A New Devious Chapter

A while ago, I mentioned having a shock to my system of realizing how I viewed my body, and making changes to how I would go about things. Part of that in this particular case meant wearing different bras.  Specifically, wearing less structured bras.  I panicked mentally that I would look like an eight year old boy every day for the first couple of weeks, even though Squishy told me that it actually looked better than my normal bras. I was determined to not give up though, and have now gone over a month without wearing the super structured, and heavily shaped ones that I was previously.  I realized a few days ago, that mentally I've adjusted to the difference in how things look. I don't worry about looking completely flat anymore, and have actually started to like the more natural, less spherical shape that my other bras would provide.  I don't feel like there's a sudden visual shock when I remove my bra, which probably contributed to why I felt so flat before.

Last week, Zero checked in to see how I was doing with the lockdown.  We caught up a bit, made sure we were both ok, and then he asked if I had any free time for artwork.  Being between projects, I told him that I could potentially take something else on.  There were no other details yet. He then said that the deadline would ideally be a week later, but could be something for next year, because it was for his friend's birthday. And proceeded to tell me he wanted a full deck of many things from D&D, with all JoJo's Bizarre Adventure art.  That's 25 fully drawn and colored custom pieces of fanart, to a specific size, that would then need to be printed on a one off service. He just talked about it like it was a casual request.  Like I would be happy to put aside anywhere from 100-200 hours for something that would be a birthday present for someone else, like asking someone to pick up milk when they visit. You know what would have made me less angry about this, is a

While I was riding on those fumes after getting the news about Felix, I was grasping just to get through the day.  I went to shower before getting ready for bed, and while there, standing under the water with nothing other than my own thoughts, my brain went spinning.  And for some reason, it decided to focus on why out of everything else, I'm not really into a lot of verbal degradation.  It wasn't hard for me to figure out.  I get verbally and emotionally abused almost every day, by people who are supposed to care about me.  For as long as I can remember, and even in front of my child, I've been called everything in the book, over and again, without the option to say anything in return. I remember when I first explained how I'm treated to Kitty, and he looked at me while he was only 22 or so, and said that he was amazed I wasn't an addict.  That I wasn't taking drugs to try and get through the day with what they put me through.  And then top that off with y

The end of the first week of isolation with schools closed was hard.  Teachers were difficult, parents were worse, and Squishy wasn't helping. I was already mentally compromised, and running on fumes, but trying to keep chugging along.  And then I got a call to tell me Felix, who I've mentioned here, passed away.  It was definitely a death that hit me harder than the majority have in the past. Now that I've had a day to process, it's still weird, but I'm better.  It's still weird though, hitting that point where someone who was a partner of mine is gone.  That's something that I haven't yet had to figure out mentally. It feels very strange, losing someone who never lost their infatuation with you.  That unrequited love that we never did figure out exactly how to work around.  That awkward thing we worked around because of mutual friends, and genuinely wanting to be able to figure out a friendship that made us both happy. I realized that evening

I knew, after Pax that the next chance I would have to see Lux probably wouldn't be until Easter.  Usually I try to get up to see him if I can, because the last couple of years that's been the only time we see each other in the spring.  While I'm not happy about the long windows of distance, I'm prepared for it, and know we both need to take care of our own things in the meantime. But now, with the enforcement to stay indoors, and being told not to travel, I am noticing my touch starvation even more.  All I want is to curl up with Lux.  To have the time just with him and no plans that we don't often get.  It's difficult dealing with touch starvation here.  Especially given everything around me, and the toxic environment.  That every day is a fight.  And then add in that I am the type of person that knows how important getting out of the house is.  Adding in touch starvation makes it a thousand times worse. A lot of things are hard right now, but all I need

We're all being affected by COVID, and so I have a feeling my next few posts will have to do with that.  Squishy is homeschooling for at least two weeks.  It's a good thing I get everything done from home, and know how to do the work she's currently doing, so I can help her while trying to get things done myself. At first she was excited, and wanted me to lay out her day, do school work on the weekends, and all manner of things.  She has since woken up, and realized that this isn't playing school, but actually having to create her own sense of self-motivation, and buckle down to get through things.  She's losing steam as soon as she has anything that isn't a quick assignment, despite my making sure she has plenty of different things to do during the day. It's very different from how I was as a kid, and still am, as someone who wants to constantly get things done and accomplished.  I was the kind of kid who would have tried to knock out all the work giv

There's been a lot going on in my head since returning from Pax.  It's not all bad, but simply taking in everything that happens around me, and trying to give it all some time and exploration. I've had people wanting to make time for me.  People who appreciate my patience, and how it's given with only the smallest bit of presence in return. While at dinner one day, I asked Lux how much I was going to need to ask for in regards to us being covered for Fusion.  He said he wasn't sure about the event, and rather than having that disappointment over him not wanting to be there, my mind went elsewhere. I thought about how nice it was last year when he and I had a week that was figured out somewhat last minute, but we had very little plans.  We just enjoyed each other, were present when we could be, and had time we needed together.  We made that effort to give time.  And that means a lot to me.  I realized I need more from people than saying we'll go to an eve