A New Devious Chapter

As I said a while ago, Lux and I haven't had very much chance for real beatdowns very often.  We've had small moments of violence, but in general, most of my play has been with others, and making plans to play with them. While we were in the dungeon, we listened to all the moans and sexy sounds of play going on.  Lux commented at one point that while everyone else was doing that, I was giggling.  Giggling, and using all of those endorphins from our play to process that pain going on and stay aware. Because I've been playing with other people, I had trained myself not to relax and just enjoy play, but process it in a way that I could be clear and communicative and pay attention to what is happening with them. I couldn't relax and let it build into happy floaty feelings, let myself just enjoy, because I've needed to watch what is going on as someone learns about me. Except that Lux knows me.  He knows what I can take, and I know I can trust him. I remember w...

If you can't tell by now, camp had a lot of people trying to figure me out over time. Lux is very obviously just a top and a domly person, and no one questioned that when we got there. However, when we first showed up, people just thought I was another submissive there with a domly dom, all quiet and awkward. And then I started having those conversations about how I go about things that Lux isn't into.  The sort of safe details that only someone who has topped those things for a while would do. They got the idea I was a switch, but then those ideas started rolling in their heads.  Do Lux I and I switch?  What things do I even do?  How much knowledge, and how careful am I? And from there I noticed a lot more people talking to me.  No longer was I someone who just took what Lux dished out.  I was now someone to figure out.  I talked a lot more about safety in things I do than just listing off what I enjoy.  When people heard about how much...

It's been a long time since I've gotten to top someone.  Long enough that I forgot that being a sadist is a big part of who I am.  In no way have I been unhappy just being a bottom for Lux, and a couple other friends, but I just haven't had that chance to really lay into people for a while.  At camp, I found that part of my mind waking up.  Discussions of how I do knife play, cutting, and my own personal strength.  It caused confusion about me, and Lux and I (again, to be discussed soon) but made me think about myself more as a top again.  I gained a lot more confidence in talking about being a sadist, and it helped me open up a lot. While working on Pyre's back, and seeing everyone else there wanting me to hurt them, I found myself feeling way more like I wanted to top again.  To feel the wake up of wanting to beat everyone up, rather than simply being quiet and uninterested. At some points I even offered to beat up Pyre proper.  I think if...

One of the things that I had had to deal with quite a bit as camp went on was people assuming the chain I wear every day was a collar to Lux. Part of my normal jewelry is a piece of elfweave chain I made that fits like a choker.  It was probably the most difficult chain I ever made when I started on it, but it looks complex and pretty, so I wear it every day. And being where we were, a lot of people assumed it was a collar.  That either Lux had made it, or we had gotten it made as a symbol of our exchange. I corrected them over most of the weekend.  Saying that I had made it myself, and it was simply a fun project that I like wearing.  It left a lot of people confused as to our dynamic, but I think that'll be covered in the future. Just before we left, as I was showing Lux the new toys I got, a couple we had talked to on and off was there, and I had to explain that they were for me to use, rather than just him.  They were suddenly drawn toward the idea o...

I'm back from my first Fusion, and feeling better about it the longer I look at it.  There was good and bad, and the event was very different for both Lux and I just due to how we kept somewhat different schedules with my having classes to manage and all. Lux came in from Austin where he was training for his new job.  He showed up at my doorstep in a suit, and if we didn't have a two hour drive ahead of us, that suit would have been a mess shortly after seeing him. The ride was fairly uneventful, with the exception of us making the same mistake we always do when we make a trip west.  We will inevitably do the same thing in a month come Pennsic. Getting there, I got a very similar feeling to Pennsic, but on a much smaller scale.  It felt comfortable, and despite everything, I had no problem walking around Fusion by myself at night. Thursday Lux met Pyre for the first time, and I met a bunch of the fire team.  While awkward at first, they let me open up by...

This is my last post that I prepped before heading to Fusion, and since I'm writing this up so close to going, I've had plenty of time to talk about, and think about the event prior to, and all the emotions leading up to it. Lux and I have talked several times about our feelings in regards to camp.  We've had a lot of issues with registrations and such given my being staff, and Lux being... called dibs on as a strong pretty menfolk helper.  It's been a bit of frustration, but not something that can slow us down. We're both excited.  It's a new thing for us both, we each have plans, and are getting to see people and do things we haven't in a while.  We are used to going to events together, and each doing our own thing, and making sure to spend time with the other.  It's something we've just been able to do, and that works really well for us.  We're also worried.  It being so new, we don't quite know how this event will work for us in par...

I had a question put in my mind the other day, that I realized is something I hadn't had to put much thought into before. As someone Agender, am I trans? A lot of people put nonbinary genders into the same category as trans.  That anything that isn't cisgender falls under that umbrella.  The idea that trans just means not matching your identity given at birth. I'm not sure if I like that though.  It doesn't give transgender people a real identity, but simply says they can fall anywhere on this scale.  And for people who are very solidly on one end of that scale, it does them a disservice. So I look at that scale, from masculine to feminine, with male and female underneath, to show how you may match that birth assignment. I'm ok with saying I'm female, and female bodied.  I don't feel like that defines me, though it does affect me.  Many people treat tiny females with a specific expectation, and that's just their first impression of anyone.  J...