprotective, and this perked up every bit of that.  At the same time, I had concern for him, in a lot of different ways.  I wanted to scoop him up and comfort him.  To take care of him and help him process.  Make sure he felt safe, because sometimes submission means being the strong, steady, and protecting one. For a second I had wished I was there in the moment, before realizing that might not have been the best idea. On one hand I would have been able to see exactly how it went.  Been able to take care of him in the moment, and have a better idea of wh

Last weekend, after a long time away, I spent some time with Zero. We hadn't seen each other in a long time, and it was good to catch up, and actually spend time together. Friday night we wound up going to a friend's house, and I saw a ton of people from my old larp.  They were surprised to see me, and it's always fun to show off how small the world is.  I found myself falling into my normal extroverted role, and Zero fell more into the background, speaking up only occasionally. It's always interesting to see how we wind up behaving in groups, even when we're around friends. The next day I wound up getting some work done, and then we went to a hobby shop.  While I was looking forward to the idea of a myriad of things, I found the place to be only full of models for tabletop combat games.  The men there had no idea what to talk about as soon as I said that I didn't play any of them myself, but had knowledge or skill in a ton of other nerdy things.  They w

I've spoken here before about how I use Valentine's Day to celebrate all forms of love, and not just the romantic sort that tends to first pop into the minds of others.  However, lately in random moments, I find myself thinking about love languages, and what helps people feels the most cared for.  The things that feel intimate and romantic, which may not follow the more expected gestures. I don't like a lot of stereotypical romantic gestures.  I find them flat and impersonal.  Things you do to go through the motions of the idea of romance, rather than creating something for just the person you care about. Bring me to little holes in the wall that may not feel overly fancy, but let us relax. Remember how I like my coffee, or be able to run into somewhere and grab me something small that you know I'll like. Tell me you want to spend time just with me that day, not to manipulate me later, but just because you want that time. I've learned that actions speak a