A New Devious Chapter

 Just before Halloween, Rabbit was over for an extra day because he needed an extra day before going back to work.  We spent the day working on personal things, and spending time curled up together.  While it didn't mean another night together (he had work the next morning) it did mean an extra twelve hours before saying goodbye for the week. And during that time, at one point I started sharing examples of things that have happened in my home.  How I'm treated by my parents, and the situation I'm living in.  And I realized, while talking about it, that I started feeling more anxious.   I noticed that even though he was being supportive, and telling me that he was here for good and bad, and asking what I might need in the moment, I was wishing I'd never said a word.  My mind could only go to Lux telling me that he couldn't deal with my home life.  That it was too much for him, and how he would disappear whenever things got bad.  I was so worried that I would lose thi

 I'm only writing this halfway through October, but enough has happened in the first few weeks of dating Rabbit that I can definitely talk about it. Right after we became official was the new year.  Even though he had work, and also had plans for the holiday (Yes, my mother is overjoyed that I found a nice Jewish boy) he played with his schedule to leave as early as possible and come to my place for a few hours.  I felt anxious about it as he talked about wanting to drive out here.  I've always had people use the things they do against me.  Like it's an excuse to do things that hurt later, because they stored up some good deeds earlier.  He assured me that this wasn't the case, and that he wanted to put into the holiday what he wanted to get out of the coming year, which was happiness and time with me.  And after almost a decade of someone who I invited to everything, and never showed, that hit hard. And we had a couple of hours where even though I hadn't told my pa

 I swear, this is the last post about Rabbit and I starting a relationship.  There's just been a lot going on with it, and most of it has been funny. The day we decided to be official, Rabbit had to go to dinner with his mom.  She had been poking at him not so gently for a while, and while we had a joke about waiting to tell his parents, he wanted to give her some good news. So while they're sitting and having dinner, he stops the conversation, and tells her that we're together.  She is smiling, but stern faced, and he asks about her response.  She says that she's happy that he's happy.  He questions it again, and she mentions that his dad had concerns about my age.   Now, Rabbit has been working at renn faires for a long time (it's how we originally met) and most of his friends are older.  A lot older, to the point where Rabbit's roommate has a couple of decades on him.   Rabbit looks at his mom and asks how old she thinks I am.  She makes up some vague lin

 The movie we went to see by the way was Clerks Three.  As we're both from Jersey, all the Kevin Smith movies are important parts of our culture.  Specifically for this series, it's all a testament to different stages of life, with characters who aren't the most proactive.  They're flawed, but they're loyal, and they all have very different stories. It turned out to be more sad than we expected, and when we went home, we thought about the loss that occurred, and how that made us feel about things that have happened with us.  I gave Rabbit directions back to my place, and when we got on the highway, I started thinking.  One of the biggest themes in all of the movies is showing ambition.  Not waiting until a perfect moment, but being proactive in deciding what you want, and taking the risk, because you don't know what'll happen. So when we got back to the house, and curled up in bed, we talked about it.  I told him that I didn't know how I was going to dea

 It was just after the start of the school year, and Rabbit was at my place for what was seeming to turn into a weekly visit.  We sat on the porch Wednesday morning after Squishy had gone off to catch the bus, and I definitely noticed that he was a little off.  And we sat there, curled up, sipping coffee, when he told me he had something to say.  He prefaced it by saying he was aware that it was full of red flags, then told me that he had some feels.  He said that he would be ok if I didn't want to see him for a while, but wanted to make sure he told me, because he always wants to be transparent with me. He explained that when he realized the feels were there, he took apart the thoughts, and did some introspection to see if it was real.  To see if it was some sort of physical or emotional rebound.  Every time he followed a trail, he realized needs had been met elsewhere earlier.  At the end of the line, was just that he liked the dynamic that was forming between us, and that it'

 We're getting through the holidays as of this going live.  We've managed past Rosh Hashanah, and getting through Yom Kippur, which my family usually doesn't observe.  This year though, it seems especially appropriate. There was a lot of wiping things away this year.  Removing people, changing priorities, and sorting out my own life.   I think spending so time in contemplation of that, and everything that needs to be left behind is healthy, and a good use of this time of year, before we gear up for everything happening in the winter months.  How I want to change, what I want to keep up with, and what I need to put down and push away. And there is a lot that I plan to pick up.  A lot that might be changing soon, and some things that are going to be very different for me. But this year deserves to have a lot wiped away.  A lot of bad, and a lot of things that I let slide that I should never have.  And so this coming year I want to focus more on acknowledging what I want and n

 Early this spring, when Rabbit and I started talking, he mentioned wanting to find a rope bottom to practice on again.  I told him that I bottom for rope once in a while, and liked helping people navigate ties and learn.  That was also when I offered to top other play for him, and well, we see how that's turned so far. But when we started talking about rope again, he realized that he'd forgotten everything, and also shared that he enjoyed being tied up.  So in order to help him learn, I showed him the basics of what I knew.  I never learned a lot of rope, because it wasn't much of an interest, but I did learn a little, just to have a better idea of safety.  I claim that I only know enough to get myself into or out of trouble. And while I've been teaching him, I've been tying him up as well.  At the same time, he's feeling more and more drawn to rope, and wants to learn enough to consider himself a rigger.  Meanwhile, I'm just trying to learn enough to tie h