A New Devious Chapter

 As of writing this we're still waiting out the election.  Watching maps and percentages change a fraction of a percent, seeing gaps close, and wondering when numbers will be called. At the same time, I'm listening to my father.  Someone who all year has talked about how the pandemic is made up, and a hoax created by the democrats to sway the election.  He talks about how the protests through the country were destroying everything, and that those people deserved to be shot with live ammo because they were rioting.  That if "they weren't doing anything illegal, they wouldn't get shot". And as he spews hypocrisy constantly while this election occurs, I watch my mother send so many mixed messages to whoever she's around, and I never know when she's lying, or if she thinks she can constantly play both sides of the coin in what she believes.   I stay quiet around my father.  I don't think I've ever been able to have a conversation without him yellin

It was about a week ago now, deep into feeling like I was barely running on fumes, and counting down the days until I would get a break from how things were.  I had showered one night, and as I was finishing up, a strange thing came to mind. In my learning to masturbate, and exploring therein, I've realized that if I want my body to have any response, not only do I have to hope that I have the exact right angle and position, which changes every day, but I also need to only focus on specific parts of how it feels.  If I wanted to try and let my mind wander at all, it's more or less me deciding that I never want there to be any end result.  There is no thinking about even the things that I know my mind would enjoy, and when I'm done, there's no feeling of being done.  I'm not more turned on, or satisfied, or anything.  It just is. What I had remembered in this moment though, is how there would be times when Lux and I would be messaging each other, and while I was like

 The last month or so has not been the easiest, for anything.  Squishy has given me no breaks in her behavior.  My parents are being their normal difficult selves, as well as finally realizing things that I've brought up to them multiple times.  I've had some things crawling around in my brain that are important, but still hard, and even with doing things to help my mental state, the thoughts have stuck around, or been proven even more true. Things have been challenging for everyone lately, and so while trying to be understanding of them, and not dump onto them, I feel worse because I can't do anything helpful either.   I've realized I'm craving just the chance to relax.  At all.  The few times Squishy has been gone I've been in such a garbage space that I can't let myself relax, and I don't have the space to reset at all, because most of my stress is still right here.  At the same time, because so much is going on with everyone, I'm not getting time

 Over the summer, a friend wound up getting a ton of spools of rope "seconds".  Perfectly sturdy jute, and all full spools, from a good quality rope maker.  They had some small aesthetic issues that kept them from being able to be sold as normal. And so, this friend started passing the spools around.  One to Kitty, one for Pyre, and apparently, one for me. During the first span of lockdown, I had thought about learning to self tie.  I was drawn to the idea of learning the skill as a challenge for myself, and as something fun to do.  I however, had no rope. Here I was now though, with a whole spool, needing to be cut, finished, and treated.  Requiring all the work that riggers would need for a full kit, rather than newer rope tops, who would normally opt for something lower maintenance, or at least getting something fully treated. It's interesting thought,  cutting it down myself, and learning to finish the ends.  I'm going through and whipping them in different colors

 Over the course of summer, I found that even though I was spending time with people, my dysmorphia was more often than not acting up an incredible amount.  Once the summer was done, and I was dealing with things home as well, my body image plummeted, dealing with all the tics brought on by real dysmorphia. I'm sure it didn't help that over the summer I started to feel like an obligation, and even if sex wasn't happening, treated like there was no attraction at all.  No words or gestures to help me fight the voices in my brain, even tiny ones.  And because my brain only overthinks once it starts going, there was no real way for me to dig myself out at a certain point, especially after telling Kitty how much small gestures help, and having none. Now that I'm taking things into my own hands again, and trying to make better habits, it's giving me the time to quiet the bad thoughts, and start to create the space for better ones.  Even a week and a half in, I am noticing

 At the end of summer, something happened that changed a lot of things for Kitty.  It caused him to be rather upset for a few days while I was there, but also made it so that Pyre had the chance to stay with him a bit longer.  The thing was, we didn't know the timeline on that change. Because it's me, my mind started in on quite a few ideas.  Having the chance to take advantage of these change of plans, and create some things that would potentially make the polycule as a whole happy.  I didn't tell anyone though, because things were in the air. Unfortunately, now I won't get to. That timeline is coming to an end soon, and it's causing a lot of shake up on things.  Pyre is a bit of a mess trying to juggle everything going on, and making a plan to get out.  And likewise, I now need to be aware that the chances I have to travel down there are probably no longer an option. And while I know I can get by without these things, and that I don't need time out with people

 Last week, I grabbed an app to track what I eat, and my exercise.  I was curious what it would do for me, if I went into it telling myself that I wouldn't remove anything from my diet, but see how it influenced me overall. It's making me more aware of my movement during the day, and encouraging me to do at least a bit of something every day.  I'm also noticing that I enjoy logging everything in.  It makes me feel like even if I forget some parts of my day, there's still something I completed, and that it's meant to help me be a better, healthier me. I'm more mindful of what I'm eating as well.  It's not stopping me from things, but it's encouraging me to only eat when I'm actually hungry, and removing all the little bits and snacks throughout the day that I was making excuses for.  It's already had an effect on how my body feels, and how I think it looks as well.  Not massive, and it's that start of change thing that happens, but it'