A New Devious Chapter

I'm at the point in packing for camp that I'm just adding things to a pile as I think about them.  Most of the gear is already packed, and much of what's left I may need before we leave.  I'm left considering clothing to pack, costumes for performances, and little details like that. Likewise, Dansa needs to start packing early, because she's headed back to Aus for a week to visit family.  While in her storm of packing for everything, she is also gathering things together for camp in order to save time.  Amidst her mountain of laundry, she talks about having a small pile of lingerie growing for camp.  And I laughed.  I told her that while she was going to be filling a bag with lacy underthings, I was wondering how many suits would fit into my luggage. Last year I wore dresses every day, and actually wore underpants much to Lux's displeasure.  By the end of camp I was so tired of dresses that I told him not to expect to see me in one for at least a year. T

The other day, after plodding along a bit more with my vibrator, I cleaned it up, and plugged it in to charge.  I flopped onto my bed, and giggled a bit. I thought about the time with Thrax where he attempted to use a hitachi on me.  How he just put it near my genitals, and waited about two seconds before shifting it once, and giving up.  He put on an attachment, tried to insert it, and after about five more of it being stationary gave up.  To keep it in mind, he was able to get me off with digital stimulation. Frequently though, he would try to shame me when I would ask for more play.  Turn it into a gaslighting attempt, because he couldn't enjoy his biggest kink with me, claiming it to be forced orgasm.  I would tell him that he could always indulge in this manually, and he would tell me it was too much work, and that he just wanted to be able to strap a toy to my leg and watch. Really, he wanted to avoid work at whatever cost.  Wanted unwarranted submission and obedience

There are many times when I think about the things I've done which I may not enjoy, and wonder about them. Somewhat frequently, I remind Lux that he's in charge, and that something I may not outwardly have interest in, I'm open to trying with him, because I can definitely enjoy something for who I'm doing it with rather than just the action.  It's something he forgets, which I understand, because it's a bit weird. I also think about things and feel more curious about them.  Things I've done which I say I don't enjoy, but wonder if it was just the conditions.   So I think, is this against my hard limits, which I know enough that I do not do well with?  Is this something that I should try to experiment with further?   And lately, the thing I decided to try was vibration.  My previous experience was with Thrax (which I think I'll write about more later) and did not go well, for several reasons.  I decided it was worth a shot to test it ou

Over the past month or so, I've been trying to do more to help myself get into better shape again.  Looking into a lot of science on things, and trying new ideas. I picked up some resistance bands for working out.  For the first time in my life I find myself not hating doing normal repetitious exercise.  I do notice myself adjusting over time, and I am adjusting along with it to push myself, so I guess I'm building muscle. I'm stretching every day with everything included in the class I'm teaching next month in order to express its effect on the body over time.  I'm seeing myself having more range of motion most days, and not getting stiff in any places. Every day I practice with my swords.  Whether to my music, or just drilling more complex things, I'm doing a bit of work just to get better with them, and be able to really show off once I do get down to performing. When I can, I'm also dancing for cardio.  I'm making sure not to make that my onl

In the process of negotiating things for Fusion, there's been a lot of me checking in with whoever I'm playing with to see what they are good with.  And in return, I notice there is a lot of focus on asking tops how they want to feel in a scene. And, perhaps it's my weird brain, but that's the least of my worries in play. I don't care about being made to feel a certain way.  I don't want people to behave in a way that elicits an emotion from me.  Perhaps if there was a scene that involved power exchange, we may find something where I wanted to feel some kind of way, but that's not what I want normally. I want something organic.  I want us to just feel like people. I want to feel like we're having fun. I want to be able to punch people. And yea, that's about it.  It's not about feeling powerful, or in control, or feared, or anything like that.  I want to know we're having fun.  If the other person feels like they're being pus

A bit over a week ago, I woke up and checked my social medias to find that a youtuber was announcing his divorce.  I told Lux, and we said we felt badly that it was happening, and went to move on. And then.  Oh then.  Where he had simply posted that note, his now ex had gone on to tell the whole story.  He had cheated on his wife with someone he was regularly working with, sending nudes to underage fans, and using that implied imbalance of power to coerce fans both of age and underage into sending him nude photos or various explicit conversation. Needless to say, we are no longer fans of his. And this bothered Lux a lot, to where he wondered if this needed to be handled more quietly than it was.  I told him that because this had to do with fans, it needed to be public, because he is now a safety risk at conventions or panels.  This isn't for the defamation aspects, but to keep him from continuing these behaviors with people who aren't mature enough to be responsible unde

Right now, I'm feeling a bit foggy creatively.  My dancing feels like a crawl, partially because my performance anxiety is kicking in with Fusion only a month away.  I'm still practicing with swords every day, even if only for a few minutes to learn tiny tweaks and make progress on my skills.  I'm excited for my performances, but they always give me such nerves. I worry about my classes for Fusion as well.  I'm bringing three new classes, which is a lot of material to cover that I'm not used to pulling out like I can dance classes.  It's not that I don't know the subject matter, because I wouldn't teach it if I didn't know it.  It's some heavy imposter syndrome poking around in my brain. All my projects have slowed down.  They still are showing progress, but it's no longer the leaps and bounds that it was. That being said, I'm still worlds ahead of where I need to be.  I have a book and a half left to draw in order to be able to put