A New Devious Chapter

 Coming into this year, I'm trying to be realistic about a lot of things.  I want to do more, don't get me wrong, but I also want to be aware of the state of the world and what can be done safely. Most importantly, I want to work on the things I can control, and that's me. I want to hold myself accountable for things, in a way that builds positivity, and doesn't feel like something that will sink into guilt over time. Likewise, I want to do more of the things that I know will benefit me in the long run.  Seeing people, making space for others, forming connections, and loving freely, and maybe not entirely logically all the time. I'm creating a project to help myself learn to be more body-neutral, and maybe by the end of the year body-positive.  I want to force myself to take a selfie every day, for at least this month, and at least one a week has to be some form of nude.  I want to play with creativity, so I'm not taking the same photo every time.  I want at lea

 I want to end this year with something that I've been thinking about a lot lately.  Especially with what I spoke about last time in regards to Felix, I've been doing a lot of contemplating on the concepts of relationship anarchy. Realistically, this is something I've been doing for years.  Just in having the dynamic I do with Lux, where we are happily cultivating our own sort of relationship, without the usual expectations and steps like cohabitation and the like.  We've instead focused on doing what's healthiest for us both, so that we can be sure that whatever we're doing is best for us in the long run. I love unique relationships.  Things that are free of the normal ideas of how partnership is shaped, and instead created based on the needs and resources of those involved.  I love letting things shape themselves organically, without putting someone into a pre-labeled box. When everyone knows they have their own form of relationship, it helps create a space fr

 Last month had that one week of the year where I keep losing people.  The anniversary of Frankie, and numerous others. And while I was doing my rewatch of Buffy, I got to the musical episode.  Something I had been looking forward to from the moment I decided to do the rewatch.  It didn't quite work as intended though.  What started off as me singing along loudly, quickly turned into a thought spiral.   Last year, Felix passed away.  Right in the beginning of the pandemic, when it was one thing and another, without the time to process any of it.  And as much as I made some comments about him when it would come up in conversation, I never really took the time to sit with losing him.  Suddenly, I was singing along to something he and I shared together.  We would randomly full songs together, had plans to do with that episode, and felt true joy when singing together.  And in a moment, I went to gleeful, to confronting the fact that I would never sing any of it with him again.  That al

 About a month ago now, I finally had some time to have Zero over for the birthday fire we had planned to have in the summer.  It wound up being a long evening with him and his spouse, who no one is terribly fond of.   And every time I see him lately, I realize more and more how little growth he's done. He's on medical marijuana now, and claiming it's made him all better.  But he's still not doing anything he knows he should until he's told that he has to.  It's made it not so he has an urge to do better, but made him happy with complacency.  He traded drinking as a coping mechanism with one a doctor told him was ok, and telling himself that it's fixed everything. I also took the time to look at his relationship.  His spouse has only become more and more of an empty human.  She has zero interests that aren't ones he had first, and all of those are things she barely touches.  To top it off, anything she does she has minimal skill with, but thinks she'

 The last two weeks have been an absolute whirlwind, on all fronts. Squishy has been getting dental work done while with the gnome, and not only was it causing her to lose days of school, but the orthodontist has been doing things to her that make zero sense, and even less when I actually go to look up more about the process.  Because the gnome is sucked into having some manner of procedure done on himself, he's been avoiding talking to me so I can tell him to take her to just remove everything and be done. On top of that, we had two major holidays in two weeks.  Thanksgiving was simple, and fairly quiet, but with that start a week of complete madness.  The following days meant prepping for Channukah, putting up the Christmas decorations, getting gifts wrapped, the cookiepocalypse, cookie boxes, and a hundred other things.  I've been responsible for the vast majority of it, with Squishy only being more difficult every day, my father screaming at everyone constantly in an openly

 Something interesting about my talk with Lux about No Nut November, was that I had recently had some slightly related conversation with Puppy a week or so prior.  We were in the process of sort of updating mental notes on each other, and seeing what may have changed, and so I needed to start the conversation about how I don't get anything from, and don't often cum. I've talked about it a handful of times here before, but it's always a conversation that I need to have with others, because it's so far from what would be considered normal. And that was made apparent by his response.  Saying that he was still going to try, because he wanted to have a bar to aim for, seemed in and of itself to miss the mark.  And no matter how much I told him, he seemed intent on that being his goal (and also that he was going to satisfy my constantly wanting sex, which, I know how that's always ended in the past with others). It took me just telling him to set the goal at having fu

 While normally I would use this week to talk about all the things I'm grateful for over the course of the year, I had an entertaining conversation that made me realize something a couple of weeks back that fits here instead. One of those things I should have realized was a sign towards my gender was that most of my friends were guys growing up.  Once I hit about nine years old, the balance slowly shifted from having an all female friend group, to only having one or two friends who were girls, and all the rest were boys.  Likewise, as I got older, and went and did more, I wound up forming friendships with guys who were older. And yes, my parents went through the overly paranoid phase of thinking they would all take advantage of me, or use me for ulterior motives within a month or so of being friends.  That they were all going to hurt me, and were dangerous, and weren't actually friends.  But then they stuck around.  Not only that, but I took a role of being the guiding voice of