A New Devious Chapter

 A few weeks ago, my vaccine was cooked, and I finally had the safety to go and see people again.  I didn't know who I would get to see or when, but that option was there.  And when Squishy was with the gnome for a weekend, and we had started making plans for the summer and such, I knew I was going to have a few days available over Memorial day. Most of the people I would have wanted to see were already busy, or would be getting home in the middle of that weekend, but as soon as I mentioned it to Dansa, she said she only had plans for a few hours one day.  I offered to pup-sit for her, and we had plans. It didn't kick in until the next day, that after two years, I'd be able to go up to the city and see her again.  That there was an end to this, and that I was making my way back to getting to really live again.  I would get to see people, and hug them, and be safe around my friends.  When that thought really hit, I got a little overwhelmed.  It took me a bit to process that

It's the last real block of time I have this summer before Squishy starts school again.  While a few people had taken off time in the window of what summercamp would have been, since I generally can't be at that event, I didn't feel offput by the lack of opening in everyone else's schedules.  However, I did find out that Kitty had a week off during the time that I would be able to adventure. So, I tried for the longest visit yet this year, and Pyre came to pick me up.  I spent the weekend with her, and got to see Lux for a short period, but for the first time since Pax.  I however, got no sleep, because Pyre's kitten somehow got swapped for a shit gremlin, and so she kept us up for two nights.  It meant that shortly after getting unpacked upon getting to Kitty's, I promptly passed out like the dead. And now, we get to enjoy a fairly quiet week with it just being the two of us during the day, even if dealing with some major life things.  It will be benefici

The weekend of my birthday is supposed to be another gathering at Kitty's place.  The one thing I wanted for my birthday, an unofficial thing happening of just that.  While I'm not trying to push my birthday in anything going on, I'm more than a little happy that I'm getting the simple thing I do want, even if all the people I want to spend it with will likely not be present. Squishy left earlier this week though, and that would give me a week and a half of being home without her.  A week and a half that I had hoped initially would be spent with Lux, celebrating both our birthdays together, and finally seeing each other after yet more months of distance.  To help him make this new place into a home. Before I can even consider the risk of seeing him though, he needs more time in quarantine, having just come back from traveling to take care of family matters.  As much as in many ways these things look like selfish acts, we really are all keeping safety in mind.  A str

Shortly after I arrived at Kitty's house, I was bringing my things in, and trying to decide where I was sleeping.  When I left the room that was initially suggested for me to stay in, Kitty was standing in the hallway, saying that he wasn't sure about things like hugs, and I could see the conflict in his face, even with a mask on. I told him that I was prepared for the risk he came with, and it was his decision.  After continuing to waffle, he nearly flung himself forward to hug me, and we both teared up, a little overwhelmed with everything happening.  Bandaid ripped off, and feeling the relief of not only seeing each other, but getting to hug for the first time in a year. Over the weekend, while not actively showing affection in front of each other, there were many hugs, which we both needed.  There was a lot of the back and forth that only we have, bouncing off of each other in such an energetic way, which kept everyone entertained. Saturday night, when almost everyone

I didn't get to have camp this year, but I very nearly had the next best thing.  The invasion that we planned, albeit for many reasons, created the sort of environment that I had needed from camp, without the risk of hundreds of people all having sex on top of each other. Everyone didn't even show up who had planned to, which made the entire thing a small gathering of safe people, with as few risk for issues as possible. We all worked together to try and take care of everything, and were all happy to do so.  It was obvious how much we all needed this, and it created an environment to bring us all closer, while getting the bit of relaxation we needed.  Throughout the weekend, things kept happening in reflection of where we are mentally.  While everyone was having cups done outside, no one could deal with it.  During harder conversations, people had to walk away and process.  I had to remind everyone at one point or another that we were all compromised given the situation. 

I had almost a week without Squishy home before the invasion.  I got through the weekend taking time for myself, and then Monday hit.  Only a few days before leaving, and as my mind was settling from not having to constantly worry about everything with Squishy, it started confronting everything else. Which meant all of the anxiety ever during the day.  My mind was confronting the idea of breaking lockdown, and being around people again, and likewise, possibly making contact with people again.  After so long avoiding people, and worried about the involved with seeing anyone, as well as everyone pushing for no large gatherings for safety, was I ready to break that?  Would Kitty feel safe hugging me?  My mind was spinning from not knowing, and it wasn't doing me any good to just stay quiet.  I went to talk to Pyre to get an idea from her about what he would do, and she told me that I needed to leave it to him, but she felt safe making contact with me.  She also suggested talking to

Today, I should be at camp.  At the end of a week with friends, my polycule, and loved ones. Instead, we are all concerned with safety.  Keeping apart even while our worlds are on fire, trying to stay healthy so we can keep each other healthy. Now, we rewind to a couple of weeks ago.  I'm on a call with Pyre, talking about how Kitty's birthday is soon, and she is planning a trip up, which has changed from just a short trip due to her current situation.  She mentions another one of our friends talking about making a long trek down, because it would be the week of camp, and spending the weekend.  She asks what I'm up to, and I tell her that Squishy will be gone. And so the plotting began.  Trying to make something happen as safely as possible, while taking stress off of Kitty so we would show up with everything taken care of. A fantastic surprise that brings us back to the important people, and creates a positive space for mental health. Which means that while I'

With us about a month into isolation, and not sure when it will end, I'm definitely feeling the effects.  So, I decided to think about all the things I want to do once it's safe to make plans and be with others again. I am going to koala on my partners so hard.  Full Master Blaster backpack koala. I want to finally run a game of Dread. Whatever local dumpy restaurants survive this, I want to try with people. Even if it's in my own yard, I want to have a fire, and share cigars and whiskey with friends. This will be the year I invite people over and finally watch the Matrix.  Because I'm the only person who hasn't seen any of them. On that note, I'm going to show Lux all the Jersey movies.  Half of them take place about two towns away from where he grew up. I want so much play time.  I don't care how intense, but I need that connection now more than ever. Play should also happen with friends too.  Not just the people I've done things with before

Lux and I made it to Pax and home again, after a lot of difficult obstacles and things.  I've even managed to get through my first one without catching any sort of pax flu, despite how common it is for everyone to catch. Mostly, we were there to spend time with friends.  It was a good social time, even if a reminder of how I am far more extroverted than everyone else.  There were also reminders that how Lux and I work is far more subtle and unique than the other dynamics often around us.  It often makes me happy that people don't quite get how we work.  Like a reminder that we really have made something that just fits us. However, it was my first pax, and it was a really interesting sort of event.  I don't think this year was as busy as intended due to corvid, but there were so many fantastic cosplays, and still plenty of lines.  I saw a ton of smaller titles that caught my interest, and had a bunch of tabletop games brought back to the front of my mind that I had wa

So, we decided against Winterfire this year.  Lux was destroyed by work, and needed to take time off the week before, and it was a lot of extra time and money to worry about, so we figured it would be best to skip it.   And while I didn't feel any sense of loss by not going, I did feel like I wished I could have done more with the long weekend than I did.  I relaxed, and caught up on a couple things, but didn't really feel super productive.  I know I don't need to be constantly doing, but this just seemed like time I should have been taking advantage of. However, we have decided on doing Pax, and seeing a bunch of friends there.  It's my first time there, and while I have wanted to go to this show for a long time, I'm a bit nervous with how big it's apparently gotten.  I don't know how this event works, and it's a little disorienting going into the prep so short notice. I've been pestering Lux with silly things, and while he's telling

Last year, Lux and I made a list.  A list of things we wanted to do instead of Pennsic.  I tried to slowly add things over time to it, at a variety of types of things, that we either hadn't done, or wanted to do again in another frame. Well, we never made that trip, and never decided on something.  That list is still there, and I think about it after that handful of days I spent with Lux over the new year. While we were on one of our many adventures, Lux admitted to not knowing about what Folsom was, and when I explained it to him, he said that he'd been thinking about wanting to attend a leather event, although not feeling the most confident about it. And while I immediately commented on how the reasons he had were purely in his head, and he would have his worries proven incorrect as soon as he was there, I also considered what I thought about going to a leather event. Leather spaces are often very gay male centric.  It can be a very stereotypically exclusionary, and w

The ride home from Lux was far more smooth than the ride up to his place.  I think the world needed to give me that difficult one so I can appreciate the smoother trips.  The train was calm and quiet, and I got in a bit early, with plenty of time to head from one station to another, so I could catch the next bus home.  A bus that was late showed up a few minutes once I got to my gate, which meant I could catch one about twenty minutes earlier than planned.  It would however, be packed full. Having dealt with much worse recently, I gladly hopped on, grabbing one of the last window seats.  Next to me sat, in one of the last open seats, was this very nice Korean woman.  She was quiet for a while, then offered me candy to start conversation. Yup, I'm an adult and took candy from a stranger.  I did see her pop one into her mouth first, because I'm notoriously careful.  We spoke on and off for a handful of back and forth a few times, until I pulled out my crochet.  Then not onl

Dansa's visit was a very highly needed experiment for her.  She brought her new dog with her, and it would be their first time traveling, the dog's longest time around a kid, and the first time Oliver had another dog stay the night. I will preface this by saying that Oliver is the most patient and well behaved puppy ever, and deserves all the hugs and snuggles he could ever want.  He was far better with the whole situation than I ever could have asked from him, and it made me even more appreciative to have him as a furry baby (because it is absolutely how he sees himself). Dansa's pup did alright with Squishy, especially considering that she got a little too excited at times and started treating this pup like Oliver, which is more than most dogs could ever deal with.  I had to tell her to back off a few times, just so pup could wind down a little. That being said, Dansa is remarkably unaware of her dog.  The pup has developed resource aggression over her, because she

Coming into August, there was very little planned.  The gnome had left the month in the air in regards to taking Squishy, given the hectic nature of the wedding, and said he might only take her for a long weekend.  Camp is the end of summer, right before Squishy starts school, so it isn't an option for me, and means I don't see people there either. Well, after talking to Lux and telling him that the month was empty, I made plans with Dansa.  She said she wanted to come down for a weekend with her new pup, and see how she would get along with Oliver.  That booked up a weekend right in the middle of the month. And a bit over a week ago, the gnome decided he was taking Squishy.  He handed some dates to her without talking to me, and after confronting him to adjust them, which I may talk about later, Squishy agreed to an amount of time she and I both were happier with.  This meant a random week that I wouldn't have a Squishy home. Given how this summer has gone, my immedi

Last week Squishy, my mom, and I went down to Atlantic City to do some stuff before the gnome's wedding (more on this soon) when Squishy would obviously need to leave and be there.  It was stupidly hot out, but we did our wandering about, and had fun, and Squishy got a bit spooked for no reason, though admitted to enjoying herself. We grabbed some ice cream for the long walk up the boardwalk, and back to the car, though it wasn't enough to keep Squishy or my mom from melting in the heat.  While on the walk though, a younger girl actually stopped me to compliment my makeup.  Considering that I don't do the standard full beat most people do, I appreciated her noticing as she walked past. As she took a few steps away though, I heard ma quietly say in the most demeaning tone "Aw, the little hooker likes your makeup" as though she wasn't even a person. And I stopped her, in the sun, with my daughter right there. I told her that I didn't know what she di

Initially, I was supposed to spend last weekend up with Lux.  We had talked about throwing a birthday party, and I would spend a week up with him.  I had to fight with the gnome to get him to listen to me, and not change plans he had promised to and take Squishy in the agreed upon time period.  Then, while at camp, Lux told me he was being sent away during that week.  Off to the UK, and far away from here, removing our original plans. When I mentioned it to my mom, she shoved the idea of me pestering him to bring me down my throat so much that I felt badly for even talking to her about it and thinking that might be a possibility.  Like always, she just assumed that I should take advantage of people, because it's what she does. And so I had to make new plans with a week free. Luckily Dansa hopped up to tell me to spend some time up at her place, and we would adventure about the city, and I would meet her pup, and we would have fun. So, I spent a long weekend up with her. 

Last year at camp, I met one of Pyre's favorite people in the scene.  A large man, who was incredibly intelligent, peaceful, and talented.  I could tell just in the short time we had together that there would be a solid friendship and that he was good people. A few months ago, I got myself some new boots, and realized I would need someone to tend to those, as well as my older boots which were seeing some wear.  Around the same time, Pyre started a service dynamic with this man, Owl, and said she would have him work on them.  We made up plans to meet at camp, and regardless of boot service, we would chat over coffee and enjoy some time. The week before camp, I got a call from Lux, saying that he heard of Owl's passing.  Before a real friendship could be built, the chance was gone. I was immediately worried about Pyre, more than feeling loss myself. Camp is a strange place this year, shaken and cracked.

I'm at the point in packing for camp that I'm just adding things to a pile as I think about them.  Most of the gear is already packed, and much of what's left I may need before we leave.  I'm left considering clothing to pack, costumes for performances, and little details like that. Likewise, Dansa needs to start packing early, because she's headed back to Aus for a week to visit family.  While in her storm of packing for everything, she is also gathering things together for camp in order to save time.  Amidst her mountain of laundry, she talks about having a small pile of lingerie growing for camp.  And I laughed.  I told her that while she was going to be filling a bag with lacy underthings, I was wondering how many suits would fit into my luggage. Last year I wore dresses every day, and actually wore underpants much to Lux's displeasure.  By the end of camp I was so tired of dresses that I told him not to expect to see me in one for at least a year. T

Right now, I'm feeling a bit foggy creatively.  My dancing feels like a crawl, partially because my performance anxiety is kicking in with Fusion only a month away.  I'm still practicing with swords every day, even if only for a few minutes to learn tiny tweaks and make progress on my skills.  I'm excited for my performances, but they always give me such nerves. I worry about my classes for Fusion as well.  I'm bringing three new classes, which is a lot of material to cover that I'm not used to pulling out like I can dance classes.  It's not that I don't know the subject matter, because I wouldn't teach it if I didn't know it.  It's some heavy imposter syndrome poking around in my brain. All my projects have slowed down.  They still are showing progress, but it's no longer the leaps and bounds that it was. That being said, I'm still worlds ahead of where I need to be.  I have a book and a half left to draw in order to be able to put

I will preface this by saying that my cycle is incredibly reliable.  More often than not, I can predict well beforehand the exact day that my period will start, and feel comfortable with it. Nearly a week before I was due to leave for Lux's place, I was expecting to start my period.  I was right on time the month before, and hadn't had anything happen that would make me worry about it. Well, I started having symptoms, and it seemed like it would be on time. Until it wasn't. And while I wasn't seriously worried, I still panicked mentally more than I should have.  Until I realized my period is an asshole. Where I had planned for my period to be done the day I was travelling north, instead it first made it's appearance that day. Because it's an asshole. And while I know that having my period is not the end of the world, it certainly would have made this week easier.  Due to it being late my cramps were worse than usual, it fucked over my