A New Devious Chapter

Dansa's visit was a very highly needed experiment for her.  She brought her new dog with her, and it would be their first time traveling, the dog's longest time around a kid, and the first time Oliver had another dog stay the night. I will preface this by saying that Oliver is the most patient and well behaved puppy ever, and deserves all the hugs and snuggles he could ever want.  He was far better with the whole situation than I ever could have asked from him, and it made me even more appreciative to have him as a furry baby (because it is absolutely how he sees himself). Dansa's pup did alright with Squishy, especially considering that she got a little too excited at times and started treating this pup like Oliver, which is more than most dogs could ever deal with.  I had to tell her to back off a few times, just so pup could wind down a little. That being said, Dansa is remarkably unaware of her dog.  The pup has developed resource aggression over her, because she

Coming into August, there was very little planned.  The gnome had left the month in the air in regards to taking Squishy, given the hectic nature of the wedding, and said he might only take her for a long weekend.  Camp is the end of summer, right before Squishy starts school, so it isn't an option for me, and means I don't see people there either. Well, after talking to Lux and telling him that the month was empty, I made plans with Dansa.  She said she wanted to come down for a weekend with her new pup, and see how she would get along with Oliver.  That booked up a weekend right in the middle of the month. And a bit over a week ago, the gnome decided he was taking Squishy.  He handed some dates to her without talking to me, and after confronting him to adjust them, which I may talk about later, Squishy agreed to an amount of time she and I both were happier with.  This meant a random week that I wouldn't have a Squishy home. Given how this summer has gone, my immedi

While up in the city, Dansa and I went to a memorial for a friend who had passed away just before camp.  I had wanted to go to support the people there, and hear the stories, and share some time learning about a person who I didn't have enough time with. This memorial also happened to be in a leather bar.  We had the upper bar before it opened, and then we would have the upstairs as a cigar lounge afterwards.  So after listening and hugging, and remembering so many things, the bar was actually open, with music playing, and other people being allowed in. And so, as we made our way up to the top floor, I kept hearing Dansa making comments about how wonderful the bar was because of all the topless men, and the gay porn playing on the tvs all around. I was very clearly reminded of the comments she had made about Lux, where she had plainly stated that she wasn't attracted to him until she had a pansexual partner, and then wanted to see them together.  Her fetishization of gay

As you can imagine, there was a lot after camp, some of which was simply things floating around in my brain. In the first couple of days back home, there was a lot being tossed around in my head.  After topping again, it kickstarted that part of my brain again, and hard.  Thinking about much more fun I had during that, than the impact scene I had with a friend.  About the new people I met and wanting to indulge in my sadist with them too.  Wanting to hit the point with someone where I have domly power exchange. It was a very odd part of my brain, where for a moment, I questioned being a switch.  Wondered if I was just a top with a high pain tolerance.  It was a weird point to process and think on, and something I hadn't thought about for a long time. And then I remembered those moments where I sat at Lux's feet, and felt his hands through my hair.  Those moments of happily acknowledging my place with him, and the power exchange we've built.  The safe floaty feelings I

Not everything at camp that I learned was done peacefully.  One of the biggest things for me to deal with at this event hit me hard, multiple times, as I tried to explore it and find the words to make it better. It crept in along the first couple days.  Feelings of distress that I couldn't explain, combined with selfish thoughts that I never like having appear in my head.  After that first bit of time, things hit hard as I went to hug Lux, and we needed to go and take a walk, and snuggle, and try to find words. I noticed old patterns that I didn't want to ever deal with again, and tried to talk through them as much as I could to make some manner of sense.  While it started to get the idea across, I don't think that talk helped all that much, but got things moving in my own mind. Over the rest of camp, we had moments where I sat at his feet.  Leaning against his knees in the Compound living room and feeling his hands through my hair and on my neck.  It was incredibly c

Last camp, I had mentioned how being there made me feel inspired to switch more.  To do more topping, because it is usually what I'm more drawn to. Coming up to camp, I had made plans to top a few people, and only bottom to one friend as well as my partners, because they obviously would get priority.  It had me excited to be embracing my sadist again, though worried about being rusty. And in standard camp fashion, most of those plans didn't happen.  Some did, but several fell to the wayside of either lack of time, or things happening which would not make that play as safe as it should be. With a random free evening due to some rain, I had the chance to play with Lux.  With adjustments we'd talked about previously, and a more serious tone, I got near that floaty spacey state.  We both agreed that with loud scenes going on around us in the dungeon, it became distracting for us, and something to keep in mind for the future.  Almost an hour he hit me though, in a barrage

I'm home from Fusion, and this last week was a whirlwind.  Juggling multiple groups, being a switch, managing poly, teaching, performing, friends, and everything else. There's a lot for me to write about in the coming weeks, and I'm going to need to figure out how to spread it all out into coherent topics. My classes went well, although one wound up falling right in the hottest part of the day, and so it didn't happen. While Lux and I are thinking about putting together one new one for the future, I think four classes is definitely my maximum.  I kind of want to develop a rotating roster of classes to present, so I can be known for bringing far more things to the table. My double sword set went incredibly well.  I forgot one move, and got a little tangled at one point, but didn't drop the swords, even while rolling around on the ground.  I was nervous to the point of shaking while dancing with my swords, and it absolutely made me more confident in what I could

As a continuation of talking about camp (there's a lot to prep y'know) Lux and I have been figuring out our plans for the couple days before we head out, and what will need to be done. He'll be heading down a day or so before to get to me, that way we can try and do our prep at a leisurely pace.  We'll be able to get whatever cleaning done, and final packing without a rush, and run out to pick up some final things. There's also the part of taking care of Lux.  When making these plans, I commented about how the day we leave, we will need to pick up bagels, and as I mentioned ordering them the day before, he interrupted me to say "And I will get a pork roll, egg, and cheese because I am heavily deprived," which I had planned on, but made sure to note that it was something he needed. I'm also sure that the day before we'll likely be adding a trip to an acai bowl place near me to our running about.  Lux tends to want to go every time he'

A bit over a week ago, I woke up and checked my social medias to find that a youtuber was announcing his divorce.  I told Lux, and we said we felt badly that it was happening, and went to move on. And then.  Oh then.  Where he had simply posted that note, his now ex had gone on to tell the whole story.  He had cheated on his wife with someone he was regularly working with, sending nudes to underage fans, and using that implied imbalance of power to coerce fans both of age and underage into sending him nude photos or various explicit conversation. Needless to say, we are no longer fans of his. And this bothered Lux a lot, to where he wondered if this needed to be handled more quietly than it was.  I told him that because this had to do with fans, it needed to be public, because he is now a safety risk at conventions or panels.  This isn't for the defamation aspects, but to keep him from continuing these behaviors with people who aren't mature enough to be responsible unde

A few times now, Lux and I have had conversations about certain things he finds attractive.  And while he talks about features, or styles he finds himself drawn toward, to often say he doesn't enjoy androgyny. Now, let's break down that word. Andro- much like Android, means male. Gyno- as in gynecology, means female. Oh yea, word nerding again on here, and my medical background helps this time.  Wee! So androgyny is the act of presenting as both male and female.  This is obviously different from being intersex, which breaks down to being between biological sexes, and causes that particular development of the sex organs and all that. ANYWAY. Mixing of both male and female.  Which means that it isn't necessarily that idea of having ambiguous gender, but simply possessing aspects of both. And, y'know, that sounds a lot like how I present, both physically, mentally, and through my image. I brought this up, because obviously that blanket statement wasn't

Overall, my trip up to see Lux was good.  We were busy in many ways, and there was a lot of difficult things going on.  It meant that in general it wasn't the most relaxing trip we've ever had, and that we didn't get through some of the things we had intended to do.  It was good to have that time though, and I'm still glad we got to have the week together. Near the end of the week though, I had to deal with some stuff that was far more difficult than Lux had expected it to be for me.  I couldn't talk about it at the moment because I just didn't have the words, and it has hard for me to bring up afterwards. A situation that makes me feel helpless.  Like there's too many things counting against me.  It makes me feel like a burden, even though I know I'm not.  Like I'm not worth having around due to how difficult I make things. And I know all that isn't true, but it doesn't keep the thoughts from living in my mind. There are times, when

A week ago, I was talking to Lux early in the morning.  I had been in a poor brain space, but was saying that I would do better that day, because I could make sure I was more packed, and had a ton to do in general.  I was getting Squishy ready for her last day of school before her break started, and talking about random things.  I looked at her and asked if when I travel I should look like a business goth, or super goth.  She answered super goth, and I told Lux about her answer. He didn't agree, saying that he noticed that he is treated significantly better when he dressed up to travel.  I told him that if I was flying, I would absolutely agree with him, because I would need to deal with the higher security.  With buses and trains however, I needed to look far less inviting.  When I travel people look at how small I am, and how young I look, and decide from there that I can be spoken for.  I've had men think they can try something with me on the trains, and needed to pull

I know I said things would calm down after last month. I lied. In the last two weeks or so I've been completely insane with everything going on.  Two birthdays to prep for, one holiday (more on that soon) to get everything ready for, and keeping Squishy prepped for a ton of things in school now that her school year is winding to a close soon.  Art for books is being done, writing for my first cook book finally, crochet prep for Fusion, practicing dancing with swords, and a thousand other things. I feel like every day lately is a mad rush to see what I can actually fit into the day.  At the same time, I'm trying to juggle being present and giving people plenty of time, which I will always prioritize, because I would want them to do it for me if I needed it. It's a whirlwind, to say the least. Luckily, today is Easter, and while on one hand that means a lot of what I've done is now being utilized and I get to enjoy it, it also means that today after dinner, I ge

Like I said before, Lux and I have been discussing a lot about our dynamic, and how we want it to evolve.  And with conversation about our power exchange, and things that have happened, Lux had mentioned knowing that there is a difference between slave and submissive. Which, even after more than five years, we never actually talked about that difference.  Much like the rest of our dynamic, we kind of just fell into something, and it happened.  And so, we decided it was something else to talk on. Lux simplified it to a slave being a continuous thing, and a submissive being something that only occurs during sex or play. I recognized that there are submissives who have a continuous dynamic though, and had to figure out how to explain it. I found that I had to look at a submissive as someone who is continually submissive.  Someone who is powerless and passive to their domly person (obviously with the exception of actual issues).  A slave has more blanket rules, and lives by

Lux was way out of town last week, of course right after most of his move, so he was practically dead. While he was spending a day travelling out there, we did a lot of discussion on how we wanted to play more.  How we felt about it now, why we haven't played as much, and a lot of other things.  We talked about how we want to try some different things, and what would help us work through things in order to play far more often. It was decided that we need to do more work with abstract ideas of scenes.  Not elaborately worked out concepts, but more a single line that can create a train of thought. And this helped a ton.  Because we can take a few things we want to do, figure out a line to stand for that, and it makes a very open ended theme, which isn't as difficult to work with as no prompt at all, and easier to work with than a scripted scene. It's resulted in bringing on a lot more power exchange this week, and talks of having a lot more play when I do get to see L

I've been plotting out the next couple months, and while that includes a trip up to see Lux, a wedding we are going to, and a handful of other small things, it also means starting to think about Fusion. It's the same week Squishy finishes school again, but luckily there wasn't any snow days, so we should actually be able to attend the entire event for the most part.  That means more time at camp, and given that Lux and I want to do more with the event this year, that's important. I'm planning on teaching a lot more, and pulling out some interesting performances that I'll be able to tell the story on in the coming week or so.  I also want to play with more people, and really take advantage of the event. My classes are all prepped, luckily.  I just need Pyre to go through and pick what exactly I'm bringing.  This will involve a lot of new things, which I'm excited to teach, as it involves lectures, which is something I haven't done in a long time

Last weekend was my mom's 60th birthday.  My father decided we were throwing a party because of that.  However, he has no idea how to do anything himself, so it turned into my mom explaining everything that needed to be done, and him being an asshole in the way he told everyone to do everything. This also turned into the week before and day of, me doing pretty much everything.  It's a good thing I'm caught up on books, and just had editing to do that week, because I felt stretched thin with how little my time actually belonged to me. At the same time, I've been trying to help Lux find a new place, taking time to hunt down options that looked like they were worth going to check out.  On the bright side, he did decide on a place that I can't wait to see in person, and help him make into a home.  Now we're going through the process of figuring out a timetable on that move. Back to this party though, my father decided to invite everyone he's ever talked to

I try to be careful with my words, as much as I know I do on occasion misuse them.  I try to let my actions speak for me more often than not, knowing what empty words can do. I also try to time things very carefully.  Or at least stay mindful of when not to say something.  Part of that includes the fact that I try not to say much affectionate right after sex and play.  When brains are high on bonding chemicals, and endorphins are floating around.  I don't want those words to feel like they're only coming from that altered state, but rather that they are created organically, and from built connection. I want words to have the most meaning.  I don't want to take advantage of those compromised states, and while I know I should give words of affirmation more often, I don't want them to be repeated to the point of being empty. The problem with not wanting to say such things after sex and play is however, that Lux and I have a ton of sex.  And those windows in between,

While Lux was here last weekend, we continued the process of small renegotiations and creating a much more coherent understanding of how our relationship and needs work. Part of that was figuring out what we should, and shouldn't do with other people.  More specifically, if there should be anything that is exclusive to our dynamic that we don't share with others. I've talked about this before I believe, how I think keeping something special to a dynamic, which doesn't get shared with anyone else can be a good way to create security, or make each dynamic unique.  Lux has had one thing of his which was a need for a long time on his behalf, which we talked about and made a bit clearer, although it likely won't change how I do anything. And then I sat, and wondered if there was anything on my side.  Part of me wanted just something.  I actually went to fetlife and looked for something that I would only want us sharing with each other, and couldn't find anythin

While Lux was here last week, as a strange change of pace we wound up not having sex. I know, let that shock process for a minute. However, with the feeling burnt from everything going on, and some situations that Lux had dealt with recently, I wanted to be sure he had some amount of security from me.  Something settling, and a feeling a safety. That's not to say that I didn't want sex.  While I have some seasonal brainbugs going, I still definitely wanted to bone.  However, I knew that he needed care first, and I'm nowhere near that selfish to not consider what he needed at the time. And honestly, in the scheme of things, his care is simple.  Provide support, be present, show care and concern.  Lux just requires basic affection and patience when it comes down to it, and I think that's what frustrates me with others when it comes down to it. There's always time for sex, or beatings, or whatever I want.  But when he needs something from me, it's never s