A New Devious Chapter

 It happens every spring, or at least it did, until the pandemic first hit.  I go from one or two things, until close to Easter, and then I barely have time to breathe. And this May, is right back to that.  Puppy asked if he could crash here in order to make Mother's day easier, and while I'd hit a point where things were difficult on my end, I told him I would be busy, but he was welcome.  It wound up actually being a decent time, and while I still need to have a serious talk with him (which will hopefully happen after he's here again this weekend) it definitely made me feel better about keeping him as a decent friend. Also, we tried a thai place nearby, and it was fantastic. This coming weekend we're going to a new renn faire that some friends of mine are performing at.  It'll be a long adventure, but one that I'm looking forward to after years without going to one. The one weekend I was supposed to have free, I found something interesting that I sent to Rabbi

Initially, I had wanted to go see Lux over Squishy's spring break.  It's been an incredibly long time since I've seen him, and it would be worlds easier to navigate how we want things to work going forward if we could talk in person.   However, that didn't happen.  He was busy with work, and hasn't been the best with communication, and so it just sort of didn't. And that was incredibly anxiety inducing.  Sitting in limbo with a sensation similar to how I was left in a void with Kitty.  And while I'm very well sure that it isn't the same situation, and won't work out the same, it still had the same taste, and didn't make things any easier. Upon realizing I wasn't going to make it down to see him though, I tried to make more plans in order to utilize the time that I had.  Even one of those didn't come to fruition, but I did get Rabbit out here for a night away so that he could relax.   And not only did he need it, but it was definitely a go

 Recently, I found a random post that I needed to keep open for a little while to just appreciate.  It was something that spoke about all the different types of intimacy, by listing all the little things that happen that do in fact count. And it made me happy, because as I navigate the possibility of not experiencing romance, seeing the various forms of connection and intimacy is incredibly important.  I've always held more appreciation for random smaller gestures, and how that builds relationships.   I remember while with the gnome, whenever he would try to have sex, he would claim he was trying to be intimate and romantic.  That was all that his idea was, and I think that's the norm.  That unless it's people doing things physically naked, it doesn't count. But intimacy exists in little moments.  In remembering little details about a person, or sharing stories.  Making your favorite recipes, or watching movies.  It exists when we sing poorly together, and hold hands, o

 A couple of weeks ago, Puppy was out to visit again.  There was a small ren faire at a nearby historic village, and we had rescheduled our session of D&D due to some conflicts.  When I asked around to who else was going, another friend, Rabbit, said he intended to be there.  I informed everyone that we'd be attending with Squishy in tow, because she was going to be home that weekend, and it was a plan. And that weekend, I got the reminder of how often I take the role of guide, and step up in whatever way is necessary.  The night before the faire, Puppy couldn't make a single decision about what we would do with the evening.  Because he's not as familiar with things in the area anymore, I tried throwing ideas at him that he hasn't known about, but he had the same approval of them all, rather than having one that jumped out.  Eventually I just told him to head to a place down the road that I knew he'd enjoy, as well as having to make the final decision on everyth

 There are some things, that I don't necessarily blame on being Agender, but might in part be a biproduct.  And some of those things are hard more often than not. Being AFAB means I means that people make assumptions and have expectations about any male friends I have.  Likewise, being far more masculine for as long as I can remember, means that I've had mostly guys as friends for as long as I can remember.  Possibly as an advantage of being AFAB, I've managed to make a lot of those friendships more intimate than would be expected from two cis-men, feeling more comfortable with sharing and providing support. It's been a wonderful thing in my life that I'm grateful for, getting to have those unique connections that many people never benefit from. But like all things, there's a balance.  In return, I wind up being something that a lot of women are threatened by.  Like people don't deserve more than one intimate relationship, even if it's platonic, and in n

 While I'm aware of a lot of things outside of the heteronormative space, it often takes the right example to have something make sense.  And while it took time for me to learn about my own polyamoury, lack of gender, and demisexuality, apparently there's still more to learn. After I last saw Puppy, he sent me an animation with someone coming out as Aromantic.  While I've been aware of it for the longest time, I didn't think that it was something that applied.  I've spoken about not enjoying most traditionally romantic things, but had always thought I was capable of romantic feelings.  I mean, I'd had relationships, felt attached to people, and the like. But watching this cartoon, more and more spoke out to me, and then I went looking on my own, and things started becoming clearer. I've never felt that sensation of butterflies and fireworks.  While capable of connection, everyone who I've ever been really attached to was an incredibly close friend first.

 It's been a year since I wrote that letter to Kitty.  A year to process losing one of the few people in my life that I've ever called my best friend.  Losing someone who was a rock of mine for so long, and seeing him disappear.  And that was the hardest part of it in many ways.  There wasn't something where we grew apart while having contact.  There was just that disappearance on his end (on top of other things) that made it so hard. And with having dealt with that for so long, as well as the silence after the letter (as I still haven't heard a word from him since Oct2020) it's apparently left its own obstacles for me. While I'm still incredibly patient with the important people in my life, and don't need a lot in the scale of things, I'm learning that little reassurances mean a lot.  Especially for the people I don't get to share space with often, little things like sending a link or a gif can be entirely comforting.  Sometimes though, I do still j