A New Devious Chapter

I often have to encourage Squishy to speak up for herself, especially at home.  My parents follow that old mindset that they have say over people younger than them, and don't need to ever consider them ever. It's caused a ton of issues with Squishy's comfort and appearance, which I have needed to help with in secret more than I should have to admit to. The other morning, my mom, who is a hairdresser, called Squishy in while she was getting ready for school, saying there was something she wanted to do with Squishy's hair.  I knew it would likely be something she didn't like, just out of past experience.  A moment later, I heard Squishy asking about it, and my mom making statements like "I want this here" and "If you don't do this, I'm just going to cut your hair off".  And it's unfortunate, because they are so heavily ignorant to their own abuse that I can't speak up without also being targeted.  If I tell them that she needs

Overall, my trip up to see Lux was good.  We were busy in many ways, and there was a lot of difficult things going on.  It meant that in general it wasn't the most relaxing trip we've ever had, and that we didn't get through some of the things we had intended to do.  It was good to have that time though, and I'm still glad we got to have the week together. Near the end of the week though, I had to deal with some stuff that was far more difficult than Lux had expected it to be for me.  I couldn't talk about it at the moment because I just didn't have the words, and it has hard for me to bring up afterwards. A situation that makes me feel helpless.  Like there's too many things counting against me.  It makes me feel like a burden, even though I know I'm not.  Like I'm not worth having around due to how difficult I make things. And I know all that isn't true, but it doesn't keep the thoughts from living in my mind. There are times, when

I will preface this by saying that my cycle is incredibly reliable.  More often than not, I can predict well beforehand the exact day that my period will start, and feel comfortable with it. Nearly a week before I was due to leave for Lux's place, I was expecting to start my period.  I was right on time the month before, and hadn't had anything happen that would make me worry about it. Well, I started having symptoms, and it seemed like it would be on time. Until it wasn't. And while I wasn't seriously worried, I still panicked mentally more than I should have.  Until I realized my period is an asshole. Where I had planned for my period to be done the day I was travelling north, instead it first made it's appearance that day. Because it's an asshole. And while I know that having my period is not the end of the world, it certainly would have made this week easier.  Due to it being late my cramps were worse than usual, it fucked over my

A week ago, I was talking to Lux early in the morning.  I had been in a poor brain space, but was saying that I would do better that day, because I could make sure I was more packed, and had a ton to do in general.  I was getting Squishy ready for her last day of school before her break started, and talking about random things.  I looked at her and asked if when I travel I should look like a business goth, or super goth.  She answered super goth, and I told Lux about her answer. He didn't agree, saying that he noticed that he is treated significantly better when he dressed up to travel.  I told him that if I was flying, I would absolutely agree with him, because I would need to deal with the higher security.  With buses and trains however, I needed to look far less inviting.  When I travel people look at how small I am, and how young I look, and decide from there that I can be spoken for.  I've had men think they can try something with me on the trains, and needed to pull

I know I said things would calm down after last month. I lied. In the last two weeks or so I've been completely insane with everything going on.  Two birthdays to prep for, one holiday (more on that soon) to get everything ready for, and keeping Squishy prepped for a ton of things in school now that her school year is winding to a close soon.  Art for books is being done, writing for my first cook book finally, crochet prep for Fusion, practicing dancing with swords, and a thousand other things. I feel like every day lately is a mad rush to see what I can actually fit into the day.  At the same time, I'm trying to juggle being present and giving people plenty of time, which I will always prioritize, because I would want them to do it for me if I needed it. It's a whirlwind, to say the least. Luckily, today is Easter, and while on one hand that means a lot of what I've done is now being utilized and I get to enjoy it, it also means that today after dinner, I ge

Last Fusion post for a couple weeks.  I think.  I can't actually promise that. Anyway. While making some plans to play with people at Fusion, one of the things that I noticed was that the majority of my friends tend to be top leaning.  This means, that when they either ask me to play, or I approach them, most of those people are asking me to bottom. And, I found this a little disappointing.  Every time I was asked to be a stationary bottom for a scene, it just made me wish I had more opportunity to top.  It reminded me how much I enjoy being a sadist, and that I wanted more chances to play with that. Mind you, I do get a ton of enjoyment from the play I have with Lux, or even with Kitty on the chance that it happens.  I have no problem being a bottom during that play, because that's the dynamic we've built, and what I enjoy from it. But with other people, in situations I haven't built yet, I want more opportunities to be actively topping in scenes. I've

Like I said before, Lux and I have been discussing a lot about our dynamic, and how we want it to evolve.  And with conversation about our power exchange, and things that have happened, Lux had mentioned knowing that there is a difference between slave and submissive. Which, even after more than five years, we never actually talked about that difference.  Much like the rest of our dynamic, we kind of just fell into something, and it happened.  And so, we decided it was something else to talk on. Lux simplified it to a slave being a continuous thing, and a submissive being something that only occurs during sex or play. I recognized that there are submissives who have a continuous dynamic though, and had to figure out how to explain it. I found that I had to look at a submissive as someone who is continually submissive.  Someone who is powerless and passive to their domly person (obviously with the exception of actual issues).  A slave has more blanket rules, and lives by