A New Devious Chapter

While Lux was here last weekend, we continued the process of small renegotiations and creating a much more coherent understanding of how our relationship and needs work. Part of that was figuring out what we should, and shouldn't do with other people.  More specifically, if there should be anything that is exclusive to our dynamic that we don't share with others. I've talked about this before I believe, how I think keeping something special to a dynamic, which doesn't get shared with anyone else can be a good way to create security, or make each dynamic unique.  Lux has had one thing of his which was a need for a long time on his behalf, which we talked about and made a bit clearer, although it likely won't change how I do anything. And then I sat, and wondered if there was anything on my side.  Part of me wanted just something.  I actually went to fetlife and looked for something that I would only want us sharing with each other, and couldn't find anythin

While I was with Zero a week and a half ago, Lux was with one of his newer partners.  His second time spending time with her, though they talk fairly frequently.  And unfortunately, for the second time, she caused him harm.  Hurt him in ways that he was messed up for a couple days afterward, and tried to manipulate him in a few ways. Needless to say, finding out about this caused a lot of feelings on my part.  I know I'm overprotective, and this perked up every bit of that.  At the same time, I had concern for him, in a lot of different ways.  I wanted to scoop him up and comfort him.  To take care of him and help him process.  Make sure he felt safe, because sometimes submission means being the strong, steady, and protecting one. For a second I had wished I was there in the moment, before realizing that might not have been the best idea. On one hand I would have been able to see exactly how it went.  Been able to take care of him in the moment, and have a better idea of wh

Lux and I were talking the other day about how a partner of his gets very starry-eyed submissive over him.  I mentioned how that has high potential for danger, just in general, and he talked about while he's aware of it, he's also a sucker for those behaviors. Jokingly, I said that I don't know how he deals with my very different form of submission.  He asked what I meant, and I mentioned about how I don't fall into that demure starry-eyed stereotype.  He reminded me that when the chips are down, I am obedient, and I don't use submission as a manipulation tactic.  He also said that my submission is me being me, no matter what sort it is. And it's true.  While I do have those moments of feeling like happy tiny property while curled up in Lux's lap, normally my submission is based on being strong, and aware.  I do what I can to make Lux happy, and if I am encouraging change, it's in ways that he says he wants to work on something.  I help keep track

Oliver is very much a timid dog.  While he can often be a bit outspoken, I often call him a weenie, as he will constantly hide behind me, looking for me to protect him. But just as often, whenever I have him on the leash outside, and even when just standing in the house or the yard, he plops his butt on my feet.  Sitting tall and proud, looking out while keeping my toes warm. It's a gesture of territorial affection.  Him sitting there saying I'm his person, and showing me off as I stand over him. It makes me reflect on how his behaviors as a pup don't differ all that much from people.  Especially so in kink dynamics. There are often times when I will sit on the floor, just because I want to, and then lean onto Lux's leg.  I don't feel like I have to, but it's my way to snuggle without getting in the way, and creates a definite visible gesture to our power exchange. And never do I feel like I have to sit there, or like I'm ashamed to.  I ch

A bit over a week ago, the long talk Lux and I wound up having about power exchange was spurned by a question.  I had posed a fantastical situation, which we both had liked, which involved some definite gestures of ownership.  While talking about what I enjoyed about it, I couldn't quite find the right word.  I had defaulted to "hot" with the vibe of the conversation, but immediately caught myself.  While yes, in the moment it would be sexy and stimulating, there are remnants that have far more of an effect on me, which I would find very affirming and fulfilling. And that, was what Lux questioned.  Not being someone who submits in any context of power, he wasn't sure if this was what I had meant as a slave, or something more.  I had to tell him that while it may be fulfilling as a slave, that alone carries over a lot.  He didn't quite understand the concept of it, so I had to expound upon it further with some manner of word spew toward him when I had a few momen

After talking about the idea of sitting down for a refresh of negotiations, Lux and I had a long talk about power exchange lately.  It started with him asking about how power exchange affects me when it is more active (more on that another day, because there is enough of it) and how it translates well beyond a scene or a moment. We talked for a while about my affirming him that I wasn't after it for toxic reasons, and bringing up some of his brainbugs with why power exchange doesn't appear often in our casual day to day. He voiced his discomfort, and issues with certain things, and I started reassuring him.  The particular things that creep along in his mind, aren't really things that I need, or even really want.  I encouraged him to do things outside of those issues that I do want, so we can both be comfortable and happy. I gave a couple of examples of the past, when he's done such things, and he made a joke about my preference.  As a response, I told him that th

Lux and I wound up having little comments about my visit.  About things regarding play and dynamics and such.  It popped into my head, and I asked, if we should sit down and do a proper renewal of negotiations.  When we first got together, we never really did much in the way of negotiations at all.  He looked through my fet writings, saw my limits, and went from there.  Then we just sort of learned each other along the way.  And while that was fantastic in the moment when we had no overly elaborate scenes planned, and wanted to build a friendship rather than just play, it may be time for a more formal revisit. We've been together for over five years, and in that time, while not much has changed in regards to limits or interests, in some ways we've gotten complacent.  We have anxiety because we haven't sat to really talk about all of those things.  As much as we don't have a routine, we often fall into the same pool of things we know we enjoy. And, it isn't bad

I'm home from Lux's now, and it was a good week, albeit difficult in many ways. Lux had a lot of stress from many sources, which kept him distracted often.  Sometimes this was his own mind just being working against him, but there were a lot of very challenging things to work through over the course of the week. I tried to take care of things where I could, and help him out over the course of the week, whether spoiling him, showing affection, or doing little helpful things. There were also lots of wonderful moments that we both enjoyed, and I'm glad we got to share.  It was definitely a week I'm happy for, because we got to have that time together again.  In many ways, Lux tried to practice more power exchange and comfort with service.  It's good to feel like we have a more present a visible exchange.  It may still just be visible to us, but that's all we need. I did find that I didn't quite have enough to work on to keep busy for his entire workda

I spent some time curious. Seeing what other people are writing about when it comes to a few of the things I want to teach.  Taking ideas to help adapt classes, and build them in a more accessible way. Except, a lot of what I saw on similar subjects were near the complete opposite. Things like how to speak to dominants in a pleasing way. How not to get angry with a dom. How to ask for things without annoying a dom. Just a pile of things that slowly made me frustrated. All of these things muddle communication.  They dismiss emotions, and create an assumptive and unhealthy scale for a relationship.  They felt like my dynamic with Thrax, where I had to say what he wanted regardless of how I felt.  That my frustration with his lies and bringing them up was wrong.  That my constantly asking for what I needed, or things he promised should have just been ignored. Even if it isn't straight abuse, it doesn't help encourage any sort of healthy communication and strength.

There are certain things we need to be sure to hold ourselves accountable for in casual settings.  We all need a level of self awareness and control, no matter what we're doing, or our orientation. One morning at Pennsic, while we were all still shambling about and putting ourselves together, sipping coffee, and waiting on the shower, one of our camp mates was talking about her night.  She had met up with a well established domly person who no one is really terribly fond of, and was chatting with him.  Apparently at one point he started trying to use his domly voice, knowing he has tried to establish this over decades, and she responded by calling him sir. She said it was compulsory, and while upset with herself, acted like it was just a reaction to domly behavior. Lux and I spoke about this.   About our disappointment on both parts. That domly person sure as hell shouldn't be trying to manipulate people he thinks might be submissive with speaking like that. 

One of the nice things about camping with this group is that they know a bit about our dynamic.  They also very respectfully acknowledge that I'm a switch, and just as much a sadist as I am a masochist. They don't know a lot of the finer details though, and it leads to some moments that are a little funnier for Lux and I, albeit a bit awkward. Things like being around other submissives who are looking at doing something for their partner, and asking what Lux needs, then they look at me like I'm supposed to do it, the way I did earlier.  Except that time I was also doing something for myself as well, and Lux had to take care of something else.  Lux still is becoming more comfortable with service when he isn't busy, and prefers to do for himself.  He also doesn't like not knowing how to do something himself, even if he will have it done for him when someone else is there.  So here I am being looked at, while Lux is getting up to do for himself, and I am looking ba

Right after I got home from my visit with Dansa, Lux asked if we could hang out on voice for an evening, just to hang out.  We've been doing that a lot more lately, just so he has more contact with people, and because it's been nice to have that change in communication. He mentioned, almost as though he expected it to be dismissed, that he had been thinking about more serious role driven play.  Not necessarily scenarios, but a less silly, level and casual sort of play than we normally have. For a long time, I kept really quiet about this exact thing.  Lux was processing a lot, and working through a lot of issues regarding these things from past partners, or people pushing for things he wasn't comfortable, and making him feel pressured,  left unconsidered, and that he didn't have any control, despite being the domly person.  I tried to encourage him to work through these things for him, and not bringing up what I wanted, to keep him from thinking I was just being sel

One last Fusion post.  I think. So, one of the most amusing things I found over time while at Compound, was how people never quite knew how to think of me.  That they were constantly having little tidbits, and only getting more and more confused and intrigued. Camp definitely started with them thinking I was a submissive bottom.  That I belonged to Lux, and it was as simple as that.  They looked at Lux and tagged him for a domly dom top, and gave me the easiest box to go with it. Until sitting there one morning, discussing knifeplay methods, and I started talking about my own practices as a top in regards to safety and tools.  Suddenly I was more.  This was something Lux didn't talk about, it wasn't me talking about him.  It was my own practice as a top. And then, they realized I switch. But, did Lux switch? Did we switch together? Were we both into all the same things as a top? Now, Lux and I don't switch.  I am very statically a happy slave, but they don&#

One of the things that I had had to deal with quite a bit as camp went on was people assuming the chain I wear every day was a collar to Lux. Part of my normal jewelry is a piece of elfweave chain I made that fits like a choker.  It was probably the most difficult chain I ever made when I started on it, but it looks complex and pretty, so I wear it every day. And being where we were, a lot of people assumed it was a collar.  That either Lux had made it, or we had gotten it made as a symbol of our exchange. I corrected them over most of the weekend.  Saying that I had made it myself, and it was simply a fun project that I like wearing.  It left a lot of people confused as to our dynamic, but I think that'll be covered in the future. Just before we left, as I was showing Lux the new toys I got, a couple we had talked to on and off was there, and I had to explain that they were for me to use, rather than just him.  They were suddenly drawn toward the idea of me as a top, and t

Lux asked me a couple weeks ago if I wanted to accompany him to a wedding he was in last weekend.  It happened to be a weekend that I was without a Squishy, so I said I would be his plus one, and we could spend some time together before Fusion.  Well, after a week of trying to figure out details, Lux made his way down after the rehearsal.  We had joked a day or two before that whenever we spend time together, we need to do prep work.  Drinking extra water, stretching, cardio, all an amusing number of things to need to do knowing our own marathon habits. Well, the entire weekend was busy.  The wedding went smoothly, with the exception of Lux's suit exploding on the dance floor.  He kept said that it fit poorly, and then tried to squat while dancing, and poof.  We thought about trying to get through dinner, but that wasn't going to happen.  Just as food was being brought out, we went back to the hotel, where Lux did a full squat, just for the full range of pants explosion, be

As a follow up to a post the other day, Lux and I have had quite a bit more focus on power exchange lately.  We've both really been feeling it, and trying not to just ignore that, but acknowledge it in the moment, rather than saying we'll get to it when we're together. It's also become a huge symbol of how much we both care about the needs of the other.  Even in adapting small gestures to give him control, we spoke for a while on how to tailor this to work for us.  What makes him know I'm being me, and let's him also have control over the situation without just blanket rules.  Something active, that not only gives him control through my gesture, but in how he scales it in the moment.  Which, in my mind, might not create ritual, but is more controlling, because it's always in his hands. We've been looking at a lot of little things we do, and noticing how much we put power exchange into them.  That many things we look at as possessive in our own way. 

Lux and I have been talking a lot about power exchange lately, and at one point I talked about how I could do heavy elaborate exchange in the short term, but probably not for more than the occasional day, just because I am the type that when I set myself up to do something, I want to get it done before moving onto something else, including things asked of me by others.  Lux responded by saying that he tries not to push asking things of me in our exchange, because of my general "Fuck everyone" MO.  And yes, most of the time when people expect me to obey, give them control, or just let them have say over me, I tell them to fuck off and kick their ass.  For a very long time in my life, I had people trying to change who I am, or control how I do things, or just expecting me to be submissive regardless of who I am, because I'm tiny and female bodied. Lux's response to everything though is always for me to be me.  If I were to ever do anything outside of what he knows

I've noticed more and more lately, that in the midst of my mind slowly getting back to normal I'm finally wanting play and kink again.  I want forceful play for the fun of it, and to enjoy the time with people.  I want more opportunity to do the things that bring me mental peace, and help me clear my head. And I notice that in the last few days, I want very possessive power exchange.  Less of the passive exchange we're used to, which is rarely brought up unless attached to an action.  More active emphasis on the dynamic, control, and ownership. It's rather unsurprising honestly.  I've been feeling rather alone lately, and barely having contact with others, or a positive influence.  In my day to day, I have several people telling me negative abusive things, and while I don't believe them, I don't have much if anything telling me otherwise. I'm craving something to make me feel wanted.  Something to make me feel like I make a positive impact, and lik

Unsurprisingly, while Lux was streaming the other day, I was sending fun little things to him and our friends. At one point, in the middle of the raid they were on, while dying a few times, I sent a snarky thing to Lux.  When he found it, he made sure to tell everyone he was playing with, obviously just seeing it as our normal routine of behaviors, and treating it that way. Not having as much knowledge of us together, one of them comments "Is there some way you can punish and correct that behavior?  I'm sure between all of us, we could help bounce ideas and figure something out." Lux is quiet, as everyone giggles over both my comment, and in agreement of the correction. Meanwhile, far away from any microphones, I am laughing so hard my face hurts.  Something they'd probably all see as defiantly bratty, confident in the fact that people don't stop me from being me, and that includes my snarky troublemaking behavior. It was a small moment that act

The other day Lux and I were having a pretty long conversation about a lot of things.  And while it definitely rolled through a few subjects, we discussed a lot of what piques different parts of our brains, and the like. Of course, it started by me needing to remind him that I do actually respond to discipline, so long as whatever is happening is being said that it's discipline, and there then is a presence of positive reinforcement for good things as well.  I think Lux often forgets this just because we keep things pretty neutral, and most of the time when he does something that would be seen as punishment to other dynamics, I find it fun and encouraging because I'm not being told it should be otherwise. We also talked about how a lot of the time, I tell him he's in charge because so much of our dynamic is based on very simple respect, and not a lot of active power exchange.  About how he enjoys exerting some amount of territorial possessiveness on occasion, and how he