A New Devious Chapter

 We're getting through the holidays as of this going live.  We've managed past Rosh Hashanah, and getting through Yom Kippur, which my family usually doesn't observe.  This year though, it seems especially appropriate. There was a lot of wiping things away this year.  Removing people, changing priorities, and sorting out my own life.   I think spending so time in contemplation of that, and everything that needs to be left behind is healthy, and a good use of this time of year, before we gear up for everything happening in the winter months.  How I want to change, what I want to keep up with, and what I need to put down and push away. And there is a lot that I plan to pick up.  A lot that might be changing soon, and some things that are going to be very different for me. But this year deserves to have a lot wiped away.  A lot of bad, and a lot of things that I let slide that I should never have.  And so this coming year I want to focus more on acknowledging what I want and n

 After my birthday, I spoke about how doomed I am in regards to Rabbit's parents.  How after bringing babka over, I was told that it there needed to be a break before I could make it again, but that anything I did make needed to have a little bit brought over to their house. So during my last visit, I brought with me some crumb cake that I had made a while back but was living in the freezer.  I also made challah on one of my first days there, but took my normal recipe and turned it into more smaller loaves.  I figured that this way they would be a little less upset about the amount of anything I brought over. Well, while making the challah, I mentioned to Rabbit that the dough wasn't quite working the way it normally does, and that I was worried.  The loaves baked up beautifully though, and while I let them sit and cool, I eventually cut the end off of one to test it.  Apparently, whatever I had done, I need to do in the future, because it was my softest challah yet, and I just

 Amidst cutting ties from Puppy, there were a few final times that I had to talk with him.  One was to get back some books I had lent him.  My response to this was just to buy new copies, and if he wants the book I have of his, he can ask for it.  The other was removing myself from the D&D campaign I had been playing with him. We had started the game back in January, and for the most part only played one session a month.  I was the only player at the table that had played with someone other than him, which meant I was the only vet at a table full of noobs, and that's fine sometimes, but not when everyone is afraid to actually roleplay.  And, honestly, I just didn't want to deal with him anymore.  Trying to have conversations with him had turned entirely infuriating, and with how Puppy ran the games, he couldn't keep track of anything he'd told us, and was changing details constantly for whatever he wanted in the moment.  To top it off, so many of our sessions had en

 So, Rabbit has been in the process of some major life changes lately, which included people no longer being around.  I appeared again around the same time, and so there have been a lot of jokes, as we've gone from a few messages, to talking once in a while, to spending time together every week and talking every day.  People at his work joked that I was his boyfriend, and a bunch of his VR league team joked that I'm his rebound, and we just laugh and agree to all of it. But the best part has been with his parents, and how I now need to tiptoe a line. When I started being around, they were very stern about wanting him to take his time, and not date anyone for a while.  Then they were reminded that I'm also Jewish (his adoptive parents are Israeli), and went full stereotype of "Loki's a nice Jewish girl..." because they don't know my gender, and it's been hilarious more often than not. On his birthday I got the impromptu test of being asked if I celebrat

About a month and a half ago my parents got an estimate for a new front porch.  Our old one was starting to fall away from the house, and before we could have a new roof put on, that needed to be fixed.  My mother called one person, got a price, and hired him. He started working, and almost immediately the old man was furious about his work.  He threw a massive screaming fit that had us thinking he was just being difficult, and so later that day my mother and I got out of the house in order to have a bit of a break from him.  I then found out that my mother hadn't looked up the guy, nor asked for addresses to see examples of his work in the area.  I went to look him up, and couldn't find anything under his business, or anything that would put him in a more positive light. Later that week, when the guy was done for the day, the old man came in and said that absolutely everything was wrong.  He was afraid to speak up because he didn't want to be the bad guy again, but my moth

 Last weekend was something that left me sunburnt, and concerned in some ways, but feeling happy in others. Puppy came out for another weekend, which we had planned for a while, in order to go to the new renn faire that started in New York.  First though, we had a bit of time since he drove out early to avoid shore traffic.  We watched a live action adaptation for an anime that we've been digging into, and found yet another movie to get to. The faire was fun, but a long drive away.  I'm looking forward to seeing how it evolves over time as it gains more traction and notice, because right now it's a little small, as people don't want to risk an eight week contract on a gamble.  On the ride home, there was a lot of problematic people on the road, and we were both about hangry, and it was not great. However, while trying to make up plans, backups, and backups for backups, I eventually got us a solid idea for dinner.  I asked him if he wanted to try somewhere for Indian, wh

 Recently, I found a random post that I needed to keep open for a little while to just appreciate.  It was something that spoke about all the different types of intimacy, by listing all the little things that happen that do in fact count. And it made me happy, because as I navigate the possibility of not experiencing romance, seeing the various forms of connection and intimacy is incredibly important.  I've always held more appreciation for random smaller gestures, and how that builds relationships.   I remember while with the gnome, whenever he would try to have sex, he would claim he was trying to be intimate and romantic.  That was all that his idea was, and I think that's the norm.  That unless it's people doing things physically naked, it doesn't count. But intimacy exists in little moments.  In remembering little details about a person, or sharing stories.  Making your favorite recipes, or watching movies.  It exists when we sing poorly together, and hold hands, o

 There are some things, that I don't necessarily blame on being Agender, but might in part be a biproduct.  And some of those things are hard more often than not. Being AFAB means I means that people make assumptions and have expectations about any male friends I have.  Likewise, being far more masculine for as long as I can remember, means that I've had mostly guys as friends for as long as I can remember.  Possibly as an advantage of being AFAB, I've managed to make a lot of those friendships more intimate than would be expected from two cis-men, feeling more comfortable with sharing and providing support. It's been a wonderful thing in my life that I'm grateful for, getting to have those unique connections that many people never benefit from. But like all things, there's a balance.  In return, I wind up being something that a lot of women are threatened by.  Like people don't deserve more than one intimate relationship, even if it's platonic, and in n

 It's been a year since I wrote that letter to Kitty.  A year to process losing one of the few people in my life that I've ever called my best friend.  Losing someone who was a rock of mine for so long, and seeing him disappear.  And that was the hardest part of it in many ways.  There wasn't something where we grew apart while having contact.  There was just that disappearance on his end (on top of other things) that made it so hard. And with having dealt with that for so long, as well as the silence after the letter (as I still haven't heard a word from him since Oct2020) it's apparently left its own obstacles for me. While I'm still incredibly patient with the important people in my life, and don't need a lot in the scale of things, I'm learning that little reassurances mean a lot.  Especially for the people I don't get to share space with often, little things like sending a link or a gif can be entirely comforting.  Sometimes though, I do still j

 Recently, there was a night where Puppy couldn't get to sleep, and it wasn't yet my normal bed time, so we were chatting.  We were talking about a handful of things from when we were young, and I was explaining about how it has affected how I view people in my life now, because of the poor examples and situations I had growing up.   As a response, rather than saying he's grateful that I've learned to put so much care into people who are decent to me now, or that I've figured out how to navigate things in a healthier way than I'd been taught by my family, he made a comment that had me go off on him a little.  He just said that he was hoping that while he and I have a friendship, he manages to put more of his optimism into my life, because he thinks I deserve.  And he's often commented about how I should just find something to be happy about because he doesn't like me being upset, on several occasions before this. Which put me solidly in the camp that I c

 For as busy as I was trying to get ahead of things in February, I managed to get through just about all the goals I gave myself.  Even with everything my parents threw on me, I paced myself through everything, and got almost my entire list accomplished, with the exception of my second blog, due to Skynet's ridiculous action. It was incredibly satisfying to realize that I either managed through the goals I set, or made well enough progress that it either kept up with timelines, or would allow me to not feel overwhelmed next month.  It was a fairly substantial list, and while I was constantly hopping from one thing to another, I was able to make sure I also gave myself some time in the evenings, or even some weekends to breathe and have space. However, February is truly a catch up month.  There's no ton of birthdays or travel that I ever plan, so I can pile things on, and know I have most days available as standard routine.  This month changes that, with the return of birthdays

A couple weeks ago, Puppy came to spend a weekend here.  I suggested he stay here because of some changes to his living situation, that might make some of what we had planned a little more difficult.  It also gave us a chance to do more things around here, because he's rather clueless to the area since moving away, as both his parents don't really have interest in going to do things. What we did have planned though, was starting the D&D campaign he's running.  I  still feel a bit awkward being part of the game, because the rest of the players are all his brothers and their spouses.  I'm also the person with the most experience, so it's a bit of a process to make sure I'm not just taking over anything going on. It's also the first time seeing Puppy since really mentally processing not having feels for him.  I'm sort of trying to guide things so he understands where I'm at without being so blunt it fucks him up.  It's also a process to navigate

 In the midst of everything that I'm juggling (which had more piled onto it) I had a day of a ton of running around recently.  Picking up things for my mother demanding my time, as well as some grocery store stops to get stocked back up on many things.  While out, we decided to get lunch, which had a silly moment where I thought I wouldn't get what I'd ordered, then wound up getting it with extras. On the way from lunch to the next store however, I had something click in my head.  Something that finally made sense after contributing to the anxiety I've been dealing with for the last month.  I don't have feels for Puppy.  I want to keep him around as a friend, but there's more pressure from many angles that I should have feels for him that made me so anxious.  He's not so gently pushing for me to say we have a serious relationship, and other people are waiting for me to say there's something official.  Not to mention that I don't think he's in a s

 The beginning of this year was tough for me.  I made sure to be fairly ahead on everything coming into the holidays, but only had a small buffer as we rolled into the new year.  That meant having to work with everything I have my hands in to ensure I could keep the space I prefer to.  It lead to me feeling very overwhelmed and anxious about everything I was doing, and everything new that I wanted to take on in the coming year, especially when also juggling the mental aspects of what has been going on. It's difficult sometimes, knowing that once I do get ahead, I will have the time for everything I want to do, including all the projects I intend to take on.  And I know I try to keep a larger buffer for everything than most people, considering I've been trying to have things finished through all of winter by the end of this month.  But getting there when I had used up all my previous work is tough, and I don't want to be constantly trying to keep everything afloat and barely

 A few years ago, I tried to do some things that I'd previously only had poor experiences with.  To reframe them under more positive circumstances, and give myself the chance to change my mind clearly. And with the things that have happened in the last year, I think I'm due for another year of that again.  To ignore my past experiences, because of the way that would sway my feelings.  That might be a big part of it honestly.  I need to let myself feel again, in regards to a lot of things.  More often than not, I pride myself on being as logical as I am, but it's hit a point where it becomes a deterrent.   There have been so many times lately where I have used logic to not even let myself try something, or force a wall into place, so I only feel in a small little safe range, which is beneficial for no one.  I cut myself off from learning and exploring, or cause myself anxiety in the process.   I need to remember to let emotion and logic work alongside each other, to try old

 Sure, we may be past the new year, but the holidays aren't quite done yet, like every year for me.   This year got an extra bonus though, with so many people acting like the pandemic is over, I felt like multiple times a day the week before Christmas I saw friends announcing they were covid positive.  Two days before Christmas, my sister told us she was exposed, and we had to tell her multiple times that she wasn't to come over on Christmas day, and we would deliver her food and gifts.  On the same day, the gnome's family tested positive, and so he couldn't take her for her break.  I had already made plans with Puppy, so last minute I needed to shift things around and ask my parents to spend the time with her.  Honestly, this wound up making everyone happy, so somehow it worked out for the better. Christmas wound up quiet, and about like normal.  Puppy showed up a little early, and that let us wind up back in Philly that evening, to have the longest window of time we&#

 Coming into this year, I'm trying to be realistic about a lot of things.  I want to do more, don't get me wrong, but I also want to be aware of the state of the world and what can be done safely. Most importantly, I want to work on the things I can control, and that's me. I want to hold myself accountable for things, in a way that builds positivity, and doesn't feel like something that will sink into guilt over time. Likewise, I want to do more of the things that I know will benefit me in the long run.  Seeing people, making space for others, forming connections, and loving freely, and maybe not entirely logically all the time. I'm creating a project to help myself learn to be more body-neutral, and maybe by the end of the year body-positive.  I want to force myself to take a selfie every day, for at least this month, and at least one a week has to be some form of nude.  I want to play with creativity, so I'm not taking the same photo every time.  I want at lea

 The last two weeks have been an absolute whirlwind, on all fronts. Squishy has been getting dental work done while with the gnome, and not only was it causing her to lose days of school, but the orthodontist has been doing things to her that make zero sense, and even less when I actually go to look up more about the process.  Because the gnome is sucked into having some manner of procedure done on himself, he's been avoiding talking to me so I can tell him to take her to just remove everything and be done. On top of that, we had two major holidays in two weeks.  Thanksgiving was simple, and fairly quiet, but with that start a week of complete madness.  The following days meant prepping for Channukah, putting up the Christmas decorations, getting gifts wrapped, the cookiepocalypse, cookie boxes, and a hundred other things.  I've been responsible for the vast majority of it, with Squishy only being more difficult every day, my father screaming at everyone constantly in an openly

 While normally I would use this week to talk about all the things I'm grateful for over the course of the year, I had an entertaining conversation that made me realize something a couple of weeks back that fits here instead. One of those things I should have realized was a sign towards my gender was that most of my friends were guys growing up.  Once I hit about nine years old, the balance slowly shifted from having an all female friend group, to only having one or two friends who were girls, and all the rest were boys.  Likewise, as I got older, and went and did more, I wound up forming friendships with guys who were older. And yes, my parents went through the overly paranoid phase of thinking they would all take advantage of me, or use me for ulterior motives within a month or so of being friends.  That they were all going to hurt me, and were dangerous, and weren't actually friends.  But then they stuck around.  Not only that, but I took a role of being the guiding voice of

 Normally this week, I would want to try to spend time with Lux, and I do, but with him dealing with some things, he didn't have the spoons to have me there for a week and take care of planning and such.  Not wanting to lose out on seeing someone during Halloween weekend, I wanted to still do something.  Puppy asked about my availability in the next few weeks, so we decided to spend the last weekend together, because we both needed some calm hangout time with things going on, or things that will happen. So on a rainy night, we made the trek back out to Philly again.  We had no real plans, just that we wanted to have some drinks, he had school work to do, and we would relax together. He asked if I wanted to go do anything for Halloween, and I told him that I still wasn't comfortable with big gatherings yet, especially out where people would potentially be unmasked.  Top that with the number of accidents we saw on our way back from grabbing bagels, and we were quite happy staying