A New Devious Chapter

While being holed up at home, I'm finding my mind wandering about different things.  And lately, again, the concept that if I could change anything knowing what I do now, would I? And, the more I think about it, the more I don't know either way.  Would I love to not have dealt with abuse?  Of course, but then how far do I go?  Some of my oldest memories are being manipulated and gaslit by my parents, normalizing that treatment, and being what led me to the shitty relationships I had before learning better.  And in that learning, taught myself how to communicate more clearly, and how to help cultivate a healthier relationship, whether it be friendship or with a partner. Do I avoid the gnome, who caused me to be homeless, threaten me to have a child I didn't want, endanger my health, trap me in an unsafe place, as well as rape me?  Would I then wind up with all the skills I've developed as a person, or meet the people who I keep in my life now? I feel like no matt

I worry about a lot of things through this.  I don't worry about all the economic bullshit, outside of small businesses surviving until everything opens back up again.  I don't worry about wanting things to open back up soon, because I would rather deal with one long shitty situation than seven shorter ones. I worry about mental health.  The rise of domestic violence that's already occurring.  The number of breakups and divorces due to people finally having to exist around each other, rather than being distracted by another person.  Suicide rates are going to rise. Squishy is still sad about how different things are, and it's making her day to day difficult.  My parents aren't coping at all.  My mom is eating so many sweets as a diabetic that it's giving her extra depression and anxiety symptoms, on top of her lack of stress management to the point where she's burst blood vessels in her eye. Something that's been the most noticeable to me though,

I started this lockdown ready to work out, and clean, and do a ton of things.  Even with Squishy being home, I was determined to do as much as I could, and be productive, while also having a kid home, and everyone else. And the first couple of weeks went pretty well.  I was doing solid exercise, did a deep clean on my room, and was a machine with drawing.  I felt like I could maintain it, and wasn't pushing too hard. Then around the third week, I just wasn't feeling it.  And I know part of it was because I was drained from no social contact.  I let physical activity slip, I was feeling burnt with art, and a ton of other things. The following weeks I've been trying to do lots of different things.  Make sure I have extra projects, do little bits of cleaning, and taking breaks from drawing.  I've started playing more video games, and even for just a couple of hours a day, it's helpful.  It's a small thing that helps me do something just for me, and doesn

A week or so ago, a group chat was made up to throw the idea out there of a game night with all of the fire team at camp.  We spent time connecting a bit, and all realized that in the lockdown, we've heard from each other more than we would have if things were normal.  We were all happy to have that supportive desire for connection and time. We picked a day, and I noticed an overlap with another friend who had a social thing happening.  However, this had many people, including partners that actively wanted to add me to their time.  As the week went on, I wound up setting up social time with a few more things, and was looking forward to all of it.  It just took six weeks for the extrovert to figure out how to be social in an apocalypse.  And then Friday night came, and Squishy had a little spa night.  Somehow, she went from being out of extra bath things, and fancy face masks, to having a surplus because Dansa sent her a ton by surprise.  At the same time, I spent a few minute

The other day, I got caught in a bit of a thought loop, that I'm still not quite able to get myself out of. What is the most accurate way for me to describe my sexual orientation? For years, I always just said I was straight.  Saying that I was female bodied, and attracted to male bodied people.  And that was fine for a long time, but even though my attraction hasn't changed, the reasoning may have.   Using that phrasing sounds trans-exclusionary, both for others, and myself.  It starts to sound like I would only be attracted to cis-men, and while I haven't met a transperson I have been sexually attracted to, it isn't off the table.  Likewise, from a societal perspective, it starts to invalidate my own gender, and creates the assumption that I am a ciswoman, which isn't true either. Were a gun pressed to my head, and forced to choose in the binary, I would say I'm a binary trans man every day.  That's not the most accurate thing for me either

The last couple of weeks have been a bit on the easier side, as we're all starting to learn how to cope and function in this lockdown situation.  There's still stress and things to deal with, but things are adjusting with time. Except my brain is apparently making sure to tell me about all the things that I do need, or are picking at me right now. This is something that stands out because normally, I don't dream.  Or at least I don't remember them.  There's only one or two times a year that I recall a dream when I wake up. I've had four in the last week or so. All very clearly telling me where things are actually at.  The first one involved someone I don't actually know, and I don't think it mattered that day.  However, I remember him hugging me despite the contact restriction.  I remember my surprise, then sneaking off to talk, and walking around holding hands.  And that feeling in my mind of just fingers entwined brought me so much peace in t

With us about a month into isolation, and not sure when it will end, I'm definitely feeling the effects.  So, I decided to think about all the things I want to do once it's safe to make plans and be with others again. I am going to koala on my partners so hard.  Full Master Blaster backpack koala. I want to finally run a game of Dread. Whatever local dumpy restaurants survive this, I want to try with people. Even if it's in my own yard, I want to have a fire, and share cigars and whiskey with friends. This will be the year I invite people over and finally watch the Matrix.  Because I'm the only person who hasn't seen any of them. On that note, I'm going to show Lux all the Jersey movies.  Half of them take place about two towns away from where he grew up. I want so much play time.  I don't care how intense, but I need that connection now more than ever. Play should also happen with friends too.  Not just the people I've done things with before