A New Devious Chapter

 I've kept up with the blog for a very long time.  From posting twice a week for many years, to posting once, it's been a massive project of devotion and commitment that I have always managed to write in.  Originally it was something to hold me accountable, and then something for someone else to look in on, it held purpose and had a use for a long time. However, in the last few months it feels like an obligation amongst all the things I do.  I'm having trouble figuring out ways to make interesting post ideas, and it's lost the focus from how things started here.  Where this was labeled as a new chapter, it's been at least a decade, and there have been multiple chapters of my life in that time. And with that said, I'm entering another new chapter, and I think this one doesn't involve reflection here.  There are many things that I want to try in order to grow and make myself better, and making sure there is a full post here every week defeats some of the poin...

 When I got home from my bout with covid, I was inspired to get things put together at Rabbit's, and make the house there ready for us to move in.  We had so many ideas about how to get the house functional, cleaned up, and looking like a real home.  Knowing that this year we move in together, we both are feeling excited and impatient, and ready to get things prepared. I had to go home though, to my puppy and my kid, and two weeks worth of falling behind on work that wasn't touched.  I was completely unaware of the situation I was going home to, with what my parents had done or not, or Squishy as well.  The next week was also all the birthdays, which meant even more on my plate. Well, Squishy was herself, and didn't make anything easier on me.  I was still run down from being sick, with a mountain of things to catch up on as well as I could, and anxiety about a myriad of ideas, and she was being difficult at every turn.  I wasn't getting answers about ...

 This isn't even going up when my weekly post normally should, so clearly, things haven't been going as planned. We had the new years party, and all manner of things with my initial visit with Rabbit, and then I wasn't feeling well.  He made the call to have me stay for a couple more days, which he wasn't going to complain with, and well, we both wound up sick, and that turned out to be covid. This round was technically a little more mild than when we had it last year, but very different for both of us.  I should have gotten some things done while recovering, instead I took the time to mostly just try and maintain some level of keeping the place straightened for Rabbit and just rested with him.   It was tough after a while.  I started reading more by the last few days, and got an amount of crochet done on my new large project.  We did a lot of talking about the future though, and how we want the house to work.  While we're on the same page for mos...

 The last year wasn't easy, and felt like one thing after another constantly without any rest.  What started with dogs and covid, to my first trip out of the country, to strange situations in Rabbit's home, becoming engaged, and so many more things.  It's been ups and downs and events of all sorts just getting through the year.   And through the year, there have been so many times that I have been in tears.  I have wept and processed and felt more than I remember myself every doing as an adult.  It comes with learning how much trauma I hold from my existence this far, and trying to heal from it.  As I navigate this relationship, and I wind up in spaces that caused me the trauma and damage in the first place, it hits harder because I have a space where I get to leave survival mode.  I get to actually learn about safe and healthy existence, and how caring treatment exists. At the same time, I have had so much good happen.  I have gotten to...

 Amidst it all, we have even rockier roads.   I found out last minute that the weekend after Chanukah had Squishy going up to her father for one last visit before Christmas.  I had enough things to do that I would have been busy at home, but told Rabbit about her leaving as soon as I knew.  Without pause, he asked if he could come get me for the weekend.  I brought up his returning to work, and so it sat in limbo a bit, but I told him that instead of getting specific things I needed to do, I could accomplish some other tasks which would make a lot easier. Rabbit had prep to do for returning to work, and still needed to finish the yard after the neighbor filed complaints.  Where I had intended to get other things done, I wound up helping with that all weekend, after we had said things were more relaxed than we thought, and there were other things that I needed to get done.  We also wanted to go and spend time together, having not had the chance to ...

 After all of the explosions on all sides, I had two days home to try and get things done before heading out with Rabbit again.  I was suddenly dumped with the mental load of a home that expected me to do without any regard for anything, and it was quickly affecting me.  Even with everything we were juggling out at Rabbit's, I found it easier on my mental state than just being home for two days.  He saw what was happening, and felt badly for me.  I explained that this has been what I was raised to think was normal, and he immediately felt stressed about it, and wanted to get me out of the house and moved in with him. However, we got Squishy home from school, and all packed up to head out.  The plan, even with the obstacles, was to have dinner with his parents for Chanukah, and then the next day he could tackle the yard while we cleaned in the house, and then have a Friday dinner at his place.  Most of his parents' friends weren't feeling up to celebrat...

 I was supposed to have one and a half weeks between Thanksgiving and Channukah.  That time was meant to be used for a thousand things, caught in the juggle of catching up with everything I make, gifts, holidays, parenting, and general life.  Every day was going to be nonstop, but I had a plan for it all. The Friday before Channukah I called Rabbit to wake him up, and within an hour he found out that a neighbor who was consistently hollering at him over nothing, or calling the cops on things that wasn't him had filed with the township about his front yard being "unsightly".  He also got told by one of his new roommates that he wasn't able to make rent, and had to deal with a someone showing up to do some pest treatments.  As he was driving away from all this, he got a call saying animal control was there, because the same neighbor had filed another complaint about noise and the yard being a "health hazard" due to smell and feces, which is interesting conside...

 Coming into Thanksgiving I went a bit into overdrive.  I had so much I knew I was going to need to juggle, with the coming holidays, everything that I now balance, two homes to be present for, and everything else.  I had project after project being piled upon me, as well as the mental load of both houses, and the increasing physical load of my own house. Where it should have been an easy week, I was rather nonstop leading up to heading out for the holiday.  My parents were pushing guilt up to the last minute, as though I would change my plans and stay home just so they could treat me poorly and feel better about themselves.  I left, despite some bumps in the road, and had a fairly peaceful holiday.  It didn't quite go as planned for anyone, but could have been far worse, and we felt a little better by the end of it. I got home knowing I would be busy.  I had a lot of projects to finish, and they needed to be done quickly to work with a different deadl...

 Thanksgiving may have been last week, but that doesn't mean it isn't time to show appreciation.   This year especially, I have a mix of things to be grateful for.  While I want to talk about the year as a whole soon, I can certainly be thankful now. I am thankful for drive, motivation, and inspiration.  Having a partner with ADHD means that I've seen what finite energy looks like, as well as the freezing, or inability to self start.  I've learned that not only do I manage to gather ideas as the people with ADHD can, but I have the drive to start them and stick to it.  I also manage to keep up with more than most people can due to my time management. And while mentioning ADHD, I'm grateful for my desire to learn, more than most years.  By knowing that Rabbit is diagnosed, I have something to learn about, and where I would normally be frustrated, I understand where our minds work differently, and likewise can try to find ways to help him function, ...

I got home from my week with Rabbit, with only just over a week to go before Thanksgiving.  By the end of the week we had mostly settled after the situation early on, but with so much that had to happen during the week, we still wanted time, and had some lingering anxiousness. Before starting the drive, we talked about it, and he was sharing that he was feeling guilty about things turning out the way I had thought they might.  I told him that we had adjusted during the week, and we made sure we got time together every day.  Then we asked if we each felt we had gotten what we wanted to out of the week.  While we wished we had the chance to go do something together, we were grateful for the time, and he was feeling productive, and like he was moving towards better and healthier habits. Overall, we were finding enough positive in the week, and agreed that what we needed was a day where we just spend time for us soon.  Much like the weekend we took for our anniversa...

 I spent the week after Halloween at Rabbit's, after many speedbumps and difficult brain spaces in the time beforehand.  We got there, and had some things set up, but with his back still acting up, we didn't get to make the plans for the week that we had wanted.  What I needed was decompression, and I didn't know how I was going to get that. What had stacked onto things, was that on top of our sleep schedules still being very different, a new game had come out that was basically a remake of something Rabbit played a lot.  It was something that needed a lot of time, and consistent time in that was keeping him strapped to a computer most of the day.  So a few days into the visit, he went to show me something, and commented that I didn't want to hear about it.   Something I should point out, was that of the majority of the time that the gnome was living with me after Squishy was born, he was unemployed.  Rather than taking care of the child he forced...

 In many ways, I've gotten better over the last year while in a healthy relationship.  Rabbit and I have given each other a space to be our ugliest selves without judgement, and without any risk of the other person running away.  It's allowed us to confront parts of ourselves that we didn't realize were aspects of trauma, so that we can grow and have a chance to truly heal. And in many ways, it's been beneficial.  It drives me to be better for him, better for me, and better for us, while allowing me to reflect and see how much change has occurred since our relationship began.  I find that I don't have anywhere near the anxiety about speaking up that I did, nor the fear of conflict or having needs in general that I used to have.  I'm able to just be happy in a relationship, and look forward to the future, while also enjoying the present. What it unfortunately also does though, is make everything that isn't being tended to feel raw.  No longer shoved awa...

For wanting October to be calm, there was so much to juggle and adjust for, and we've managed to find the silver linings in all of it, or make the best of what we could.  In many ways, we're recovering slowly, but things are tough, and I'm put in a lot of situations that are forcing my hand in ways that I don't want to so soon. A brighter part is that I may stop posting here as much.  I still want to try and write up a post a week in order to help me process my own thoughts and stay organized, but I've decided to pick up a monthly vlog, and so I may not need to write here as a trade off.  It's appearing to be more difficult to try and get the video clips than anything, but I'm sure that will get easier with time. I'm trying to get more ahead with things like writing, drawing, and making videos to help with the busy holidays coming.  With my house still having zero intention of doing the cookiepocalypse again, I'm sad, but it is giving me extra time t...

 We knew that Squishy had a long weekend, and so initially we were planning to have him visit for a couple of days, then we would do the long weekend out his way.  He then decided that he wanted a break away from the house and for us to spend the time at my place, but we would do one night at his parents, so that we could still go to the doctor and have Friday dinner. And at first things were great, with Rabbit finding a new guitar, which meant that I got to enjoy the sound of it, and have lots of time together.  We made our way out to his parents, and enjoyed an evening with them, and woke up Saturday morning.  As we went downstairs, we heard the news on, and found out about everything going on where his family is.  We were worried, and trying to hear from everyone to know they were safe.  The conversation needed to happen about trying to find space for whoever felt they needed to come over if they couldn't stay safe out there. Because it was still part of...

 Things have been difficult at best not between Rabbit and I, but in our homes.  He's had his back injury, and some poor health choices that lead to him getting bells palsy, which is slow going on the healing front.  To top things off, his previous roommate who was the source of a ton of problems, brought fleas into the house, and didn't mention it until everyone was getting bit.  We tried some at home solutions, and while I was there was sticking to them and maintaining it, but as soon as I left it wasn't kept up with the same way and didn't go so well. Rabbit eventually called Terminix, and got a monthly estimate.  For the first appointment, they were six hours late, without notice.  It helped upstairs, but unfortunately, they didn't do the necessary post-care, and it didn't do anything where the issue was the worst.  He scheduled a second appointment, and they just never showed up, without any notice.  Rabbit tried to reschedule, and they could...

 Recently, Rabbit and I had our one year anniversary.  For the first time in so, so very long, I got to celebrate the length of a relationship.  As much as we have both certainly learned that the health and quality of connection mean more than the timespan, it felt good to celebrate a year passing in the way that it has.  There's been so much in the last year, and so much that we've learned and healed just by being together that this one felt big. We started the weekend with Rabbit still feeling a little guilty that we had to change plans.  Initially I had gotten us a little private cottage and we were going to go to a renaissance faire where one of my favorite drum and pipe bands was performing.  With his back however, we scratched that, and I cancelled the reservation, opting instead to get a room in a nearby historic town we've been meaning to visit together, which would be much less traveling and walking, so thereby easier on his back and legs.  I ...

 Since coming back from my last long visit to Rabbit's, there has been a lot going on, but also a return to routine with the school year starting.  It's been helpful in a lot of ways because it gives me some set time to get work done, and get through everything on my list, rather than just trying to cram things in while everyone is demanding my time. And because of that, I can get more done, and really sort out all of my priorities, as well as look at the things that will be more worth my time in the coming weeks and months.  When I know I have set time to do things, I can often get what would three weeks worth of work while at Rabbit's place all done in four days at home. So with that, I've managed in the first few weeks of September to get my youtube channel set for the rest of the calendar year.  All the audio is done, and the videos are rendered and uploaded.  It's a major thing off my list, and I have the beginning of the year planned in a way that will mak...

 We come upon another new year with the high holidays rolling through.  This year started out oddly, and certainly didn't wind up like a normal year, but was a good change of pace.  With having a Jewish partner, it means that rather than navigating things like Christmas or Easter, we need to sort out the many Jewish holidays, on who goes where, and how we celebrate. My family as a whole more or less has been threatened by their doctor to finally behave like diabetics, and so they've been much more strict with their diet.  Going up to the holidays, as my mother makes the exact same things for every holiday she was incredibly clueless.  When I offered to make two or three things (which she wouldn't have to put in any work for) she tried to stop me from cooking, and I said that it would be a hell of a lot cheaper than buying seven little containers of each tiny thing.  That made her quiet down, and so it very clearly became another holiday that I would cook ev...

 A year ago we were a mess of conversation and unsureness.  Rabbit had nervously pushed out the words to say that he had feelings for me, and we spent the following weeks discussing the things we thought we wanted or needed.  There were conversations about fears, obstacles, concerns, and many other things to lay down groundwork of a clear and healthy foundation. It was also the birth of things like Team Ice Cream, threatening to run away to Germany, and being doomed all over the world.  Ultimately, he laid the final decision in my hand each time, and I not only decided that we needed to give things a try, but likewise that we needed to ignore the timeline that we had wound up putting in someone else's hands.  It's a good thing that I did the latter too, because it would have meant waiting until late spring to officially be together at all. And so we began the last year.  A year of discovery, pain, change, difficulty, work, and stress.  We've had health...

 I wasn't back for long, and the state that I was in before rushing off to Rabbit's came right back.  Just after getting home was my sister's birthday, and I had to do everything for it, because no one else knew how.  While I was in the middle of putting that together, I let Oliver out, and he got some baby birds, so while cooking, the old man was yelling at me for not being outside with him.  As though I could do both.  That day didn't get much easier, but in the following days, things got worse.   My parents were treating me like I had to be constantly doing six things for them at all times, without any real break.  At the same time, I was trying to get Squishy through the end of summer, and the first days of school, and try to keep up with all my stores and channels.  To top it off, Rabbit has things going on at home that I was helping maintain, but I wasn't able to completely solve them, and now he's unable to keep up with the maintenance...