A New Devious Chapter

When we decided to go to this leather bar, Dansa made a big deal about getting sort of dressed up for it.  She situated herself in layers and harnesses and all manner of things.  I on the other hand, dressed fairly normally for me, in some slightly masculine leaning goth stuff.  In no way was it meant to be seen as sexy, or attention grabbing like she had chosen. While we were there, and she was constantly making her comments that I had mentioned last time, I would often giggle.  As I would turn around in the space, or go walking across the rooftop, I would catch people looking.  And not the normal looks I get due to how I dress.  Obviously looking up from checking out my butt, or looking interested. I kept laughing to myself, because while I have a very feminine body shape, and definitely wasn't trying to pass as male, all those guys who normally are about using their sexual contact toward women as a status symbol were checking me out.  I was reminded of all the times Lux a

While up in the city, Dansa and I went to a memorial for a friend who had passed away just before camp.  I had wanted to go to support the people there, and hear the stories, and share some time learning about a person who I didn't have enough time with. This memorial also happened to be in a leather bar.  We had the upper bar before it opened, and then we would have the upstairs as a cigar lounge afterwards.  So after listening and hugging, and remembering so many things, the bar was actually open, with music playing, and other people being allowed in. And so, as we made our way up to the top floor, I kept hearing Dansa making comments about how wonderful the bar was because of all the topless men, and the gay porn playing on the tvs all around. I was very clearly reminded of the comments she had made about Lux, where she had plainly stated that she wasn't attracted to him until she had a pansexual partner, and then wanted to see them together.  Her fetishization of gay

Initially, I was supposed to spend last weekend up with Lux.  We had talked about throwing a birthday party, and I would spend a week up with him.  I had to fight with the gnome to get him to listen to me, and not change plans he had promised to and take Squishy in the agreed upon time period.  Then, while at camp, Lux told me he was being sent away during that week.  Off to the UK, and far away from here, removing our original plans. When I mentioned it to my mom, she shoved the idea of me pestering him to bring me down my throat so much that I felt badly for even talking to her about it and thinking that might be a possibility.  Like always, she just assumed that I should take advantage of people, because it's what she does. And so I had to make new plans with a week free. Luckily Dansa hopped up to tell me to spend some time up at her place, and we would adventure about the city, and I would meet her pup, and we would have fun. So, I spent a long weekend up with her. 

With pride month happening a few weeks back, everything was covered in rainbows.  And while I have people I love and care about who do like to carry things with the normal pride colors on it, I myself don't really identify with that flag.  I am many, many things, but none of them include that rainbow of colors. With all the stores featuring pride merchandise, it made me think about how much I should make something of my own.  Something that obviously isn't going to a greedy corporation hopping on a train of popularity. It's a difficult thing though, with not being out to my parents or siblings.  Until I realized that I don't really care. So in the last week I've started making patches.  Big proud patches covering all the things I am.  There's a jacket I love that they'll all go onto, and if my parents take the time to look them up because they're curious, then I'm out to them, and they can deal with it.  If they come after me, I will just flat

As you can imagine, there was a lot after camp, some of which was simply things floating around in my brain. In the first couple of days back home, there was a lot being tossed around in my head.  After topping again, it kickstarted that part of my brain again, and hard.  Thinking about much more fun I had during that, than the impact scene I had with a friend.  About the new people I met and wanting to indulge in my sadist with them too.  Wanting to hit the point with someone where I have domly power exchange. It was a very odd part of my brain, where for a moment, I questioned being a switch.  Wondered if I was just a top with a high pain tolerance.  It was a weird point to process and think on, and something I hadn't thought about for a long time. And then I remembered those moments where I sat at Lux's feet, and felt his hands through my hair.  Those moments of happily acknowledging my place with him, and the power exchange we've built.  The safe floaty feelings I

One of my last afternoons at camp a friend walked into the cafe where I was having lunch.  She sat down, and we talked about how Lux and I were some of the only people who knew she was into kink that had met her in another circle because we shared multiple hobbies.  She said that she could tell looking at us that we had some manner of dynamic (though honestly, our power exchange is just about invisible to anyone but us) but I joked about the giant chain around her ankle being a bit obvious on our end. We spoke about how she isn't out in any other circles, and how she has trouble speaking to vanilla people because she has to keep this side a secret. And I didn't quite get it. I run in a ton of circles.  I have older vanilla friends, and find new vanilla people.  I often joke that I can't go anywhere or to anything without running into people I know. And to some of them I'm out, even if just in knowledge.  We however spend time together like any other peopl

I've spoken here previously about how little I need from partners.  In general, I need presence, basic respect, and consistency from words to actions. And, well, those are true, but apparently there's more to it than that.  Which of course, because it's me, I had to learn the hard way. I need a little more than just basic consistency.  That's important of course, but I need a bit more assurance than that.  Much like the small gestures of care I often talk about, and how much they mean to me, I need little physical gestures of attention to express affection, care, and desire. It's something that took a lot of self exploration, but I've figured it out. And, honestly, as much as I hate asking for anything, so even acknowledging that as a need is hard, is helpful to me.  I can think back to many times when a partner had shown heavy attention to others, and given me none to balance things out, and feeling hurt and almost abandoned. And I know that this is a