Sunday, December 28, 2014

New Things

It's coming close to the end of the year, and so I've been thinking about all the new things I want to learn and do next year.
I generally don't make resolutions like the bulk of people, but rather think of many small goals to accomplish, and things to learn.

For 2015 my list includes

  • Learning to bake shortbread
  • Being able to do a headstand
  • Learning viking wire weaving
  • Figuring out more belly dance moves
  • Working more on my flexibility
  • Getting to have Eat Like a Hobbit Day
  • Getting suspended, by either rope or flesh hooks
It's not a long list, but most of those things will take time.
Let's see how much I can knock off that list!

Thursday, December 25, 2014

The Gift that Keeps on Giving

Since it is Christmas, I thought I would share something for everyone who may read this.
Porn!
But not normal porn, with genitals, and all.  Oh no.  I would never share something that simple.
Voice porn!

In case you didn't know, I develop crushes on people just due to their voices.  Either their normal speaking tone, or the way they say a certain something.  I will manifest panties, just so they may drop through the floor, and I swear there are times I could get off just listening, without any actual stimulation.

So, here are a few of my favorites.

http://youtu.be/vFV1QvnLVsM

http://youtu.be/OnUhnr6MsS8

http://youtu.be/OnGoHU3tfg4

Welp, have fun with that.  Hope everyone enjoys the gift of eargasm.

Sunday, December 21, 2014

My Two Front Teeth

I haven't had time to actually think about things I want for Christmas this year.  I've been so busy, and have really had a year of just not caring about material things, and far more about experiences and function.

I told my family all I wanted was to go to Pennsic, which is in August, but with how they are, I need to start poking now if I want them to possibly remember it.

Otherwise, I want the chance to relax.  I want time away from home.
I want to not be treated like a piece of shit.

Luckily, I'll be getting just that in a few days, which should help me out a lot.
Hopefully I'll get a solid beating in, and enough violence to take care of the craving I've had for a bit now.

Oh, and I want to have more chance to just cook or bake whatever I want.

Which I will also get to do.

I know, I'm so difficult.

On a side note, I'm almost out of loose tea.  That would actually be a good thing for me to have told people for gifts.

Thursday, December 18, 2014

Time to Breathe

Now that we've gone about celebrating Channukah in the house, things are calming down.
I don't have to crochet ten thousand things.
I have baked every bit of cookie dough in the house.  Which added up to around 1500 cookies.
The big cooking and wrapping and figuring of things is done.

Yes, we still have Christmas, but that's simple in the scheme of things.

So, this week I can focus on the two presents I have left to finish, and start making the changes I want to toward being healthier.

Because I don't have every moment of my day claimed to do something for the holidays, I'm finally starting to work out again.  
No lie, it already has me feeling more active, and I do enjoy the sore muscles I have the next day.
Also, noodley arms are fun.

I can focus on the things I want to make for myself, and that I want to accomplish in the near future.

I can also look toward what is going on in the next couple weeks.  Which involves some time adventuring with Lux, which we both need for vital snuggles, violence, obscene amounts of sex, and just general silliness.

The next few days will be spent looking at what I want to accomplish in the new year, and maybe what I'd like for Christmas myself, because I honestly haven't even thought about it.

Sunday, December 14, 2014

LFG

Oh the nerdiness it will take to understand that title.

So, I've noticed that in the last year or so, for those that only see me online, or haven't assumed that Lux and I are dating (which we are still quick to clarify that we don't want the formalities, expectations, and obligations that go along with it, and so we are not actually dating) I am constantly asked if I am "looking for someone".

To which, I tell them I'm not, and then I realize that I've never actually been looking for a partner.  Even if the pool is small (and I don't think it's ever been a large number at any point), there's always been at least one person.  Dating included, before I ever feel like I want a relationship, someone comes along and shows interest.  This may however, explain why I dated just as a change of scenery in my teens.

Honestly, I can't imagine going actively looking for a partner, whether for a relationship, or purely for sexual reasons.  I have no idea what people do who aren't friends and hook up.  I imagine it's full of awkward silence, and the sex never becomes a relaxing way to decompress like when you have someone you are comfortable with.  I don't know if they can giggle together while fucking, or curl up and have a cup of coffee afterward.  The idea of it seems incomplete; like missing out on half the enjoyment and satisfaction of fucking.

Looking for a relationship seems fairly awkward as well.  I wouldn't even know how to go about it.  To talk to someone with the mindset of wanting them to fit a specific role in your life, and the needs you have there, and if they don't fit that mold, or cause some instant spark, they are tossed aside without the possibility of fitting some other purpose.

I've always been friends with more men.  I find myself to be far more masculine, and so when I talk to men, I just see them all as a possibility of becoming another male friend.  Once they hit that point, I may find them as a possible sexual partner, or develop the feels from there.  More often than not though, they simply become a friend, however close and important they wind up being.  Whatever role they fall into is up to how we mesh together, with no expectations or molds to fit.

So no, I'm not looking for a partner.  I am open to having more if they come into my life and happen to respect me and want to become a friend, but I'm not about to go hunting more down any time soon.

Thursday, December 11, 2014

Taking from Tumblr

I enjoy reading tags on posts.  Sometimes they are funny, or provide insight to how a post is meant to be viewed.  There are times when I find the tags themselves more interesting than the post.

Sometimes on Tumblr though, I see a pile of people just humping each other, each with the tag "Romantic".

It makes me think of how the gnome would say he was being romantic with me any time he wanted to fuck and was trying to kiss me.

Then I see pictures of people holding hands.  Of one person resting their head on the chest of another.  Of pouncing on a partner and giggling.  And these are simply given the tag "cute".

I see far more romance in these moments than any picture of people fucking.  Snuggling up shows trust, care, and compassion.  While these may be present while fucking someone, it's certainly not always the case.

We don't hold hands with people we've just started having sex with.  We don't curl up in their lap and let down walls.  We don't wrap our arms around them while out just have those moments of contact.
And those moments, those are romantic.
When you show that you've hit a point where you can share those little touches.  Those things that aren't charged by lust, but simply care, and wanting to feel the other person near you, to settle one or both of you.

I think that many people intimacy for lust.  That physical desire is romantic, and this is why so many people feel like they have to be in love with whoever they fuck.  And that's not always the case.  We may have someone that we feel intense physical chemistry with, but never feel safe enough to really let down walls and share ourselves with them.  Then there may be someone else, who may not be someone we are physically drawn to, but we feel connected, and even just while speaking, you can feel how much emotion is being exchanged, and small little touches create a more emotionally satisfying feeling than most sex could.

Now, that's not to say that sex can't be romantic.  I find power exchange can be full of romance, and things like choking, and intense beatings to be very intimate acts due to the amount of trust necessary.  A romantic conversation sharing ideas and thoughts and theories can lead to sex just due to the attraction it causes.

I feel sometimes like it is part of society pushing it's stigma of sex on us.  That we should only have sex with those we love, and thereby it becomes something romantic.  Romance is supposed to mean love, right?  Those moments we share with those other people though, they couldn't possibly be romantic, because we're not in a relationship and boning.

Sometimes society loses point.
And by sometimes, I mean all the ruddy time.

Sunday, December 07, 2014

My Own Worst Critic

I noticed yesterday how hard I am on myself when it comes to what I work on.

My father and I have been working on a set of bog chairs for me to use at events.  Two large ones for Lux and I, and one small one for the beast (or me if I don't want to lug all the big chairs).  We've got them cut, sanded, and I just did some work with the dremel to put pretty designs into the wood before painting and staining.
Well, I went to do the lines with a paint pen on the one for Lux, and the paint exploded out, all over the wood, seeping in and staining it.
A freak out later, and my dad was giving me some sandpaper to see if I could sand just the paint off.  It worked a bit, but I could still see it there.  Big blobs of blue, standing out and screaming at me how terrible they looked on something meant to be taken out in public.
Then my father looked at it, and said he couldn't really notice it that much, and once we got a good coat of stain on it, it would look good.
I sent a picture to Lux and he couldn't even tell what I was trying to fix.

Perhaps I was just staring to angrily at those spots I knew were there, and seeing them as more than they were.

When it comes to making things, even moreso things for others, I am a bit of a perfectionist.  I want to put the most detail in, and make it all look absolutely perfect.  I get a lot of random ideas, and want to make them happen, but I don't want anything to look like it's my first try.  I want everything to look like I've been doing it for years.  Luckily, I learn quickly, and am very good with tactile mediums.

However, I see those flaws.  I see what they should be, and what they are, and it makes me hate what I make more often than not. 

Right now though, I'm too busy to waste time worrying about everything.  My family keeps pressing my timetable of shit to do for them, while I still have things to make for me to give to others.  Top that off with the gnome again dicking me around, and the beast to take care of, and I might be able to breathe some time after Christmas.

Thursday, December 04, 2014

Bah Humbug (vanilla)

The holidays are never really a happy joyous time for me.  They often just act as a reminder of how unbalanced things are with my parents, and a cultivator of stress.

This year is acting as no exception.

My mother decided that me making gifts is cheaper than buying them so for three weeks I did nothing but crochet, when I had my own things to work on.  My hands got to the point where they ached, but my constantly throwing finished products at my mother had her more or less off my back.  My father however thinks that I just look at yarn and it magically transforms though, so he's constantly trying to get me to do things that would honestly just create more work than help.

I've taken over most of the holiday preparations as a whole.  I'm currently in the midst of the cookiepocalypse, and losing even more time to work on my own things.

Really lately I find that I'm so busy working on things for my family while being dragged down by them, that I'm losing myself in the process.  I want to have time to work on my own things away from here and actually enjoy some time to myself.

Hopefully something happens to spark my inspiration, and break this home driven rut soon.

Sunday, November 30, 2014

Oddly Awkward

I've mentioned previously that Lux and I had started accepting the accidental dynamic that fell into place between us.  It's only been a step at a time, and carefully at that, knowing that he is still off kilter from his last relationship, and all the shit I dealt with while with Thrax.  We've had no real problems thus far, making sure to take care of each other along the way, and maintaining a good balance.

In person, it's smooth.  Like a well oiled machine, it just works.  Lux is often the one to feel off at points, and with plenty of snuggles and reassurance, we're both back to a happy exchange.

When we're apart (which has been more often than not lately) we text through the day, and occasionally, the exchange becomes more apparent between us.  He refers to me as his slave (and that possessiveness honestly makes me just want to snuggle in with him and squee) and I call him master in response, because he does make me feel all safe and content.  I feel at peace handing myself over, rather than nervous, which is fantastic, but off subject.

So, writing it all out, it's what I feel at that moment, and it's all happy and crap.  Then after a moment or so, I read over it all and see that word, and it shakes me.

For so long, I called Thrax "master".  And in the beginning, he did what I needed, and was there, and helped me.  That quickly died though, and the feeling of the word changed to something that meant disappointment.  It showed emptiness, manipulation, and disregard for myself and my limits.  I read it now, and sometimes it makes me think of everything then.

And then I need to remind myself that I'm not saying it to him anymore.  I'm saying it to someone who wants to see me grow, and is there to help me, and never stops earning that respect and exchange.  It'll get to the point where I can shake that off, but I need to take the steps to get it there.

On a giggly side note, a couple moments with the beast!
Last time I went up to see Lux, the beast and I took a shower together on the day we were going to head up, so that I could scrub her something fierce (she doesn't get the scrubbing I give her when she spends a weekend with her father) and I could wash off all the sweat of a busy day before heading out.  I undress in the bedroom, and the beast stands up, points at my junk and looks in shock.
"Mama!  Get that thing out of your butt!"
Mind you, she's standing in front of me. And pointing at my hood ring.
"Babygirl, that's not my butt.  That's my girlparts."
"But there's a thing in it!  Get that thing out of your butt!"
"That's not my butt.  And that's supposed to stay there."
"...What?"
"Someone put it there.  It's supposed to stay there."
"Oh, Ok."
Yup.  That's all the information she needs about body modification.  And that is awesome.
Also, all day on Thanksgiving, we called to each other with turkey noises.  While getting stuff from the basement fridge, or even if we were on different floors of the house, I would make a turkey noise, and she would respond with her odd attempt.  It didn't stop being fun for the entire day.

Thursday, November 27, 2014

Giving Thanks

As it is Thanksgiving, I thought today should be spent doing the obligatory post of everything the I am thankful for.

Positivity: I have far more positive influence in my life than I think I ever have.  I have this mix of people who have been around forever, people who have only grown close in the last couple years, and people who are newer to my life that encourage me and show such affection and love.

Dance: I am grateful for the ability to dance, and the fantastic experience it brings.  Being able to teach and spread what is essentially a language of movements, as well as being able to shake my ass around while cleaning, or spending time on stage, it has helped me build more body confidence, and be healthy.

Beast: The little beast teaches me so much, and truly is a little ball of squishy love.  She's at the age now where we actually discuss philosophy, and it's done with a clean slate of someone who hasn't been influenced by random things they hear.  She gives me the chance to run around and be silly (you know, with an excuse...) and someone to snuggle when I'm feeling down, even if it means tackling her to the ground.

Art: I've discovered the ability I have to learn the arts, and enjoy working with many mediums.  I love expressing myself by creating something physical, and giving someone the random things I make when I think of them.  It's part of that constant stimulation I need, while being able to help others, or just bring a smile to their face.

Words: I am a language nerd, and love reading as much as I possibly can.  Whether it be the random thoughts of friends, the pile of books I have to read, a textbook, a medical study, or bits of research done on a myriad of topics, I love taking in the written word.  It gives the opportunity to learn so much, which is something I crave.

There is also a small handful of people that I can't imagine not having in my life at this point.  They are so fantastic to me, and help me in more ways than they could ever realize.  They deserve far more care and affection than I remember to give.  In the meantime I will give the care I can to them, and hope that I can keep them in my life for as long as possible.

Sunday, November 23, 2014

Ponderings

Lately I've been thinking over different ways I could be happy.  Things I enjoy, and how I feel most content.

I remember hanging out with Zero, when I was only about fourteen, and telling him that I don't really want someone to do everything for me, and I would much rather take care of someone else.

Well, you know, the more things change, the more they stay the same.

I enjoy doing for people, which I explained in very early in this blog.  I show affection and care through service, and enjoy doing all the little things for people, to take a bit of weight off their shoulders, and so that they know they don't need to do for me.

This carries over to power exchange for me I find.  On either side, I look into ways to take care of those I share a dynamic with.  Which is difficult to explain when I have a dominant role, or at least less common, but gives me a comfy spot into some form of domestic servitude.

I enjoy taking care of a home.  I enjoy feeding people, and creating a comfortable, welcoming environment that others want to be in.  Mind you, I'm not a mind reader, and don't ever want to be, but the routine of taking care of someone and making their life happier once they leave their job is something that I could be very happy doing.

I don't think I could ever give up creating.  I want to play with as many mediums as I can, and make, and do, and study.  Teaching would of course continue, and I would try to make as much as I could to make life easier, or happier, or simpler.

There isn't even really something sexual about this.  I just think I could be happy doing this.  Which is honestly something significantly more important.

Thursday, November 20, 2014

Falling Off

With the holidays coming up, things have been hectic at home.  So, a more vanilla update of things going on.

I've basically taken over the majority of the work for the holidays.  I'm planning the large meals, and organizing shopping lists and making sure we have everything.  I've made my plan for the cookiepocalypse, and have been put in charge of all the baking, because about half the recipes are now my own which no one else knows.  My mother realized how quickly I can crochet, and so I'm making gifts for everyone.
Then top off with everything I wanted to make for people otherwise, writing here, cleaning, and still teaching dance, I'm a bit busy lately.

This is also paired up with long (for me) dry spells from sex, which has me feeling frazzled and cranky.  I notice it kicking in, and try to fight it, but it creeps into my mood regardless.

I feel myself falling away from social media lately.  When I log on, I notice it's all just negativity and mindless ideas with no real substance.  I'd rather just talk to people, and see what's going on.  The only real things I'm keeping up with are tumblr (which is mostly just porn, and even that I'm getting bored with) and blogger here (which is a mix of kink blogs and food blogs)

I'm falling away from devices, and looking at the physical tactile world.  That's where things happen, and where my focus should be.

However, there should be a lot going on soon, and I'll keep things updated with that, so more interesting things then.

Sunday, November 16, 2014

Spoiled

I spent last weekend up with Lux.
We hadn't seen each other in three weeks, had no plans to go anywhere, and just wanted time to relax and reset with each other.

I was supposed to be able to spend an extra couple of days there, but due to the gnome, I wouldn't have those days without the squish.  So just a normal length weekend for us then.

On Friday, I rode up north with the squish, and then met with Lux for the second leg of the trip.  We wound up not being able to grab proper food on the ride, so a quick snack, and once we were done, we were molesting each other in the car, unable to wait until we got back to the apartment.

When we did finally get back, we began the near constant fucking, and mission to break in all the areas of the apartment that we didn't get to last time.  Which included a giggly failed attempt at fucking in his super tiny shower.  During the small windows of time we weren't having sex, we were often snuggled up close on the couch, enjoying warm coffee, giggling about things, planning out future things, and enjoying video games.

It was such a simple weekend, but so incredibly full of care and affection, and we've both come out of it spoiled rotten.  We get used to having the other around very quickly.  We take care of each other, and fall really easily into what the other often needs.  He brings me a lot of emotional and psychological peace and reassurance, while I take care of the little things he often forgets and puts aside.

On Sunday, we went to see some friends before I went home.  We spent most of the visit sitting on a loveseat together, making small simple touches just because we're used to it, and really don't care about hiding anything.  While on the way home my friend had said that she didn't care if we weren't formally dating, or putting a title on anything.  That a connection and comfort like what she saw can't lie, and that we're closer and happier than most couples she knows.  It was kind of cute to hear, and I don't think I will ever stop being amused by the fact that we have such a better relationship without having any sort of formality than most people do with their significant other.

Now that I'm home though, as much as I'm feeling much better, I find myself missing the weekend.  Waking up curled up tight against Lux under the covers and getting to molest each other awake.  Fucking and rolling around until coffee is necessary, and sharing random moments kissing just because.  Enjoying time naked together, knowing how much we objectify each other, and reveling in every moment.  It was a weekend of total peace and affection, and I am grateful for every moment.

I look forward so much to the next time this is possible.

Thursday, November 13, 2014

X

Today.
It's been ten years today, and it hurts like it just happened even still.

A full decade since one of the closest people I've ever had in my life killed himself.  The anniversary of his death is still a bad day for me every year, and I'll likely sleep with the doll he made me again, just like I do every year to have some part of him near me.

He was actually my sister's friend first, but as he was around longer, he shifted to being more my friend than hers.  He wasn't just getting stoned with me like he would with her, but going on adventures, and discussing abstract topics and literature.  We barely hugged, but the way we simply acted like we'd never be apart spoke of our care for each other.

Across the street from him were some mutual friends we would hang out with most days.  He pretty much lived there rather than with his dad, and we all did pretty much everything together.

On the weekends we would play lasertag and sing karaoke.  Yes.  In the same place.  Because yes.
It was ritual.
We'd all meet up, hang out for the evening, have a ton of silly fun, recover on Sunday, then I'd see some of them Monday at school.

Well, one week they weren't there.
I had no idea why, but I had fun regardless.  That may have actually been the night I met Zero, but I don't really remember now.  That is a story in itself.

That Monday, one of the kids we often hung out with popped out of homeroom on my way to first period and told me they had a huge party over the weekend.  That explained why they weren't there, but I still had a bad feeling.  I continued on about my day though, and when I got home, wondered why he wasn't around.  No calls, or randomly showing up at the door, or anything.

My sister got a call from his father.

He was in jail.
He had gotten drunk at the party and fallen asleep on the couch.  The younger brother of our group of mutual friends found him there (who was two years younger than me) and decided to experiment.  The older brother discovered the kid already with cock in hand, not knowing he was completely passed out, and called their mother.
The mother freaked, and called the police.

So now, this person that was so close to me, is taken away due to panic, and I don't know when I'll ever see him again.
He plead guilty just to take the plea bargain.

He would have gotten out just in time to see me graduate High School.
But he didn't make it that long.

It's true what they say that abusers and rapists get the worst treatment in prison.  Whether or not he was actually guilty, the fact that he was gay and being charged for child molestation had effectively painted a target on his forehead.  He couldn't deal with it, and knew that if he did get out, he'd never be able to escape those accusations and abuse.

He killed himself not even two years later.
I was getting ready for bed when the phone rang.  It was his dad.  I was the first person to know after the prison called him.  He was gone, and that was such an odd concept to me.  I never thought that he wouldn't be a part of my life.  I still have days where I miss him, and that idea that there is no way for me to have any contact with him tears me apart.

I couldn't go to school for the rest of the week.  I mostly stayed curled up in bed hiding.  It's the only death to ever actually affect me at this point in my life.  When I finally got back to school, a friend asked where I had been, and jokingly asked who died.  I said his name, and within seconds we were both curled up in the corner of the classroom, apologizing to me.  The teacher saw us, and I explained what happened.  We stayed there the rest of class, because I didn't want to go back to my desk.

In two weeks, I remade the new character I was planning to play at my larp to be a tribute to him.  Including carrying around the doll he had made me.  The few people that could touch it knew that it wasn't a character thing for me to be so protective of it, but a personal thing.  Even when I made another appearance with the character a year ago, people mentioned that I "still had that thing".  Another player said that it would be a horrible day whenever I might lose Dolly, because it is a very important object, because they knew the story behind it.

Every year hits me just the same though.  I've even performed on the anniversary, and walked off stage in tears at the end.

I miss him.

Sunday, November 09, 2014

Looking for Excuses

I notice a lot of people tend to look for some sort of justification of violence in their dynamic.  That they need to look for a reason to engage in any sort of sadomasochistic play that won't make them feel guilty.  I do believe the most common excuse for this tends to be the aspect of "funishment".

Telling the bottom they've been bad, or making outlandish rules to be broken, or simply the bottom acting up in order to get beaten.

And dear gods, I absolutely cannot have this in a dynamic.

I don't ever want to be told that I'm bad, or naughty or any of that as a method of dirty talk.  I don't want to think of myself that way.  I am devious, and definitely mischievous.  I will make you think carefully before ordering me to do things, and constantly challenge you, but I will never do anything deemed wrong, against the rules given to me, or to hurt you (you know, in a not sexy way.)

When those words start going out, it instantly takes my mind to a new place.  That I've fucked something up, and you don't want me.  Telling me I need to be punished for something means that there is some behavior that requires correction, or else the action would not need to take place.  It makes everything totally not sexy for me, because I am trying to be receptive of what needs to be fixed.

Yes, this means that when I get hurt for purposes of punishment, it doesn't turn me on.  It makes me want to curl up in a ball and hide, despite my high pain tolerance.

That said, a fitting punishment with a thorough explanation of what I did, why it was wrong, and what I should be doing instead, will work wonders for me.

However, if you're looking to hurt me in a sexy way, tell me I've been good.  Tell me you're proud of me, that you appreciate me, and that you enjoy me.  Tell me you feel the need to thank me for everything I've done, or that you want to see me marked up for something to think of you until we see each other again.  I'll be able to take far more, and be full of happy wiggles, a contented look on my face, be extra snuggly and turned on by what we're doing.

Simple words can completely change my brainspace.  Whatever mood you want to create, or purpose you have for an interaction, be careful of how you do it with me.

Thursday, November 06, 2014

The Downsides of Teaching Friends

So, my Thursday class is with my first student I ever took on.  She never practices at home, so I have to make sure to kick her butt every week, and sharpen everything myself with her.
We also went to elementary school together.
And a ton of other weird connections that makes the world feel much smaller.
So, you get the point that we're friends outside of dance class.

She has taken on a job with a cruise line, and a few weeks ago came home for her off season, which is why we've been able to have weekly classes.  This paired up with the fact that she dumped the boy she was seeing when she last left, has caused her to make some decisions that are to me, rather questionable.

While she was dating one of my other friends, she would go on about how she would withhold sex unless he promised her rope work.  And not just tying her wrists up, but full harnesses, and binding her completely down to the bed.  She would then bitch about how sex often hurt because her junk was very shallow (which honestly mostly means she wasn't relaxing enough to get turned on).  It annoyed me more than anything to hear about it, because I was listening to both of them separately.  They have since become friends again, and I am glad, because they are both good together, just not meant to date.

In the last few weeks, she's been coming to class freshly fucked, but with a new boy every time.  Apparently she is meeting boys out, or messaging them a few times online, and then seeing them to fuck.  She isn't mentioning a thing about what they are like, just if they are giving her the exact princessy treatment in a fuck that she wants.  I don't even honestly think she talks to them, because she can barely tell me a thing about them.

To the point where she's telling me that there is a guy who has been messaging her online, wanting to start legitimate conversation, and become friends with the possibility of hooking up.  She avoids responding to him, and does so in the shortest manner possible.  He asks at one point why she doesn't seem receptive, and asks if she is at all turned on by him.
As far as I know, she still hasn't answered.
She's afraid to.
Her reasoning for why she doesn't like him: She thinks he's ugly.
Why does she think he's ugly?
He's black.

Commence flailing rage.

Now, I will be the first to admit that there are very few black men I'm attracted to, or even friends with.  This is not because of the color of their skin, but due to the cultural differences that usually wind up clashing.  My preferred "type" is also far less of a physical thing, and far more of a personality driven attraction.  To close someone out though, even to friendship due to one simple physical factor beyond the person's control is just shallow judgement.

It really bothered me to hear honestly, and it still irks me.  I feel like she's been so caught up in getting attention online that she can be picky and just move from one fuck to another without any worry having to form attachments or think of consequences.  That she can move to racism, and choose her partners just out of superficial qualities, instead of actually creating bonds, which result in far better sex anyway.

I'll take my friends who I can fuck and snuggle and go on adventures with.  The ones I can laugh with, talk to when things are bad, and be there for.  I'd much rather be able to share a meal, or a cigar, than show up for a fuck with someone I find hot and never talk to again.  And sure, if they could be way taller than me, much broader and heavier than me, with nice arms and no abs then I'll be doing happy dances while we fuck, and making grabbyhands while we're hanging out, but I'd so much rather simply have someone as a friend than a convenient cock for me to bounce upon.

Sunday, November 02, 2014

Drug Addiction

Of all the things that turn me on, one of the ones that I get to indulge in least is actually one of my favorite kinks.  It's something that joins into so many other things get off from, but I experience it so seldom.
Fear.
Oh dear sweet fuck do I love fear and horror and gore.
If something scares me, it's almost guaranteed that if a partner were to walk up and check, they'd notice me soaking through my jeans with how wet I am.  Actually feeling threatened and out of control drops my non-existent panties, and blood is far and away my favorite body fluid.

And it's a simple explanation for it.

I'm an adrenaline addict.
In all things, I look for a rush.  Instead of running to drugs, or artificial means of producing a high, I want my actions themselves to produce a natural one.
Pain releases endorphins that make me float and I'm instantly giddy.  Driving fast, fighting, hell, even the stage fright I feel before dancing elicit a high that I revel in.
One of my favorite things to do is dance until my legs can't hold my weight any longer, and I'm shaking, but I want to continue, just to keep the high going.

And this absolutely carries over into sex.  I love feeling the high of being beaten, or pinned down and fucked so hard I can't fight back.  A knife held to my throat to keep me still while being fingered will have me quivering and cumming so hard I feel afraid of moving too much because of the knife, and that causes more endorphins to kick in, and it all goes around.

And usually, I tend not to crash.  If I can float along for the first little while, I can continue to function and remain giddy until I level out.  Of course, I'm constantly craving more, and to find new fun ways to bring about the rush, but I seldom drop from it.

Perhaps it is just a drug.  Just something natural instead of ingesting some sort of outside substance.  Normally I have nothing close to an addictive personality though, so this may simply be an odd quirk for me to be this drawn to.

It leads me to experience so many things though, and to feel the drive to find so many more, and that is something I love, because I get to see and feel so many things in this world that others wouldn't think of, and that's just amazing.

Thursday, October 30, 2014

Locked Up

The last few weeks have had such an insane amount going on, I feel like I can't relax.  I'm either going to perform, or have a thousand things to do, or have been helping Lux with the move.
And all these things are fun, and productive and I enjoy them.  Don't get me wrong, I love keeping busy, but it's been so much I haven't had a break.

Being home is more stressful than not.  My parents have a habit of taking their frustrations out on me, and use me more as an emotional punching bag than anything.  The gnome likes to try and dick me around, and any time I want to get out and do anything, it becomes a project just to make sure the beast is supervised.  It all adds up to me not being able to even clear my head here.

On the bright side, I'm back to teaching again, dancing regularly by myself.  I already notice myself getting into better shape after a few weeks, and I'm trying to go back to my normal nutrition nerd ways to really feel better and hopefully let my dysmorphia continue to fade, as I've been combating it rather well lately.

What I honestly need, is a weekend away without a ton of running around to do.  Nowhere fancy, just out of the house, perhaps kidnapped by someone, with lots of snuggles and giggles.  To cook, and read, and breathe fresh air without juggling a thousand things.

It really is the simple things that help me relax.  I'm not even sure why such simple things are so difficult for me to find lately, but I do hope they come soon, before the holidays start, because my stress levels are usually through the roof at that part of the year.


Sunday, October 26, 2014

Simplify

A while ago, I had a friend randomly text me with a question.

"If two couples go out, it's a double date, and if you go out with a romantic prospect, it's a date, so what do you call it when a couple takes out a possible third?"

And I sat and thought about it, wondering why it needed to be that difficult.  Why we needed to label our interactions with others, and figure out ways to classify everything we did in their own little piles.

My response to her was "It is a date.  However, my answer may be a bit skewed compared to many you would ask.  For me, a date is any time I'm out with someone, and we put the rest of life aside for a while.  No phones, or work, or distraction.  Simply time focused on the people involved."

She loved the answer, and felt satisfied with it.

Then I remembered one boy I used to work with.  He was a bit younger than me, but was constantly worrying if she was viewing their time as dates, or if he should consider them that instead of just time hanging out, as if calling it a date was some serious ordeal.

And we stopped what we were doing, in the middle of work, and had a half hour long conversation, while sitting on the floor.

Why do we date?
To see if someone is compatible?
To strengthen a bond?
To get away from life?
To learn.

We're out with someone to learn about who they are.  How they've changed, how they think, how they mesh with our own minds and lives.  From there, we learn how the details of their minds, twisting together everyone involved into an intimate moment where we learn by looking at them without walls and masks and all the bullshit of everyday life.

And it doesn't matter if it is a romantic interest, or a friend, or a family member.  It doesn't matter if you go somewhere super fancy, or take a walk in the woods, or simply go for a drive.  So long as you let down those walls, and let someone look into who you are, you've gotten away from your everyday life, put aside all bullshit, and can learn about how they truly see you.

Dates are not about titles, and dressing up, and showing off.  They're about learning who you trust.  They're about learning who looks at you with all your flaws blindingly clear, and still sees you as being amazing.  Don't worry who they are with, or when, or what you're doing.  Just enjoy those intimate moments you get with the few people we all find in our lives who don't see our flaws as problems, but things that make us simply who we are.

Thursday, October 23, 2014

Reasons Why I Shouldn't Pay Attention to Porn pt 1

I love that I have a bunch of series on here by the way, just a random thought before starting this.

It's been mentioned here before that I don't watch porn.  I get bored rather than turned on, and while I am constantly horny, I seldom find my mind wandering through fantasies (perhaps as a defense mechanism) though I will look back on some particularly fun recent encounters often enough.

However, I do use Tumblr.  And my tumblr is pretty much just porn.  Small little images, gifs, and thoughts that I find attractive, or that I can relate to.  They usually don't turn me on than other porn would, but I find it more fun to take in these little tidbits and passing thoughts than actually sitting down to watch porn (which, really, I can't sit through a whole TV show, why the hell would I be able to watch porn?)

There are a few things that I've noticed in the many gifs of hetero-fucking that I scroll through on my dashboard, and I know that nothing in porn should be taken seriously, but enough of it is amateur, which is far more credible for being actual encounters rather than scripted movements.
Things that make me feel like I'm just odd when it comes to fucking.
Yes, this almost became another weird things post.

First, from what I've seen, the vast majority of girls futz with their clit while being fucked.  I know that compared to most my clit is pretty much dead, but I feel like it's odd that I don't need any attention paid to my clit whatsoever to get off and enjoy sex.  I feel way more, and honestly enjoy sex more the less someone plays with my clit, and just focuses on penetration with fingers and cocks.  I'm fully willing to accept that this is my own weirdness, and that many women need that stimulation to supplement intercourse, but it still seems odd to me.  It turns men into more of a masturbatory aid than anything else, and I want to be able to enjoy and focus on my partner first and foremost.

The other thing I've noticed, is that women rarely move while getting fucked.  Sure, a lot of what I look at is forceful power exchange related sexytimes, but it seems that unless the woman is on top, they just kind of lay there and let the man jerk off with either their vagina or their ass.  This, I would hate to be an odd case over.  When I'm with a partner, I find that I like a position less if I am unable to move.  I have in the past actually been accused of fucking partners too hard, and moving so much that they couldn't keep up.  I am wondering if perhaps they had only experienced women who would starfish the bed, and if this is the average.

So, yea, this is what I notice in porn.  Because I couldn't possibly just glance at something, find it hot, and move on.

Sunday, October 19, 2014

Confessions of a Female Nymphomaniac

You hear boys saying all the time that they don't get to fuck often enough.  That their girl turns them down on the regular, and how they wish they had someone to have sex with more frequently.

And then I come along, and say that I always want to fuck unless I'm really sick, or totally mentally broken.  That I want to go as often as I possibly can, as hard as I possibly can, and as long as I possibly can.

Those guys?  Yea, they're chomping at the bit, saying there is no way I could have a higher sex drive than they do, and that they can't wait to prove it.

Well, one of them winds up being a friend, and we start fucking.

In the beginning, they attribute it to the new partner craze where you can't stop banging.  The honeymoon phase in relationships.  But it doesn't slow down.  In fact, as I get more comfortable, I just want to bump uglies more and more frequently.  To top things off, one round with most guys is just enough to get me completely turned on, so if I don't get anything else, I pretty much just walk around feeling like I've been blue-balled for a few days.

Then I have the same constant issues.  They tell me they don't feel well.  They avoid hanging out unless it's only in a group.  Eventually, they ask to have sex less often.
And I tell them that's cool, because I want my partners to be happy and chill more than anything.

Then they tell me that my higher sex drive makes them feel emasculated.  That they feel obligated to fuck me, and that it is a chore with how often I want to have sex.  They say that my sex drive intimidates them to where they no longer want to have sex at all, because my desire for it makes them feel pressured.

And then I don't know what the fuck to do.  If I go back to not fucking them, they'll bitch, or whine that they feel bad they can't satisfy me.  If I continue to try and fuck them, they say it's a chore, and that they don't want to.

Not to mention the assholes who find out how high my sex drive is, and think they can get an easy lay.  Mind you I fuck such a small percentage of the guys who try, they rarely believe it.  They start talking shit, and claiming I'm lying, because, you know, that's gonna get them in my pants any faster.

It is honestly difficult having a sex drive as high as I do.  There have been so incredibly few people who have never had an issue with it, even before I first started having intercourse, that it probably helps contribute to how picky I am.

Thursday, October 16, 2014

Acknowledging Comforts

This weekend was a bonfire to get rid of a ton of scrap wood my father had handed me, and told me to get rid of.  A few friends showed up, despite a lot of them bailing, but it was still a good time.

Lux actually made the trip down for it, so we got lots of snuggletime, and he crashed at my place, which meant my bed was fantastically warm.

It also meant a lot of sex, and while the weekend prior was fun, I did enjoy getting to have him to myself for a night, and getting to fuck him for as long as I wanted (mostly).

I've also noticed that in the last few weeks, during our more private sessions, there has been increasingly more power exchange going on.  That accidental dynamic that we didn't really pay attention to?  The one that I know I mentioned about a month or so back?  Yea, we've definitely decided to dive into it.  It's just a step at a time, and honestly it supplements our normal interactions more than anything, but it's an incredibly comforting thing.

At this point, it's been well over a year since I've had any sort of power exchange that lasted more than a moment or two.  And that was a situation of unbalance, that didn't bring me any sense of peace or contentment.

When Lux and I are actively exchanging, I can't help but smile to myself.  He still feels the need to check in afterward, to assure himself that I'm not simply submitting because I feel obligated, or that he's not going further than I am comfortable with at any time.  While not really necessary, I do appreciate it.  He knows I've had plenty of shitty experiences, and doesn't want me to feel like he is going to be another one of them.  It feels even though.  This balanced exchange of give and take on both sides, with the roles we fit, and it makes me feel peaceful and happy.

He isn't quite used to this anymore I don't think, and it'll mean lots of reassuring snuggles and happy butt wiggles to get him comfortable with not having to hide or hold back any of his dommypants urges.  It's a job I'm very willing to take on though, because he should feel just as much peace from this as I do.

Things happen naturally for a reason, and when we acknowledge and encourage them, they have the opportunity to grow into something great.


Sunday, October 12, 2014

Gathering Information

Last weekend I had a somewhat impromptu trip up to Lux's apartment with a mutual friend (the one I posted about a couple weeks ago)  to help him get settled in.  This of course also involved getting to break in his new place by fucking as much as we possibly could in every room.  I went through the week prepping a box of some things he needed, and plotting with him all the wonderful sexy thoughts that go through our heads every day.

I have to say, I was a bit nervous at first.  Not even so much for how sex would go, as Lux is incredibly respectful, and often paranoid of me and how I'm doing, but of simply being around Nessa for that long of a drive, and then for the remaining time.  I often have problems being around people for extended doses.  This is especially true when I don't have other people to use as a buffer.  I however packed up my tablet to read, and my pliers to play with Lux's rings, and told myself that so long as I could manage the drive I'd be fine.

The weekend as a whole went swimmingly.  The drive up started on time, and when we got there it was very relaxed as we just sort of fell into roles.  We did some grocery shopping, because I had offered to make dinner, and breakfast the next morning, and there was a gratuitous amount of sex.

To which, I had a lot of fun, and interesting experience to process through.

For the first time, there was a threesome that didn't immediately dissolve into drama.  It was relaxed, and chill and calm and all the things that people hope group sex to be.  When sex wasn't happening, Lux and I were often found snuggling, and Nessa was taking care of dishes, or little domestic chores.
I have to say, that while I will never mind someone doing dishes, having someone perform any service for me is a bit uncomfortable.  I don't mind people asking if I would like something if they are up as well, and I don't have a problem asking for something, but for people to just take care of things, it is odd to me.  It makes me flail a bit, and I don't like it.

Everyone was happy with my cooking, which made me feel much better over all.  I enjoy doing domestic service, so for anyone else to do it, I feel like I'm floating with nothing to do, and it feels wrong.  I'd much rather do for myself and everyone else there, the good majority of the time.

Despite the amount of sex though, I found myself craving time to just grab Lux, tell Nessa we'd be back, lock ourselves in the bedroom, and snugglefuck him for a couple hours like we normally do.  Both to enjoy him without having to share, and to decompress from being around more than one person.  I had times where he fucked only me (more on that in a bit) but they felt like we were trying to sneak away during the small windows of time when she was sleeping or busy.  I have since brought this up to Lux, and while he assures me it was simply that those were the moments he wanted to just fuck me, it was the way it looked from my end.  Oh well.  Next time I will just throw him in a room to fuck him senseless whenever I don't want to share.

In the early hours of the morning, while hearing Nessa sound asleep, I felt Lux wake up, and he carefully climbed on top of me.  We've done this before, so we know how to keep quiet and movement to a minimum (Go ninja sex!).  Before the sun was completely up, we had some of the sweetest sex together I honestly think we've ever had.  While wrapped in each other's arms, Lux whispered all manner of dominance, control, and affection into my ear, and it had far more of an effect on me than I had ever expected.  I snuggled him contently as we fucked, and for the first time in a really long while, I noticed myself actually feeling in a submissive frame of mind.  Afterward, because we had not yet wanted to leave the warmth of the covers, we stayed curled up in the bed until it was far later than we are used to laying down for.

After breakfast, and of course the most beloved and necessary coffee, I was randomly tickling Lux as I normally do, and at one point he walked off.  After a second, I hopped into the bedroom, and found him in his closet, going through his toy bag.
And then I got beaten.
Because I deserved it.
No, really, I did.  I sent him lots of pictures while he was at work that he enjoyed, and made a good dinner, and breakfast, and snuggled him lots.  I do believe I deserved a hell of a beating.

Nessa hopped in to watch, as he hit me with far more force than she could imagine taking herself.  It wasn't the hardest beating he'd ever thrown me, but it was more than I'd gotten in a good long time.  My back got a solid flogging, and it felt so good that it's now loosened up and better than it has been for a while.  I also got to see how much force he uses when we swings at me, and where he normally just drops his arm, I can see his muscles flex and he brings the flogger down on me, and still wasn't hitting me hard enough to really hurt.

At one point though, between the mix of the beating, the power exchange, and probably the weekend as a whole, I started to get really floaty.  I was watching him fuck Nessa, and it was way hotter than I would expect myself to find it he were to be on the other side of the room fucking her right now.  The sexual part of my brain shut down a little, and so did my sadist, to where they weren't gone, but they certainly weren't anywhere near the levels they normally sit at.  I knelt on the floor, content in the floaty feeling, and figuring he would come back to me in a moment, when he had me get on the bed, and told me to hurt her, half expecting me to say no, because he noticed the change in my brainspace.  I did, but not to the extent I would have in near any other situation.

This honestly was the first time Lux had beaten myself and someone else having to calibrate back and forth.  I told him about all of this, and said that possibly in the future, he should beat me second, not only to see how I react to it altogether, but that way he can go as hard on me as he wants, and not have to worry about scaling back after.

Then we snuggled more, and I do wish I could have fucked him at least once more before leaving (or better yet, staying longer) it was a fantastic visit.

There's a lot to sort through after that, but it certainly went as well as we could ever possibly expect it to.

Thursday, October 09, 2014

Storytime Two! Or, Why I Didn't Give Blowjobs for Nearly a Decade

So, there I was, confronted with the only penis I'd ever had anywhere near my face.  I'd licked it on a few occasions, realized I hated saliva and moved on without any real issue, because, you know, squicking isn't sexy.

I had decided that if I didn't have a chance to look at the spit, and if my hands weren't on his cock to feel the spit, I'd be fine.  It was a sound theory in my head, and something that I figured would work.

Staring down the cock (and poking at it a few times.  No, really, I do this)  I take the head in my mouth, and start going down on the guy.  He knows this is the first time for me, knows my gag reflex is horrible, and knows that I squick from bodily fluids.
About twenty seconds in, he grabs the back of my head, and pushes me down so hard I panic.  I don't want to vomit, so instinct kicks in so his cock doesn't gag me and cause me to throw up.
I bit down.
A lot.
Like pit bull vice grip bite.
On his cock.

Give it a minute.
Give it a minute.

You've all let go of your junk from your own panic over that thought?  Cool.

So, he grabs tighter on my hair, to fight the pain, but I can now pull my head away from his cock.
There is... a lot of blood.
And I don't think a penis is supposed to look like that.

He is embarrassed, and tells me to get his roommate to take him to the hospital.
I never heard from him after that.  I don't even know if his cock still worked.

Needless to say, that had me a bit freaked over giving head ever again.  Guys would ask, and I'd say no, and that was that.  Eventually once I did start feeling more comfortable, I thought maybe I'd try again.
To which I realized, most guys don't clean up their junk.
Every guy I thought about sucking off had gross smeg all over their dick.
You know what's not sexy?  Dickcheese.

And then I hated the idea of having a cock anywhere near my face again.

It wasn't until I had kicked out the gnome that I had started going down on guys again, because finally I had found some boys who would be both respectful, and take care of upkeep on their dangly parts.  With those two requirements covered, I found I enjoyed sucking cock.
A lot.
Like, a lot.

You know those sounds you make when someone hands you a fresh, warm home made cookie right from the oven?
Yea, those happen.  It's just that happy and satisfying for me.

If I hadn't learned how much I enjoy it though, I probably would have stopped again.  Thrax used to get drunk and force my head down on his cock and leave it there.  I would be so panicked about biting down, that I would vomit, and then freak over having thrown up.  The act would leave me shaking in the bathroom after cleaning myself up, and I'd have to wait him out until he'd pass out before I would go back into my room.

Luckily though, I've yet to have that issue with any other partners since then.  After a quick (but thorough) inspection, I've been free to nom on cock to my heart's content.

Sunday, October 05, 2014

Weird Things that Make Me Feel Weird Part... Five! I think

One of the things that contributes most to people mistaking my sexual orientation is the fact that I will still play with girls.  I am often heard saying that I love beating up girls, and have no issue tying them up, breaking their minds, or beating the shit out of them.

And then when I say I'm straight, they just don't understand.
Even when I offer to play with female friends, they don't quite get it.

Because I offer them non-sexual playtime.

For some reason, the ability to separate play and sex is such a rare thing in my area.  And sure, sometimes I want all the kink in my sex.

But more often than not, there is no sex in my kink.

I'm not talking about the occasional play session that doesn't end in me bouncing on a cock.

I mean that a good majority of my experience with play barely involves removing clothes.  There is no interaction with genitalia, no smooches, no sex at all.  And this concept confuses the fuck out of people.

Until they play with me.

I find that when I play, and most especially when I top, the cold logical parts of my sociopath become unabashedly visible.  The sexual part of my brain turns off, and I am so much more driven by a very primal instinct.  I no longer really view the bottom as human, but something to pull reactions out of.  I want to see how you mark and squirm and scream, regardless of gender.  There's this mad science to it once I begin to figure it out, and the last thing I'm concerned about at that point is whether or not I'll be getting off.

And because of that, I put off no sexual vibe whatsoever.  Due to that, whoever I'm playing with tends to feed off of it, and is able to get through the session without finding it sexual either, even if sexy playtime is all they've experienced prior.

You know what though?  Generally, they dig it.  They find they have a different satisfaction from it, just as I do, and find themselves wanting it more in the future.

Maybe I'm just odd for not incorporating sex with kink early on.  It seems to be a rather handy thing at this point though.

Thursday, October 02, 2014

How to get into my pants (an instruction manual)

Oh yea, that's right, I actually feel the need to type this up lately.


  1.  Never assume anything about me.  I will surprise you.  From the first moment, to years later, there will be things about me that you will not expect, and assuming the wrong thing, and treating me that way will only kill your chances.  Common things that occur with this are my sexuality, orientation, or gullibility.
  2. Don't try and get anywhere the first time we hang out in person.  Sure, we can talk sex, and play and all of it, but don't suggest anything.  I've got a very strict "No play on the first date" policy, and trying to break it, will result in me breaking you.
  3. No means no, but yes does not mean push further.  If I'm cool with something, enjoy that.  I'll take things further if I'm comfortable with it.  Trust me, I have no issue taking the initiative sexually.
  4. Make the first move.  Yes, this means after we've hung out at least once.  Even just a small comment of interest works.  In fact, a single line like that is the best possible thing.  Otherwise, I have no clue you have any interest, and won't want to make the first move myself.  I have no problem flirting back and forth and furthering things once that barrier is broken though.
  5. The more you try, the more I will want to set you on fire.
  6. Never feel like you're entitled, or have another person on your team to try and talk me into it.  I'm really good at saying no, and even better at performing amputations.
  7. Treat me like a person.  Seriously.  Have the same conversations with me that you would have with any of your friends.
  8. In fact, want to actually become my friend.  I will not fuck or play with someone who isn't my friend first, or that I don't think could be my friend.  I won't just be a booty call, or a hook up, but I will fuck the shit out of you, cook you dinner, and watch random movies with you, just because.  There's got to be more than bumping uglies involved.
  9. Remember shit about me.  If I bring up a limit, and you decide you want to do that with me an hour later, it is sure as hell going to make me feel like you don't give a fuck about me, other than my genitals.  And if you don't give a fuck, I won't either.  It doesn't need to be insane, but I will remember what you tell me, so it's a courtesy to try and do the same.
  10. Understand that I am weird.  I've got a lot of things with my brainbox that aren't like a normal person.  Dealing with me is an experience, and there's a lot of learn that you aren't used to.  If you look at me like I'm a freak, I'm just going to want to set you on fire
Yup, that's about all.  This shouldn't even need to be written, but it has become necessary.
Wow.  There's a lot of threat of bodily harm in there.  Oh well!

Sunday, September 28, 2014

Surprise Experiment

You know that post I had a couple weeks ago about thinking I capable now of things I was completely broken over a year ago?

Yea, well, I had the chance to actually test some of  that out recently.
It went fantastically.

It wasn't really set up beforehand, but everyone was aware of everyone else's situation, and limits to respect.  It was comfortable, and everyone involved walked away happy.

Honestly, I've never had a threesome actually go that well before.  Had I not been packing up from performing at a faire, I would have wanted to just snuggle and revel in it for an hour or so afterward.

It gives me so much hope for the future, and really proves to me that people can make all the difference with every interaction.

Also, knowing how nervous Lux was and how happy he was afterward just over the fact that I was as good with it as I was made me find him that much more amazing.

On a side note, this was the first time that I've done anything to a girl and had it not completely shut down the sexual part of my brain.  Mind you, I was already turned on from molesting Lux, and were making out and all the whole time.  I also wasn't specifically playing with her to start before it turned sexy, but it's something, and it honestly surprised me when I thought back on it after.

I almost want to play with this further, and see just what I can do with learning any of this.  It really does show how we evolve, and I want to see what I am capable of after seeing that Lux does make me comfortable with so much more than I thought I could do just a short time ago.

Thursday, September 25, 2014

Reflection

As a teenager, I was usually the one being dumped.  My relationships didn't last long (and in fact, I think nothing that lasts less than a month actually counts, which means a good lot of them don't) but it was the same issue every time.

Not that we fought.
Not that cheating occurred.
Not that we hurt the other in any way.

No, the thing  that each one of them didn't stand for was that it just felt like we were good friends who fooled around.  
And who was I to argue.  They were dating a teenage sociopath.  There isn't going to be this soul-stopping connection.

Then I found Kitty, and experienced what actual romantic love was.
It wasn't a crush.  It wasn't this all consuming thing.  
I felt inspired.
I noticed myself grow, evolve, and be happier as a person, whether he was around or not.
And when I did think about him, or talk to him, or spend time with him, I felt at peace.
It didn't matter what drama was happening, or the issues going on.  He could make me put them aside, smile, and then go back and tackle them.

It was the most amazing, freeing thing I'd ever experienced.

And, I find it interesting when people can't separate what a crush and what love is.  There is no fireworks, or explosions.  No intense driving emotion (unless you hurt someone I care about, in which case you will wish for death).  There is comfort, and a feeling of rightness.  That no matter what comes your way, you can tackle it, and still have time for a snuggle before going off to bed.

I find it incredible that something that drives so many people is probably not completely understood by even half of them.  And so many more people so searching for it, not knowing what it even feels like.

Sunday, September 21, 2014

Spawnpoint

Recently I've noticed that the downfalls of social media have appeared in my conversations with friends.  How it triggers them in ill ways, makes them want to talk to others less, and in general, brings them down.

It seems as though the resource we use to create connections, and sprouts convenience also causes depression and disappointment, which shouldn't have to go hand in hand.

And, to be honest, I entirely understand why.  It's basic human logic, and something that even I am guilty of at certain points in my life.

We're taught to share the bad.  That talking it out, and venting will help, and others will listen, and embrace us in care and aid.  So every small thing we encounter we spew onto the feeds of others, unable to process and deal with any of it ourselves.  Why should we take on that weight alone, if hundreds of others can give a hand, and make the load lighter?  So we see negativity, expecting others to step in and help, despite their own issues, which they are looking for the same aid in.

We're taught to hide the good.  That bragging is bad, and brings out jealousy, greed, and envy in others.  Instead of simply being grateful for the fantastic things that happen to our loved ones, we become fed up with seeing optimistic positivity.  We are taught that celebration of our own lives is an act of pride, and so should be avoided, unable to acknowledge the great things that life hands us.

The convenient nature of social media also leads to constant almost harassing hums of inane material to break up the negativity filling our feeds.  Pictures of food, selfies, memes that lack common sense or logical balance, or quotes so generic that they are put on images knowing they will get tons of recognition.  And we continue to like and share and spread them around because we have no reason not to.  It is a digital feed, with no paper trail, and it isn't hurting anyone, right?

Then there are the people who try to spew issues there before going to the people they should be talking to.  I've seen break ups occur just over social media, with the other party not knowing until they logged on to check their feed.  Vaguebooking in order to be coddled, instead of walking up to the friend or family member and saying what the problem is.  While sometimes it is good to bounce thoughts off of a friend, and see if they are overreacting, we simply blast them away via the power of the internet, and never work to actually solve things with basic interaction.

It's a recipe for disaster, and with so many younger people now embracing the digital conveniences of it all, we've lost the ability to actually talk to others.  We no longer know how to create balance in our own lives, and we live within the feed of constant negative thoughts floating about on all our devices and it doesn't do any of us the smallest bit of good.

 Maybe there is something to be done here, and we can bring a touch of help to this bottomless pit of distress and despair.  There's too much in life to celebrate to let a digital feed kill it all away.

Thursday, September 18, 2014

Muffinbutton

Ok, so very few people are going to understand that title.  Nerdcookies to those who do.

I've got a few buttons on my person that can actually change my demeanor completely.
No, I don't quite mean in the way that harmful triggers do.  Not the things that cause others to curl up, panic, and need to calm themselves.

They're buttons that when someone makes contact with them, a certain part of my mind takes over, and it's completely different with each one.

No, this isn't a cheat sheet to where they are.  Really, that's just taking out all the fun.

However, I've got three, so learning where they are can be really handy for the right person.  Or dangerous, considering...

The first one brings about violence.  It's technically two buttons at once, but they are easy and convenient to hit at the same time.    The slightest bit of pressure on them will have me swinging in a blood rage, trying to tear apart whoever was so (un)fortunate as to hit them.  This has been a fun surprise more than once for people, as it left them a happy sore mess at the end of it all.

The second sort of causes an immediate boner which can't be talked down, and I have been known to practically tear the clothes off of other in an attempt to fuck them as soon as they make contact with it.  Luckily, it's a part that most people don't make contact with unless we're already physically comfortable with each other, though I have had to talk it down while playing with others in the past, because I was unsure where we stood, and whether or not sex was an option at that point.

The last has actually been broken by Thrax due to abuse, but I have discovered since splitting with him that it does still work with others.  When even a fingertip grazes it, as much as it fights my normal personality, it brings a more submissive demeanor to surface for a few minutes.  I've got to be completely squared off against it for it not to work.  For the few who have touched and triggered it though, it's like finding instant ownership over me.  I become obedient, and I soften over with the person who manages to find it.  Thrax started to use it to just get whatever he wanted, and so that I wouldn't tell him anything he didn't want to hear.  Eventually it started having the opposite effect with him, just because I wasn't going to be manipulated.

However, for those that actually make contact with me enough to find those buttons, look at the chances you're taking, and what fun is possible.

Hooray!

Sunday, September 14, 2014

A Letter

I know you're moving, and probably won't read this until a day or two after it goes live, due to your own exhaustion, and being busy.
Then again, you tend to look for those few minutes of escape to read things here, so you may get to it as soon as you are out of the car after your long ass drive to the frozen north.

I am sorry you feel so worried about me through all of this.  I know I steel myself over from almost everything, which makes me difficult to read.  Admittedly, the first week after you said you were moving I was terrified.  You would find some scene up there, fall into place, meet some girl (or boy, or both!), and fall away like so many other people.  I'd become some irritation of your past that tried to creep back in and get shooed away, no longer a part of where you are.
At the same time I was terrified that you wouldn't find any of it.  That you'd become reclusive, and hide from everything life has to offer.  You'd fall back into your depression, and avoid contact just because you couldn't shake everything that had crept into your head.  Being that far I couldn't do anything to help, or eventually even know if you were ok.

And then I felt how nervous you were about it, for all the same reasons, and I knew that together we wouldn't let any of it happen.  Between the two of us, we were so concerned about the other that you were almost kept from something truly fantastic.  That sledgehammer to the feels was honestly the best thing you could have done to me (short of a beating immediately after; we could both use the violence), and since then I've known that as much as you're moving, you're not going anywhere unless I'm dumb enough to send you away.

Helping you with all of this is actually a steadying thing.  There is no need to apologize for any of it, or to feel like what I am there for is cruel or hurting.  Being around you at all is more help than if you were doing this all by yourself, and relaxes me.  The fact that you want me there shows that you appreciate me enough not to disappear.

And really, I know where you're going to be working, as well as where you'll be living.  The fact that you aren't frightened of that shows that we're close enough that you're not leaving my life in the slightest.  I intend to be up there as often as I can, and spend as much time with you as possible.

This is a good thing for you.  You need to get away from the stress of your parents, and work more towards the fantastic things you are meant to do.  It'll help you in the long run, and I'll be right there to help with anything else necessary.  I'm looking forward to seeing how you grow there, and finding all the trouble we will be able to make up there.

You are a fantastic part of my life, and someone I want to keep as close as possible, for as long as I can.  The connection I have to you is that reminder of what we're all supposed to be looking for, and in the best way possible.

I'll tell you the same thing I told to Kitty about a decade ago now.  You've found a place in my life, and managed to become one of the few people I truly and completely care about.  Unless you seriously fuck up, or die, no bit of that will change.

Thursday, September 11, 2014

Clean Slate

I've recently been thinking about some of the things I thought I simply wasn't capable of as far as sex and play had been concerned.  Not my limits mind you, but just certain scenarios that I didn't think I could ever deal with due to my past, and how it would affect me now.

Thrax and the gnome left me pretty heavily fucked up about a lot of things.  Between rape, being put down for my sex drive, being told my asking to play every few months was pushy and too forceful for a slave it didn't leave me in the best mental shape.
Then add in the lies, disregard for my well-being, attempts at manipulation, and totally ignoring what I'd clearly asked of them.  It adds to that pile.

I was at a point a year ago where I couldn't imagine co-topping ever again, submitting to any real extent, having someone else present while I topped someone, or having another girl as a third in any way, or my being a third.

And it's been a year, I've had a lot of good experiences to ease my mind on a lot of things, and I've been constantly reminding myself of one thing.

Any partner I have from here out is not Thrax.
They are not the gnome.
They are no one that has fucked me up in the past.

I can't treat them like they will do the same, because they aren't the same person.  I've become increasingly guarded over the last while because of them, and so anyone who actually manages to get close to me has proven themselves time and again.  It isn't fair to them for me to cut them short like that, and they deserve the trust they've earned.

Sure, there are some things I legitimately am not interested in, or don't work for my personality and style, but there's a world of fun to be had.

I can't let the bullshit in my past create barriers in my future.

It might take some actual negotiation prior, so I can parse over it all, and be sure I'm comfortable with it all.  I might need plenty of snuggles before and after.  I may need small bits of reassurance even during any of it.

There are people in my life that I know wouldn't fuck up the place they have in my life over something so small as a single interaction, and would want to take care of me through it, and that alone is worth being open to the chance.

I've learned a lot in a short amount of time.  I know what I am capable of, and I know not to stand for anything less than what I deserve, which is all the respect and care I know that I give.

Sunday, September 07, 2014

Sledgehammer

After I typed up my last post, I sent it to Lux, because it knocked me a bit too off center to type it up.
Which he read.
At work.
While on the phone.

Yea, I probably should have realized he would do that.  Oh well.  He kept himself from tearing up while working, so that's good.

I told him that I just needed to keep reminding myself that he isn't anyone else that I've known, or dealt with in the past, and I need to treat it like something new.  He brought up that I say the same thing to him, that I am not his past partners, when he is worried about something that has been an issue with others in the past.

Hooray insecurities!  Yea, that might be a reoccurring theme of this post.

The next day he asked if he could come down after work, and invade my bed.  As I am not one to say no to the chance to snuggle sexy menfolk all night, I was all for it.  I figured he just needed time to clear his head after accepting the job and realizing everything that needed to get done.  Snugglefucks were had, and I enjoyed a night being curled up against him.

I will take this time to let you know that I never really acknowledge the possibility of someone actually having serious feelings for me.  I know me.  I know my faults, and I know how difficult I can be.  Any time anyone actually tells me they give a shit about me, I have to kind of stare in disbelief while I process it.  It catches me so off guard, even though it may be completely obvious to everyone around me.  It's fun, in a not so fun kind of way.

It also explains why I'm usually determined to do things by myself, and never expect anyone to actually do anything for me.

Hooray insecurities!

Lux and I wind up going to a party in the afternoon, and on the way, while cruising the town near where he lives, he starts for serious conversation.
"Now that it's just us in the car..."

Oh balls, we are never seriousface.  I immediately steel myself over, because I don't know how to process over things like this right away, and I have no idea what to expect.

He tells me it's not fair to the beast to uproot her.
He tells me  he doesn't think he could be a stepfather.
My mind races while I'm still externally at a baseline.
He tells me he really wants me to go up there with him.
He tells me that if I wasn't in the picture, he would have taken this job right away, with no mental conflict on his part.

Well, if that doesn't hit like a sledgehammer to the feels.  I try to distract myself with Ingress, and keep my breathing level while I start to process.  I want to say more, but I can tell that was a lot for him.

I tell him that he is right to think this is a bad time to uproot the beast, and that it would be extending beyond his means.
I tell him I wouldn't be able to stay with him right away, because of his living situation for the first while.
I tell him I will spend as much time with him as I can, and that I'm not going anywhere that he has to worry about.

What I don't tell him is that I never expect him to be any sort of father to the beast, but just to care about her.  I've been through this before, and I know how weird it can be.
I don't tell him that I had no idea I was such a contributing factor to his conflict over the job.
I don't tell him that I had no idea he even felt that way about me, and that when we hug I have to keep reminding myself it's his affection I feel, and not that something is wrong with the amount of emotion coming off of him.
I don't ask if he's saying that the beast is the reason we're not actually dating.
I don't ask if the distance will be the reason we don't actually start dating.
I don't ask if he even wants to.
I don't say or ask a thousand things that go through my mind.  We don't have time.  We're already at his friend's place.

Hooray insecurities!

The party is fun, and calm.  So much more than many of the shindigs I am used to.

We head out at a decent time, and go sit by the beach for a while.  We're snuggled together the whole time, and all the things I didn't say come flooding back into my thoughts.  I'm still processing everything that he said, and that he actually has the feelings for me that he apparently does.

After a little while we make the drive back to my place, and we hug for what feels like forever, and a split second before I go into the house.  We keep trying to make sure the other is ok, because neither one of us quite knows how to deal with all the emotions flying around.  In a way, I am more calm, and in so many others I am feel overloaded with thoughts and ideas and everything.

I'm so bad at this emotions thing.
Two sociopaths trying to feels at each other.  This is the end product.  A whole mess of not knowing what to say, because we're both trying to logic through.

Thursday, September 04, 2014

Those Held Closest

A bit of background:
I met Kitty in June of 2004.  We were at a larp, and without any intention, wound up sitting up all night talking, instead of going to sleep like we should have.  No introduction before that; we were both simply awake outside the inn, giggling about random horrible thoughts.  A few months later I invited him to stay in the cabin with us, because he didn't know where he was staying, and after that, we started messaging on AIM nearly every day.
We would call each other a few days a week and chat on his commute home from work, or when the girlfriend he was living with was busy with whatever else.  Once winter hit, we started hanging out almost weekly, and we would share a tent at events and faires, because we both liked to snuggle, and it was a convenient sleeping arrangement for us.

Our friendship became something that no one really knew what to think of.  I could contact him when no one else could, and he would call me having panic attacks instead of his girlfriend.  We constantly held hands when we were out, and snuggled as often as we could.  He wound up being the person I lost my v-card to, and the first person I ever fell in love with.  Everyone who saw us thought we were dating, because he didn't often mention his girlfriend.

We never did date though, even though he occasionally split with his girl, because I didn't want to risk fucking up the friendship we had.  In all my teenage insanity, apparently I had that straight.

The gnome tried to forbid us from talking to each other, because he believed all the rumors that had been spread about us at larp (which weren't true, but we giggled over often given how nonsensical they were).  We continued to talk anyway, and when he eventually got married, he went off with his wife to Hawaii to work with WWOOF, and I stopped hearing from him much.

Then the gnome and I split, and he came back, and said he was getting a divorce.  We agreed we wouldn't allow the other to become a rebound, but started talking on the regular again, like nothing had changed.  He brought a peace and happiness to my life, the kind people are lucky to even have a few moments of.

And then he met a new girl, and this girl couldn't stand the place I had in my life, and forbid that we talk anymore.  Where I had made sure never to cut him out of my life, he left then.  I had the connection with someone that most people dream of, and it died off, right there.

Ok, maybe that was more than a bit.

So, for some reason while life has shit on me in a lot of ways, I've managed to find a connection like that not just once, but twice now.

Lux found me online while I was just at the tail end of an internet hiatus last year after breaking up with Thrax.  We messaged a little bit, and finally met at a faire we both worked at.  We chatted some, and almost immediately after going home, I started texting him.

And we've been texting constantly ever since.  From the beginning, talking to him wasn't an awkward chore of tiptoeing along, worrying what I could share, and what would be too much.  It was that comforting peace that occurs when two people just mesh.  Sure, we've got differences, but they are these fantastic things we learn from each other.

We inspire, push, teach, learn, and grow from each other.  Just being there helps, and fixes so much.  We do nearly everything together at this point, and everyone thinks we're dating, almost refusing to believe when we say it isn't the case.  From the outside, I can understand it.  We're affectionate, always together, and made happier just by the other person's presence.  We are constantly honest, and make the other a big part of our lives.  It's a better relationship than most people have who are dating, and yet we see no need to actually make that distinction to specify such a title.

Even in a sense of power exchange, we naturally fall into actions that look like a serious D/s relationship.  Where we both tried to keep even ground, and actually tried to avoid power exchange, we've wound up with some sort of dynamic between us happening, just acting in the way that makes us happiest.

I don't know how many people wind up finding something like this even once, let alone twice.

And I am so afraid I'm going to lose it again.

Lux is off to work with a new company up in New York in a couple weeks, and so he'll be a few hours away from here.  He will no longer be the short half hour ride away that he was, and I am terrified I'm going to lose him the same way I lost Kitty.

I'm so worried this is how things will wind up being for me.  That I'll wind up losing anyone I wind up having a real, solid connection to, and continue to just date a bunch of abusive asshats.

However, I want him to be happy, and if that means taking that risk, and possibly losing him from my life, I'm more than willing.  I'm not about to pull something that selfish, and try to keep him here when he could be living up to his potential elsewhere.

I will always look back to the memories I have with him and smile, whether we are still making them together, or not.

Sunday, August 31, 2014

Create

A side note from kinkysexythings, because there is so much more to my life.

I make things.  A lot of things.  I have a lot of constructive hobbies, and am actually learning to make enough things to make crafting my job.

In the past few weeks, I've made a metric fuckton of stuff, and I thought I show you a couple pictures.


So, that is a cotte for Lux.  It's based off a fourteenth century kirtle pattern I used for myself when making my own set of garb.  Yes, I'm swimming in it.  That's because I'm about half his size.  As an idea on proportion, it's supposed to only go to his knee, and comfortably fitted in the chest.
Also, those drawings are all mine from high school.


Everything that I'm wearing here, I made.  The scale bra is entirely hand woven, and I made up the pattern as I went along.  The scale belt is actually a crocheted base, because I learned to crochet scale into a panel.  


Better shot of the back of the belt.  It's all tightly woven chain mail, mixing a few patterns.  The base for that killed my hands something fierce.

I'm also crocheting a new belt, am in the process of making Lux a kilt, and a ton of other things.
Yes, I make everything, because if I don't, I'll go insane.

Thursday, August 28, 2014

Codes

I often hear men talking about a desire for women with no or little morals.  Whenever they show their excitement over it, it makes my thoughts go Princess Bride all over the place.

This does not mean what you think it means.

Morals can cover our entire life code.  Being able to set personal limits based on what we believe are the actions of a good and true person, and sticking to them is a sign of strength.  We challenge ourselves with our morals against the obstacles life throws at us.

It's not having unprotected sex with new partners, even if it means not fucking when you want to.

It means being honest to your partners.

Morals help us build bonds between people.  It makes us consistent, reliable partners.  Finding someone with a similar moral code helps find compatible mates that can live together.

To live without morals is to live without any regard for yourself or anyone else.  It endangers lives, and destroys our connection to the world.

And I suppose if you felt that way yourself, you may find companionship in someone similar, until you both fucked each other over long enough that you couldn't be around the other.

Personally, I have very strong morals, for the ones I have.  They make me a trustworthy person, who lives somewhat safely, while still being able to enjoy all the experiences life throws at me.
And really, that's something worth striving for.

Sunday, August 24, 2014

Expectations

I saw a post on Fet the other day that made me rage.  Saying that sluts have standards sometimes, and that they need to be taken out on classy dates in order to consider fucking a guy, and that it is what is necessary before fucking is even an option.

The fuck now?

I mean, I'm all for being careful and picky about partners; it's something I do myself.  I don't fuck people I've just met, and I don't fuck people without chatting a while first.

There's a huge difference though.

She said she wanted someone to drop a ton of cash to take her out somewhere that she would need to be dressed up, having someone more or less buy their way into her pants.  I just want to become friends with a person first.  Chatting, giggling, finding common interests.  Sex is better when there is a bond, and being able to snuggle and share nerdy ideas afterward makes it just fantastic.  I however, don't want someone to throw money at me.  It feels fake, and I'd much rather just run around in the woods for an afternoon, and then make out in the middle of a forest without anyone else around.

This is part of why some guys feel they need to buy their way into a girl's pants, or that if they go through these gestures, they are entitled to sex.

And I know a lot of girls who are this way, and it is the reason I am constantly trying to tell guys not to randomly buy me things, or do things for me.

Mind you, I am a fan of dates when I'm looking to date someone, but my preference of a date is never anything that takes me out of what I would feel natural doing.  I feel like a date is anything that creates intimate time between people, where the focus is on enjoying and learning about each other, and putting the world aside.  Taking a walk through the woods, going to a museum and sharing random facts, going to a favorite dive and learning food preferences, getting a cup of coffee and going for a drive, sitting on a boardwalk and enjoying a cigar together.  They are all fantastic dates that build a bond between people, and help me learn about who I'm with.

I feel like so many people are too caught up in status and society to get right down to what we're really looking for on a base level.  Finding something to enjoy about the person you are with, and building strong, loving bonds.  And if that's not what you're looking for, at least an attraction to the person themselves, that lets you enjoy them, and feel like you can keep them in your life even after you mash privates.

Thursday, August 21, 2014

Symbiosis

I've been craving power exchange fairly constantly lately, so I thought I might write about it.

As a switch, I often look at both sides of exchange fairly carefully with any of my partners.  I find it is easy for me to figure out what they're thinking, and explain things that relate to them.

Power exchange is inherently that.  An exchange.
And oddly enough, and equal one.

Oh yea, that's right.  Two people are in a relationship as equals, even if some elements have some extreme skews to them.  And that makes those people happy, gives consistency, comfort, and fulfills the needs of both people in the relationship.

On a base level, they are two people who want to take care of one another, with needs that fit together in a way that makes both their lives easier and happier places to be.  Power exchange with a partner should feel natural, though the addition of real life is what presents the challenge.

Domly folk enjoy taking care of a person through guidance.  They want to see a person flourish, grow, and become something great.  Seeing that happen, and knowing they had a hand in it does feed their own ego, but they enjoy simply seeing the person evolve, and rise to their potential.  In response, they push themselves to grow, and learn along with their partner, both constantly pushing and reaching new levels of awesome.

Submissives tend to use service as means of caring for their partner.  Taking on chores, and tending to the more regular needs of the domlyfolk.  This in turn takes a lot of weight off their partner's shoulders, so they can work on taking care in return.  They fill the holes the other person has, taking on their weaknesses, and making them both stronger in the long run.

It is a constant cycle of working alongside the other, acting and giving thanks, that shows the appreciation the two have for each other.

And yes, I do believe that both submission and dominance should be earned, but it should be the same as earning a person's trust, care, and love.  Show someone that you are honest, that you appreciate them, that you grow from them being there, that you are nothing but yourself around them, and that you will be consistent with them in your life, and it'll bring about a more solid exchange of power than any amount of play could.

Sure, the kneeling, begging, hitting, demands, use, tying, degrading, and force are sexy, but they aren't what inspires the exchange.  They aren't what causes that sense of contentment and rightness that we are all searching for.  We create that in the everyday exchange we have.