A New Devious Chapter

I remember for a long time there was this hunt in the kink space for female bottoms to find the perfect smudgey makeup.  Something that would creep down the face, leaving trails and big black patches when their eyes watered.  It was a huge thing, and I remember seeing people celebrate it when they found just the right products. And then there was me.  Someone who performed on stages, and in direct sunlight, and wanted makeup to stand up to all the sweat, heat, and time.  I've found quite a pile of products over time, and while I have some reliable ones I stick to for years, every once in a while I try something new. This time, I saw a blue liquid eyeliner that claimed to be waterproof.  Knowing how most colored liners are horrible, and disappear quickly, I was curious, but grabbed it. I brought it home, and looked it up, and it claims to be semi-permanent. Not just long-lasting, but semi-permanent.  I have to say, I got a little worried at that.  Worried that this would be

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I have actually still been experimenting and learning things about myself in regards to masturbation.  It's an interesting thing to play with, and see how things work for me. And despite having things surprise me in a lot of ways, I still don't actually get any sort of satisfaction or change in how I feel after masturbating.  It isn't relaxing, or have any real effect on my sex drive.  It just sort of is. However, this particular post, is because I was thinking about how the vibrator I currently have works on me.  It's an inexpensive mini wand, but it's pretty strong, and small enough that I can sort of bludgeon my vulva until I feel something.  However, I notice that if I decide to use it two days in a row, it makes my piercings a bit cranky. I picked up a bullet as an alternative, figuring that I could work around my jewelry, and see if something a little more pinpoint would work for me.  I found one that was just as inexpensive, and everything said it was s

Last year for Christmas, we got Squishy a switch.  The main thing she wanted on it was Just Dance, and honestly, I still play it more often than she does.  The new game just came out, and to help market it, they were releasing new songs on the older games to play. One of the new songs was Lizzo's "Boys".  I had noticed Lizzo being mentioned in headlines and such, but had no idea who she was, or what was so amazing about her music.  I however am not one to turn anything down without giving it a shot, and the preview looked fun, so I gave the song a try. Now, if you haven't heard it before, I highly recommend it.  Go on, give it a listen. Did you go? Ok. This song is fantastic.  It's very modern, but also carefully written.  In many ways, I found the song affirming. It creates an idea that people (most  contextually female) can be sexual without wanting to be an object, but wanting to pursue men.  That women can want sex for themselves, and

While up in the city, Dansa and I went to a memorial for a friend who had passed away just before camp.  I had wanted to go to support the people there, and hear the stories, and share some time learning about a person who I didn't have enough time with. This memorial also happened to be in a leather bar.  We had the upper bar before it opened, and then we would have the upstairs as a cigar lounge afterwards.  So after listening and hugging, and remembering so many things, the bar was actually open, with music playing, and other people being allowed in. And so, as we made our way up to the top floor, I kept hearing Dansa making comments about how wonderful the bar was because of all the topless men, and the gay porn playing on the tvs all around. I was very clearly reminded of the comments she had made about Lux, where she had plainly stated that she wasn't attracted to him until she had a pansexual partner, and then wanted to see them together.  Her fetishization of gay

I've spoken here previously about how little I need from partners.  In general, I need presence, basic respect, and consistency from words to actions. And, well, those are true, but apparently there's more to it than that.  Which of course, because it's me, I had to learn the hard way. I need a little more than just basic consistency.  That's important of course, but I need a bit more assurance than that.  Much like the small gestures of care I often talk about, and how much they mean to me, I need little physical gestures of attention to express affection, care, and desire. It's something that took a lot of self exploration, but I've figured it out. And, honestly, as much as I hate asking for anything, so even acknowledging that as a need is hard, is helpful to me.  I can think back to many times when a partner had shown heavy attention to others, and given me none to balance things out, and feeling hurt and almost abandoned. And I know that this is a

The other day, after plodding along a bit more with my vibrator, I cleaned it up, and plugged it in to charge.  I flopped onto my bed, and giggled a bit. I thought about the time with Thrax where he attempted to use a hitachi on me.  How he just put it near my genitals, and waited about two seconds before shifting it once, and giving up.  He put on an attachment, tried to insert it, and after about five more of it being stationary gave up.  To keep it in mind, he was able to get me off with digital stimulation. Frequently though, he would try to shame me when I would ask for more play.  Turn it into a gaslighting attempt, because he couldn't enjoy his biggest kink with me, claiming it to be forced orgasm.  I would tell him that he could always indulge in this manually, and he would tell me it was too much work, and that he just wanted to be able to strap a toy to my leg and watch. Really, he wanted to avoid work at whatever cost.  Wanted unwarranted submission and obedience

There are many times when I think about the things I've done which I may not enjoy, and wonder about them. Somewhat frequently, I remind Lux that he's in charge, and that something I may not outwardly have interest in, I'm open to trying with him, because I can definitely enjoy something for who I'm doing it with rather than just the action.  It's something he forgets, which I understand, because it's a bit weird. I also think about things and feel more curious about them.  Things I've done which I say I don't enjoy, but wonder if it was just the conditions.   So I think, is this against my hard limits, which I know enough that I do not do well with?  Is this something that I should try to experiment with further?   And lately, the thing I decided to try was vibration.  My previous experience was with Thrax (which I think I'll write about more later) and did not go well, for several reasons.  I decided it was worth a shot to test it ou

I try to be careful with my words, as much as I know I do on occasion misuse them.  I try to let my actions speak for me more often than not, knowing what empty words can do. I also try to time things very carefully.  Or at least stay mindful of when not to say something.  Part of that includes the fact that I try not to say much affectionate right after sex and play.  When brains are high on bonding chemicals, and endorphins are floating around.  I don't want those words to feel like they're only coming from that altered state, but rather that they are created organically, and from built connection. I want words to have the most meaning.  I don't want to take advantage of those compromised states, and while I know I should give words of affirmation more often, I don't want them to be repeated to the point of being empty. The problem with not wanting to say such things after sex and play is however, that Lux and I have a ton of sex.  And those windows in between,

While Lux was here last week, as a strange change of pace we wound up not having sex. I know, let that shock process for a minute. However, with the feeling burnt from everything going on, and some situations that Lux had dealt with recently, I wanted to be sure he had some amount of security from me.  Something settling, and a feeling a safety. That's not to say that I didn't want sex.  While I have some seasonal brainbugs going, I still definitely wanted to bone.  However, I knew that he needed care first, and I'm nowhere near that selfish to not consider what he needed at the time. And honestly, in the scheme of things, his care is simple.  Provide support, be present, show care and concern.  Lux just requires basic affection and patience when it comes down to it, and I think that's what frustrates me with others when it comes down to it. There's always time for sex, or beatings, or whatever I want.  But when he needs something from me, it's never s

While I was with Zero a week and a half ago, Lux was with one of his newer partners.  His second time spending time with her, though they talk fairly frequently.  And unfortunately, for the second time, she caused him harm.  Hurt him in ways that he was messed up for a couple days afterward, and tried to manipulate him in a few ways. Needless to say, finding out about this caused a lot of feelings on my part.  I know I'm overprotective, and this perked up every bit of that.  At the same time, I had concern for him, in a lot of different ways.  I wanted to scoop him up and comfort him.  To take care of him and help him process.  Make sure he felt safe, because sometimes submission means being the strong, steady, and protecting one. For a second I had wished I was there in the moment, before realizing that might not have been the best idea. On one hand I would have been able to see exactly how it went.  Been able to take care of him in the moment, and have a better idea of wh

Just before Christmas, Lux was in Bermuda for the anniversary of planting his father.  While there, some super fancy rum got released on the island, and sold out before he could get to it.  The following weeks were a mess of dealing with a vendor he now hates, and having to file for fraud. Going further back, for a few years, I had thought about making Lux a stocking for Christmas, and filling it with practical things that he didn't yet have, which he'd mentioned wanting, or would work well for him.  Last year, he actually sent me a link to a masculine grooming box, and I told him that there was no reason to order a box when he knew he wouldn't need all of it.  I also told him I had thought about doing that for him, but felt awkward, and he assured me it wasn't a bad idea. So, this year I finally did it.  I hunted down a handful of things for him, and got distracted along the way, which meant getting him some cute fun stuff as well.  This included the argyle socks I

I don't know what started the thought process the other day, but out of nowhere I started thinking about how foreplay has changed in sex throughout my life. When I was a teenager, both before and after I started having sex, there would be times when I would literally see the sun rise with a partner, still just performing what would normally be considered foreplay.  Intercourse didn't seem like the main thing, and wasn't treated like an end all be all. And then I had six years of partners who believed that thirty seconds of foreplay was fine before two minutes of intercourse, but that's besides the point. Now though, I exist in this space where there is a mix.  There are times when foreplay isn't that frenzied teenage madness, but something calm, and actually intimate in a way.  Times when that takes it's time.  And then there are times when there are only a handful of minutes before having sex, a rushed fever of force in comparison. And I'm not sure

A bit over a week ago, the long talk Lux and I wound up having about power exchange was spurned by a question.  I had posed a fantastical situation, which we both had liked, which involved some definite gestures of ownership.  While talking about what I enjoyed about it, I couldn't quite find the right word.  I had defaulted to "hot" with the vibe of the conversation, but immediately caught myself.  While yes, in the moment it would be sexy and stimulating, there are remnants that have far more of an effect on me, which I would find very affirming and fulfilling. And that, was what Lux questioned.  Not being someone who submits in any context of power, he wasn't sure if this was what I had meant as a slave, or something more.  I had to tell him that while it may be fulfilling as a slave, that alone carries over a lot.  He didn't quite understand the concept of it, so I had to expound upon it further with some manner of word spew toward him when I had a few momen

Upon having my IUD replaced, I also got a full round of STD testing, which I was probably rather overdue for, but it was done, and came up as I had expected it to. While talking to Lux about it, and giving him my status, he talked about how he needed to get tested as well, and we talking about shared status, and differences in our own methods. Along with that, I've been thinking a lot about the many differences in our methods and preferences.  Nothing that involves safety mind you, we're both in heavy agreement about all of that, but many other things. Lux in general, makes decisions on his own who he plays with.  When we both know the person, we will sometimes talk about things first, but often, Lux will simply tell me that he plans on playing with someone, or even telling me about it the next day.  On the other hand, because my play is with only very rare exception with people I already know and am friends with, I make sure to check in with Lux about it ahead of time. 

When I started getting my period, many years ago, I had absolutely horrendous cramps.  I remember having to go home from school often and not sleeping for three nights out of the month.  I frequently told my mom, who would claim I needed to go to the doctor, but would never make the appointment, because she didn't want to have to go to the gynecologist herself. Because of her own cowardice, my medical issues were never addressed, and where they likely would have given me some form of hormonal birth control, I had to just deal with it, and not have anything as a backup to condoms. So, when I got pregnant, and everything that came with that (a long story unto itself), I wanted to make sure it didn't happen again.  My doctor wouldn't do a tubal, for stupid stereotypical reasons, and so I went scouring over my options, looking for what would work the best for me.  I knew I wouldn't have a reliable schedule with an infant, and honestly didn't want all that many extra

I will fully admit, that there are some things out there that will make someone completely incompatible for me.  They won't stop me from being friends with a person, but I know myself enough to know that certain traits will kill any chance of attraction happening. Lux and I have a lot of friends in the rope scene, and it's often an awkward thing for him, because he will start to talk to people, and develop some amount of interest, but as soon as he says he doesn't tie, they immediately distance themselves from him for any sort of play or anything.  Despite the fact that they might also be masochists, or enjoy power exchange, or any number of other things, because he doesn't enjoy rope topping, they won't give him the time of day in regards to any play. I've dealt with similar things in a few cases, but not nearly as much as him. A friend of ours, who has voiced having no attraction towards Lux met a boy while at camp recently.  Despite making countless pro

Almost two months ago, I finally did it. In a fit of horny rage, I told Lux I needed to pull the trigger and get a first dildo.  Something I'd said on and off for years, but never did.  The fact that I didn't masturbate at all up until that point just made it fall to the wayside. But I told him, and I asked him if he could pick out and get it for me, since he knew far more about what he was looking at than I did. Well, after throwing a few ideas around, he got one, and brought it to me a few days later. We haven't used it together yet, but I have used it by myself a few times, and I think it's been enough to give me some sort of an idea, at least for a solo thing. So, I have no real desire to cum, no matter how horny I am, or if I'm with a partner. And, unfortunately, that leaves me without much of a goal when I use a dildo.  It doesn't feel bad perse, but I just kind of wonder when to stop.  There's nothing else there to keep me interested, and

I'm back from my first Fusion, and feeling better about it the longer I look at it.  There was good and bad, and the event was very different for both Lux and I just due to how we kept somewhat different schedules with my having classes to manage and all. Lux came in from Austin where he was training for his new job.  He showed up at my doorstep in a suit, and if we didn't have a two hour drive ahead of us, that suit would have been a mess shortly after seeing him. The ride was fairly uneventful, with the exception of us making the same mistake we always do when we make a trip west.  We will inevitably do the same thing in a month come Pennsic. Getting there, I got a very similar feeling to Pennsic, but on a much smaller scale.  It felt comfortable, and despite everything, I had no problem walking around Fusion by myself at night. Thursday Lux met Pyre for the first time, and I met a bunch of the fire team.  While awkward at first, they let me open up by the end of the

Lux asked me a couple weeks ago if I wanted to accompany him to a wedding he was in last weekend.  It happened to be a weekend that I was without a Squishy, so I said I would be his plus one, and we could spend some time together before Fusion.  Well, after a week of trying to figure out details, Lux made his way down after the rehearsal.  We had joked a day or two before that whenever we spend time together, we need to do prep work.  Drinking extra water, stretching, cardio, all an amusing number of things to need to do knowing our own marathon habits. Well, the entire weekend was busy.  The wedding went smoothly, with the exception of Lux's suit exploding on the dance floor.  He kept said that it fit poorly, and then tried to squat while dancing, and poof.  We thought about trying to get through dinner, but that wasn't going to happen.  Just as food was being brought out, we went back to the hotel, where Lux did a full squat, just for the full range of pants explosion, be