A New Devious Chapter

A bit over a week ago, the long talk Lux and I wound up having about power exchange was spurned by a question.  I had posed a fantastical situation, which we both had liked, which involved some definite gestures of ownership.  While talking about what I enjoyed about it, I couldn't quite find the right word.  I had defaulted to "hot" with the vibe of the conversation, but immediately caught myself.  While yes, in the moment it would be sexy and stimulating, there are remnants that have far more of an effect on me, which I would find very affirming and fulfilling. And that, was what Lux questioned.  Not being someone who submits in any context of power, he wasn't sure if this was what I had meant as a slave, or something more.  I had to tell him that while it may be fulfilling as a slave, that alone carries over a lot.  He didn't quite understand the concept of it, so I had to expound upon it further with some manner of word spew toward him when I had a few momen

I spent some time curious. Seeing what other people are writing about when it comes to a few of the things I want to teach.  Taking ideas to help adapt classes, and build them in a more accessible way. Except, a lot of what I saw on similar subjects were near the complete opposite. Things like how to speak to dominants in a pleasing way. How not to get angry with a dom. How to ask for things without annoying a dom. Just a pile of things that slowly made me frustrated. All of these things muddle communication.  They dismiss emotions, and create an assumptive and unhealthy scale for a relationship.  They felt like my dynamic with Thrax, where I had to say what he wanted regardless of how I felt.  That my frustration with his lies and bringing them up was wrong.  That my constantly asking for what I needed, or things he promised should have just been ignored. Even if it isn't straight abuse, it doesn't help encourage any sort of healthy communication and strength.

One of the nice things about camping with this group is that they know a bit about our dynamic.  They also very respectfully acknowledge that I'm a switch, and just as much a sadist as I am a masochist. They don't know a lot of the finer details though, and it leads to some moments that are a little funnier for Lux and I, albeit a bit awkward. Things like being around other submissives who are looking at doing something for their partner, and asking what Lux needs, then they look at me like I'm supposed to do it, the way I did earlier.  Except that time I was also doing something for myself as well, and Lux had to take care of something else.  Lux still is becoming more comfortable with service when he isn't busy, and prefers to do for himself.  He also doesn't like not knowing how to do something himself, even if he will have it done for him when someone else is there.  So here I am being looked at, while Lux is getting up to do for himself, and I am looking ba

One last Fusion post.  I think. So, one of the most amusing things I found over time while at Compound, was how people never quite knew how to think of me.  That they were constantly having little tidbits, and only getting more and more confused and intrigued. Camp definitely started with them thinking I was a submissive bottom.  That I belonged to Lux, and it was as simple as that.  They looked at Lux and tagged him for a domly dom top, and gave me the easiest box to go with it. Until sitting there one morning, discussing knifeplay methods, and I started talking about my own practices as a top in regards to safety and tools.  Suddenly I was more.  This was something Lux didn't talk about, it wasn't me talking about him.  It was my own practice as a top. And then, they realized I switch. But, did Lux switch? Did we switch together? Were we both into all the same things as a top? Now, Lux and I don't switch.  I am very statically a happy slave, but they don&#

If you can't tell by now, camp had a lot of people trying to figure me out over time. Lux is very obviously just a top and a domly person, and no one questioned that when we got there. However, when we first showed up, people just thought I was another submissive there with a domly dom, all quiet and awkward. And then I started having those conversations about how I go about things that Lux isn't into.  The sort of safe details that only someone who has topped those things for a while would do. They got the idea I was a switch, but then those ideas started rolling in their heads.  Do Lux I and I switch?  What things do I even do?  How much knowledge, and how careful am I? And from there I noticed a lot more people talking to me.  No longer was I someone who just took what Lux dished out.  I was now someone to figure out.  I talked a lot more about safety in things I do than just listing off what I enjoy.  When people heard about how much of a beating I can take, they

It's been a long time since I've gotten to top someone.  Long enough that I forgot that being a sadist is a big part of who I am.  In no way have I been unhappy just being a bottom for Lux, and a couple other friends, but I just haven't had that chance to really lay into people for a while.  At camp, I found that part of my mind waking up.  Discussions of how I do knife play, cutting, and my own personal strength.  It caused confusion about me, and Lux and I (again, to be discussed soon) but made me think about myself more as a top again.  I gained a lot more confidence in talking about being a sadist, and it helped me open up a lot. While working on Pyre's back, and seeing everyone else there wanting me to hurt them, I found myself feeling way more like I wanted to top again.  To feel the wake up of wanting to beat everyone up, rather than simply being quiet and uninterested. At some points I even offered to beat up Pyre proper.  I think if she wasn't so unco

I'm back from my first Fusion, and feeling better about it the longer I look at it.  There was good and bad, and the event was very different for both Lux and I just due to how we kept somewhat different schedules with my having classes to manage and all. Lux came in from Austin where he was training for his new job.  He showed up at my doorstep in a suit, and if we didn't have a two hour drive ahead of us, that suit would have been a mess shortly after seeing him. The ride was fairly uneventful, with the exception of us making the same mistake we always do when we make a trip west.  We will inevitably do the same thing in a month come Pennsic. Getting there, I got a very similar feeling to Pennsic, but on a much smaller scale.  It felt comfortable, and despite everything, I had no problem walking around Fusion by myself at night. Thursday Lux met Pyre for the first time, and I met a bunch of the fire team.  While awkward at first, they let me open up by the end of the

Since the weather has been nicer lately, especially for being knee deep in winter, we all decided it would be a good idea to get Oliver's pass for the dog parks in the area early in the year.  This way we could utilize nice days with letting him run about off leash, meet other dogs, and be social. Except not when it's rainy because he wants nothing to do with even the slightest drizzle. Anyway, while on the way to pick up his pass, just heading down some back roads, the idea pops into my head of finding some boy to choke. Unprompted, and out of nowhere, I found my sadist perking up with a vengeance.  The intense craving to find a nice sweet boy, pin him to the wall by his throat, and beat the shit out of him.  The weirdest part is that it wasn't only a nonsexual craving, which is very uncommon for me.  Normally all of my topping, and most of my play in general is incredibly nonsexual. That might be because of the long dry spells I've been having. Either way, i

Recently Fetlife went through and made a ton of words forbidden.  Made groups with vast sources of information invisible, and removed them from searches.  Some of the list includes things that we can pretty much all agree were not things to discuss on the site itself, and happen to be illegal in every sense. A lot of them though, were my major kinks.  I looked through that list and realized that all that was left of my interests were some very popular surface things, and it gave me a reminder of how many things I enjoy are considered taboo and edgeplay. And then I think about how often people acknowledge what they do as edgeplay.  That there is such a large chance for error if someone isn't educated or doesn't keep their focus.  To be honest though, that applies to so much of kink. If Kitty gets complacent with fire, he could give someone serious burns that require hospitalization and skin grafts.  If he gets greedy with hypnosis, he can completely reset someone's min

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about what draws me to most kink. I very seldom get the chance to enjoy that floating rush with anyone, and don't ever expect it to happen.  I don't find zen in almost any play, or get a meditative feeling.  And yet, I want to do these things, and enjoy them. Lux and I recently have been talking a lot about how our tastes in video games differ.  He likes vast open world games, without a lot of demand, and the ability to just run around and zone out and do whatever.  I however, really enjoy very mentally stimulating games, and puzzles, and things that force me to think and learn.  I enjoy the intellectual and psychological challenge in video games. And, I think that's exactly it.  I enjoy rope because I don't know exactly what's coming next, and because there is always another step further.  I'm going to be challenged in rope, and need to focus my way through the ties, holding on in some places, and relaxing in others.  Wh

Thrax only ever tried rope with me once.  He didn't get very far, because I stopped him a few seconds in.  As I watched him trying to tie a simple pair of cuffs, and how badly it was being done, I didn't want to risk the danger involved with letting him continue.  He threw a tantrum as I stopped him, thinking he could manipulate me into letting him be unsafe.  When he realized he wasn't going to work, he grumped his way into the living room, and I grabbed a second bundle of rope before following him.  I threw him one of them, sat on the couch, and told him I would walk him through tying it, and we would both practice by self tying our ankles. He refused, claiming that by having any part of himself tied was a submissive act, and he refused to submit in any form.  So, basically he refused to learn things.   I feel like this is far too common a thing with a lot of people out there.  Tops and domly folks who refuse to experience things because it invalidates their claims

This should be the last post prepped up before Pennsic.  You get fresh new stuff soon hopefully. And, speaking of which, this one is looking super busy for me, despite my previous entries! I've got eleven hours of dance classes across three days, a big dance show, and a munch to attend.  Parties at night, and lots of people I want to find time with. I want to find time to walk the camp and take pictures to show everyone. And now, my friend Ogre and Lux both want playtime with me, and are determined to beat me up.  Which, I'm certainly not going to complain about if it happens.  I'm looking forward to actually getting in play time again.  It should be really fun, and while it might be a project to cover the marks, I'll make due. I've also been talking to the cute boy from last year, and I'm pretty determined to touch butts.  I am however terrible at showing attraction toward someone until I develop enough mutual comfort with them to just be awkward and

Lux had kind of a hard time on his birthday at a few points.  A couple of his exes decided to message him, and then started conversations, and by the next day, it was getting to him.  We talked about how he wants to be able to just let things happen, and not feel paranoid or territorial, and how staying quiet just doesn't work.  How acknowledging things, and keeping up with that transparency of feelings will do a world more good, and probably keep issues to a minimum, or remove them over time.  We talked about how he hates to feel like he's just an extra person who sometimes gets noticed, and while he doesn't mind being his partners having other people, he needs to feel like he's a priority in things, rather than just an occasional convenience. I told him about how I know he's very aware that I'm never going anywhere, and am not going to magically change and ignore him, there's still a part of his brain that is paranoid about it because of his past partn

While Pyre, Panda, and I were talking last weekend, Pyre brought up that a guy had given her a foot rub at Fusion last year because he feet were so fried.  At Summerfest, he expressed desire to submit to her, and all that jazz. And her reaction was that she doesn't really like to top or dominate guys.  Panda agreed that even though she's primarily a bottom and a submissive herself, she felt the same. I didn't agree, saying that the vast majority of the time, I lean toward topping or being the domly person in a play situation. Sometimes, I feel like that view on things is kind of a cop out.  It sort of just runs on physical appearance and standard gender ideas when switches choose what side they'll take just by the gender of the other person. It means Pyre will never really fight back with Kitty (even though she is a brat to him, as we all are and should be) or feel like she wants power over him just because he's a boy.  That's so weird.  It's just so

I was thinking the other day, of how Thrax was so vehemently against anything he deemed to be submissive.  This included things like doing favors for me, or even education in order to be safe during play.  He would refuse to do things like self tie while I would do the same in order to teach him basic single and double columns, because he would swear it made him submissive. And, really, this is just fear on his part.  As a switch, I've always been very aware that any act has the potential to be done with any side of power exchange, or with none at all.  Treating an act as though it can only be done one way, is going without looking at the possible fun in it.  Yes, there is an obvious top and bottom to any act (unless, you know, the same thing is being done to both, in cases of mutual violence, or molestation) but to say that an act inherently gives or takes control absolutely makes no sense.  Things like when I dig my hands into Lux, doesn't mean I'm in charge.  It's

Kitty and I used to have a very interesting dynamic in our unacknowledged relationship.  Even though we never discussed it, we had this incredibly strong support structure for us both, and in an odd way, became this weird non-controlling form of d/s.  He at the time did a lot to take care of me, and I tried to do as much for him as I could while being an awkward teenager.  It really looked like this solid healthy and caring relationship that was very obviously with someone in their teens and early twenties.  We'd argue and be at each other's throats over something dumb, and then the next minute, we'd be working like a well oiled machine, acting as the other's hands, and snuggled up as soon as we were done, not needing an apology, but simply moving on from it. And now, things are different.  We've both grown as people, and magically, it's been in a similar enough way that we still just mesh right.  Then there's Lux and I as well, who have a still different d

Last weekend was my first time seeing Kitty in far too many years.  And it was probably something close to being out of a storybook.  We were best friends that were a hair away from a very serious relationship for reasons on both sides.  We were the support structure for each other, and even though we'd bash heads once in a while, it was because we simply hadn't learned to communicate properly with each other, and shortly after, we'd be back to our snuggly giggly normal. Falling back into what had so naturally was almost surreal.  Like time apart didn't matter, and even though we had these experiences without the other there, it didn't affect us at all.  The only difference I noticed was us not holding hands constantly, but we took every possible chance to snuggle and hug and have all the little affectionate touches that help us both. While we threw around a bunch of ideas of things to do, we wound up wandering Philly, babbling about random things, and going right

The next two weekends have managed to keep my mood from being total garbage lately with how things at home have been.  I'm really looking forward to them, and the positive effect they should have on me.  This coming weekend is Halloween, and Lux is coming to visit.  We had thought about going to something nearby, but from the sound of things, we'll just be spending time together relaxing.  The only thing we've decided we need to do, is snuggle up with blankets and coffee and be crotchety old people with pipes.  Possibly while handing out candy, as my sister has off of work specifically to take the beast trick-or-treating.  I also intend to do a lot of cooking, as tradition on Halloween says that when everyone is out harvesting candy, some food must be made which is easy to just grab whenever people get hungry.  Usually my mother would make hotdogs and chili, but I'm thinking a couple different kinds of soup, and bread.  Maybe if everyone is in I'll make a mountain

There was a few things Lux and I talked about while he was here last.  One was a more personal thing, pertaining to the people in our lives, which lead to discussing how Lux is as a domlyperson.  I jokingly called him a lazy dom.  He agreed, and felt bad, but I made it a point to say he wasn't really, but rather one who simply wants basic obedience and respect.  He mentioned how he likes that I have so many self imposed rules, out of respect for him, because it means that he knows I'll constantly consider them, and follow it, without it having to become a formal order. We discussed how if he were to give me rules, I'd only have three.  To let him be in charge (most of the time), to take care of myself as well as him, and to be openly, and consistently honest at all times. Nothing insane. But the basic building blocks of healthy power exchange and relationships.  The other rules we create, either that I create for myself, or that he gives to me, are ones personal to us, t

Fusion occurred recently, and a good number of my friends, including Kitty, attended.  The event does spark my interest honestly.  Camping, spending time with friends, getting to play with fire, and having the chance to play with people I am very close to are all things that will get my attention.  I've thought about attending a few times. However, there's a part of me that never enjoyed public play.  There's too many reasons for me not to.  When people look at me, they generally tag me as submissive, and well, that's right some of the time, but definitely not always.  People that don't know me don't expect me to be a sadist, and act like I'm a service top.  No, I really just want to tear people apart, and I'll rip them to shreds too, just for being an ass. The biggest downside for me though, is that my pain tolerance is actually so high that I've had DMs tell me they don't trust a scene with my as a bottom to be safe.  I can take so much force