A New Devious Chapter

 It took a bit, but I finally took a bit of time to talk to Puppy about what happened.  And, it went as well as I should have expected it to. While he opened with asking how I was feeling, immediately after I started saying that I was healing, he sent a message saying that he didn't mean to hurt me. And that's great and all, but I wouldn't do anything with him, let alone be friends with him, if I thought he had any intention of bringing me harm.  Not to mention that regardless of what he meant, it doesn't mean it didn't happen.  I tried talking to him about it all, and getting him to understand the severity of what happened.  I also mentioned the trauma response that I had the morning I left, and rather than understanding, he thought me running was the trauma. In response, he decided to use that moment to admit to having had feels for me, which I knew.  He thought that was a way to apologize somehow, and I just got quiet, because I didn't know how to respond at

 As a quick update, about one week post everything happening that I talked about in my last post, my neck is just about fine.  Every once in a while I feel a tiny bit of discomfort, but for the most part, I don't even notice it anymore. But anyway, it's been almost a full week with Rabbit, and while we had these plans to get lots of things accomplished, we may have accidentally let many of them fall to the wayside for sex.  Some things have gotten done.  He got his bike up and running, and we got me a helmet so that I can ride with him.  I've helped with getting the house a little more put together, keeping up with laundry, and taking care of the pups. We've also had sex in almost every room in the house, some multiple times.  This includes having sex on the motorcycle while it was in the garage being finished up.  I may have joked that if I couldn't ride the bike until it gets a new seat, I would just ride them both at once. At the same time, we've finally gott

 Remember how I said I had a lot of adventures at the end of June?  Well, as of writing this I'm only a couple of days in, and damn if it hasn't already been a trip. Puppy showed up on the Sunday evening after he was done with father's day obligations.  I was still having the off moments of feeling unsure around him from the weekend prior.  Even when we were curled up watching one of my favorite anime, I never quite got comfortable.  After everything that had happened lately, I wound up exhausted early, and we got to bed, where I slept like a rock. The next morning, Puppy and I had sex, and while I wasn't quite into it, things were a little better than the weekend before, so I attributed it to my overall mental state, and trucked along.  The morning went quietly enough, although the gnome pulled some annoyances that I should have expected, and got us out the door a but later than planned.   And then the universe started throwing bricks at me.  While only just crossing t

 My parents both recently had to take a trip down to Virginia due to a death in the mostly family.  While I didn't like the timing of it initially, it didn't interfere with any of the plans I had already made, and that made things much easier for me.  Puppy was leaving the same day they did, Squishy had their last week of school, and so Rabbit was able to come visit for most of the time we were gone. And while we were both in a bit of a compromised state still, after everything that's happened, it was also a couple of days where we could enjoy time together, be silly, and have vast chunks of time to be able to play.  Given that it's been years since he had done any kink, we're re-exploring all the things he used to enjoy, a little at a time.  I recently also did some mental exploration, and discovered a handful of reasons as to why I had never been attracted to him, given the friendship and connection we'd built over the years, and subsequently fixed some things

 When I got home, while Rabbit's now ex had finally moved out, he didn't have a lot of time to process.  I was there for a good few days, and he had work, but he wound up with the full weekend off.  And that first day, at a certain point, I get a message saying that things started to hit.  That suddenly all the change, and the realization of how dark things got, and how much of himself he sacrificed over the last few years. So I gave him patience, and presence, and the understanding of someone who has been in those spaces.  I gave him the space to sit, and process, and get himself past some of the initial hit. And then a few days later, I had something happen.  Something that tore me apart, caused me to spin, and made me feel far more broken than I had in a long time.  I was typing with a handful of people, but knew Rabbit was asleep, so while I sent one message, I didn't expect a response.  He eventually woke up, saw it, and called me.  When I picked up, he asked if I was

 Eventually, I did get home from my weekend with Rabbit, albeit tired and ready for real rest.  Squishy was already home, and so I was getting her caught up on some things.  At one point she asked something about him, and I mentioned that I'm a comfort person for him, and a place of safety and trust, due to the friendship we've built. And she looked at me, then, whether she understood it or not, said "You should be platonic partners". She then went on to say that she doesn't actually understand love, so she just tells all her friends that she platonically loves them.  Which sounded far more like her, but that one moment, had far more wisdom behind it than I think she realized. Mind you, she knows that I'm polyamorous.  She knows that I practice relationship anarchy.  She even knows that I am aromantic.  She's very used to me having a strong connection to people, and showing them care without having to have a romantic relationship, and I think it's help

 One of the things I was concerned with while Rabbit and I were negotiating any sort of play, was where our overlap in interests was.  In particular was that while he says he's a masochist, he's not a fan of heavy impact, and mostly does sensation play. And well, that got me a little worried at first.  I like using force.  I like throwing a heavy beating.  I like getting tired, and leaving someone a bruised up mess.  I was concerned that with some of my favorite things off the table, we wouldn't have enough kinks in common. But then I remembered, I'm not just an impact sadist.  I don't need to bring about excruciating pain to enjoy play.  We talk about suffering a lot in kink, and while I always think of myself as being happy when I bottom for impact, I need to remember that I don't necessarily look for that in others. I also kept in mind that I can be very patient with the creative process, and also have the ability to think out of the box, and make things fun.