A New Devious Chapter

 Recently, I found a random post that I needed to keep open for a little while to just appreciate.  It was something that spoke about all the different types of intimacy, by listing all the little things that happen that do in fact count. And it made me happy, because as I navigate the possibility of not experiencing romance, seeing the various forms of connection and intimacy is incredibly important.  I've always held more appreciation for random smaller gestures, and how that builds relationships.   I remember while with the gnome, whenever he would try to have sex, he would claim he was trying to be intimate and romantic.  That was all that his idea was, and I think that's the norm.  That unless it's people doing things physically naked, it doesn't count. But intimacy exists in little moments.  In remembering little details about a person, or sharing stories.  Making your favorite recipes, or watching movies.  It exists when we sing poorly together, and hold hands, o

 A couple of weeks ago, Puppy was out to visit again.  There was a small ren faire at a nearby historic village, and we had rescheduled our session of D&D due to some conflicts.  When I asked around to who else was going, another friend, Rabbit, said he intended to be there.  I informed everyone that we'd be attending with Squishy in tow, because she was going to be home that weekend, and it was a plan. And that weekend, I got the reminder of how often I take the role of guide, and step up in whatever way is necessary.  The night before the faire, Puppy couldn't make a single decision about what we would do with the evening.  Because he's not as familiar with things in the area anymore, I tried throwing ideas at him that he hasn't known about, but he had the same approval of them all, rather than having one that jumped out.  Eventually I just told him to head to a place down the road that I knew he'd enjoy, as well as having to make the final decision on everyth

 There are some things, that I don't necessarily blame on being Agender, but might in part be a biproduct.  And some of those things are hard more often than not. Being AFAB means I means that people make assumptions and have expectations about any male friends I have.  Likewise, being far more masculine for as long as I can remember, means that I've had mostly guys as friends for as long as I can remember.  Possibly as an advantage of being AFAB, I've managed to make a lot of those friendships more intimate than would be expected from two cis-men, feeling more comfortable with sharing and providing support. It's been a wonderful thing in my life that I'm grateful for, getting to have those unique connections that many people never benefit from. But like all things, there's a balance.  In return, I wind up being something that a lot of women are threatened by.  Like people don't deserve more than one intimate relationship, even if it's platonic, and in n

 While I'm aware of a lot of things outside of the heteronormative space, it often takes the right example to have something make sense.  And while it took time for me to learn about my own polyamoury, lack of gender, and demisexuality, apparently there's still more to learn. After I last saw Puppy, he sent me an animation with someone coming out as Aromantic.  While I've been aware of it for the longest time, I didn't think that it was something that applied.  I've spoken about not enjoying most traditionally romantic things, but had always thought I was capable of romantic feelings.  I mean, I'd had relationships, felt attached to people, and the like. But watching this cartoon, more and more spoke out to me, and then I went looking on my own, and things started becoming clearer. I've never felt that sensation of butterflies and fireworks.  While capable of connection, everyone who I've ever been really attached to was an incredibly close friend first.

 It's been a year since I wrote that letter to Kitty.  A year to process losing one of the few people in my life that I've ever called my best friend.  Losing someone who was a rock of mine for so long, and seeing him disappear.  And that was the hardest part of it in many ways.  There wasn't something where we grew apart while having contact.  There was just that disappearance on his end (on top of other things) that made it so hard. And with having dealt with that for so long, as well as the silence after the letter (as I still haven't heard a word from him since Oct2020) it's apparently left its own obstacles for me. While I'm still incredibly patient with the important people in my life, and don't need a lot in the scale of things, I'm learning that little reassurances mean a lot.  Especially for the people I don't get to share space with often, little things like sending a link or a gif can be entirely comforting.  Sometimes though, I do still j

 Well, it finally happened.  After four years, the one vibrator I've had that actually worked for me died.  Through all the different shapes and types I had tried, just a simple mini wand was the one sort that actually elicited any response from me. It's not even that I used it terribly often.  Maybe once a week during the most frequent time period, and even that was only for a month or so.  And I did find that about a year ago the motor had started dying, and the battery didn't last nearly as long.  Despite that, it was an inexpensive experiment that lasted me several years, and did the job it needed to. Now that it's gone though, I'm left trying to figure out if I want to replace it or not.  And on that matter, with knowing that there is an amount of bludgeoning that my external genitals can enjoy, would I get the same thing, or upgrade to a more expensive brand.  Knowing how many toys did nothing for me, spending more with the risk of it being a complete failure

 Recently, there was a night where Puppy couldn't get to sleep, and it wasn't yet my normal bed time, so we were chatting.  We were talking about a handful of things from when we were young, and I was explaining about how it has affected how I view people in my life now, because of the poor examples and situations I had growing up.   As a response, rather than saying he's grateful that I've learned to put so much care into people who are decent to me now, or that I've figured out how to navigate things in a healthier way than I'd been taught by my family, he made a comment that had me go off on him a little.  He just said that he was hoping that while he and I have a friendship, he manages to put more of his optimism into my life, because he thinks I deserve.  And he's often commented about how I should just find something to be happy about because he doesn't like me being upset, on several occasions before this. Which put me solidly in the camp that I c