A New Devious Chapter

 Squishy going back to school, and doing so remotely hasn't been terribly smooth.  We've had trouble almost every week with one thing or another, but luckily, most of those things were able to be fixed.  She's also on a device provided by the school, so they have software that allows her teachers and the staff to see what she's doing, and either close things, send messages, or even block things in order to keep the kids on task. Last week though, after she was done with class, and as we were finishing up lunch, I got a voicemail from the vice principal of the school.  As I went to call him back, I got a call from my mother, as they had also contacted her.  Apparently she'd spent the day, on her school chromebook, on the day the class got access back to youtube, watching videos when she was supposed to be paying attention to school.  Worse yet, was that those videos all were entirely inappropriate content for her age anyway, not to mention to look at on a school devi

Squishy restarted school this week.  It's a little rocky at times, but she seems more motivated than last school year, which I hope sticks.  The gnome also registered her for karate classes, and while she was interested in the very very beginning, she's losing steam on that quickly.  However, that I have little problem with, because I'm not fond of the teachers, and the style is incredibly inefficient in the instance of actual self defense. This is however giving me more chance to get back to my own routine.  I'm needing to juggle school for her, taking care of me, and the house, and Oliver, and everything.  We also have Rosh Hashanah soon, and the possibility of future travels for me. It's a lot, and creating some odd stress, but it's good for me in a lot of ways too.  It's helping me keep up with things, and be more motivated. I'm getting a million more things done during the day than last week, and managing to perform self care as well.  And h

I had almost a week without Squishy home before the invasion.  I got through the weekend taking time for myself, and then Monday hit.  Only a few days before leaving, and as my mind was settling from not having to constantly worry about everything with Squishy, it started confronting everything else. Which meant all of the anxiety ever during the day.  My mind was confronting the idea of breaking lockdown, and being around people again, and likewise, possibly making contact with people again.  After so long avoiding people, and worried about the involved with seeing anyone, as well as everyone pushing for no large gatherings for safety, was I ready to break that?  Would Kitty feel safe hugging me?  My mind was spinning from not knowing, and it wasn't doing me any good to just stay quiet.  I went to talk to Pyre to get an idea from her about what he would do, and she told me that I needed to leave it to him, but she felt safe making contact with me.  She also suggested talking to

Today is technically the end of the school year for Squishy.  The start of her summer break, and while things are still closed, and it won't be the extra fun adventure most kids want, but it means no longer worrying about schoolwork for a bit for us both. And I'm hoping, that with her leaving in a few days, I'll be able to reset my own brain a little from how I've been feeling.  That break from how things have been, and the stress she's been creating will hopefully be helpful. For the last few days, I've been making myself do things that I know are good for me that I've let fall to the wayside.  Physical and mental acts of self care that I know I need, but just made excuses that I didn't have the spoons for, because I honestly didn't think I did with everything else going on. I'm forcing myself to do even simple physical self care again, and it's helping a ton.  Focusing on the things that are healthy for me, and while it may not be the

I finished everything with the gnome last week, and Squishy was making progress with having better behavior.  At the same time, I've continued to have all the same physical stress symptoms that I had been dealing with.  My mom had told me that I could relax when I pointed it out to her, and I just responded that I couldn't.  There was too much in the air, too much still happening all at once.  Lux was about to do his move, and had even more happening in his life, which is still going on.  Pyre's living situation had been falling apart.  I'm worried about the safety of everyone for so many reasons, and have everything exploding here.  I think all things considered, just some physical stress symptoms is me handling things fairly well. But at the same time, Squishy's behavior took a nose dive as soon as she had gotten herself back any freedom.  After trying to work with her, be understanding to how she felt, and fighting like hell to make her feel safe, I was met w

Two days ago, while sure that I would basically get what I had wanted from the hearing, but still nervous, I sat with Squishy to find dates she agreed with for the summer.  Times to travel that are long enough to do contact tracing and be aware of symptoms, but work with anything happening over the summer, and make a decent balance. Yesterday morning, I had the hearing with the gnome.  A ball of nerves, compacted with some issues with Squishy that morning.  Once everything had started, I listened to the judge, and as he spoke, after he got through the routine of rules, I could hear some cheer in his voice.  He sounded fairly pleasant, like he was having a good morning coming into work. I knew, that so long as I was polite and prompt, I had nothing to worry about. And as our hearing began, and we were sworn in I felt better and better. From the beginning, I could tell with the judge looking at the record that he wasn't going to tolerate anything.  And then, as the gnome spok

While already at my limit trying to protect my daughter, and help her feel safe, social media is overrun.  I can't look anywhere without seeing stories about the unjust death of a black man by police hands, and what is happening as a result.  I see people in media being knocked down and arrested for being compliant, in the most gentle of situations. And it has me afraid, for so many people.  Afraid of lost lives, families torn apart, and homes destroyed due to how the police respond to a request for basic human decency. I'm afraid for my partner, who I haven't seen in months because of covid, trying to be responsible, and keep everyone safe.  Afraid that I won't ever see him again because as he prepares to move, he'll be walking something over to a dumpster, and the wrong person will drive by, assume he's looting, and attack him.  My partner, the brick wall that he is, can barely defend himself, because that invites him to become the target of police brut

I woke up on Thursday still in the process of my mind settling, but prepared for a more peaceful, and productive day.  I knew I had a lot to do, but was prepared to try and get it all done. The morning was met with some smaller speed bumps, mostly due to my own anxieties, but nothing horrible.  While making lunch I saw a voicemail and went to listen to it. The gnome actually filed a dispute claiming I was forcibly keeping Squishy from him, and there would be a hearing that afternoon.  And because Squishy was in the room when I played the message, already worried about being forced to travel, she was a mess.  She was mad at her father, who she didn't feel comfortable talking to previously, and now felt like she couldn't talk to at all. I spent the day anxious, but knowing I had nothing to worry about.  He had no real leg to stand on with a dispute, and that was made very clear as soon as the hearing started.  The judge brought up that there was no record of a visitation

Saturday night, after writing my last post, I caught Squishy again, sneaking things upstairs.  I was already fried, and this made it worse.  I went to tell the gnome, because he was so far just continuing to act selfishly, with no actual help.  In fact, he had called Squishy just to scream at her for a half hour, which left me having to deal with her curled up in a ball and sobbing.  As I told him, he insisted that she needed to be up there, again, just fixated on him wanting to bring her up there, despite what was going on with her, or caring about health and safety given the situation.  He tried claiming that I was "keeping her" from him.  Started yelling that I can't legally keep her here. I know it's all a load of shit, but it was still frustrating.  That while dealing with everything else, he could only think about what he wanted, and too fixated on himself to actually consider the safety of his kid. I tried to decompress, until I knew I needed to get ready

I wrote my last entry on the Tuesday prior.  It was hard to write, letting myself acknowledge all those things that I was trying to keep aside.  Everything going on with Squishy had left me running on fumes, and with no energy left for much of anything.   I was in tears for about an hour after I finished writing that, because I just felt so overwhelmed, with everything.  When I finally was able to compose myself again, I walked out of my room to find more things from Squishy, and was just on negative spoons all around. And it's been like that since.  I've found her lying about things, trying to sneak around, and doing what she shouldn't constantly.  I'm met with villification from my parents rather than consistency, and the gnome just shrugs and ignores it, like he does with everything else, getting upset that I won't let him act selfishly rather than providing any help.  I've started blowing up on people.  I'm quick to apologize, but a lot of the

I've learned what would make me break lockdown. It's the last two days. See, I finally decided that Squishy wasn't super grounded anymore.  I wasn't going to tell her until she was done with school work, in hopes that it would keep her on better behavior.  Not even two hours into the morning, I walked past her desk to go to the bathroom, and saw her doing things that have been off limits for the majority of her being in trouble.  Two hours of her on less restriction, she didn't even know it, and she couldn't respect it, because she "was bored". My parents tried to make excuses for her, the entire day, making little times that should have been a couple of minutes out of her room into over an hour, then attacking me like I was the villain. To top off that morning, the gnome called, suddenly asking when he could take Squishy for visits, because he "missed her".  I'm sorry, is there not a pandemic going on there?  Because there is he

You would think that after this long to adjust, and not being busy prepping for time away for anything, I would have far more time to get things done.  A few weeks ago, I felt like I had a good grasp on my time, and was taking advantage of it.   This last week or so, I feel like I'm running on fumes again. Squishy has been infinitely difficult, even before losing her grandfather, or knowing he was sick.  She's been sneaking things, lying, and trying to pushing limits to the point where she's spent several days stuck in her room if she isn't eating or doing school work, because I gave her literal weeks to just do what I had asked her to do.  Because of that, I have to spend most of my day quiet, often having to stand over her, or listening to make sure she isn't trying to do something she knows she shouldn't, or to get her school work done in a decent time (because I've caught her many times just deciding to do something else). That has eaten up such a chunk

For a few weeks, Squishy's paternal grandfather was in the hospital.  The gnome was quiet about it, until one day he had Squishy hand off the phone, and told me some things that weren't true about his diagnosis, but said that he probably wouldn't last the week.   And I was a bit upset that he wasn't telling her.  She should know what's going on with family members, especially in harder situations like that.  She should have had time to mentally sort it out.  While the gnome's mom had passed away a few years ago, they had never met or spoken.  Squishy had regularly seen her grandfather, even if he didn't really know how to interact with her. The gnome eventually said that he had tested positive for Covid, which I could tell from what he had been saying previously.  Two days later, he passed away.  I made sure the gnome was the one to tell her, because he shouldn't have to dump that on me like he does everything else.  And then I had to take on helping her

The last couple of weeks have been a bit on the easier side, as we're all starting to learn how to cope and function in this lockdown situation.  There's still stress and things to deal with, but things are adjusting with time. Except my brain is apparently making sure to tell me about all the things that I do need, or are picking at me right now. This is something that stands out because normally, I don't dream.  Or at least I don't remember them.  There's only one or two times a year that I recall a dream when I wake up. I've had four in the last week or so. All very clearly telling me where things are actually at.  The first one involved someone I don't actually know, and I don't think it mattered that day.  However, I remember him hugging me despite the contact restriction.  I remember my surprise, then sneaking off to talk, and walking around holding hands.  And that feeling in my mind of just fingers entwined brought me so much peace in t

We're all being affected by COVID, and so I have a feeling my next few posts will have to do with that.  Squishy is homeschooling for at least two weeks.  It's a good thing I get everything done from home, and know how to do the work she's currently doing, so I can help her while trying to get things done myself. At first she was excited, and wanted me to lay out her day, do school work on the weekends, and all manner of things.  She has since woken up, and realized that this isn't playing school, but actually having to create her own sense of self-motivation, and buckle down to get through things.  She's losing steam as soon as she has anything that isn't a quick assignment, despite my making sure she has plenty of different things to do during the day. It's very different from how I was as a kid, and still am, as someone who wants to constantly get things done and accomplished.  I was the kind of kid who would have tried to knock out all the work giv

I think every parent hopes that their child feels safe talking to them.  I know one of the biggest things that gets considered when I teach Squishy about anything is that in the future, she'll be comfortable talking to me about important things.  At the same time, I've been the one to teach her about all manner of actual life topics, which she wouldn't learn about anywhere else. And before I go further, I'm going to mention that I did get her consent before writing this. A couple weeks ago, I am at the bus stop to get Squishy after school, and she runs off the bus and yells something at me that I don't quite get.  I ask her to repeat herself while we walk home, and she says that she likes a girl and thinks she might be gay.  I mention her liking boys, and she says that she does, and that in this case she might be bi.  It's all just sort of matter of fact how she says it with me.  No hesitation, and far easier for her to tell me than on occasions when she had

There's been a lot going on with Squishy lately, I know.  She's getting to where there's a lot of things happening that I can try to teach her about that are more mature topics, and apparently she's comfortable enough to talk to me about those things, but that's for another post. I still get up with her every morning to try and get her ready for school.  She needs another person to sort of kick her in the butt, and make sure she gets everything done in time to make it to the bus stop.  Oliver also thinks putting Squishy on the bus is his job, and he's not allowed to go by himself, as much as that would make things far easier. While she gets herself ready, we sometimes groan and fail to wake up, and sometimes there is actual conversation.  One morning, we're sitting there, as I slowly work on my coffee, and make a comment about something.  Squishy starts yelling about how the person I had mentioned was cheating, even though it was a silly situation where

There's been quite a few talks with Squishy about things lately.  Teaching her more interpersonal concepts, and aspects of healthy interaction.  She's finally at an age where these things are relevant, and she's going to need those tools. Well, we were playing Just Dance again, and she had picked a map that I hadn't really taken the time to listen to, because I'd only played it once.  Because Squishy was dancing by herself, I could actually pay attention to lyrics of the song "Done For Me". And in the middle of the song I started talking to her about how incredibly unhealthy the message was.  It's a duet, where the girl is singing about how she stopped talking to everyone to make a boy happy, and never did anything wrong anyway.  The guy is telling her that he's completely devoted and heartbroken, but wants to know what she is doing for him, because that isolation doesn't mean anything. It's a toxic situation in nutshell.  When I call

The other day, I was talking to Lux (more on that later maybe), and I mentioned how Squishy is very susceptible to marketing, and societal expectation.  There have been many times when she's asked for something, and I know it isn't something she actually wants, but something everyone else has, or something that seems like the cool thing to do at her age. Most recently, because she's going to be going through puberty soon, she's talking about how she wants a big butt and big boobs when she gets older.  Lux immediately asked if she has access to Instagram, and wondering where she got the idea.  I told him that she didn't, but figured it was something she saw somewhere else that was to blame.  I also told him that I had explained to Squishy the practical reasons against it. And it's happened a lot with things, for years.  She goes through these phases of wanting what is pushed by the kids in school, or by what she sees online.  She says she wants to like thin

A couple of weeks ago, the new Addams Family movie came out.  I grew up watching not only the movies from the 90's, but also the cartoon, and the show from the 60's.  They were something I loved, and was very aware at a young age how all the characters were unique, but really just people. So, when Squishy expressed interest in going to see the movie, I was all for taking her to see it.  I wanted her to get to see something I loved as a kid, and share it with her, because I knew she would enjoy it.  At the same time, I was worried.  Having it be an animated movie gave too much of a chance for them to go off the wall, and far from the Addams of past. While driving to the theatre, Squishy asked about the characters and such.  I explained to her that they were honestly not all that weird, and sort of eccentric old money types that were just weird goth people.  Well, the movie was exactly what I was worried about.  There was a handful of references, but it felt like a kids mov