A New Devious Chapter

I think about how I felt the last time Lux had visited.  That even though he makes me happy, I just didn't have any spark of joy that I normally do from seeing him.  That I felt very blank, even if I was incredibly grateful for time with him.  It bothered me, and not only that, but we didn't get a chance to really dig into anything that we'd meant to. Since then, a lot has happened, and I've made a lot of improvement in my own mental space.  It's done me a world of good, and I realized exactly how much in the middle of Lux's visit last weekend. Despite a lot of things going on over that week, we were able to find a lot more joy in being together.  There was a peace like we usually have, and a serious boost to my mental state.  I got to feel inspired, and share a lot of the projects I have going on right now, to work on over the next long while. We had a lot of discussion about the coming months, and making plans, and creating the basis of a fun summer. 

Puttering around before bed the other night, I saw an article about helping women have a higher sex drive to meet their partner, or some such. While I don't agree with that being necessary, and that anyone should be able to find someone they feel connected with, as well as have a similar sex drive, I let curiosity take over, and click. And, it gives the stereotypical advice.  Learn to masturbate.  Buy lingerie.  Create a romantic mood for yourself. When I was younger, and had no idea what a desire for sex actually felt like (for a host of reasons), this was the same sort of thing I was told.  And, I think this limited pool of advice definitely contributed to me being awkward as hell for the longest time when it came to sex.  I felt like I was broken because all the things recommended made me feel worse, or bored, or uncomfortable in my skin.  It took me a long time to realize and acknowledge my sex drive, and that it is as high as it is.  And it had nothing to do with wh

To start off, a short story: Kitty left the larp we attended before I did.  He was done there, and no longer having fun, and so he needed to leave.  As we were both doing logistics at the time, I took over, and continued to attend.  However, given the amount of time we spent together at events, no one really bothered trying to do anything with me because he was always there. Well, literally the event after he left I'm walking up to where some people are hanging out to join in on conversation, and a guy who is a known douchebag walks up to me.  He cuts me off in my tracks, grabs me by the shoulders, and tells me he's high, and that he wants to drag me into the woods to fuck me. Needless to say I'm a little put off by this and say something to the president of the larp.  He comes back to me later, telling me that he said he was just joking. Um, excuse me, the fuck?  He's not my friend, and if he was, he'd know that any sort of joke like that would be me

Someone was talking to me the other day about how she actually kicked her husband's partner out of the house a while ago.  He has had serious health issues for months now, and is unable to drive for a good while longer.  So, his other partner has to come to the house to see him.  Apparently, she was coming by so often to act as a supportive partner that his wife felt like she was "shoved into a co-wife situation" and his partner was acting like she wanted a "mommy dom". Now, this person is bad with people.  Like, she pretty much shuns anyone outside of a handful of people away, and is so closed minded in seriously radical ideas that she shoves most of those away as well.  Having not been there, but knowing her, I'd say she just got tired of having someone else female in the house, and threw a fit. To which, she then told me that she actively wanted to avoid talking to or seeing her metamour, and was only ok with her husband having her around when he

While Lux was here for the holiday, we had initially made plans to go see a movie together, and hang out and talk and try to relax together.  A couple days before I looked up movie times and we made up a plan to spend Saturday together. We had also been talking about wanting to play more, and get back into things, and interest with all the stuff.  About having more comfort getting back into play, and how to have the little kick in the ass so that we do actually play, and not just have sex and snuggle, and more sex and video games. Well, Lux got to my place late on Saturday, and said that we should go get food.  On the way, he made a point of showing off his new toy bag (mostly because of some new things he got for himself), and mentioning all the other things in there.  We talked about some serious things, and some fun things, and found somewhere to eat near the theatre. During dinner we talked about some more serious stuff, and asked about the time once, and shrugged when I said

Kitty and I talked about a lot of things when we were together.  A lot of rolling conversations that just flowed.  One morning, while still avoiding getting out of bed, he mentioned beatings before coffee and breakfast, which I said isn't an option, because I need to be awake to process and read what's going on properly.  He agreed after a minute, and said that morning kidnappings at camp or something would probably work better. I explained that things like that are how people get stabbed.  If someone is in bed with me when I go to sleep, and is supposed to be there, I have no problem being woken up for sex at any point.  My mind knows they should be there, and everything is cool.  However, if someone wasn't there when I went to bed, and wakes me up, I will wake up swinging, and generally have a lot of weapons within arms reach of where I sleep. He amusedly understood, and then questioned that middle of the night sex was ok.  I was honestly surprised that this even need

While at Pennsic, Lux and I had to have lots of talks about the other people we were looking at doing things with. Now, generally we're pretty chill about other partners happening, just keeping reminders to be careful, and discussing the possible happenings with any of them.  When we need to put our foot down on someone, it's usually because they're having a serious negative effect, or may be harmful to the other. So, I had a very short, not real beating from a friend of ours the night we got on site.  That, and the time being tied by Murphy were totally cool with Lux, not only because we know how incredibly safe they are, but because he was present for the majority of it. He did however, feel nervous about the fire spinner that is super pretty.  He knows I can handle myself if shit goes down, but didn't know exactly what to expect that I had wanted (literally just to touch his butt, and not sex) because he usually goes right to wanting to fuck.  Even when I remin

This should be the last post prepped up before Pennsic.  You get fresh new stuff soon hopefully. And, speaking of which, this one is looking super busy for me, despite my previous entries! I've got eleven hours of dance classes across three days, a big dance show, and a munch to attend.  Parties at night, and lots of people I want to find time with. I want to find time to walk the camp and take pictures to show everyone. And now, my friend Ogre and Lux both want playtime with me, and are determined to beat me up.  Which, I'm certainly not going to complain about if it happens.  I'm looking forward to actually getting in play time again.  It should be really fun, and while it might be a project to cover the marks, I'll make due. I've also been talking to the cute boy from last year, and I'm pretty determined to touch butts.  I am however terrible at showing attraction toward someone until I develop enough mutual comfort with them to just be awkward and

Lux had kind of a hard time on his birthday at a few points.  A couple of his exes decided to message him, and then started conversations, and by the next day, it was getting to him.  We talked about how he wants to be able to just let things happen, and not feel paranoid or territorial, and how staying quiet just doesn't work.  How acknowledging things, and keeping up with that transparency of feelings will do a world more good, and probably keep issues to a minimum, or remove them over time.  We talked about how he hates to feel like he's just an extra person who sometimes gets noticed, and while he doesn't mind being his partners having other people, he needs to feel like he's a priority in things, rather than just an occasional convenience. I told him about how I know he's very aware that I'm never going anywhere, and am not going to magically change and ignore him, there's still a part of his brain that is paranoid about it because of his past partn

(Written on the way home) My last post was written over the first few days of my visit north.  It was quiet, and calm for us, but we didn't get much done.  However, the rest of the week was absolutely wonderful.  We were far more snuggly and affectionate, relaxed and had more sex than during the week, and just were able to enjoy each other.  We discussed Pennsic, and projects, and plans.  I helped him with a few things he needed to get done, continued to take care of the apartment, and actively did what I could to help.  He seemed to relax as the week went on, and told me that everything I was doing was appreciated, and did in fact have a positive effect on his mental space. On Saturday, we went down to the city with some of his coworkers, to see a museum, and go to dinner for one of their birthdays.  It was fun, and Lux and I got to flail over the arms and armor for most of the day.  We both burned out on the other people present though, and on the train home we were mostly ju

With Lux and Kitty both being busy, I really haven't had much time with them.  I haven't seen either one of them in months, and only now have been managing to find time to talk to Kitty on the phone because he's at home getting things finished up for the move.  However, they've both been so busy during the day that I'm barely able to talk to them. It definitely has an impact on me.  I'm trying to be supportive and helpful, and stay present and consistent.  While that might not be helping them much, I think it does help, and sometimes I get time where they are responsive in return. However, the lack of time with them, even if things are relatively calm here right now makes me feel like I need some sort of presence.  These lengths of time away make me want simple affection even more than I want the sex, and more than anything, I crave just having time with them.  Those silly and simple moments that don't really involve anything other than time together.

The other day I had a stream on while working on things, and the beginning of it was just talking to chat while waiting for people to show up.  At one point, they started talking about ragefucking, and argument sex.  They then said that it is never actually a good idea, and I started thinking about the science of it. Ragefucking is a trap.  Full on Admiral Ackbar trap.  When people are fighting, it stimulates the brain to create similar endorphins that would occur when we're turned on.  And because we're that worked up, we look at the other person for the same relief we would want when we have too much stress, or need comfort and catharsis.  That physical barrier is broken, so both parties let that be an instant response.  Afterward, all the bonding chemicals happen, and bring them back together.  It's probably the reason why most of the couples who constantly split and get back together do so.  They know they're incompatible, but there's that anger and then sex b

A while back, I was scrolling through a feed, and found a link to an article labelled "Most overrated things about sex".  I fell victim to the clickbait, wondering exactly what the writer thought went into this category. And, as I read the list, I kept feeling sorry for anyone that person ever had sex with.  The list was riddled with things like blowjobs, positions other than missionary, and even sex outside the bedroom.  It absolutely painted a portrait that she just wanted to starfish and let the guy do the work to get sex overwith, without her having to do anything. She whined about sex making her tired, and how having to hold herself up was too hard of work.  Now, I know I have better endurance than quite a few people, but getting tired is part of the point.  If you haven't gotten completely worn out, and your body still works, you haven't had enough sex.  Sometimes that means incredibly rough sex that doesn't last as long, or something easier that you can s

It's something a lot of people fear in relationships.  Hitting that point where there are awkward silences, and time together becomes routine.  I find that in order to avoid it, people try to keep from building a friendship with partners.  The less they know, the less they can relax and just fall into that comfortable lull, depending on passion and superficial attraction. I hate feeling that way with people.  I crave that comfortable feeling with people.  When we can lay on a couch naked giggling over the stupidest things, eating takeout, and playing video games, I am the happiest with a partner.  Those times that absolutely would not occur unless you'd spent enough time to just build that trust and connection with someone. When sex isn't the only thing that makes you feel fulfilled with someone, but those little moments as well.  At the same time, there is that knowing when it comes to sex.  How to tell your partner's interest, and feeling safe in expressing it.  Kno

Last weekend started off difficult.  Lux got held up a lot in traffic, and it meant we were very late meeting up.  By the time we got together, we decided that even though we were both hangry, we would get into the hotel, and order something.  Luckily, we were close to the hotel, and upon getting in, and giggling over the tub, we settled a bit, and tried to decide on food. Welp, we didn't get to food right away.  Instead, sex was very necessary, and even after we were done the first time, it was sort of a constant project to prioritize getting food instead of more sex.  He showed me his new ipad he got for drawing, and made a big deal of the quick doodle I jotted onto it.  We spent the rest of the evening giggling over cartoons while sprawled on the bed eating chinese, and snuggling.  It definitely felt like the calm time we both needed to just enjoy. The next morning, we woke up with more sex, and while trying to figure out what to do with our morning, had coffee, and Lux ran t

There will be real posts later this week covering what happened over the weekend, and other real things.  However, with last Thursday's post, and how the weekend went, I need to add a couple dopey moments to show how we giggle over everything. Lux decided to hide from me what sort of room he got at the hotel.  We got in, and I got a glance at the receipt, noticing he definitely didn't get a stock room.  We get upstairs, and I immediately see the corner of the giant tub in the room, and start giggling. Saturday morning, he decides to run a bath, and after nearly boiling his nuts several times because he made it way too hot, he lays down, and before I get in, we both look over, and notice just the head of his penis floating above the water, while he's completely flaccid.  And we both giggle.  Lesson of the weekend: flaccid penis' are buoyant. Then, the next morning, we are having sex, and he starts punching me.  One hit is right into my oblique, and the force causes in

Prior to this weekend with Lux, it had been a really long time with the absolute minimum affection, and time with partners.  I wanted sex of course, and snuggles, and just contact.  However, I found myself realizing I wanted very specific things. After the rope time with Kitty, I wanted connective, primal violence.  I wanted those endorphins, and contact, and sensation.  To be left tired, and feeling connected, my body overstimulated, and my mind floating in catharsis.  That rope just didn't do it, and it left me craving what would. I've wanted those quiet intimate evenings with my partners.  Time when Lux and I curl up mostly naked, playing video games and being silly.  With lots of sex breaks, and just being us and enjoying that.  Time with Kitty where we turn on a movie, and snuggle up, eventually making out like teenagers, and giggling more than anything else. There have been random nights where I've gone to bed and just wanted someone there to wrap myself around. 

Because I haven't been in a good mood for a while, and I get to see Lux tomorrow, I figured I would put down a collection of short little stories which make me giggle about him.  Some of those little moments that are just too funny not to keep around to tell when the timing is right. Background: So, Lux has giant schween.  Like, similar to, or larger than most porncock.  I generally don't mention this, because I care more about him than his genitals, but it apparently is something that brings about humor, so hooray. First, one of our favorite stories, from while I was living with Thrax.  It was just before the weekend that I was going to move out, and there wasn't much food in the apartment, because I did the shopping, and saw no point in filling the place with food if I was leaving in a couple more days.  The following exchange occurs: Thrax: Hey, is that sirloin still in the freezer?  Is it cool if I bring it out to PA? Me: Yea, but the filet in the fridge is defrosti

Since getting back from my week with Kitty, I've been thinking about how that lack of time felt, and a more exact interpretation of what I do need to feel content and cared for with my partners.  Lux and I generally take quite a bit of time showing each other attention, so it goes well beyond what I need, and makes me often feel rather spoiled (which I am not one to complain about, nor do I take it for granted).  However, when with a partner who has several other partners who he is used to giving attention to, I need to be more aware of what exactly I need, so I can get what is necessary for me. I like being busy and taking care of a partner.  Being right there next to them while being social and working on stuff is fulfilling to me, but I think it's pretty normal to need breaks.  I need little moments where I get affection without prompting it.  It doesn't matter if it's a hug, or a grope, or whatever, but quick little moments are necessary a couple times a day, just

For the longest time my body had a sort of defence mechanism against my sex drive.  Because all of my partners showed no real interest or attraction toward me for whatever reason, after about a week without sex, my brain would kind of shut that part of itself down, and I wouldn't think about it.  It was better for my own mind to ignore that part of itself, because it wasn't like there were really options for me (for a multitude of reasons). Welp, having partners that actually match my sex drive (some of the time at least) has definitely proven how much showing interest is important for me.  It was about a month between seeing Lux or Kitty both, and while Kitty still sees me as an awkward teenager, Lux was very vocal about that timespan's affecting him as well.  Those regular expressions of desire made that month rather difficult, and the distance wasn't helping. And, it's not as if I didn't have opportunities with people over the course of that month.  To whic