A New Devious Chapter

I didn't get to have camp this year, but I very nearly had the next best thing.  The invasion that we planned, albeit for many reasons, created the sort of environment that I had needed from camp, without the risk of hundreds of people all having sex on top of each other. Everyone didn't even show up who had planned to, which made the entire thing a small gathering of safe people, with as few risk for issues as possible. We all worked together to try and take care of everything, and were all happy to do so.  It was obvious how much we all needed this, and it created an environment to bring us all closer, while getting the bit of relaxation we needed.  Throughout the weekend, things kept happening in reflection of where we are mentally.  While everyone was having cups done outside, no one could deal with it.  During harder conversations, people had to walk away and process.  I had to remind everyone at one point or another that we were all compromised given the situation. 

I had almost a week without Squishy home before the invasion.  I got through the weekend taking time for myself, and then Monday hit.  Only a few days before leaving, and as my mind was settling from not having to constantly worry about everything with Squishy, it started confronting everything else. Which meant all of the anxiety ever during the day.  My mind was confronting the idea of breaking lockdown, and being around people again, and likewise, possibly making contact with people again.  After so long avoiding people, and worried about the involved with seeing anyone, as well as everyone pushing for no large gatherings for safety, was I ready to break that?  Would Kitty feel safe hugging me?  My mind was spinning from not knowing, and it wasn't doing me any good to just stay quiet.  I went to talk to Pyre to get an idea from her about what he would do, and she told me that I needed to leave it to him, but she felt safe making contact with me.  She also suggested talking to

Today, I should be at camp.  At the end of a week with friends, my polycule, and loved ones. Instead, we are all concerned with safety.  Keeping apart even while our worlds are on fire, trying to stay healthy so we can keep each other healthy. Now, we rewind to a couple of weeks ago.  I'm on a call with Pyre, talking about how Kitty's birthday is soon, and she is planning a trip up, which has changed from just a short trip due to her current situation.  She mentions another one of our friends talking about making a long trek down, because it would be the week of camp, and spending the weekend.  She asks what I'm up to, and I tell her that Squishy will be gone. And so the plotting began.  Trying to make something happen as safely as possible, while taking stress off of Kitty so we would show up with everything taken care of. A fantastic surprise that brings us back to the important people, and creates a positive space for mental health. Which means that while I'

I mentioned last week that I've been making myself do more to take care of me.  Part of that started as slower, deep stretching yoga again, because I've gotten far more stiff than I care to be.  I've added more since then, but making sure to stretch, and breathe, and relax has been a part of my day for a couple of weeks now. And, it's been good for me physically.  My body isn't as stiff, and it's making me more comfortable. It's also apparently good for me mentally.  I store stress in my shoulders.  I always have.  And with everything going on, my upper back had days where I had to use my heating pad because it was so knotted up. While doing yoga, I noticed multiple times while stretching my shoulders, that I would hit emotional release.  For some reason only while stretching that part of my body, my mind would register the concept that soon I may have the chance to hug people again, and have some manner of fixed touch starvation, and I would start c

Coming into the covid lockdown, it came with many things being cut off.  Sharing physical space, traveling, going to events both big and small, and tons of other things. At the same time, I decided just for fun, that I would grow out my hair while stuck at home.  I also said I wouldn't dye it, because if I wasn't around people, it was an excuse to take a break from it, as my hair has been dyed every month or so for almost twenty years now. But, when do I say that things are done, and I'm ready to do any of them again.  Things are opening up, but when do I say I'm ready to go out and do things?  The stay at home order in my state is done, but does that mean I can travel to see my partners again?  When I do see them, is it safe to have contact, and finally hug them for the first time in months? And even just with the option, does that mean it's time to cut my hair, dye it dark, and look just like before all this started? My number one goal is to stay safe and

Today is technically the end of the school year for Squishy.  The start of her summer break, and while things are still closed, and it won't be the extra fun adventure most kids want, but it means no longer worrying about schoolwork for a bit for us both. And I'm hoping, that with her leaving in a few days, I'll be able to reset my own brain a little from how I've been feeling.  That break from how things have been, and the stress she's been creating will hopefully be helpful. For the last few days, I've been making myself do things that I know are good for me that I've let fall to the wayside.  Physical and mental acts of self care that I know I need, but just made excuses that I didn't have the spoons for, because I honestly didn't think I did with everything else going on. I'm forcing myself to do even simple physical self care again, and it's helping a ton.  Focusing on the things that are healthy for me, and while it may not be the

I finished everything with the gnome last week, and Squishy was making progress with having better behavior.  At the same time, I've continued to have all the same physical stress symptoms that I had been dealing with.  My mom had told me that I could relax when I pointed it out to her, and I just responded that I couldn't.  There was too much in the air, too much still happening all at once.  Lux was about to do his move, and had even more happening in his life, which is still going on.  Pyre's living situation had been falling apart.  I'm worried about the safety of everyone for so many reasons, and have everything exploding here.  I think all things considered, just some physical stress symptoms is me handling things fairly well. But at the same time, Squishy's behavior took a nose dive as soon as she had gotten herself back any freedom.  After trying to work with her, be understanding to how she felt, and fighting like hell to make her feel safe, I was met w