A New Devious Chapter

Last Fusion post for a couple weeks.  I think.  I can't actually promise that. Anyway. While making some plans to play with people at Fusion, one of the things that I noticed was that the majority of my friends tend to be top leaning.  This means, that when they either ask me to play, or I approach them, most of those people are asking me to bottom. And, I found this a little disappointing.  Every time I was asked to be a stationary bottom for a scene, it just made me wish I had more opportunity to top.  It reminded me how much I enjoy being a sadist, and that I wanted more chances to play with that. Mind you, I do get a ton of enjoyment from the play I have with Lux, or even with Kitty on the chance that it happens.  I have no problem being a bottom during that play, because that's the dynamic we've built, and what I enjoy from it. But with other people, in situations I haven't built yet, I want more opportunities to be actively topping in scenes. I've

With Fusion coming soon, it means starting to make plans for play.  One of the people Lux and I met last year became a friend, and over the course of the year has dropped hints that he wanted to play.  Well, I got to the point where I could start working on my dance card, and told him that we should find time for negotiations before the event, to save time. Later that night, with him being the person who initiated the idea of play, asks me what I want to do.  Now, to me, this is rather irritating.  If you approach someone, you should at least have a vague idea of something you're interested in.  Instead, as I asked him, he continually tried to pass the ball back to me, avoiding giving me any sort of answer. Frustrated, I gave him my biggest limits, hoping it would give him more to work off of.  He did the equivalent of throwing his Fet profile down on the table and asking me to build a scene from that.  Needless to say, this didn't help me at all. After many irritating at

Lux was way out of town last week, of course right after most of his move, so he was practically dead. While he was spending a day travelling out there, we did a lot of discussion on how we wanted to play more.  How we felt about it now, why we haven't played as much, and a lot of other things.  We talked about how we want to try some different things, and what would help us work through things in order to play far more often. It was decided that we need to do more work with abstract ideas of scenes.  Not elaborately worked out concepts, but more a single line that can create a train of thought. And this helped a ton.  Because we can take a few things we want to do, figure out a line to stand for that, and it makes a very open ended theme, which isn't as difficult to work with as no prompt at all, and easier to work with than a scripted scene. It's resulted in bringing on a lot more power exchange this week, and talks of having a lot more play when I do get to see L

I've been plotting out the next couple months, and while that includes a trip up to see Lux, a wedding we are going to, and a handful of other small things, it also means starting to think about Fusion. It's the same week Squishy finishes school again, but luckily there wasn't any snow days, so we should actually be able to attend the entire event for the most part.  That means more time at camp, and given that Lux and I want to do more with the event this year, that's important. I'm planning on teaching a lot more, and pulling out some interesting performances that I'll be able to tell the story on in the coming week or so.  I also want to play with more people, and really take advantage of the event. My classes are all prepped, luckily.  I just need Pyre to go through and pick what exactly I'm bringing.  This will involve a lot of new things, which I'm excited to teach, as it involves lectures, which is something I haven't done in a long time

While Lux was here last weekend, we continued the process of small renegotiations and creating a much more coherent understanding of how our relationship and needs work. Part of that was figuring out what we should, and shouldn't do with other people.  More specifically, if there should be anything that is exclusive to our dynamic that we don't share with others. I've talked about this before I believe, how I think keeping something special to a dynamic, which doesn't get shared with anyone else can be a good way to create security, or make each dynamic unique.  Lux has had one thing of his which was a need for a long time on his behalf, which we talked about and made a bit clearer, although it likely won't change how I do anything. And then I sat, and wondered if there was anything on my side.  Part of me wanted just something.  I actually went to fetlife and looked for something that I would only want us sharing with each other, and couldn't find anythin

While I was with Zero a week and a half ago, Lux was with one of his newer partners.  His second time spending time with her, though they talk fairly frequently.  And unfortunately, for the second time, she caused him harm.  Hurt him in ways that he was messed up for a couple days afterward, and tried to manipulate him in a few ways. Needless to say, finding out about this caused a lot of feelings on my part.  I know I'm overprotective, and this perked up every bit of that.  At the same time, I had concern for him, in a lot of different ways.  I wanted to scoop him up and comfort him.  To take care of him and help him process.  Make sure he felt safe, because sometimes submission means being the strong, steady, and protecting one. For a second I had wished I was there in the moment, before realizing that might not have been the best idea. On one hand I would have been able to see exactly how it went.  Been able to take care of him in the moment, and have a better idea of wh

While Lux and I were in Philly, we ran into someone who had been to some events we had, and were chatting a bit.  I told him that I was teaching at them, and listing off what I taught, in case he had seen them in the line up. His reaction was a bit of surprise, because my classes are so specific and require a lot of education and expertise.  After a moment of quiet, he just said he teaches 101 style skill techniques, and I just kept the conversation like those classes were on the same level. I know I bring classes that aren't common in the scene.  I know I bring something that takes more training and understanding than a lot of kink basics.  I also have a lot more education and experience than even most kink educators in the scene when it comes to dance.  However, even as a dancer, I still attend beginners classes, because they're important. 101 and basics classes are incredibly important.  You need to put together something that is easy enough to digest for people who ha

A bit over a week ago, the long talk Lux and I wound up having about power exchange was spurned by a question.  I had posed a fantastical situation, which we both had liked, which involved some definite gestures of ownership.  While talking about what I enjoyed about it, I couldn't quite find the right word.  I had defaulted to "hot" with the vibe of the conversation, but immediately caught myself.  While yes, in the moment it would be sexy and stimulating, there are remnants that have far more of an effect on me, which I would find very affirming and fulfilling. And that, was what Lux questioned.  Not being someone who submits in any context of power, he wasn't sure if this was what I had meant as a slave, or something more.  I had to tell him that while it may be fulfilling as a slave, that alone carries over a lot.  He didn't quite understand the concept of it, so I had to expound upon it further with some manner of word spew toward him when I had a few momen

Lux and I wound up having little comments about my visit.  About things regarding play and dynamics and such.  It popped into my head, and I asked, if we should sit down and do a proper renewal of negotiations.  When we first got together, we never really did much in the way of negotiations at all.  He looked through my fet writings, saw my limits, and went from there.  Then we just sort of learned each other along the way.  And while that was fantastic in the moment when we had no overly elaborate scenes planned, and wanted to build a friendship rather than just play, it may be time for a more formal revisit. We've been together for over five years, and in that time, while not much has changed in regards to limits or interests, in some ways we've gotten complacent.  We have anxiety because we haven't sat to really talk about all of those things.  As much as we don't have a routine, we often fall into the same pool of things we know we enjoy. And, it isn't bad

Upon having my IUD replaced, I also got a full round of STD testing, which I was probably rather overdue for, but it was done, and came up as I had expected it to. While talking to Lux about it, and giving him my status, he talked about how he needed to get tested as well, and we talking about shared status, and differences in our own methods. Along with that, I've been thinking a lot about the many differences in our methods and preferences.  Nothing that involves safety mind you, we're both in heavy agreement about all of that, but many other things. Lux in general, makes decisions on his own who he plays with.  When we both know the person, we will sometimes talk about things first, but often, Lux will simply tell me that he plans on playing with someone, or even telling me about it the next day.  On the other hand, because my play is with only very rare exception with people I already know and am friends with, I make sure to check in with Lux about it ahead of time. 

I don't play with a lot of people. I have no problem with meeting people, and making friends, but I don't do a lot of pick up play. And even more than that, I encourage vanilla time with kinky friends.  Long conversations about silly things, baking, and lots of fun mundane things. I like the process of becoming friends.  I like learning about people, and having quality time.  When I meet new people, getting to have the time to build a real connection with them is my favorite. Unfortunately, I find that a lot of people don't stick around for things like that.  If they don't get the time to play, they leave, and honestly, I'm ok with that.  I don't wait a long time, but I do give people a bit of time for me to actually get to know them.  I want to learn that they actually have interest in me and not just the idea of play. I want to learn what we can do after. I want to know what to expect from you the rest of the time. Honestly, I would

Lux and I have had a plan for a particular scene for a while.  He wanted to have me suspended as a punching bag, and then turn it into an impact scene.  Needless to say, I had no issue with any part of this idea.  We just needed to take time to figure things out with blood pooling, and time restrictions and such for safety. Well, one night at Pennsic, while we're all sitting in the dojo, Lux asks if I am up for doing it.  He ran it past a friend to rig me up, and everything was good. The dojo was crowded, but I went up.  Lux started punching me, and jokes started being made.  At one point, I wound up completely lifting myself upright in laughter.  People commented about endorphins being built up soon, and such things. At one point, since all my weight was on one wrap around my hips, the rope dug in so much that I needed to be shifted.  I wound up with raw spots after the fact, so I definitely needed to move.  The scene continued beyond that point though, and everyone enjoyed

Right after I got home from my visit with Dansa, Lux asked if we could hang out on voice for an evening, just to hang out.  We've been doing that a lot more lately, just so he has more contact with people, and because it's been nice to have that change in communication. He mentioned, almost as though he expected it to be dismissed, that he had been thinking about more serious role driven play.  Not necessarily scenarios, but a less silly, level and casual sort of play than we normally have. For a long time, I kept really quiet about this exact thing.  Lux was processing a lot, and working through a lot of issues regarding these things from past partners, or people pushing for things he wasn't comfortable, and making him feel pressured,  left unconsidered, and that he didn't have any control, despite being the domly person.  I tried to encourage him to work through these things for him, and not bringing up what I wanted, to keep him from thinking I was just being sel

With me feeling much more toppy than normal, Lux and I have a lot of the same worries lately.  That someone will either make a false claim about us, or miscommunicate, or something will happen, and we'll both be thrown down the hole of consent violators, unable to say anything because of his appearance, and my lack of visible credibility as a top. We talk about how we don't want to get lax enough have that become a chance. That we're worried with any new person we play with, or would potentially play with. We also talk about precautions we take with each other.  Either being present for the other's scenes as an extra set of eyes. How we will call out any bad habits we see forming, even when together, and encourage the good ones to stay, and grow. Sometimes, being a safe partner is a team effort, and that's why we can't leave these things to ourselves.  We need to know where we slip, even if accidentally, and even if just for a second. It's someth

Last weekend I went up to the city to visit Dansa, after she had visited me a few times, and was asking when I could come up to her place.  After a lot of arguing with the gnome, and dealing with things, I was off to the city, with plans to go to a rope thing that night, and some little adventures for my birthday.  I had to navigate the city unsupervised to get up to her place, which went fairly smoothly, as worried as I was.  When I got up there I provided much desired distraction from work, and got settled in.  We got some food, had coffee, and I found out one of the people I was supposed to tie with wouldn't be there that night. We went off to the rope event, which was incredibly quiet.  Dansa got through her ties, including one bendy one on me.  She tried doing some purposefully mean things, and got a bit pouty when I didn't even flinch.  Even when she dropped me back on the ground, she started kicking me to try and get me to acknowledge pain, wound up hurting herself

As I said a while ago, Lux and I haven't had very much chance for real beatdowns very often.  We've had small moments of violence, but in general, most of my play has been with others, and making plans to play with them. While we were in the dungeon, we listened to all the moans and sexy sounds of play going on.  Lux commented at one point that while everyone else was doing that, I was giggling.  Giggling, and using all of those endorphins from our play to process that pain going on and stay aware. Because I've been playing with other people, I had trained myself not to relax and just enjoy play, but process it in a way that I could be clear and communicative and pay attention to what is happening with them. I couldn't relax and let it build into happy floaty feelings, let myself just enjoy, because I've needed to watch what is going on as someone learns about me. Except that Lux knows me.  He knows what I can take, and I know I can trust him. I remember w

If you can't tell by now, camp had a lot of people trying to figure me out over time. Lux is very obviously just a top and a domly person, and no one questioned that when we got there. However, when we first showed up, people just thought I was another submissive there with a domly dom, all quiet and awkward. And then I started having those conversations about how I go about things that Lux isn't into.  The sort of safe details that only someone who has topped those things for a while would do. They got the idea I was a switch, but then those ideas started rolling in their heads.  Do Lux I and I switch?  What things do I even do?  How much knowledge, and how careful am I? And from there I noticed a lot more people talking to me.  No longer was I someone who just took what Lux dished out.  I was now someone to figure out.  I talked a lot more about safety in things I do than just listing off what I enjoy.  When people heard about how much of a beating I can take, they

I'm back from my first Fusion, and feeling better about it the longer I look at it.  There was good and bad, and the event was very different for both Lux and I just due to how we kept somewhat different schedules with my having classes to manage and all. Lux came in from Austin where he was training for his new job.  He showed up at my doorstep in a suit, and if we didn't have a two hour drive ahead of us, that suit would have been a mess shortly after seeing him. The ride was fairly uneventful, with the exception of us making the same mistake we always do when we make a trip west.  We will inevitably do the same thing in a month come Pennsic. Getting there, I got a very similar feeling to Pennsic, but on a much smaller scale.  It felt comfortable, and despite everything, I had no problem walking around Fusion by myself at night. Thursday Lux met Pyre for the first time, and I met a bunch of the fire team.  While awkward at first, they let me open up by the end of the

Lux and I talked a lot about the dangers of many people in the scene, and our fears bringing people in, and the risks we take.  We spoke about how he doesn't know how he'd react to someone accusing him of something he didn't do, or blowing a situation up way beyond the truth. I laughed, and said that I'd go ahead and step in and handle in.  While he found it amusing, and hopefully as something supportive, he said that he didn't need me fighting all his battles.  And while yes, I do let him handle and learn a lot of things for himself, I'm going to be supportive where I can, and in those situations where he is backed into a corner, I'm not going to stop myself from setting things straight.  I'm far too overprotective to let him get hurt and not do anything about it. To which we talked about how I've already proven that.  That he was accused of something by someone absolutely unsafe, after I had been told even more conflicting statements.  He was

Along with everything else, I've been trying to spend more time with people lately.  More conversations, more socializing, more human contact. While I'm not quite recharged as an extrovert, it is helping dramatically.   It however, makes me notice far more, all the introverts in my life, and people who are just horrible at communicating.  It's a frustrating thing sometimes, and really difficult to deal with, considering that presence is so important to me.  It's not that I want them constantly in contact, but when I'm trying to hear something, and get ignored for a week, it's hard. However, it's also making me want to play more, mostly with my own partners.  I want more deep trusting play than simple scenes with friends, which is very normal for me anyway. It's making me look forward to the summer, even with all of my anxiety for the time leading to it.   And trying to force myself to be more social again is definitely using more of my