A New Devious Chapter

One day last week was particularly draining for me, though it had a lot of good come from it. Lux and I wound up talking through a bunch of stuff, and at the same time, I was feeling very frustrated with Kitty.  Over the summer, there were countless times when we'd planned to talk, and I'd sat waiting to hear from him, or even though I would send him regular messages trying to keep up communication, I had only got a small scattering of responses, usually with no actual information about his goings on. It had me feeling such a mix of bad things.  I felt ignored, and like he was taking advantage of how loyal he knows I am.  I felt like he was just leaving me aside as he tried to balance his other partners, that I could simply be dropped while he tended to them.  It felt like even after I spoke up from my visit, I was just hearing less and less from him.  Like he was leaving again, but more slowly this time. I had planned to bring it up to him after camp.  He had enough on h

I had a really interesting moment while at Pennsic, and walking away from it, I felt really happy, and proud of myself. One day, in between classes I had a couple free hours.  Instead of walking back to camp and getting comfy only to have to go back, I decided to use that time to look around the vendors for a new mug, as mine was old and dead.  While walking by, I was stopped by an artist whom I had met a Flea.  He called me over, trying to pull schpeel about his product, of which I was fairly uninterested.  I tried to make conversation at a casual level, but he kept pushing product down my throat, which is probably the worst way to get me to buy something.  Even when I tried to talk art with him, stating that I'd put together a coloring book earlier this year, and loved doing anatomy drawings, he just tried to say that I needed some of his drawings. Alright, so this guy didn't even see people as people, but only a wallet.  Got it. And at one point, he says "You know

One of the happiest things about Pennsic this year was how much I saw Lux growing, and taking steps to move forward from many things. He wants to be acknowledged as a fighter, and move forward in his knowledge and skill in the SCA, instead of just being a stickjock.  This will likely lead to us making and researching a ton of fun and interesting things in the future, and my helping him to be seen more as an incredibly competent fighter. Which, he managed to not only fight on the field, but enter other tournaments as well.  He tried the Tuchux tournament, and loved every moment of getting to grapple, and wrestle, and fight dirty compared to normal SCA rules.  He just pouted because he couldn't punch them.  Poor sadist. At the play party we went to, he was far more comfortable, actually said he wants to try doing more public play in the future.  He was also far more acknowledging of our power exchange as a whole, and seemed way more interested in beating me up.  All things that

While at Pennsic, Lux and I had to have lots of talks about the other people we were looking at doing things with. Now, generally we're pretty chill about other partners happening, just keeping reminders to be careful, and discussing the possible happenings with any of them.  When we need to put our foot down on someone, it's usually because they're having a serious negative effect, or may be harmful to the other. So, I had a very short, not real beating from a friend of ours the night we got on site.  That, and the time being tied by Murphy were totally cool with Lux, not only because we know how incredibly safe they are, but because he was present for the majority of it. He did however, feel nervous about the fire spinner that is super pretty.  He knows I can handle myself if shit goes down, but didn't know exactly what to expect that I had wanted (literally just to touch his butt, and not sex) because he usually goes right to wanting to fuck.  Even when I remin

I had a lot more time put into rope over Pennsic.  I watched a lot of different people get tied who reacted very differently, and definitely learned quite a bit more about my preferences in rope itself. I also got to see Lux get suspended.  In a yurt. For those of you not aware, Lux is a big brick wall of man who is over 300lbs.  And he went into the air, and got inverted and loved every minute.  It was super cool to watch, and is now the source of a lot of silliness and jokes and plans, but more on that later. However, I learned that I enjoy the challenge of rope.  I like feeling that pressure, and thinking to myself that I'm on a ride, and need to muscle through.  I absolutely prefer not being able to move, rather than a freedom of movement, and having to be careful of it.  That adventure of being put into place, and not knowing which way I'll be turned or twisted is fun, and makes for a super interesting ride with the top. I still don't space, or zen.  I keep a v

On the ride out to Pennsic, I apparently brought on what was the best rant from Lux ever. See, the fire spinner than I thought was super pretty last year?  Well, he and I started talking, and becoming friends, and I totally had plans to hang out with him and wanted to touch his butt.  Well, because Lux is bad with names, instead of calling him by his name, I simply referred to him as "cute boy". Well, apparently this was confusing for him, and struck a nerve.  The most adorable nerve ever. He went off.  About how for the longest time he was the cute boy, and how sometimes I say Kitty is cute, and he deals with that.  But that I've been saying I've been making plans with a cute boy, and talking about something with a cute boy, and he knows I don't mean him, and probably don't mean Kitty, and so which boy is cute boy in these situations. It went on for about ten minutes, and the entire time I giggled, feeling badly for making him feel less like he is the

I'm home from Pennsic, and this year was really fantastic.  Lux and I had a much better time than last year, and I felt far more comfortable over all.  Things moved a lot more smoothly, and it was a load of fun. My class went well, and I got in a lot of other solid classes.  Only one was a little disappointing, but the rest were all super fun and I picked up a few cute new things.  Unfortunately, we didn't spend anywhere near as much time at parties this year, so straight up dancing time was a lot lower than last year, but we still had fun nonetheless. The weather kicked everyone's ass.  It was so hot and humid that they were cancelling the heavy battles, and people were dropping left and right.  Most afternoons Lux and I would just lay next to each other, wanting to show affection, but avoiding contact.  The phrase "Don't touch me" became a joke for a few days, due to how gross it was.  With the exception of the first night, when we were clinging to each

This should be the last post prepped up before Pennsic.  You get fresh new stuff soon hopefully. And, speaking of which, this one is looking super busy for me, despite my previous entries! I've got eleven hours of dance classes across three days, a big dance show, and a munch to attend.  Parties at night, and lots of people I want to find time with. I want to find time to walk the camp and take pictures to show everyone. And now, my friend Ogre and Lux both want playtime with me, and are determined to beat me up.  Which, I'm certainly not going to complain about if it happens.  I'm looking forward to actually getting in play time again.  It should be really fun, and while it might be a project to cover the marks, I'll make due. I've also been talking to the cute boy from last year, and I'm pretty determined to touch butts.  I am however terrible at showing attraction toward someone until I develop enough mutual comfort with them to just be awkward and

I often feel like I'm cheating, or losing out on big adventures, because I very rarely do things with a lot of expectation.  It's probably a bit due to everything in the past, but as time has gone on, I've just stopped making a lot of expectations in regards to anything, because more often than not, I'm met with disappointment. For the last while, I've been getting messages, or hearing from Lux that he wants to make something of his Pennsic.  He wants to do this, or that, or focus on this for the week.  Like he has this mountain of fantasies to pack into our trip. And while I'm planning on attending a lot of classes, I know they're all feasible to me.  So long as it isn't too hot, I'll be tired at the end of the week, but they just depend on me taking a short walk every day.  I'd like to walk the grounds and take pictures one afternoon when I get the time, but again, that's just dependent on me finding time to mosey about around everythin

On my birthday, Lux handed me two bags of fabric.  See, he needed a ton of new tunics that actually fit his arms, and he didn't make any.  That left me with two weeks to make him tunics to wear for a week. Luckily, I did most of my personal packing well beforehand.  He questioned it when I did it.  I'm sure he's happy now. And my brother came to visit. Which means that with the beast home, and my brother visiting, I had to sew eleven tunics, most of which is from fabric he ordered and had mailed to me after he handed me the initial bags. Needless to say, I was running around like a headless chicken, knowing I would get it all done, but still worried that I might not have the time to get it all done.  But he'll be comfortable, and feel much better in things that fit him properly.  And in turn, I get to feel accomplished in knowing that he enjoys everything I've made for him. There's service in everything, and just that makes me happy. I'm really h

Lux had kind of a hard time on his birthday at a few points.  A couple of his exes decided to message him, and then started conversations, and by the next day, it was getting to him.  We talked about how he wants to be able to just let things happen, and not feel paranoid or territorial, and how staying quiet just doesn't work.  How acknowledging things, and keeping up with that transparency of feelings will do a world more good, and probably keep issues to a minimum, or remove them over time.  We talked about how he hates to feel like he's just an extra person who sometimes gets noticed, and while he doesn't mind being his partners having other people, he needs to feel like he's a priority in things, rather than just an occasional convenience. I told him about how I know he's very aware that I'm never going anywhere, and am not going to magically change and ignore him, there's still a part of his brain that is paranoid about it because of his past partn

A couple weeks ago, I was having a conversation with my mother.  About how I tend to not really wear perfumes, because Lux has no sense of smell, and I don't really care for them.  That I don't make any decisions on my appearance for how other people feel about them, but for me. My mother scoffed at it, and responded as though that made me an asshole.   Mind you, I very rarely look like a shlub.  I'm always clean, and groomed, and like to keep up with myself, as well as wear clean clothing. But I wouldn't make anywhere near the decisions about my appearance that I do if I was so worried about other people.  I wouldn't dress anywhere near the same, because as is, I am constantly stared at, put down, and treated like I'm a freak.  I would just be trying to fit in to fashion, and have no sense of self expression, too afraid to do something outside of what society deems as appropriate. I wouldn't have my tattoos, or piercings, or wear the jewelry

A few weeks ago, I mentioned that Lux commented that he had no way to really threaten me, or assert dominance over me.  That is was nice in a way, that he knew all submission was purely because he had been a safe and supportive enough domly dom to earn it, but sometimes he wants reinforce that he's in charge. Just, keep that post in mind.  It'll come back, I promise. Last weekend Lux came to visit for both our birthdays, and to drop off fabric for me to make him some things, and see his parents before Pennsic.  Oh, and show off his new swanky truck. We went to dinner, and an arcade afterward where we were super silly, then got ice cream.  Afterward, we came back to the house, and snuggled up for a while. Then he snuggled half his weight on me, and I went to grope on his arms.  Which, for those of you who don't know, are giant, and with him working out lately, have gotten very defined, and super pretty.  I often nom on them, sometimes to show affection as a whole, an

While Pyre, Panda, and I were talking last weekend, Pyre brought up that a guy had given her a foot rub at Fusion last year because he feet were so fried.  At Summerfest, he expressed desire to submit to her, and all that jazz. And her reaction was that she doesn't really like to top or dominate guys.  Panda agreed that even though she's primarily a bottom and a submissive herself, she felt the same. I didn't agree, saying that the vast majority of the time, I lean toward topping or being the domly person in a play situation. Sometimes, I feel like that view on things is kind of a cop out.  It sort of just runs on physical appearance and standard gender ideas when switches choose what side they'll take just by the gender of the other person. It means Pyre will never really fight back with Kitty (even though she is a brat to him, as we all are and should be) or feel like she wants power over him just because he's a boy.  That's so weird.  It's just so

So, Pyre and her wife crashed over this weekend before going on their mini tour.  Kitty was of course super happy that we were hanging out, and I was helping the people he cares about.  At the same time, he was a little worried. See, I might not be considered the best influence for the behavior of others.  I never endanger people, or pressure them into things that would be seen as harmful, or damaging.  I however, put bugs in their heads to say things that might not be the most appropriate, or would be more entertaining to everyone.  This has a tendency to get Pyre in trouble with Kitty, which I am remarkably ok with. He also apparently barely talks about everything that's happened to him before moving to DC.  He only mentioned me before I really actively came back into his life seriously, and so there is a massive chunk of his life that he either doesn't remember, or doesn't mention. And then along comes a good partner like me, who fills in some of those holes.  Some

I've been trying to do more to take care of myself lately, especially in order to be in better shape for Pennsic, but also just to feel better over all. I've decided to do a slow, but complete detox off of caffeine.  I started drinking coffee, and any caffeinated beverage for that matter, only due to the taste, and now having to consume some in the morning because otherwise I will get a horrible headache is no fun.  I want to be able to make that choice, not for it to be mandatory.  So right now I'm limiting myself to one cup a day, and still not drinking any soda, and very reluctantly not diving into my jar of chocolate espresso beans.  I'm finding that the mornings are a little easier for me, and I'm taking less time to feel awake. Even with the vast amount of birthdays and things going on this month, I'm trying to watch how much, and what I eat more closely.  That's not very easy here, where my parents basically live on meat and carbs, and I'm con

When Thrax was trying to convince me that we needed to date Bit, I constantly told him that I didn't want it to happen.  I told him that if he was going to bring in another partner, it had to be someone I approved of, because with how often we spent time together, and that he wanted her to live there, it would be like me dating her too.  He swore that I wouldn't be dating her, but then also said that "our" relationship needed a girlfriend in the same breath, hoping that would make him look less like a selfish asshat. Well, y'know, I didn't want someone who lied, stole, did drugs, had a bunch of unprotective sex already with STDs, and was generally disrespectful in our dynamic.  Oh damn, look at me being the bad guy. Now, while I don't really care if my partners become super besties, it is significantly easier for me if they get along.  I'm really lucky that Lux and Kitty approve of each other, and hit it off pretty well. And, Kitty feels the same

To be honest, I have no idea what to write about lately.  There isn't much really inspiring me to write, so, a normal update and rambles until I find something more interesting. I've been getting things ready for Pennsic while the beastie is gone so I don't have her up my butt.  She's also been away for a while, and it makes me miss tackling the little beast.  I've been trying to utilize the time though, which is helping me get through all the quiet. Spending this much time without people I care about around really digs at me though.  It is in general not good for me, and hasn't had a good effect on me at all, especially because cute boys are still completely busy during the day. My friend and I went to do something new lately, and I think I might give it to Lux for his birthday.  It's kind of lame, and really random for a gift, but it's the first thing I've made in the medium, which makes it a bit cooler.  I'll have to see once I look at t

One day last week was apparently straight pride day.  Of course, for a lot of reasons, there was flak on social media over it.  And, while yes, there are problems with putting that on the same level as other pride celebrations, or putting down other orientations in order to celebrate something, I personally, do get to have pride in my heterosexuality. I have pride because I've had people say to my face that they would never consider dating me not because of who I am, but because I am straight, and they would only date someone bisexual, because they "need threesomes, and would want the other person to enjoy it".  Where he literally didn't know how to have a significant other her couldn't fetishize by their sexuality. I have pride because for two years, I was told to lie about my heterosexuality.  That being straight was a "construct of society being forced on me" and that I "had to like girls, because they were hot." That even though I

I've had a lot of conversations about gender lately.  With people who are nonbinary, are in relationships with nonbinary folks, and how others feel about nonbinary folks. And ofcourse, it has me thinking. If I was hardpressed, I'm probably somewhere on the scale of being Agender.  And while this is likely surprising to people because I don't talk about it, it likely makes sense to them. I have no real problem saying that I am genetically female.  I've got female sex characteristics, and that's cool.  She/Her pronouns are fine, and have never bothered me.  They fit my appearance, which is no problem. However, calling myself a "girl" or a "woman" never really feels like it fits.  Feminine titles seem wrong in a way, and in fact, I've had conversations with people that masculine ones feel more suited to me. I don't really feel like a boy either though. And their isn't any fluctuation.  I'm just always statically me.  No g