A New Devious Chapter

I've spoken here previously about how little I need from partners.  In general, I need presence, basic respect, and consistency from words to actions. And, well, those are true, but apparently there's more to it than that.  Which of course, because it's me, I had to learn the hard way. I need a little more than just basic consistency.  That's important of course, but I need a bit more assurance than that.  Much like the small gestures of care I often talk about, and how much they mean to me, I need little physical gestures of attention to express affection, care, and desire. It's something that took a lot of self exploration, but I've figured it out. And, honestly, as much as I hate asking for anything, so even acknowledging that as a need is hard, is helpful to me.  I can think back to many times when a partner had shown heavy attention to others, and given me none to balance things out, and feeling hurt and almost abandoned. And I know that this is a

Not everything at camp that I learned was done peacefully.  One of the biggest things for me to deal with at this event hit me hard, multiple times, as I tried to explore it and find the words to make it better. It crept in along the first couple days.  Feelings of distress that I couldn't explain, combined with selfish thoughts that I never like having appear in my head.  After that first bit of time, things hit hard as I went to hug Lux, and we needed to go and take a walk, and snuggle, and try to find words. I noticed old patterns that I didn't want to ever deal with again, and tried to talk through them as much as I could to make some manner of sense.  While it started to get the idea across, I don't think that talk helped all that much, but got things moving in my own mind. Over the rest of camp, we had moments where I sat at his feet.  Leaning against his knees in the Compound living room and feeling his hands through my hair and on my neck.  It was incredibly c

One of the biggest things about this camp, was getting to see Kitty for the first time in way too long.  I'd missed him, but at the same time, was trying to make space to be less frustrated with his lack of contact even when we weren't sharing a physical space. I won't lie and say that I wasn't excited to see him again though.  To see if we could fit together the way we always have. When Pyre went to pick Kitty up from the airport, Lux was also heading to a class a friend was running.  I had wanted to go take the class with him, but we all agreed it would be better for me to be a surprise at the airport.  I got into the car with Pyre, and while riding off, we had a long talk about some things that need to be addressed soon.  While we tossed the idea around of making that happen at camp, it never did. As we rolled up to the gate, I dove into the back of the car, laying down as flat as I could.  I thought he would come up to the back of the car, but instead opened t

I get a lot of flak in my day to day for not sticking to the societal standard life escalator.  Partially because I had a lot of shit thrown on me early on which has made that less accessible, and also due to the fact that I have never been interested in that cookie cutter life plan.  It results in a lot of people asking if I'll ever be successful with anything, because to them, if I'm not following that life escalator, I'm not doing anything. But when you break it down, I succeed at so many things. For a year I've published at least one book every month, by myself.  Regardless of the money it makes, that requires a ton of work and self discipline.  I continue to work on this, with plans of doing even more in the future (which I am actively working on). I've survived abuse, with very little support.  Instead, when I speak up about abuse to my blood relatives, I'm met with more abuse.  I have learned to communicate and be a healthy partner the hard way, a

While Lux was here last weekend, we continued the process of small renegotiations and creating a much more coherent understanding of how our relationship and needs work. Part of that was figuring out what we should, and shouldn't do with other people.  More specifically, if there should be anything that is exclusive to our dynamic that we don't share with others. I've talked about this before I believe, how I think keeping something special to a dynamic, which doesn't get shared with anyone else can be a good way to create security, or make each dynamic unique.  Lux has had one thing of his which was a need for a long time on his behalf, which we talked about and made a bit clearer, although it likely won't change how I do anything. And then I sat, and wondered if there was anything on my side.  Part of me wanted just something.  I actually went to fetlife and looked for something that I would only want us sharing with each other, and couldn't find anythin

A while ago, the big thing being pushed with poly was compersion.  It was the most important trait in having a poly relationship, and was almost treated as an "us vs. them" type of feeling.  That you had to have compersion in order to have healthy poly, and that only poly people could feel it. It goes so, so much deeper than that.  Not every poly person is going to feel compersion all the time.  I won't lie, with all the times Lux has been burned by other partners, I feel like I need to be critical and objective of his time with partners.  I can't just inherently feel that compersion, due to how often he tells me he had a great time, but this handful of hurtful things happens.  I often have to keep track of these things, to be able to keep him in a more realistic mindframe for the safety of us both, and not let him get too caught up in NRE.  That alone makes it very difficult for me to feel romantic compersion with him.  However, when he has a solid meeting at w

While I was with Zero a week and a half ago, Lux was with one of his newer partners.  His second time spending time with her, though they talk fairly frequently.  And unfortunately, for the second time, she caused him harm.  Hurt him in ways that he was messed up for a couple days afterward, and tried to manipulate him in a few ways. Needless to say, finding out about this caused a lot of feelings on my part.  I know I'm overprotective, and this perked up every bit of that.  At the same time, I had concern for him, in a lot of different ways.  I wanted to scoop him up and comfort him.  To take care of him and help him process.  Make sure he felt safe, because sometimes submission means being the strong, steady, and protecting one. For a second I had wished I was there in the moment, before realizing that might not have been the best idea. On one hand I would have been able to see exactly how it went.  Been able to take care of him in the moment, and have a better idea of wh

Last Tuesday, as Lux went to take a shower before his first meeting, I went to really wake up.  Went to the kitchen, and grabbed some small breakfast.  Refilled my coffee, and grabbed my phone to scroll through bits of social media. As I scrolled through, I saw a post about a group of friends not having been together in too long.  It was written in a worrying way, so I went to look, and found that the night before they had committed suicide.  One of the people who had first taught me to play D&D, someone in the group that would cause me to meet Kitty, and likely down the line lead my life to where it is, in so many ways. I took a moment to process that.  Because even though we didn't talk for a while, he was still someone who had had space in my life at one point. And as I went back to my feed, I immediately saw something saying that it was two years since the loss of another friend.  Someone who had been newer to my life, but was genuinely good.  I had found out about hi

I may be up at Lux's right now, but a couple weeks ago, he went down past me to Maryland for a week to see some friends.  He planned on staying with a few different people, then ending the week with a Halloween party, and making the long drive all the way north. Well, he got through most of the week, and then not only did he get a bit burnt out, but something had happened that he reacted to poorly, and needed to process. And since I was the exact middle point of the trip, I offered space so he could split the drive, and be able to get away from all the people.  Having a puppy to hug would also help him. He took a while to figure out his plan, and get through what he needed to do, but where I had figured on not seeing him until my trip up here, he told me he was on the way. While he definitely needed to process, it was nice to have that quiet night together.  To put work aside that I had planned on, and catch up on the visit, and snuggle, and decompress. We joked about a l

Upon having my IUD replaced, I also got a full round of STD testing, which I was probably rather overdue for, but it was done, and came up as I had expected it to. While talking to Lux about it, and giving him my status, he talked about how he needed to get tested as well, and we talking about shared status, and differences in our own methods. Along with that, I've been thinking a lot about the many differences in our methods and preferences.  Nothing that involves safety mind you, we're both in heavy agreement about all of that, but many other things. Lux in general, makes decisions on his own who he plays with.  When we both know the person, we will sometimes talk about things first, but often, Lux will simply tell me that he plans on playing with someone, or even telling me about it the next day.  On the other hand, because my play is with only very rare exception with people I already know and am friends with, I make sure to check in with Lux about it ahead of time. 

I will fully admit, that there are some things out there that will make someone completely incompatible for me.  They won't stop me from being friends with a person, but I know myself enough to know that certain traits will kill any chance of attraction happening. Lux and I have a lot of friends in the rope scene, and it's often an awkward thing for him, because he will start to talk to people, and develop some amount of interest, but as soon as he says he doesn't tie, they immediately distance themselves from him for any sort of play or anything.  Despite the fact that they might also be masochists, or enjoy power exchange, or any number of other things, because he doesn't enjoy rope topping, they won't give him the time of day in regards to any play. I've dealt with similar things in a few cases, but not nearly as much as him. A friend of ours, who has voiced having no attraction towards Lux met a boy while at camp recently.  Despite making countless pro

I'm back from my first Fusion, and feeling better about it the longer I look at it.  There was good and bad, and the event was very different for both Lux and I just due to how we kept somewhat different schedules with my having classes to manage and all. Lux came in from Austin where he was training for his new job.  He showed up at my doorstep in a suit, and if we didn't have a two hour drive ahead of us, that suit would have been a mess shortly after seeing him. The ride was fairly uneventful, with the exception of us making the same mistake we always do when we make a trip west.  We will inevitably do the same thing in a month come Pennsic. Getting there, I got a very similar feeling to Pennsic, but on a much smaller scale.  It felt comfortable, and despite everything, I had no problem walking around Fusion by myself at night. Thursday Lux met Pyre for the first time, and I met a bunch of the fire team.  While awkward at first, they let me open up by the end of the

Squishy, being a kid, often writes some interesting things on school work. Things like in kindergarten, where all the other kids wrote "family" or similar around Thanksgiving, Squishy wrote that she is thankful for pumpkin pie.  This was cute, and lighthearted, and something we kind of expected. They're not all this way though. So, since she was an infant, Squishy has enjoyed getting her back patted.  Not just light gentle patting though.  Good solid thumps to the shoulderblades.  Genetics!  Even now, if she hugs me, she will fall asleep if I start thumping on her back. Last year at Mother's Day, she wrote in a book that she likes "When mommy hits my back".  Needless to say, when she told me she wrote this, I regularly asked if she was questioned about it at school, because to anyone not aware, that looks real wrong.  Luckily, if you haven't guessed, everything was fine. This year, knowing that she has written this in the past, I was a bit wo

Over the weekend Lux asked me if we could play games one evening.  Without any doubt from anyone, I said of course, and we had plans. While I knew we had a talk to go over in regards to a few things coming up, he apparently had even more serious things to talk about.  And Pit People.  We needed to finally get to that too. So we set up our voice chat, and he asked for an assessment of where we're at with everything that's happened lately.  He's getting undeserved pressure from every side, and some of it is in regards to us, and our dynamic/relationship.  While we don't feel a need to labels and status, and simply being present, a lot of other people don't feel that way.  I assured him that we're ok, and that there might be some questions he needs to ask others about why they feel this way. We also checked in on our status of poly and being open and all that.  The decision was made to attend both Pennsic and Fusion this year, which I'm very excited and m

Recently, the game Catherine has been stuck in my head.  It's something that covers the idea of relationships in modern Japanese culture, communication, and morality. The game flat out asks your opinion at regular intervals on various subjects pertaining to relationships. And, I find that it becomes really hard to figure out how I would answer these questions, because they very much bank on the idea of monogamy.  That textbook cookie cutter relationship idea that is the standard in Japan. Even as a nerd, I have difficulties due to non-monogamy. Luckily, the game is being remade, and set to come out in the next year or so.  Maybe then it'll have more aspects of polyamoury in it, which I think will even add further complexities to the game overall. Either that or from now on I just need to tell everyone to fuck off in the game, because they're honestly all lying bitches. Yup, that sounds like the best idea. No bitches trying to corner me into what they want by l

Lux the other day started joking that he wanted a harem of anime waifu.  I thought about how all harem anime tend to go, and pointed out a lot of problems.  And upon this, noticed how unhealthy of an example of poly most harem anime is. There's unhealthy amounts of competition, everyone fighting for attention, where the center of the harem is too oblivious generally to try and balance them all.  There is also usually either pressure from inside the group, or even an external force trying to make the protagonist choose one romantic interest. It both creates an idea of fantasy, as well as the pressures of our monogamist culture. While yes, I will continue to giggle at harem tropes, but appreciate healthy poly practices in real life.

I read a lot of things about poly, and hear a lot of arguments for it that give the reasoning of one person not being able to be everything a person needs.  That they need another person to fill in the gaps, and this should just be considered normal. Except, I feel like that cultivates a negative space.  It means telling someone they aren't enough every day.  It encourages a competitive environment in hopes that you'll become the more tended to partner by being more appealing than the other.  It creates a space where we look at things as needs, which may just be surface desires.  And it makes us look at people more as a checklist than as people. I have the same needs for every partner I have, regardless of their space in my life.  Those needs are things like presence, acceptance of who I am, respect, and conversation.  They are all pretty basic, and that's because I need that to be fulfilled more than most other things.  There's never a gap to fill, and I think th

I had a friend over last weekend, who is going through a breakup, and realizing her needs and such in the process.  It's insane, to see so much of my past in another relationship, and that imbalance and disregard of needs. Over the last couple years, I've had so much concern for my partners.  For their lives, and safety, and taking care of them how I can.  I've also had to keep track of my own bandwidth of being able to balance them both.  Something frequently in my thoughts, and that I take great care with. And the number of people I see that don't do that astounds me.  The people who simply throw attention where they want.  And how people make excuses for that, and encourage that behavior, will never solve the problem. I've realized a lot of things about myself over the last weekend, and how far I've come.  I've also realized how far from the norm I am, and that I am not the kind of person most would be able to deal with in any sort of dynamic. T

When being poly is good, it's really good.  Partners are supportive, and present, and things are awesome. And yea, sometimes things are going on with one or the other, and you shift your focus as necessary without the other one feeling left out, because everything is cool. But, when shit goes down with one, it's never only one. Lux has some incredibly serious and horrible things going on right now, and is a mess.  I've been being present where I can, but it's a mix of him not wanting people around, or me not being able to be there, or a ton of other things. On the same hand, Kitty was stuck in Irma, hunkering down at home, where I had no way to see if they were safe as I watched footage of the area where he works flooding. And here I am, in the middle, unable to help either one. So, needless to say, earlier this week I was a mess. Not only do I have one boy to worry about, but multiple.  And it sucks. But damn it, they're cute. Poly is dumb.

Right now, a ton of vidja games are on sale, and so this week has had a super dopey thing going on, but it's kind of funny in its own way. I decided it was a good time to pick up some new games for myself, as they are really cheap, and my wish list was piling up.  I had a gift card I'd use to get a couple little things for myself, and something for Lux and I to play together. Well, I asked him which of two games he'd rather play with me, having told him about them both in the past, and that we would probably have a lot of fun with them.  Instead of getting a response, he buys me both, with a note saying he was sorry for being a dick lately.  Well, not only was he not being a dick lately, but now I needed to figure out what to get all over again.  I had wanted to be nice, and not make him buy games for once, and he did it anyway.  Which in ways was irritating, and cute, but still a little disheartening because I had wanted to be the one to pick things up for a change.