A New Devious Chapter

 In the midst of everything that I'm juggling (which had more piled onto it) I had a day of a ton of running around recently.  Picking up things for my mother demanding my time, as well as some grocery store stops to get stocked back up on many things.  While out, we decided to get lunch, which had a silly moment where I thought I wouldn't get what I'd ordered, then wound up getting it with extras. On the way from lunch to the next store however, I had something click in my head.  Something that finally made sense after contributing to the anxiety I've been dealing with for the last month.  I don't have feels for Puppy.  I want to keep him around as a friend, but there's more pressure from many angles that I should have feels for him that made me so anxious.  He's not so gently pushing for me to say we have a serious relationship, and other people are waiting for me to say there's something official.  Not to mention that I don't think he's in a s

 Normally this week, I would want to try to spend time with Lux, and I do, but with him dealing with some things, he didn't have the spoons to have me there for a week and take care of planning and such.  Not wanting to lose out on seeing someone during Halloween weekend, I wanted to still do something.  Puppy asked about my availability in the next few weeks, so we decided to spend the last weekend together, because we both needed some calm hangout time with things going on, or things that will happen. So on a rainy night, we made the trek back out to Philly again.  We had no real plans, just that we wanted to have some drinks, he had school work to do, and we would relax together. He asked if I wanted to go do anything for Halloween, and I told him that I still wasn't comfortable with big gatherings yet, especially out where people would potentially be unmasked.  Top that with the number of accidents we saw on our way back from grabbing bagels, and we were quite happy staying

 I'm pretty sure I mentioned a beach episode a couple of weeks ago, and looking forward to it for a myriad of reasons.  That I had wanted to take advantage of a long weekend, see Lux after not getting to for a couple of months, and have a good reset.  He unfortunately hasn't been feeling well though, and couldn't join us, so we decided to postpone. And so I was left with a long weekend and no plans. I poked around a little, to no avail, trying to find a way to take advantage of this time, and enjoy some company. Meanwhile, a Puppy friend of mine and I have been slowly talking more over the last year.  We had a falling out due to things that happened on both our parts, which caused us to have a divide for a good while.  He's also had a hell of a year, with going through a hard breakup with someone who fucked him over mentally, got injured and needed surgery, started juggling both school and work, and just recently is dealing with loss.  I've tried to be more present

 I intend to take more classes than I often actually get to.  Sometimes I forget to go looking for them, or sometimes life happens and I forget that there was even a class that day until the evening, when I realize it ended six hours earlier. When I do get to them, it's a mixed experience.  There are times when I know I'm going in just to get information to better help my own classes, with seeing how things are worded, or finding points that I would only touch on, but should instead make a focus.  There are also classes that I find go far too 101 for anyone to really feel engaged with. Sometimes though, we get classes that cover things that we know going in, but are the right reminder at the right time.  And I had one of those recently. Around the same time as what happened in my last post, I sat in on a class about owning one's submissive identity.  It didn't cover many topics that were earth-shatteringly new, but instead posed questions that encouraged finding your ow

While I was at Lux's we watched a youtube video someone put up that after watching, I found myself wanting to do some writing on the subject as well.  Something that I felt some pull to share my own experiences with, because while it seemed obvious to Lux after this long, most people don't know how to navigate.  I had been having some issues with it recently, and thought that perhaps if I shared some information about it, things might have more potential to go well in the future. It took a bit before I finally sat down the write it, but once I looked at the first draft, I sent it to Lux in hopes that he would give it another set of eyes.  The piece itself definitely needed a readover by someone else before I could post it somewhere. The next day, I asked him if he had looked at it, and he said that he hadn't.  I assured him that there was no rush, but he made sure to say that because he said he would do it, he would be sure to do it that night. And when I read that single m

 Normally every Thursday I have a call with Pyre.  We catch up, and be silly, and use that time to make sure we still have contact with others.  The day of the week has changed over time, but we manage to make it happen even though we take breaks once in a while. I messaged her one week, to make sure we were still good for our video date, and she says she's at Kitty's place for the weekend.  I ask a legitimate question, knowing about some things, and she mentions it being a birthday party for Kitty, and lots of people showing up.  We talked about some manner of things that might be difficult, and that was about it. But then I realized how many times Scar could have said, when she was here two days prior, that something was happening.  She skirted around it every time, some more awkwardly than others. And, it's not that I'm upset over not being invited.  I wouldn't ever expect to be invited to the party of someone I've dumped, especially recently.  I'm not us

 For a while, I was trying to keep up with a side instagram.  I was posting there regularly, and it started gaining traction in some ways.  Apparently enough so that people started sending me messages.  Wound up proving to me why I need to keep everything in my life just a little separate, because people who aren't worth it definitely won't do the work. Randomly, a guy started sending me dms, and it was quite obvious that he was trying to pick me up.  I tried to steer the conversation to keep it professional and polite, while making sure to still be honest how I could.  After a few exchanges, I mentioned having a partner, and never got a response.  Completely ghosted with a single word. And while I wanted him to go away, because he was trying to pick me up without knowing anything about me, it pissed me off that he behaved that way. As soon as I had a partner, I didn't exist.  I wasn't worth anything, and he couldn't even apologize for trying to pick me up.  He coul

 Most mornings, in those few minutes between my eyes opening and braving the world outside my blankets, I will spend that time grabbing my phone.  I tell Lux good morning, and then check Twitter the one time that I will scroll through for the day.  And one morning, I found a post that woke me up better than any coffee. It was talking about how people who are abusive typically don't benefit from therapy.  That if anything, it just gives them tools to try and learn to say the right things to justify their behavior, and behave worse. As soon as I read it, and started poking through the comments, I was reminded of my last visit with Kitty.  How he would try and justify all of his actions as being healthy and trying to help people, when they made no sense, or weren't consented to. Things like my bringing the switch, and both he and Pyre wanting to try the ring fit.  When they finally got to it the last day, he tried to blame me for his not getting to it, because he "never knew

 The last month or so has not been the easiest, for anything.  Squishy has given me no breaks in her behavior.  My parents are being their normal difficult selves, as well as finally realizing things that I've brought up to them multiple times.  I've had some things crawling around in my brain that are important, but still hard, and even with doing things to help my mental state, the thoughts have stuck around, or been proven even more true. Things have been challenging for everyone lately, and so while trying to be understanding of them, and not dump onto them, I feel worse because I can't do anything helpful either.   I've realized I'm craving just the chance to relax.  At all.  The few times Squishy has been gone I've been in such a garbage space that I can't let myself relax, and I don't have the space to reset at all, because most of my stress is still right here.  At the same time, because so much is going on with everyone, I'm not getting time

 Just when I thought it was done.  I honestly thought I had found all the shitty moments from Thrax, the things burrowed into my brain like land mines.  The ones that no matter how much he tries to tell himself that he did nothing wrong, did lasting damage to my brain.  I thought I'd found so many that I'd found them all. But apparently that wasn't the case.  Underneath all the other things that had been done, was at least one more, undiscovered and covered in dust. Until my last visit with Kitty. And it was small, but when he did it accidentally, and then made more comments not knowing what he'd done, it hit like a truck.  Burst from the dust, and I couldn't do much but lay there and cry for a few minutes.  And while trying to navigate what was happening, also trying to tell myself that I was with Kitty, someone I trusted.  Just like every time it's happened with Lux, that didn't matter, and I just tried to navigate back to a level space. It was a week or s

It's been a strange trip so far. Fox is off for work, leaving for three to six months.  Kitty is sad about it, overly stressed, and sort of letting himself wallow.  Pyre is going to help him, but I'm wondering how much that will do for him with how much he is fighting everything. Kitty also needs to check his privilege.  On more than a few occasions over the last week or so, he's responded to things with some manner of mansplaining, treating me like I'm an idiot, or simply not being aware that I didn't grow up with an affluent, intelligent family.  He's starting to try and argue with everyone on how to do things, and not just with me, but with Lux when he was here as well.  It's hard.  Because I do love him, and I know how he can be, but he's lost so much of himself trying to just be his career, and do what society defines success as, that it'll be really hard for him to dig out a sense of self that isn't so tied into societal competition a

Almost two weeks ago, the big storm hit here.  Technically, I don't think it was a hurricane by the time it was here, but there were definitely winds enough count as one. We hunkered in, knowing this particular storm would be short.  It didn't look like it would be too harsh, breaking land well before getting to us, and hopefully dispersing into a less violent event. And by about noon that day, we were out of power.  I told everyone when the lights started heavily flickering, so they would hopefully understand that I may go silent soon after.  When the power went, the cell towers also became unreliable at best.  By that evening my parents could barely get calls to my siblings so we could all check on each other. Because of this, I was unable to actually get a hold of people to let them know I was ok.  Up to the first night, I didn't feel too badly.  Upon waking up the next day, still with no power to be found, I started feeling worse.  At that point it was a good whil

Friday of the invasion, many people went to take a nap, right around when Kitty was finishing with work.  While I had wanted to find some time alone with him, he wanted to relax in the pool, which was also ok.  So it was the two of us, another couple who got invited (and stayed fairly distant the entire time), and Fox in the garden, pulling out weeds.  Fox was continually trying to pull Kitty from the pool to do things for them, and it made me angry each time.  He had just needed to work a full day, when they had off, and was trying to decompress, knowing he had another meeting Saturday morning, while juggling being a host.  They wouldn't let him have more than a couple of minutes of floating along, and I could see the frustration on his face. The couple also attending was a guy who is very toppy, and a girl who only bottoms, and was goading on Fox.  At a certain point she brought up that she's a brat, but likes to help, and is often very helpful in what she does.  The term

There were many times over the course of my time with Kitty that he seemed unsure, and uncomfortable with trying to figure out us.  People would ask about our dynamic, and he had no idea how to answer, where I absolutely could say one way or another. And yes, it's been a long time since we've had the idea of where things sit between us.  Time where he has lost track of what I'm comfortable with, what I've done, and how I play.  It's caused him to be incredibly reticent about things, which leaves me unsure of how he feels. I've never stopped being absolutely comfortable with him, and so anything that I felt safe and interested in doing with him over the years, is still the case on my end.  Distance and time hasn't changed how I feel about him, or the trust we've built.  However, given that Lux and I try to reset our negotiations every few years, Kitty and I are likely overdue as well. Taking care of relationships is often the aspect of doing mainten

Having been down at Kitty's for a couple of days, it is incredibly noticeable the amount of change from last month, and even since talking to him the slightest bit.  Most of base level need is taken care of, regardless of having not even told him what any of it is.  It's still odd though, being asked about wants.  A strange tiptoeing vibe on his end, of not knowing where we sit after time of not cultivating things has left a strange existence for our relationship, and we need to figure out where we are now, in order to grow and move further. On the same hand, being asked about wants in the abstract remains difficult.  I find myself needing to fight the thoughts that I am not allowed to want, because of the consequences.  That I need to do without because it'll just result in an empty promise.  That it'll be used against me later.  That I'll just be told no because even simple needs are too much. I realize that even though I've had years of space from these

Coming out of the last visit to see Kitty, and up to this one, I had brought to him a few things we needed to talk about, and he agreed.  One of which was him saying that he wanted to go over the actual parameters of our relationship, what it included, and what that meant.  As well, in a way to make that easier, things like wants and needs from us both. And, that's incredibly hard for me.  I've never taken the time to create outlines for my relationships.  They were things that developed organically, with their own rules and cautions that came about with time.  I dislike the idea of putting a relationship into a box of expectation.  I suppose for some people it makes things easier, but life gets in the way, makes things exist in flux, and so aspects of relationships constantly change. I've also up until now been in states where my words held weight in relationships.  Where my wants and needs mattered, and where me speaking up wasn't met with attacks, gaslighting,

The weekend of my birthday is supposed to be another gathering at Kitty's place.  The one thing I wanted for my birthday, an unofficial thing happening of just that.  While I'm not trying to push my birthday in anything going on, I'm more than a little happy that I'm getting the simple thing I do want, even if all the people I want to spend it with will likely not be present. Squishy left earlier this week though, and that would give me a week and a half of being home without her.  A week and a half that I had hoped initially would be spent with Lux, celebrating both our birthdays together, and finally seeing each other after yet more months of distance.  To help him make this new place into a home. Before I can even consider the risk of seeing him though, he needs more time in quarantine, having just come back from traveling to take care of family matters.  As much as in many ways these things look like selfish acts, we really are all keeping safety in mind.  A str

With us about a month into isolation, and not sure when it will end, I'm definitely feeling the effects.  So, I decided to think about all the things I want to do once it's safe to make plans and be with others again. I am going to koala on my partners so hard.  Full Master Blaster backpack koala. I want to finally run a game of Dread. Whatever local dumpy restaurants survive this, I want to try with people. Even if it's in my own yard, I want to have a fire, and share cigars and whiskey with friends. This will be the year I invite people over and finally watch the Matrix.  Because I'm the only person who hasn't seen any of them. On that note, I'm going to show Lux all the Jersey movies.  Half of them take place about two towns away from where he grew up. I want so much play time.  I don't care how intense, but I need that connection now more than ever. Play should also happen with friends too.  Not just the people I've done things with before

Lux and I threw around the idea of going to Winterfire, with a lot to talk about.  We were unsure about timing, and how we would want to travel, and a big pile of things.  Those were easy enough to figure out, but he brought up something that was causing him a little anxiety. He didn't want me to have the same reaction as when we were at Fusion, knowing he would be pulled around to spend time with his other partners.  Even when I told him that I would have people there to spend time with, he was unsure, acting like he didn't even want to risk the chance of it. And, I had a lot of reactions, although I don't think he realized it. Fusion taught me to speak up as soon as something is wrong, and not to let it sit until it's a problem that overflows. It taught me that having needs doesn't make me a bad partner, because I've spent so long having to be ok with everything, and in every situation, in order to make partners happy about how little space I take up.

There were many points Lux had to make during the talk we had while he visited.  One in particular, which I noticed how hard it was for him to process was how unfair he thinks things are.  I could see how difficult it was for him to say that he felt like I had to walk on eggshells with him, and other horrible things. And had we not been in a restaurant, sitting across from each other, I would have scooped him up in a hug right there. I have existed in a space where I had to say exactly what someone wanted, even if it wasn't true.  To lie about who I was, for the appeasement of someone else. I have had basic habits taken from me, trying to sneak and rush to have any sense of autonomy. Even now, I do truly have to balance on egg shells, often stomping down because I'm tired of the abuse with no better treatment even if I make every perfect step. Having someone trying to grow, and get better is not the same.  Mindful language which allows me to still be truthful doesn