A New Devious Chapter

Lux decided last minute on the Saturday before the new year that he was actually coming down here.  Prior to that, many things had been in the air, and even with him coming down, we still didn't have a plan.  It had been more than four months since I'd seen him, longer than we'd ever been apart for, and that length of distance was absolutely taking a toll on my brain.  I worried about what the visit would bring, or if that time apart would mean that we were no longer ok. He made it down though, and after Oliver demanded many hugs, we finally got to hug and spend some time together.  And even though there was so much time, and so much space, everything just fell into stride and comfort in many ways.  It was wonderfully centering, just to have that presence. The next day we moved at a fairly slow pace.  We threw around ideas of what to do that day, and opted that instead of going out for breakfast, we would go to one of the places I had wanted to take him for lunch.  Wh

The week of Christmas was difficult here.  I had to deal with toxic people being toxic, and other people not paying any attention to anything going on.  I had to deal with people saying one thing and doing another.  I had to deal with things in the air, amongst everything else. And while Christmas itself was fairly quiet, everyone seemed to be in a bit of a poor mood.  I went to bed early that night, tired, and figuring an extra hour of sleep would fix everything.  As you can guess, it didn't.  I spent the night dealing with tons of physical symptoms of stress and anxiety.  Everything catching up that day, and keeping me from sleep.  The day after the holiday, I had to enlist Squishy to help take care of me and make sure I was ok because I was so exhausted. When I explained the symptoms I had dealt with to my mom, she of course asked how I could possibly have any stress, because the holiday was over.  I pointed out that I have had to deal with my father and the gnome who ha

Coming into the end of the year, Lux has been mentioning goals for next year a lot.  When he first brought it up, I had no idea what I wanted to focus on next year.  Normally, I would have a long list of little tasks I wanted to be able to cross off, but nothing that would necessarily promote growth. While I do want to continue to learn all sorts of little things, and improve in many ways, I wanted to find something more substantial to try and work on this year. And, I want to work on me.  More specifically, how to take care of me. I have over time sort of lost track of how my own self care works.  I know that the more stereotypical gestures don't work, and normally I would look at simply being productive as a way of feeling better and clearing my head.  The problem there is that if I'm not constantly making or doing something, I tend to slowly feel worse and worse, making me think that if I'm not doing something, I'm wasting time and space. So I need to find th

Not only is the year about to end, but an entire decade.  All over social media I've been seeing pictures of people in 2009 next to them now. And, for me a picture can't do it justice. So, some major points of the decade: I had a kid I was engaged I ended not one, but two abusive relationships I both lost, and reconnected with my teenage best friend I learned that I am polyamorous, when I don't have abusive partners I had my first belly dance performance, which only encouraged me to learn more I started teaching dance I started publishing my own books I experienced a many many more aspects of kink, and how to build a healthy dynamic I ended toxic friendships, and started new healthy ones I discovered that I am not cisgender I found a proper name for my sexuality Overall, it's been a decade to learn.  Whether it's learning from good experience, or having to learn the hard way, I've become smarter, wiser, and stronger. Here's t

I think every parent hopes that their child feels safe talking to them.  I know one of the biggest things that gets considered when I teach Squishy about anything is that in the future, she'll be comfortable talking to me about important things.  At the same time, I've been the one to teach her about all manner of actual life topics, which she wouldn't learn about anywhere else. And before I go further, I'm going to mention that I did get her consent before writing this. A couple weeks ago, I am at the bus stop to get Squishy after school, and she runs off the bus and yells something at me that I don't quite get.  I ask her to repeat herself while we walk home, and she says that she likes a girl and thinks she might be gay.  I mention her liking boys, and she says that she does, and that in this case she might be bi.  It's all just sort of matter of fact how she says it with me.  No hesitation, and far easier for her to tell me than on occasions when she had

There's been a lot going on with Squishy lately, I know.  She's getting to where there's a lot of things happening that I can try to teach her about that are more mature topics, and apparently she's comfortable enough to talk to me about those things, but that's for another post. I still get up with her every morning to try and get her ready for school.  She needs another person to sort of kick her in the butt, and make sure she gets everything done in time to make it to the bus stop.  Oliver also thinks putting Squishy on the bus is his job, and he's not allowed to go by himself, as much as that would make things far easier. While she gets herself ready, we sometimes groan and fail to wake up, and sometimes there is actual conversation.  One morning, we're sitting there, as I slowly work on my coffee, and make a comment about something.  Squishy starts yelling about how the person I had mentioned was cheating, even though it was a silly situation where

When I wrote my last post, we were still digging our way out from bin mountain.  Buried under piles and piles of decorations everywhere, wondering if our house would ever be livable again. What didn't come upstairs was the loaf pans ma had bought last year, which spawned the idea that I wouldn't get to have the cookiepocalypse.  I told her that I needed to see them in order to adjust my recipe for yield of exact loaves, as well as the cooking time and temperature. Since writing that post we've dug ourselves out.  The house is covered in Christmas, but surfaces can be found again, and Oliver is happy that he can run around.  I brought the bins downstairs, and stacked them away, and ma went poking about.  She said that she was looking for the pans, and pointed out a bag.  I looked, and immediately noticed that it didn't contain pans, but containers that she had purchased years ago, still wrapped up, for cookiepocalypse past. She looked around at the room with all of