A New Devious Chapter

I have no problem at this point saying that Thrax was abusive, neglectful, and an all around asshat.  He would constantly tell me how he wanted to play with, and fuck other girls, then tell me I wanted too much sex and play.  And by too much, it meant any at all.  We almost completely stopped playing once we were actually dating, and even though I would ask, and express interest, without it being constant, he would constantly make excuses, and tell me I was being irritating.  Every so often to shut me up, he would throw my cuffs on me, and do something outside of out broken record of sex, which usually just meant me bending over the bed instead of being on top. Needless to say, this had me feeling more undesirable than usual, neglected, and lonely.  I felt like shit in regards to how he wanted to play with everyone else but me. I mentioned last week about how Lux has had trouble kicking himself in the ass enough to quit hiding from play.  It'd been a really long time since we'

I read on another blog recently, the finer points of the phrase "Because I said so" in regards to power exchange.  While I could tell what he was talking about, there was a lot of reiteration of the same points, and talking in circles. However, it immediately made me think of how that phrase is a great way to look at the differences between the power exchange I had with Thrax, and what I have now with Lux. Thrax ran his dommypants attitude with "Because I said so".  He just figured being the domly person was a way to get me to say and do whatever he wanted, regardless of my comfort, who I was, or how I felt, and then not have to do anything about it.  He'd ignore everything I said most of the time, until it was what he wanted to hear, or try to reprimand me for not giving him the desired answer to questions. It was childish.  Like the beast stomping her feet saying she didn't want to eat what I'd given her because I put butter on it instead of tomato

When it comes to normal play, especially of a nonsexual sort, I lean incredibly heavily toward the top side of things.  I want to be the one to illicit the screams of another, and have fun tearing someone up. When it comes to sex though, at the very least in my past, I've fallen into more of the role of a bottom with partners, and it's something I questioned for a long time.  I've found that I'm much more of a sadomasochist when it comes to sex.  I equate force with desire, and direct physical force most specifically.  It's definitely where my primal orientation kicks in.  When I've been with submissive men, and we're fooling around, they'll ask me what I want them to do, and it's seriously the biggest turn off ever.  I'll take control and speak up if I want something specific, but otherwise, I just want to work on instinct.  If someone feels the need to ask what to do, or feels like they need to be gentle, it reads to me that they don't wa

I know I post a lot about how things are so much different now than when I was with Thrax, but here's another post, so you just have to deal with it. Thrax had a lot of extraneous rules for me.  Things like where to walk when out with him, having to hand him money so he could pay for things, and lots of random little stuff that really served no purpose. And, it really just made me not want to follow any of the little rules he had.  The ones of basic respect of course, but the ones that felt like he was just waving his dick around I had no interest in.  It felt like that was all he cared about, on the rare occasion he even acknowledged our dynamic.  To the point where he'd really only do so if he was trying to get me to answer him in the way he wanted, whether the answer be honest or not. So, while Lux and I were snuggled up last time I saw him, I brought up that I have no actual rules, but a lot of things that I treat like rules.  He agreed, and said that he was fine with th

I've made a lot of progress in getting over the shit that Thrax put me through.  Things that I knew were because of him, and others that I hadn't considered have all levelled out. Apparently though, there are still some things that hadn't been settled, and I had to deal with completely in person to find out they were there. On a more simple end, the pipe I mentioned on Sunday.  I'm so used to  ignored, and never getting random gifts.  To see others being given things that I showed interest in, and being dismissed.  Actually receiving a surprise gift had completely left my mind as a possibility.  It was such an amazing and happy surprise to receive even such a simple gift. On a more serious, and slightly less pleasant note, I discovered something that I'd never even thought would be an issue. While I was with Thrax, the vast majority of the time we had the same routine broken record of sex that lasted about ten minutes from the first thought to being finished.  T

I notice a lot of popularity in the scene tends to be around people finding space where they become someone else.  Age regression, Pet spaces, and other forms of dehumanization seem to be everywhere lately, and I'm never quite sure how I feel about it. I know every case is different, but I never know whether to look at it more as having to remove themselves from a situation to embrace sexuality, or that they are so comfortable with themselves that they can be someone else as well. I know that personally, I could never do it.  When it comes to my sexuality, and even switching, I'm always me.  I have to be.  I could be snuggled up with Lux, fixing him coffee, and kneeling at his feet, while giving tasks to another submissive, and never once feel confused or lose myself in the process. I've got a lot of self confidence issues (surprise!) that may have become less apparent, or even barely existent over the years, but have impacted my sexuality as a whole.  I need to know

I've mentioned previously that Lux and I had started accepting the accidental dynamic that fell into place between us.  It's only been a step at a time, and carefully at that, knowing that he is still off kilter from his last relationship, and all the shit I dealt with while with Thrax.  We've had no real problems thus far, making sure to take care of each other along the way, and maintaining a good balance. In person, it's smooth.  Like a well oiled machine, it just works.  Lux is often the one to feel off at points, and with plenty of snuggles and reassurance, we're both back to a happy exchange. When we're apart (which has been more often than not lately) we text through the day, and occasionally, the exchange becomes more apparent between us.  He refers to me as his slave (and that possessiveness honestly makes me just want to snuggle in with him and squee) and I call him master in response, because he does make me feel all safe and content.  I feel at p

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I've recently been thinking about some of the things I thought I simply wasn't capable of as far as sex and play had been concerned.  Not my limits mind you, but just certain scenarios that I didn't think I could ever deal with due to my past, and how it would affect me now. Thrax and the gnome left me pretty heavily fucked up about a lot of things.  Between rape, being put down for my sex drive, being told my asking to play every few months was pushy and too forceful for a slave it didn't leave me in the best mental shape. Then add in the lies, disregard for my well-being, attempts at manipulation, and totally ignoring what I'd clearly asked of them.  It adds to that pile. I was at a point a year ago where I couldn't imagine co-topping ever again, submitting to any real extent, having someone else present while I topped someone, or having another girl as a third in any way, or my being a third. And it's been a year, I've had a lot of good

My relationship with Thrax was my first venture into an open relationship.  We saw how well that went though... Most of my relationships prior the other person had demanded, or needed monogamy.  And we know how most of those went as well. Oh well, those aren't what this post is about, so fuck them.  Or don't, more appropriately. When Thrax and I first started opening up our relationship, every girl we knew started contacting me about how I could let him fuck someone else and be OK about it. I gave them all the same explanation. So long as things are taken care of at home, I don't care what extra curricular stuff goes on.  So long as I know I still belong in the spot I'm in, and nothing changes between myself and my significant other, it is their decision to take on other partners.  I just want to know that I am still desired, cared for, and at the end of the day, they think of me as they go to sleep, even if in someone else's bed. I'm not the type of p

I tend to hang out with a circle of people who don't quite follow the societal norms.  We're all a bit mad in our own way, have our own issues, and are the misfits that have come together as family. Not to mention that I don't quite run with the most normal hobbies, which comes with it's own crowd of different. However, with all the people I find in these circles, there are a few things I always find about myself that might seem to be more socially acceptable, but make me feel like the odd one out.  They're not anything big, or that impact me really in any way, but it certainly becomes noticeable, and surprises everyone when they find out. First, I'm straight, and that confuses everyone I tell it to. Sure, I can look at a girl and say she's hot.  I'll poke my female friends in the boobs, or the ass, just to giggle over it.  I'm not homophobic in the slightest (most recently proven by doing everything short of grabbing a boy's head and smo

Now that May is almost over, instead of just banking a ton of entries, I can give a real update. So, my life this month. Got to dance at Spring Caravan, and do a set with all the feels. Finished crocheting a full size blanket, and it is warm and squishy and amazing. Camped, and performed at West Windsor for the first time. Saw a ton of friends. Had sex with Lux.  A lot. Had to compromise with Lux about where he can hit me when I have a performance, so I can cover it up. Did a lot of drawing. Enrolled at Hogwarts.  No, seriously.  I'm doing homework for seven classes. Talked myself out of taking a lot of nudes, because while my dysmorphia is quieter, it's not gone. Helped my folks get ready for their trip out to Chicago. Got a fix of new Dresden Files. Played with chain mail, and learned new weaves. Pouted at Lux, because I wanted more sex. Got pissed off at the gnome. Officially stopped thinking about Thrax most days.  When I do, it's mostly that I feel o

A bit of a warning, this will be a rambling coredump of thoughts, and might take a bit of reading over to process completely. A year ago I was not me. I had no confidence in myself, no inspiration, and felt like the biggest failure in the world.  I was in an absolute rut that I had no idea how to get out of, and I hated it.  To top it off, I was in a relationship that had me feeling lower and lower all the time, like I was being used, and just a convenient afterthought. Ten months ago Thrax dumped me over the phone, not listening to a word I said, and giving his usually myriad of excuses through the thing.  I could tell he just couldn't remember his stories, and while I was torn apart, and needed some kind of static aspect to my life as I made the decision to change everything else, this couldn't have been better for me. I remember hating the idea of it.  Fighting it being the truth, even though I knew all the bullshit I had been through.  Having crying fits, and

I fear stagnation.  In every aspect of my life. I need regular change, and break from any routine.  I don't want any part of my life to become so predictable that I can walk myself through myself through my day. It's why I cycle through so many different art mediums.  I don't want to burn out on any of them, so I will jump from one to another, to keep myself inspired, and in love with all of them. I need adventure.  To leave the house, and wander the woods, or something away from home, even just for an hour. New recipes, things to learn, all aspects of life need change and evolution. Including sexy time. I hate the idea of sex being the same.  Considering all the kink I'm into (And I in no expect one partner to share every kink that I do) sex should never become routine. However, my last two relationships both had sex stagnate into the same five minute script.  To the point where I could almost tell where my exes hands would move, how their breathing would

After so many posts about the workings of my brain lately, it's time for a real world update. I've moved out of the apartment with Thrax.  I couldn't stand being there anymore, with him either ignoring me, being an ass, moments of being apologetic, and hearing how insecure his girl is.  I have moved back in with my parents (I know, I said I wouldn't) because three weeks of not talking to them was a reality check that they needed. They're actually being encouraging, though my father is still fairly clueless about my life.  It's not something I'm surprised about, but so far they're being much better than they ever have been. I'm also swamped with projects, be it sewing, drawing, crochet, or chain maille.  I love being able to hop between mediums, and stay inspired to work on all of it.  April is entirely devoted to getting through as much as possible, because I've got quite a few performances in May. Being back here also lets me start teach

So, I'm typing this fresh from Lux leaving the apartment.  It won't get posted for a week, but I'll explain that later.  I want to type up about the last couple days while it's all vivid still. This is the first Valentine's day I've had single in a very long time.  While it didn't get me down, it was still a little odd to think about.  Thrax would be at work, and then leaving as soon as possible to go to PA, so I'd be completely alone for most of the day. Well, Lux is also slightly more recently single.  A while back he had mentioned that he was upset that I was leaving before Valentine's, and when I asked, he said I would have made a good distraction from all the emotional stuff that he'd be likely dealing with. Then I wound up staying, and took this job upon myself to be his distraction.  I didn't think of it much, up until the night before.  However would I keep a hot sadist with a sex drive as high as my own distracted throughout th

For those of you who know me, or kept up with my old blog, you have an idea of what has happened, and who I am. If not, I'll get around to an introduction later. Last weekend was supposed to be my going away party.  I had planned to go to Colorado earlier this week, and do body piercing, and spend time with other friends, and dance, and get into shape for the military. I went up to the frozen north, to spend the last weekend I would have in Jersey with my true family.  The people I have found, and who have stuck around, and shown themselves to truly care about me.  I had also invited a friend, Lux, up too.  He's a newer addition to my life, but he's proven himself to be a good one, and I felt like he needed to meet my family, because he would fit in well. The whole weekend was wonderful.  I got to run around and have little silly adventures, watch shows we all love to nerd over, beat on each other with latex weapons, and get everyone so much more drunk than they int