A New Devious Chapter

 I was sitting in another room one morning in the beginning of the month, having my coffee, and getting myself sorted for the day.  There wasn't anything on in the room I was in, so I could hear everything else going on in the house, and noticed my father mention my mom getting cards for Valentine's Day.  She said she only got a card for him, and didn't get anything for anyone else this year. And then it started.  He was suddenly super concerned over who was going to get me something this year, asking if it would be Lux.  My mother, in the most condescending tone, commented that he's never gotten me anything for Valentine's ever.  My father was surprised, then asked if Puppy would get me anything.  She said that I wasn't dating Puppy, and they started on about how he seems like he's trying. Then it turned into them saying that he's already done more for me than Lux ever has, and started a huge shitfest on saying that I'm being strung along, and just

 As one would imagine, and with what I've mentioned, I have a lot that I'm juggling to get prepared, or to get caught up on how I prefer to be.  With all of it, I picked up a new planner, that way I can keep track of everything I want to do each month, and week, while making notes on what gets done every day.  I'm managing to keep up, and even get ahead on things conceptually, but it's still a lot. And unfortunately, because my parents don't see me as people, my mother has piled a handful of additional things onto me.  Little dumb things she's demanding I prioritize, due to her dismissing anything I might actually be doing with my time.  Yet more things to juggle into the mix. As if that wasn't enough, the other day she said she wanted to make bread, and asked me to pull down the bread machine.  I asked her about the yeast we have, because I bought it for her at the beginning of the pandemic.  We still had a ton, because I bought a full pound of yeast, so I

 Sure, we may be past the new year, but the holidays aren't quite done yet, like every year for me.   This year got an extra bonus though, with so many people acting like the pandemic is over, I felt like multiple times a day the week before Christmas I saw friends announcing they were covid positive.  Two days before Christmas, my sister told us she was exposed, and we had to tell her multiple times that she wasn't to come over on Christmas day, and we would deliver her food and gifts.  On the same day, the gnome's family tested positive, and so he couldn't take her for her break.  I had already made plans with Puppy, so last minute I needed to shift things around and ask my parents to spend the time with her.  Honestly, this wound up making everyone happy, so somehow it worked out for the better. Christmas wound up quiet, and about like normal.  Puppy showed up a little early, and that let us wind up back in Philly that evening, to have the longest window of time we&#

 The last two weeks have been an absolute whirlwind, on all fronts. Squishy has been getting dental work done while with the gnome, and not only was it causing her to lose days of school, but the orthodontist has been doing things to her that make zero sense, and even less when I actually go to look up more about the process.  Because the gnome is sucked into having some manner of procedure done on himself, he's been avoiding talking to me so I can tell him to take her to just remove everything and be done. On top of that, we had two major holidays in two weeks.  Thanksgiving was simple, and fairly quiet, but with that start a week of complete madness.  The following days meant prepping for Channukah, putting up the Christmas decorations, getting gifts wrapped, the cookiepocalypse, cookie boxes, and a hundred other things.  I've been responsible for the vast majority of it, with Squishy only being more difficult every day, my father screaming at everyone constantly in an openly

 While normally I would use this week to talk about all the things I'm grateful for over the course of the year, I had an entertaining conversation that made me realize something a couple of weeks back that fits here instead. One of those things I should have realized was a sign towards my gender was that most of my friends were guys growing up.  Once I hit about nine years old, the balance slowly shifted from having an all female friend group, to only having one or two friends who were girls, and all the rest were boys.  Likewise, as I got older, and went and did more, I wound up forming friendships with guys who were older. And yes, my parents went through the overly paranoid phase of thinking they would all take advantage of me, or use me for ulterior motives within a month or so of being friends.  That they were all going to hurt me, and were dangerous, and weren't actually friends.  But then they stuck around.  Not only that, but I took a role of being the guiding voice of

 For the first time here, I am gonna be writing about some spoilers. Last summer, I picked up watching Lucifer.  At the recommendation of Kitty, I dove in, and found it entertaining.  At that point, I was only able to watch up to the first half of season five, but looked forward to seeing the other half, and then the final season, wondering how it would be tied up. And recently, the final season did drop.  It took me a bit, but I finally got to it, watching it over the course of a week or so.  There were some incredibly vital themes to it that I loved, including covering things like systemic racism, racial profiling, police brutality, and corruption. However, the main theme of the season left me feeling many things. Lucifer's daughter from the future apparently gets so angry with him that she travels back in time.  She confronts him, ready to kill him, but instead gives him a chance, telling him that he abandons her for her entire life.  Over the course of the season, while claimin

 I'm fried. Since coming home from my trip to see Lux, only a couple of days after I got home, I've had more and more piled onto me that's put my stress levels through the roof.  Squishy has been behaving similarly to last summer, with some even worse things happening, and the gnome is just now realizing what she was doing, reacting poorly toward her which is making things worse, and now minimizing what I dealt with because he had to deal with a whole week at a shot of her being difficult. My parents have been horrendous lately.  I've been trying to manage things happening, and reminding my mother of dates and things that need to be done, and she's either not giving an answer to things until the last minute (then getting upset when someone can't make it to something), or completely ignoring time and what is happening when.  It's made harder because where I can take things on to help, and have generally done so, I need this information from her in order to kn

 As soon as Squishy left for her first span of time with the gnome this summer, the old man had a massive blowup towards me.  I never even said a full sentence to him, and tried to be calm, and he wound up screaming so that the room shook, saying things with a clearly malicious intent.  Without going into much more detail about it, the situation was bad enough that while I was in tears outside, afraid to go into my own home, Oliver was pacing in front of me watching the door to the house guarding me. Later that night, after I had informed my mom what happened, he came into my room and said he was sorry.  While shrugging, he just said "We were exchanging words and it got heated". I had nothing to say on the matter.  I couldn't tell him it was alright, or anything like that, because it wasn't.  His actions are constantly in line with that behavior, and only escalating.  Not only that, but what he had said just showed that he wasn't even aware of what had happened. 

 As of last weekend, my covid vaccine is cooked and in effect.  I'm now feeling ready to go and do some more things that haven't been safe for the last year plus, while still being careful to protect everyone else.  I'm looking forward to soon seeing some people I've missed, and having more options in front of me to be able to hug friends again. I'm looking forward to finding out when Squishy will be able to get her vaccine, and we are both hoping she'll be able to get at least one shot before the next school year begins.  She's been feeling a little disappointed about not being able to get vaccinated herself, which I appreciate.  While my parents may not take any of this seriously, even still, she finally has been on quite a few things, which is good. Likewise, with my father being in the hospital, he was told that he wasn't in good enough shape to get the vaccine right away.  This week he is supposed to meet with his doctor, and he'll find out if h

 I had a moment on the way to my vaccine appointment that should have been telling of what would happen in the days after.  Time that showed me exactly why I feel the way I do about my parents. While sitting in the car, she's telling me about some of her customers from that morning, and earlier in the week.  At one point she tries to make something sound like a scandal, as she tells me about one woman, whose daughter at fourteen said that she had a boyfriend and wanted to go onto birth control.  I think she expected me to be aghast, and beside myself in disgust, but I was rather unaffected. I told her that it was a good thing that she felt comfortable going to her mother to ask for birth control.  Mentioned that she may not actually be doing anything yet, but that it could be very responsible of her to want to go onto something now, rather than once she's already having sex.   I also mentioned that she may have other reasons for asking, and reminded her about how I asked her to

 This was supposed to be a happy post that came out last week.  Writing about being excited, doing something important, and getting to do things that would help bring back some sense of normalcy. But, y'know, with my family we couldn't possibly have that. On March 23rd I managed to get myself an appointment for the covid vaccine.  Not the easiest feat where I am, but got one near my home, and after booking mine, actually managed to book one for a nearby time for my mother.  Half the house starting to get vaccinated, all in one swoop.  Squishy was practically vibrating from happiness, and I was elated.  Honestly, just having an appointment hit me incredibly hard. And even though I spent a month trying to get an appointment, showing excitement and relief from the chance at finally getting my vaccine, my mother was acting like this was an annoyance.  Like a horrible obligation that she didn't want to deal with, when she works with the public on a daily basis.  Her lack of care

 My parents unfortunately, despite their ignorant claims, still aren't really taking things seriously with the pandemic that it still going on.  While I am keeping tabs on numbers, and trying to be careful as often as I can, it also means having to yell at my mom not to just behave as though life is normal. And I hope that recently, we got a scare that will make at least her be more responsible. Two days after the birthday weekend, we got a call from my brother.  He had found out that his boss's father, who just hangs out in the shop all the time, came in while exhibiting symptoms over the weekend, and discovered that he was covid positive.  My brother had gotten a test, and wouldn't know his own status for a few days.  Which meant we had to stay in, alert the other people who were here to do the same, and prepare for the possibility that we may have gotten covid. Luckily, my brother's test came back negative which meant that either we weren't exposed, or if he test

 January meant all the birthdays, and the end of the holidays here.  Being at the end of that chunk of time takes a good amount of weight off of me, because I no longer have to juggle anywhere near as much.  But while I was making sure every holiday happened as smoothly as possible with my mother forgetting everything constantly, my brother only made it to Channukah and his own birthday. So on Squishy's birthday, he was here and finally got handed his Christmas gifts, and everything from his stocking.  He was going through it, happy with all of it, until he pulled a chapstick out of the bag.  My mom had picked up a big pack of them, all different candy flavors, and so rather than dump a dozen chapsticks into Squishy's stocking, I divvied them out among everyone, making sure each stocking got a flavor that person would like.  As far as I was concerned, a lip balm is something everyone can use, especially through winter when everything dries out. And as he pulled out that Tootsie

 I'm writing this because although I knew I had to write earlier, I was a bit compromised. Friday, my father started a conversation with me.  He asked me something, and because he directly asked me, I couldn't just ignore things and stay quiet in order to not deal with what I knew would be the response.  So I let the conversation move.  And it turned into me trying to explain BLM, white privilege, inherent racism, and a myriad of other things. On his side, it started with him telling me that because I didn't like Trump, I was the same as people who said they would kill a puppy to get him out of office.  Then moved onto him saying that cops should follow me around places because I look different so I don't belong anywhere.  He then in response to me explaining to him that I deal with things he wouldn't, due to my gender and appearance, said with every bit of condescension you could imagine "I'm sorry, I didn't know you were so oppressed", and later

 As of writing this we're still waiting out the election.  Watching maps and percentages change a fraction of a percent, seeing gaps close, and wondering when numbers will be called. At the same time, I'm listening to my father.  Someone who all year has talked about how the pandemic is made up, and a hoax created by the democrats to sway the election.  He talks about how the protests through the country were destroying everything, and that those people deserved to be shot with live ammo because they were rioting.  That if "they weren't doing anything illegal, they wouldn't get shot". And as he spews hypocrisy constantly while this election occurs, I watch my mother send so many mixed messages to whoever she's around, and I never know when she's lying, or if she thinks she can constantly play both sides of the coin in what she believes.   I stay quiet around my father.  I don't think I've ever been able to have a conversation without him yellin

While this wasn't the easy, joyous trip I may have wanted, there was still a lot of good from it.  Time with the people I care about, trying to build and rebuild connection.  Time to be silly, and get things done.  Trying new things, and helping make experiences. And that means that coming home, without the knowledge of when I'll see any of them again, came with some drop.  Which meant a couple of days of feeling like I just couldn't get into routine again.  Didn't want to do the things I knew I should, and forcing myself, only because I knew it would mean I would be swamped if I didn't. Along with that, we're trying to get Squishy ready for school again, and she isn't doing the best with things.  It's creating even more stress and anxiety for me, which compounds with drop.  To top it off, my parents went right back to abusive gaslighting tactics with me, and within 48 hours of being home, threatened to kick me out. I'm trying to get back to

After returning home from my last trip to see Kitty, in the middle of drop I noticed my brain wandering a few different things.  It started with how my parents, and my siblings think of the pandemic.  Legitimately thinking it's some sort of political hoax, and while following the rules they absolutely have to, thinking it's all one giant lie.  That near the election everything will magically clear up in some attempt to sway the votes. Yea, I know. I thought about the bubble I've made with my polycule.  How even though I am staying home between visits to track if any symptoms arise in the house, and not adding extra sources of exposure, I'm still traveling to another state to see the people I have made a bubble with. And that risk is constantly calculated.  Every time I decide to have a visit, it is in a mindset of making sure it's done in a way to keep others safe.  Yet, I woke up one morning feeling guilty.  Guilty that I was just as bad as my relatives w

While I was riding on those fumes after getting the news about Felix, I was grasping just to get through the day.  I went to shower before getting ready for bed, and while there, standing under the water with nothing other than my own thoughts, my brain went spinning.  And for some reason, it decided to focus on why out of everything else, I'm not really into a lot of verbal degradation.  It wasn't hard for me to figure out.  I get verbally and emotionally abused almost every day, by people who are supposed to care about me.  For as long as I can remember, and even in front of my child, I've been called everything in the book, over and again, without the option to say anything in return. I remember when I first explained how I'm treated to Kitty, and he looked at me while he was only 22 or so, and said that he was amazed I wasn't an addict.  That I wasn't taking drugs to try and get through the day with what they put me through.  And then top that off with y

The week of Christmas was difficult here.  I had to deal with toxic people being toxic, and other people not paying any attention to anything going on.  I had to deal with people saying one thing and doing another.  I had to deal with things in the air, amongst everything else. And while Christmas itself was fairly quiet, everyone seemed to be in a bit of a poor mood.  I went to bed early that night, tired, and figuring an extra hour of sleep would fix everything.  As you can guess, it didn't.  I spent the night dealing with tons of physical symptoms of stress and anxiety.  Everything catching up that day, and keeping me from sleep.  The day after the holiday, I had to enlist Squishy to help take care of me and make sure I was ok because I was so exhausted. When I explained the symptoms I had dealt with to my mom, she of course asked how I could possibly have any stress, because the holiday was over.  I pointed out that I have had to deal with my father and the gnome who ha

I think every parent hopes that their child feels safe talking to them.  I know one of the biggest things that gets considered when I teach Squishy about anything is that in the future, she'll be comfortable talking to me about important things.  At the same time, I've been the one to teach her about all manner of actual life topics, which she wouldn't learn about anywhere else. And before I go further, I'm going to mention that I did get her consent before writing this. A couple weeks ago, I am at the bus stop to get Squishy after school, and she runs off the bus and yells something at me that I don't quite get.  I ask her to repeat herself while we walk home, and she says that she likes a girl and thinks she might be gay.  I mention her liking boys, and she says that she does, and that in this case she might be bi.  It's all just sort of matter of fact how she says it with me.  No hesitation, and far easier for her to tell me than on occasions when she had