A New Devious Chapter

 The last couple of weeks have had a huge downturn in my mental state.  Both the situations with Squishy, and some other smaller things have caused my mood, motivation, and mental health to be on a continuous downward slope. It's caused me to not be able to get everything done that I've wanted to during the day, which of course makes me feel worse.   I'm trying to make myself tackle things in bite sized amounts.  Any progress is still progress, and so long as I'm managing through each thing on my daily list, it means things are being accomplished. As much as I can, I'm trying to enforce self care.  I'm trying to get back to working out regularly.  I'm trying to eat healthier things, and doing loose calorie tracking, just to get an idea of how it affects me.  Just getting back to working out more often though, has managed to create a bit of an upturn, that I always forget happens.  Even during the start of my cycle, which normally results in me feeling lazy,

Last week, Zero checked in to see how I was doing with the lockdown.  We caught up a bit, made sure we were both ok, and then he asked if I had any free time for artwork.  Being between projects, I told him that I could potentially take something else on.  There were no other details yet. He then said that the deadline would ideally be a week later, but could be something for next year, because it was for his friend's birthday. And proceeded to tell me he wanted a full deck of many things from D&D, with all JoJo's Bizarre Adventure art.  That's 25 fully drawn and colored custom pieces of fanart, to a specific size, that would then need to be printed on a one off service. He just talked about it like it was a casual request.  Like I would be happy to put aside anywhere from 100-200 hours for something that would be a birthday present for someone else, like asking someone to pick up milk when they visit. You know what would have made me less angry about this, is a

Leading up to Pax, I tried to keep things tied up well enough that I didn't feel like I was overwhelmed with things I should be doing instead of having fun.  It's a fairly normal thing for me, to have things I wait to start on, or time things out so I have a window of very little left in progress when I am traveling. I knew that when I got back, it would be back to drawing for me again.  I had taken a couple of months off from drawing for books to keep myself from burning out, and so it gave me a good chunk of time to work on other things.  And I have, in many ways. I knew coming back, I would have a good many things to do, and plenty to keep me busy, but things have turned in a way that have me looking at a mountain of things to do. In the first two days alone of being back, I was reminded that I have a ton of baking to do, was asked to do sewing, and asked to make a pattern for a project I would have to paint soon after. Put that on top of my own constant projects, an

I remember for a long time there was this hunt in the kink space for female bottoms to find the perfect smudgey makeup.  Something that would creep down the face, leaving trails and big black patches when their eyes watered.  It was a huge thing, and I remember seeing people celebrate it when they found just the right products. And then there was me.  Someone who performed on stages, and in direct sunlight, and wanted makeup to stand up to all the sweat, heat, and time.  I've found quite a pile of products over time, and while I have some reliable ones I stick to for years, every once in a while I try something new. This time, I saw a blue liquid eyeliner that claimed to be waterproof.  Knowing how most colored liners are horrible, and disappear quickly, I was curious, but grabbed it. I brought it home, and looked it up, and it claims to be semi-permanent. Not just long-lasting, but semi-permanent.  I have to say, I got a little worried at that.  Worried that this would be

Last year, I had mentioned wanting to start vlogging or making a podcast, or something of that nature. And I tried to get things together in a way that it would work. Really, I did. However, that wasn't going to happen.  Not in the situation that I'm in.  So, it got put down, but continued creeping along through my head.  I wanted to share, and teach, and explore. I've also noticed while looking around, that most people that do sex and kink education wind up making short videos.  If platforms aren't going to be accepting of the content, then you don't need to worry about making the content with details they will push, and get to just be direct and to the point. And I think that's what I want.  I'm going to make that tweak, and try to start making shorter videos teaching things that might not be covered elsewhere, or with a different perspective. I'm tired of having to put things down because of the shit life pushes at me.  Maybe, I just nee

I notice more and more, especially over the last few years, that in kink, many people have turned their vanilla hobbies, or their space in the scene into some sort of hustle, or business.  This idea that if you build anything, you should start making toys or jewelry to sell.  To make kink themed things and start a store.  That if you tie you need to also do photography or performances.  That our time in kink becomes a commodity instead of something that brings us joy. And yes, this does create the potential for people to start paying the bills on their own (but more on potential some other time) and it can sometimes result in fantastically talented people sharing talents.  Even I teach, but not out of wanting to make money, but because I have always enjoyed teaching, since I was in grade school. I understand the people who want to simply make enough to support their space in the scene.  Selling a handful of toys to pay for an intensive, or performing for entrance to an event. 

Last year, I hit the point where I was juggling enough things that I felt like I needed to get a planner.  I wanted a physical book that I could carry with me, and put notes into, or check things easily as opposed to having to sort through apps not only to find what I want, but something that's convenient. I looked through as many planners as I could, and wound up having to settle on something that didn't have everything that I wanted, but was fairly close. That planner is almost done, and I haven't been the happiest with it.  Because I still have time, rather than going hunting forever, I realized I can just make and publish it myself.  I can make it exactly how I want it to be, and maybe make some extra money in the process. And I find it amusing, that so many people try to talk about how others will look at something, and just say they could make it themselves.  That it becomes a case of how while they could, they won't.  Yet I think about something, and not on

One of the biggest things I've noticed with how I've been feeling, is how active my dysmorphia is.  How little I want people to see me, and how that feeling of panic over having someone take my picture has returned. I had it to a point where it wasn't terrible for a while, but in the last year or so, it's gotten bad that even having people see me in public makes me anxious, not for how I dress or my hair or anything, but for my body itself. And, I can't live like that.  I try to keep my dysmorphia from actually stopping me doing anything, but the anxiety is still there, and no one can survive with that. So long story short, Lux did way too much for me, and now I have a far better way to take photos.  With this, I've decided that I need to not only take more photos of myself, but try to take interesting ones, and post more online. And I've been doing so. It's hard.  Like, really hard. Taking pictures of myself isn't the worst, but I get ni

There was a good amount of traveling over the summer, which inspired a lot of writing, and kept everyday life off of this blog for a bit. Welp, we've had a lot of everyday life going on, and a bit less adventure, so it's time for a general update. Squishy has started a new school, which starts an hour earlier than her old one.  It means a change in morning routine for she and I, and it's been going fairly well, but is still not the easiest yet.  Overall, she's enjoying the new school, and getting to meet new kids, which is great news. I am rebuilding a project I had made for Dansa earlier this year.  It didn't fit as intended, so I tore half of it apart, and I'm fixing it to fit differently with the rest of the yarn she had given me a while back.  Hopefully I have enough yarn with the changes. My parents are going out of town to visit a friend next weekend, which means a bit of a mess while I keep reminding them of everything to do in the short amount of

Recently I was finishing up yet another larger crochet piece.  I thought about how often I joke that all of my art and creativity is based in masochism.  Most people agree with me. And I think about how self harm exists as a way to express pain, anguish, depression.  A poorly focused attempt to find relief and catharsis.  We try to stop people from doing this, villifying it and making it something people should simply put down. Honestly, I've tried self harm exactly once.  I cut myself on the leg, and looked at the blood on my leg.  I stared at it for a moment before asking myself why people did that, because it had absolutely no effect on me.  Never tried it again. At the same time, we take pride in masochists who use pain as a way to process.  We appreciate them, and encourage bottoms who will play with the intention of processing the things that happen in their lives. And yes, that's a bit backwards in many ways, that we celebrate one direction, but try to remove the

The ride home from Lux was far more smooth than the ride up to his place.  I think the world needed to give me that difficult one so I can appreciate the smoother trips.  The train was calm and quiet, and I got in a bit early, with plenty of time to head from one station to another, so I could catch the next bus home.  A bus that was late showed up a few minutes once I got to my gate, which meant I could catch one about twenty minutes earlier than planned.  It would however, be packed full. Having dealt with much worse recently, I gladly hopped on, grabbing one of the last window seats.  Next to me sat, in one of the last open seats, was this very nice Korean woman.  She was quiet for a while, then offered me candy to start conversation. Yup, I'm an adult and took candy from a stranger.  I did see her pop one into her mouth first, because I'm notoriously careful.  We spoke on and off for a handful of back and forth a few times, until I pulled out my crochet.  Then not onl

I'm home from Fusion, and this last week was a whirlwind.  Juggling multiple groups, being a switch, managing poly, teaching, performing, friends, and everything else. There's a lot for me to write about in the coming weeks, and I'm going to need to figure out how to spread it all out into coherent topics. My classes went well, although one wound up falling right in the hottest part of the day, and so it didn't happen. While Lux and I are thinking about putting together one new one for the future, I think four classes is definitely my maximum.  I kind of want to develop a rotating roster of classes to present, so I can be known for bringing far more things to the table. My double sword set went incredibly well.  I forgot one move, and got a little tangled at one point, but didn't drop the swords, even while rolling around on the ground.  I was nervous to the point of shaking while dancing with my swords, and it absolutely made me more confident in what I could

Right now, I'm feeling a bit foggy creatively.  My dancing feels like a crawl, partially because my performance anxiety is kicking in with Fusion only a month away.  I'm still practicing with swords every day, even if only for a few minutes to learn tiny tweaks and make progress on my skills.  I'm excited for my performances, but they always give me such nerves. I worry about my classes for Fusion as well.  I'm bringing three new classes, which is a lot of material to cover that I'm not used to pulling out like I can dance classes.  It's not that I don't know the subject matter, because I wouldn't teach it if I didn't know it.  It's some heavy imposter syndrome poking around in my brain. All my projects have slowed down.  They still are showing progress, but it's no longer the leaps and bounds that it was. That being said, I'm still worlds ahead of where I need to be.  I have a book and a half left to draw in order to be able to put

I get a lot of flak in my day to day for not sticking to the societal standard life escalator.  Partially because I had a lot of shit thrown on me early on which has made that less accessible, and also due to the fact that I have never been interested in that cookie cutter life plan.  It results in a lot of people asking if I'll ever be successful with anything, because to them, if I'm not following that life escalator, I'm not doing anything. But when you break it down, I succeed at so many things. For a year I've published at least one book every month, by myself.  Regardless of the money it makes, that requires a ton of work and self discipline.  I continue to work on this, with plans of doing even more in the future (which I am actively working on). I've survived abuse, with very little support.  Instead, when I speak up about abuse to my blood relatives, I'm met with more abuse.  I have learned to communicate and be a healthy partner the hard way, a

It's officially spring. That time when everyone is coming out of their seasonal depression, and digging their feet into the new year, with a better mindspace. Unfortunately, I notice that year after year, this is the hardest time of the year for me.  This point where winter is just letting go, and things are getting warmer is when my mind is the worst.  This year, as you've guessed, is no different. The last couple weeks have been terrible for my motivation.  While I had a thousand things going on I was able to keep going consistently.  Able to balance my own projects, create things, and do for everything going on. And now that things have calmed down, even with so much coming in the near future, I'm finding it hard to get started on anything. The worst of it is that I want to do these things.  I have that desire to see them done, and now finally have the time to tackle them because I busted my ass to make time and get ahead. Yet, it's really hard for me to

As of my next post, I'll have been writing to this blog for five years.  Five full years of two posts a week, never skipping a single one, even if deep in depression, anxiety, travels, and brainbugs. While there were small times when this felt like an obligation, in general making myself keep up with it helped me a ton, and definitely shows that I won't put something down right away after starting. I've mentioned several times on here, wanting to do and share more on a larger scale, and so this year I've thought about starting a proper vlog online.  Very simple talk to camera type stuff that helps me educate people, and catch them up on all my projects and progress in things.  Either weekly or bi-weekly, depending on how it goes, or how much material I have. And well, if I'm talking about a lot of current things there, I'm not sure if I want to just regurgitate it all in text here, because there's only so much going on in the world. Which means that

Finally, a month after most other homes, we're done with the holidays!  The week of birthdays finished with Squishy's party last weekend, and now all the big celebration is done for a while. Unfortunately, I'm noticing some amount of SAD kicking in, which is not helpful to everything going on, but hopefully will peter off a bit with things calming down. Squishy's party was pretty simple.  Only two of the four kids she invited showed up, and they mostly played upstairs.  At one point I went to grab them to do cake, and found them playing in makeup (Squishy has some of my older stuff I don't use) and faces covered.  I had to grab my baby oil to scrub their faces, and they of course asked if it was made from babies.  It should go without questioning that I said yes. She was happy though, and her one friend's mom offered to have her stay the night, so we sent her off because she had no school the next day. This should also give me more time to work on things

I've been thinking a lot about the things I want to do in the future. Plans for the next couple weeks before the holidays. Things I want to do in the next year. Things I just want to do. I may finally be at the point where I want to write out a bucket list.  Something I never really felt the drive to do, because I refused to want.  After feeling so much disappointment over other things in my life, I didn't like the idea of dreaming toward things only to be left without.  In some ways though, I am taking more control of my life again, and that is helping me to want to do more. Speaking of which, I'm thinking about how I want to expand beyond my art.  I have plans for more books in the future, and I don't think that's going to slow down anytime soon, there has been this persistent idea in my head to start some sort of video content.  Both general vlogs, and talking about all manner of kink, gender, sexuality and such as it becomes a relevant topic with life.

Today we're celebrating Channukah here.  A week after Thanksgiving. Which means that in the last week I had to carry about two dozen giant ass bins that Squishy, Oliver, and I could have fit into which were all full of winter holiday decorations, bring all the fall stuff down to the basement, bake a thousand cookies, finish inking a coloring book, and get that and another book scanned to edit, and do all the shopping and gift wrapping for Channukah. Yes, I made that a hell of a run on sentence for emphasis. It's been a week of madness, and much earlier that we would normally do Channukah, for stupid reasons. However, this holiday, and how we celebrate in particular, is my favorite thing about the holidays.  Inviting everyone we know, to celebrate and give to show care and affection.  Putting together this grand gesture of acknowledgement, without expectation or obligation.  A day of food, and giving, and silly tradition. I disagree with a lot of what Christmas has tur

I'm home from Lux's now, and it was a good week, albeit difficult in many ways. Lux had a lot of stress from many sources, which kept him distracted often.  Sometimes this was his own mind just being working against him, but there were a lot of very challenging things to work through over the course of the week. I tried to take care of things where I could, and help him out over the course of the week, whether spoiling him, showing affection, or doing little helpful things. There were also lots of wonderful moments that we both enjoyed, and I'm glad we got to share.  It was definitely a week I'm happy for, because we got to have that time together again.  In many ways, Lux tried to practice more power exchange and comfort with service.  It's good to feel like we have a more present a visible exchange.  It may still just be visible to us, but that's all we need. I did find that I didn't quite have enough to work on to keep busy for his entire workda